Elder abuse

If he were my father and had been abusive, I wouldn't let him anywhere near a child of mine. He may not be allowed to see his GD unless someone else is also present but even in those circumstances I wouldn't use my own child as a bargaining tool.

His D IMO is no better than her father.

Lots of people don't have good parents and had unhappy childhoods, but they don't thank goodness believe that gives them the right to be become abusive.

Especially if he is lonely and wants friends plus wants to make up for past times I can see why he wishes to cultivate a good relationship with his daughter, but to be quite honest to her he is a cash machine. will be in contact when she wants something to suit her. it is sad but I do not think it will ever be the relationship that he wants.
it may be difficult but perhaps he would be better say joining a group or society he is interested in

Does the lady friend know the background of his past behaviour? It would be a red flag for me.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Serves him right.

Sounds like history repeating its self. It happened to members in my family. Sorry but it does not excuse the daughters payback and she knows its wrong.

As ye sow, so shall ye reap applies to the D too; not a good example to set your own children.

I agree rafichagran.

It sounds as if he was a rotten father, so IMO it’s laudable that he’s going to help them buy a house.

As for the lovely female friend, are you quite sure she’s lovely? Maybe the daughter is worried that she’s homing in on a vulnerable man, with £ signs in her eyes. It’s hardly unknown -
single elderly men can be extremely gullible to overtures from any woman who’s nice to them.
I know of at least one case of blatant, but very cleverly carried out, exploitation.

Well, choosing not to support his family means he’s he’s been able to lead an affluent life style and accumulate money.

I expect she feels she’s just evening up what he should have been contribute to her childhood and all the things she had to do without-

A kind of justice?

I’m quite surprised at all the sympathy for this uncaring abusive man. And so little for an abandoned child.

I don't think D is abusive.

She's within her responsibility, protecting her child.

He may likewise do as he wishes. Both are adults.

Lathyrus3

She is damaged as a result of his actions in her childhood.
What she’s doing isn’t good but I expect she’s very angry about what he did or didn’t do as a father. Why would she have any affection for him. He showed none to her.

He’s still in possession of all his faculties so I don’t really think this is abusive as such because he can still make decisions about what he does with his money and relationships. He has the power to say no even if the consequences are not what he wants.

But there we are. The decisions he made as a younger man have consequences. He’s never taken responsibility for them and even now you and his siblings are trying to protect him from them.

All of this. He behaved badly as a parent and knows it as a result he is trying to buy affection and attention as an adult and it seems to a point his daughter is letting him. Neither win human or the year here but as they’re both adults and I assume your brother is fully in control of his own faculties I think abuse is a stretch unkind? Yes but in the end some people are. Your brother seems fortunate to have any relationship with his daughter or granddaughter given what we know of his past so he’s free to chose to continue that or not on his own terms. It may well be he is okay with giving money in exchange for this. I’d perhaps speak with him once about how you feel and then leave him to make his own choices.

Your brother wasn’t a great dad and his shortcomings clearly damaged his child.

He is not owed unsupervised access to his grandchild. It’s not using the child as a bargaining tool; that’s a foolish assumption. He has a track record of not being a positive force in a child’s life, and the person who can most attest to this understandably will not give him another opportunity to do damage to her own. This is called being a decent parent.

Giving his daughter money will not make up for what he was supposed to do for her when he was most needed, which was as a child. Unless he is documented as having dementia-related illness that affects his decision-making capacity, his choice to buy back affection from his daughter is entirely his own. Sorry, but I don’t feel empathy for parents who emotionally damage their children and expect good relationships later in life. He didn’t need to be perfect, he just needed to be a loving dad and it sounds like he wasn’t. Being elderly doesn’t absolve any of us of our past.