Hoarding and filthy house

It is so hard, and I do feel for you.

My mum is a hoarder. She lives in a 3 bedroom semi and every room apart from the living room and the toilet is full of junk. The stuff reaches the top of the doorframes in some rooms so they are impossible to enter. She has a tiny "rat run" to her bed.

She rejects all offers of help and gets apoplectic with rage if anyone tries to go and try to sort it out themselves.

As others have said - would she allow some of her PIP to be used to get a cleaner in, just to make the place sanitary, even if it is still cluttered?

Hoarding is a horrible situation for everyone else. It truly is a mental illness and not laziness, as was suggested previously. My husband is a hoarder, although nowhere near as bad as he was, but our house has never been as you describe as I have always tried to keep on top of it.. These days, since we moved house, he has been much better but still has around five times as many clothes as I do and cannot resist a bargain. He has always been clean, which makes a difference. I also go behind him, tidying up. We have a clean, tidy home, albeit with collections that some people may consider to be clutter. However, I have known two hoarding families who were much more like your daughter. True hoarders cannot let go of anything, whether valuable or not. Things pile up and it becomes more and more difficult to move around the house and to clean it. Vermin becomes a very real possibility. One hoarding couple we know have become progressively worse over the years to the point that it is almost impossible to reach the front door. For years, the dust and dirt have been unbearable and the toilet is only used in extremis. Multiple cars that the husband is in various stages of repairing are in the garden. They have had mice for years and l suspect worse. One of them has a nasty illness that can be caused by a dirty environment. This is the reality for your granddaughter, unfortunately, without intervention, as a dirty environment can be considered a form of neglect. I agree with what others have said about using the PIP money for a cleaner. Psychological help is necessary, but hard to get. Hoarding is quite often a comorbidity of ADHD or autism. I would also recommend the Family and Friends of Hoarders Support Group on facebook, where you will be with people who know and understand from inside.

A career doesn’t necessarily do any cleaning Tenaciousd. Does she actually need a carer?

A near relation fell and was admitted to hospital , my Daughter volunteered to get nightclothes etc and I went with her to help , at first we couldn’t get into different rooms but found sponge bag and night clothes eventually
We went back the next day and started sorting stuff , flyers that fall out of papers and magazines in their hundreds hit the recycling magazines were tidied and stacked as forbidden to dump them , half a wheel bin was filled with old till receipts ,
We cleared a path into the kitchen and found the counters , she was quite happy when we found her a cleaner
Then she was discharged OT and PT visited and declared the place borderline unsafe but she was adamant that nothing more was being thrown out
Recently visited and had to edge our way in again , cleaner gave up in despair , this lady dresses like a model and is very glamorous, but she refuses to look at her self as. She really is.
She needs mental help but refuses , GPwont listen to us
Your Daughter is younger she needs to be gently persuaded to see her Doctor and get help

Thanks BigLouis for your instructive post. Yes, hoarding is very different from clutter. And clutter is by no means the same as dirt. I have a dear friend whose home is rammed, her coffee table has not a square centimetre of space, piles everywhere BUT her toilet and basin are clean and her cups also

What a sad situation but I do have some empathy . My daughter lives overseas & when I visited last year her home too was a filthy tip and full of animals that weren’t be cared for properly . Whilst I was there I cleaned up as best I could & persuaded her to get a cleaner in . Both her & her hubby work very long hours & she’s just too tired to be bothered . I’m sure it’s as bad again

I’m my experience of over 45 years in children’s services the situation would have to be putting your grandchild in ‘ significant harm ‘ before care proceeding would be considered. However that’s not to say Social Services wouldn’t be concerned or offer some support if the home is unhygienic for a child to live in . If your g/ child is pre school a children’s centre may be able to help . You can always ring SSD anonymously to express your concerns & they should do a risk assessment of the situation . I’m really sorry for your distress

Germanshepherdsmum

A career doesn’t necessarily do any cleaning Tenaciousd. Does she actually need a carer?

