Tips for handling stranger anxiety even with grandparents and relatives

Four months is very young. I would not let anyone babysit a child of that age even a grandparent. Over the months just keep trying and the baby will gradually get used to you I'm sure. Some parents can understandably be particularly nervous and sometimes a baby can pick up on it. They are more aware than we give them credit for.

At four months the baby will have bonded with her primary care givers. She won't yet remember who you are and won't recognise you. There is nothing wrong with her. Don't worry about it. The relationship will come

Time and patience are the only solutions I know of, I'm afraid.

My last (of 4) dgc was the worst for this. My dil would dearly love to have left him with me, as he has never been a good sleeper either day or night, so she really needed the occasional rest.

The best we could manage for many months was for dil to (breast) feed him and then for me to immediately take him out for a walk in his pram. There would be some crying while we were out, but not usually persistent enough for me to have to take him back immediately. We were rarely out more than 45 mins, though.

Several months before going back to work full time when dgc was 12 months, dil had to start going in to the office for quite a few 'keeping in touch' sessions, which meant that she would have no choice other than to leave dgs with me for several hours. I think he was about 8 months old when this started, and it was a very difficult time. The only time he didn't scream non-stop was if I walked around holding him - if I tried to so much as sit down with him, he was distraught.
Plus it was impossible to put him down for a nap in the cot (even his own dad couldnt do that - it took mummy and the boob!), so the only way I could get him to sleep was to bundle him crying into the pram and walk up and down the street until the movement and exhaustion finally got the better of him and he would sleep for a short time.

All I can say is that it got better gradually. By 12 or 13 months I could transfer him from buggy to the cot without waking him. Around then, he started letting me sit down with him too, rather than having to stand all the time, and he started being happy to see me when he was dropped off in the morning.

Nursery 3 days a week started at 14 months (the other 2 days with me), and although that was predictably hard for him to begin with, he settled there after a few weeks. Just to add that it's true what they say about nursery 'magic' regarding getting little ones to sleep in a cot - the very first week there they succeeded where we had failed, and he brought the magic home with him as it has worked for me too ever since that week.

Now, at 18 months old, he is very happy when left both with me and at nursery. In fact, I was told that he is now trying to comfort the 'new' babies who have just started at nursery, by taking them toys that he thinks they might like when he hears them crying. ☺

You help your daughter in any way she asks, if she asks anything of you
Even if that is not the help you were expecting to provide

Do not zero yourself on helping with the baby only- big grandparent mistake

Please do an updated course on babies and standards of care and milestones - baby is only 4 months!
Of course the baby only wants the caregiver.

The baby is too young for you to label it ‘ stranger anxiety’
And it can’t be ‘fixed’
It might be best for you to help your daughter in other ways and leave the baby with her.

"Stranger anxiety"!! Can't believe people have to label every sort of behaviour. Baby is being a Baby and this Baby wants mum, mum is doing the right thing. One of mine was the same, his choice - respect baby and mum. I think the label should be "overbearing grannie".

Of course you're anxious to cuddle the baby but there's plenty of time yet. Let her set the pace. As she gets bigger you can build a strong relationship.

Your GC does not have ' stranger anxiety ' whatever you think that is . The baby is just that - a baby!!!!!!
4 months old , for goodness sake get a grip!!

Babies have their own characters so are all different.With my twins, one baby was so passive a complete stranger could pick her up at any age and she would have beamed at them, the other one shrieked if I even left the room never mind anyone else picking her up.
It will take time that’s all, but be there whenever you can and the baby will get used to you.

My Grandson wouldn’t let me hold him at 5 months, but a couple of months later he’s fine ! Play it by ear.

Can you take him out for a walk to give her a break? then maybe he will be asleep when you return to her house

You don’t have to hold the baby just smile and talk. Then gradually play and touch a hand or toe.
Slowly slowly catch the monkey as the old saying goes.
You have all the time to get to know the tot

The only way is time
And patience. If you know bomdinfnbaby makes them cry maybe don’t do it. Smile give. A wave and such while baby is happy and content with mum. Four months is quite quite young and at that age they all only want mum. Most of mine didn’t even care for their father at that age let alone grands

Yes, agree it’s baby being a baby. Don’t fret, keep trying all will be fine. Enjoy you GD 👍

I had similar problems with my nephew when he was tiny. Until one day when I happened to be wearing the same perfume as his mother.

Similar thought to that of RAKSHAMK; could you wear something of his mum's so he has the familiar smell?

Babies do vary. My 2 elder Gdcs were always perfectly happy with me from the word go. Number 3 was very reluctant, and when I was asked to look after her for an hour or two when dd was trying to work upstairs (she was between 1 and 2) would scream for mummy (or daddy if he was available).

I did find it upsetting that she didn’t really seem to like me, even though dd said she was the same with everybody. She’s a lot better now at just 4 though, but has never been as loving as the two elder.
I can only tell myself that it’s just her personality, which is different in other ways from her sister and brother. She’s much more determined and certainly knows what she wants!

Not long ago when dd was away for work, I was supervising her in the bath when son in law put his head round the door to tell me (in code) that he was going to fetch Gds from karate.
Gdd had been perfectly happy until then, but she twigged (not daft!) - was almost instantly out of the bath, screaming for daddy (who’d gone) - wouldn’t let me dry her or put her pyjamas on!
It went on for at least 10 minutes, until she suddenly fell asleep on the sofa and I was able to put a blanket over her.

The joys of grandparenting!!

I suggest that you are trying too hard and the best thing to do is to stop trying. A close friend of mine's grandchild was a very shy toddler. The child would be round there when I went round for coffee and I basically ignored the child....not nastily, I just didn't make any attempt at all to engage with the them. By the third visit they were chatting to me and bringing toys. On the 4th meeting, I got a goodbye hug which was unheard of. Children are the same as wild birds and puppies. let them come to you, let them set the pace, don't try to touch or hold them.....but I agree 4 months is way too young.

Wise words greenlady102. Let them come to you - when they are ready. Being in the same room allows the child to become familiar with you. At 4 months mum and dad are the centre of their world and they may not have any interest in others.

Oopsadaisy1

The baby is too young for you to label it ‘ stranger anxiety’
And it can’t be ‘fixed’
It might be best for you to help your daughter in other ways and leave the baby with her.

I agree. Our children were most uncomfortable when the Bodach’s mother held them ( usually just to have a photograph taken), and she was obviously uncomfortable holding them. As Skydancer said, even very small babies can pick up on nervousness, and it’s this, rather than ‘stranger anxiety’ which makes them cry.

You say you live out of town, so I’m assuming you don’t see baby much. Much as I do think this is “normal” I also emphasise as it can feel horrible.

My advice is to try and get mum to zoom/WhatsApp/video call you just for five minutes a couple of times a week whilst she’s holding baby so she gets used to the sound of your voice and as everyone has suggested, just give it time.

I actually don’t think four months is too young to have anyone else look after a baby, my dear Mum babysat for all four of mine from about 6 weeks, only for a couple of hours at a time, she wanted to and I was glad if the break and they all bonded well with both her and my dad, as well as me and their father.

I don't think four months is too young to let someone else look after a baby either. Neither of mine were in the least bit clingy - just as well, as I went back to work full time when each was three months old. We babysat for our GS when he was just weeks old.

My youngest grandaughter was very much like this, only mum would do. However, if mum wasn't around then she was perfectly happy for me to look after her. A bit like some children starting nursery/school I suppose, as soon as mum disappears they settle in.

Fifty or so years ago, when mine were born, they were probably seen and held by more people than might happen nowadays, so possibly didn’t have quite such a maternal bond.