Tips for handling stranger anxiety even with grandparents and relatives

Many grandparents think that 'giving the new mother a break' involves holding her baby. Instead, why don't you try maybe doing some of her housework, laundry or cooking some meals to ease the load on her? Babies only initially bond with parents over the first few months (I doubt if a stranger came over and tried to grab you in the street to hold you that you would be too happy about it) and babies don't actually realise they are a separate being from their mothers until about 9 months of age. There are many, many ways you can help your daughter. The bond with your grandchild will likely come much later when they are walking and talking.

Jess20, my DD and DDiL were the same and I wouldn’t have expected it. I had my youngest GS over night for the first time when his Mum was in labour with their second and had a birthing pool in the house - think the poor woman’s yells drove him into my arms. He was almost 3 but still couldn’t wait to go home later in the day. We have a great relationship with all 4 now, ages 16, 14, 13 and 10 and very excited that our youngest DC is going to be. Dad for the first time in April, so lovely to have a baby in the family again after almost 11 years . The older grandchildren are also very excited.

grannybuy

Fifty or so years ago, when mine were born, they were probably seen and held by more people than might happen nowadays, so possibly didn’t have quite such a maternal bond.

I think there's something in this Grannybuy. We were a large extended family and new babies were handed round for everyone to hold & "goo-goo" at - even if, like me as a teenager, they were unwilling recipients.

Oops... To know or recognise you however much you love them.

At 4 months I wouldn't have let anyone take my baby. To grow up feeling secure and confident small children need to be protected from the stress and anxiety of being parted from primary caregivers until they are developmentally ready. While this isn't always possible for many reasons if the parents can provide this security then they are doing the right thing. We now know that high levels of cortisol are not good for babies. A 4 month old hasn't got the ability to know

I babysat for a little girl who was OK the first time, second time she cried but settled eventually, third time she was inconsolable. Luckily, Nanna changed her work shifts and was able to babysit then. The little girl just wasn't used to "strangers". We still see each other regularly.

Three of my own, my Mum knew how to handle all of her 10 ,Grandchildren, we had no qualms if they cried, she was amazing. I have 6 Grandchildren, all of my family happy to leave crying babies to me. I suppose as time goes on people change.

At 4 months with my first one (42 yrs ago!!) I was very happy to put in pram & let my next door neighbour (close friend) take him out for a good walk. He soon fell asleep as most babies do with the motion.
So when I visited my first grandchild … I was off for the walk with the ‘pram’ & she soon fell asleep and an hour later returned with a sleeping baby to a mum much refreshed after a shower and peaceful cup of tea!
I babysat from 3 months lots of carrying round the house to get to sleep… but only what I had done with mine…
I guess try the tricks we did with our own back in the day???

Catwoman has been my user name for years. You now say it is nt mine? It was accepted at the time of registrating. My name address has never changed.

Fifty or so years ago, when mine were born, they were probably seen and held by more people than might happen nowadays, so possibly didn’t have quite such a maternal bond.

My youngest grandaughter was very much like this, only mum would do. However, if mum wasn't around then she was perfectly happy for me to look after her. A bit like some children starting nursery/school I suppose, as soon as mum disappears they settle in.

I don't think four months is too young to let someone else look after a baby either. Neither of mine were in the least bit clingy - just as well, as I went back to work full time when each was three months old. We babysat for our GS when he was just weeks old.

You say you live out of town, so I’m assuming you don’t see baby much. Much as I do think this is “normal” I also emphasise as it can feel horrible.

My advice is to try and get mum to zoom/WhatsApp/video call you just for five minutes a couple of times a week whilst she’s holding baby so she gets used to the sound of your voice and as everyone has suggested, just give it time.

I actually don’t think four months is too young to have anyone else look after a baby, my dear Mum babysat for all four of mine from about 6 weeks, only for a couple of hours at a time, she wanted to and I was glad if the break and they all bonded well with both her and my dad, as well as me and their father.

Oopsadaisy1

The baby is too young for you to label it ‘ stranger anxiety’
And it can’t be ‘fixed’
It might be best for you to help your daughter in other ways and leave the baby with her.

I agree. Our children were most uncomfortable when the Bodach’s mother held them ( usually just to have a photograph taken), and she was obviously uncomfortable holding them. As Skydancer said, even very small babies can pick up on nervousness, and it’s this, rather than ‘stranger anxiety’ which makes them cry.

Wise words greenlady102. Let them come to you - when they are ready. Being in the same room allows the child to become familiar with you. At 4 months mum and dad are the centre of their world and they may not have any interest in others.

I suggest that you are trying too hard and the best thing to do is to stop trying. A close friend of mine's grandchild was a very shy toddler. The child would be round there when I went round for coffee and I basically ignored the child....not nastily, I just didn't make any attempt at all to engage with the them. By the third visit they were chatting to me and bringing toys. On the 4th meeting, I got a goodbye hug which was unheard of. Children are the same as wild birds and puppies. let them come to you, let them set the pace, don't try to touch or hold them.....but I agree 4 months is way too young.

Babies do vary. My 2 elder Gdcs were always perfectly happy with me from the word go. Number 3 was very reluctant, and when I was asked to look after her for an hour or two when dd was trying to work upstairs (she was between 1 and 2) would scream for mummy (or daddy if he was available).

I did find it upsetting that she didn’t really seem to like me, even though dd said she was the same with everybody. She’s a lot better now at just 4 though, but has never been as loving as the two elder.
I can only tell myself that it’s just her personality, which is different in other ways from her sister and brother. She’s much more determined and certainly knows what she wants!

Not long ago when dd was away for work, I was supervising her in the bath when son in law put his head round the door to tell me (in code) that he was going to fetch Gds from karate.
Gdd had been perfectly happy until then, but she twigged (not daft!) - was almost instantly out of the bath, screaming for daddy (who’d gone) - wouldn’t let me dry her or put her pyjamas on!
It went on for at least 10 minutes, until she suddenly fell asleep on the sofa and I was able to put a blanket over her.

The joys of grandparenting!!

Similar thought to that of RAKSHAMK; could you wear something of his mum's so he has the familiar smell?

I had similar problems with my nephew when he was tiny. Until one day when I happened to be wearing the same perfume as his mother.

Yes, agree it’s baby being a baby. Don’t fret, keep trying all will be fine. Enjoy you GD 👍

The only way is time
And patience. If you know bomdinfnbaby makes them cry maybe don’t do it. Smile give. A wave and such while baby is happy and content with mum. Four months is quite quite young and at that age they all only want mum. Most of mine didn’t even care for their father at that age let alone grands

You don’t have to hold the baby just smile and talk. Then gradually play and touch a hand or toe.
Slowly slowly catch the monkey as the old saying goes.
You have all the time to get to know the tot

Can you take him out for a walk to give her a break? then maybe he will be asleep when you return to her house

My Grandson wouldn’t let me hold him at 5 months, but a couple of months later he’s fine ! Play it by ear.

Babies have their own characters so are all different.With my twins, one baby was so passive a complete stranger could pick her up at any age and she would have beamed at them, the other one shrieked if I even left the room never mind anyone else picking her up.
It will take time that’s all, but be there whenever you can and the baby will get used to you.