No. But I had heard that the friend was getting carer's allowance and was allegedly cleaning.

Seems not then?

I cannot understand why some people on this thread are so unsympathetic to the lady who posted ? Tenaceoused ... I understand why you feel this way and can accept that you are trying to do the right thing ..... the only advice I can give you is not to post any more on this subject as there are not many friends here for you ... Good Luck ...

jasmine harman presenter of 'a place in the sun' grew up with her mother's hoarding problem

youtu.be/6RDANLzZPe4?t=236

Thank you for the supportive message. I have received some very supportive private messages and I’ve not disclosed my whole situation as I don’t want to be possibly identified. If I could elaborate and describe the impossible situation I know the negative commenters would think twice before jumping to conclusions.

You have my full sympathy Tenaciousd it must be pretty horrible and worrying when you visit.. and I think you have been very caring tohave cleaned the house yourself so many times. But if your daughter doesn't find the state of her house unbearable and even has her friend/carer visiting I don't think you are going to be able to pursuade her to change. It sounds as though your daughter already has contact with MH services if she receives PIP so I don't know what alse you can do apart from giving your GD a lovely time when she visits you..

Thank you for your constructive and supportive comment.

You really have my sympathy, it’s so difficult being on the outside with the distance to see the issues with some degree of objectivity and at the same time not wanting to potentially make the situation worse if any steps you take to offer help and support are viewed as interference. I have known a couple of people living in appalling conditions, with one I am sure it was due to them struggling with their mental health, the other seemed genuinely unconcerned. If it is someone struggling with their mental health, then everything can seem so overwhelming to tackle. I am no expert on this, but the compulsive buying does sounds as though they are trying to effectively ‘cheer themselves up’ by buying things. A kind of self medication via shopping if you like. I don’t know that I can offer any sensible advice other than tread very very carefully, but I do send my best wishes that things improve.

Tenaciousd , I really sympathise with you . It must be so hard for you seeing your dd and dgc in this situation. I agree with trying to get your dd to see your gp as clutter or hoarding is a mh issue, not laziness as someone commented .
My dm is a hoarder but at 88 with mobility issues , she’s not going to change . Even when the district nurses , OTs , fire safety officer and the manager of her retirement development complain that the piles of magazines, newspapers, flyers and used envelopes are a fire and trip hazard. She just insists she’s careful .
My DM has always saved things and never throws anything away . But the hoarding really started when my DF died and grief and depression set in.
My DM won’t let me or my sister help , or clear up, she insists she’s sorting things .
Sending best wishes

If there is no routine for housework then it can easily spiral out of control. Your granddaughters needs are not being met in that situation. It’s possible that your daughter will stop you coming in to the house as it deteriorates. Time to have that hard conversation with both parents. Try to get your daughter to accept help before social services are contacted. I know it’s difficult but better now whilst family are still in control. Im a retired child protection worker btw

I understand COMPLETELY. I could have written your post. I have spent the last 13 years worrying, praying, begging. I don't keep a perfectly clean home. But my daughter and SIL... filthy. I didn't raise her to be like that. Don't understand. The grands stay with us 4 or 5 days a week. I try to teach them that cleanliness matters. As far as getting authorities involved, there has to be clear and imminent danger for them to do anything. Such as drugs laying around, weapons, starvation...I have asked her to do better so much that I am not welcome in their home.

exhaustedgranny

I understand COMPLETELY. I could have written your post. I have spent the last 13 years worrying, praying, begging. I don't keep a perfectly clean home. But my daughter and SIL... filthy. I didn't raise her to be like that. Don't understand. The grands stay with us 4 or 5 days a week. I try to teach them that cleanliness matters. As far as getting authorities involved, there has to be clear and imminent danger for them to do anything. Such as drugs laying around, weapons, starvation...I have asked her to do better so much that I am not welcome in their home.

Thank you. I feel your pain and it is good to know that there is someone else out there in the same situation. Thank goodness for grandchildren. What do they feel about their home? Or are they simply accustomed to it?