Grandchildren very badly behaved

With my 2 Grandsons (6 and 3) when I look after them when they are together - I pick my battles. If they are behaving like demented puppies I turn the other cheek (so to speak) and ignore. But I do try and mange specific things like getting them to bed, more or less on time. The trouble is that these days you can't threaten them or slap them...which is good but it does make managing their behaviour much more difficult IMHO. A really loud voice/command does work well though. The other things that strangely works with little boys is things like: I bet you can't get up the stairs quicker than me, type tricks. Also count-downs seem to work to doing something. These last two even work with the grand daughters! And distraction /funny things seem to work with little boys.

I have a really mean granddaughter R. (only 4). Worried she will grow up to be a mean adult. Her parents (my son and DIL) really do struggle with her, but the person who suffers most is her sister M. who is a saint. I walk away when she is mean to me but I really want to punish her somehow. Parents these days are so understanding and forgiving. It's sort of the gentle parenting approach. This is all very good and emotionally intelligent. But sometimes you need a firm approach - I am more of the opinion that a bit of old-fashioned 'training' can be more effective for bad behaviour.

… and could you take the dog a good long walk before you go to their house so you can leave it sleeping at home?

Do you think that your DD may be completely unaware that you’re struggling? It makes me smile when I hear ’Oh Mum loves having them’ now I’m Nana myself.
I think you should be completely honest with her BUT selective. Please don’t feign illness or attack your DD because of her children’s behaviour (she will see it that way). She knows you are under pressure so tell her due to current circumstances you are finding childcare difficult and tiring. Ask to sit down to talk to her about solutions and work on building a relationship based on trust and honesty. Perhaps she knows of after school club provision - this can be govt assisted financially. Perhaps the older child can attend Beavers or a sport club, maybe with a friend from school. DD might be able to change or condense her hours if she has a supportive employer so she can pick them up more. Or you might think of somewhere to take them occasionally which doesn’t make extra work for you, such as soft play or an indoor play area which provides kids meals. A minimum would be to look after them at their home with their own toys.
Maybe also try to change your reaction to change the atmosphere. For instance I joke that I might as well take food from the fridge and throw it in the bin as cook it for DGC. Wasting food really winds me up so it took me a long time to joke about it! But now I follow doctor’s advice and give them what they want, even if that’s toast or pizza every day, and don’t invest any effort in it. If they had a good breakfast or a good lunch I reckon that’s enough.
So, as long as they’re safe. don’t worry about mess in their home, you can leave it behind when you go home. Let them play outside, or cuddle up with a book or the TV if they’re tired, and diffuse the tension. School and nursery are very structured so they need to relax and let off steam. Reduce your expectations to a minimum, they are very young after all, and please don’t compare your GC to other respondents’ perfectly-behaved GC . We don’t know your family’s circumstances, and you are obviously having a difficult time, so make life as easy as you can and team up with your DD to find some ways to make everyone’s life easier. Little changes can have a big impact.

lizzypopbottle

Do you feed them? In your situation I would at least make sure they have no sugar, sweets, chocolate, white carbs, jam, cakes etc. Not even fruit to start with! Sugar will make them worse. If they object, too bad. Don't buy it and don't give in. Wholemeal cheese sandwiches or toast are OK. Hide remotes for the TV and lock other screens away. When they realise you mean what you say they might modify their behaviour and you can discuss rewards for good behaviour. I'd also consider (sounds drastic) putting locks on the doors of rooms you don't want them to enter! See how they like that!
They might start refusing to come though 😂😂😂

Prettyface has said she feeds them, but did you know that there is absolutely no evidence that sugar affects children’s behaviour?

I think I would be inclined to say now that I am struggling with their ‘boisterous’ behaviour, and would like her to make other arrangements for,say, after Christmas. You never know, she may just address the behaviour.

I'd be telling them that they're too much for you to look after, alternative childcare is needed 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Grandparents should be there for the fun bits - not a childcare option.

Just wondering if their father is in the picture and could you speak to him about their behaviour surely he isn’t as lax as your daughter, if not like others have suggested I would be unwell for a short spell and see how she copes without you, do you have any other AC that could speak to her about their concerns that it’s hard for you to cope as you are getting older.

Hithere
????

The bad back is a good idea if you don’t want to be as honest as perhaps you feel able to be. NJAPF.

Disobedience, defiance, no respect for poster’s house or property. Surely that is clear. enough? I can imagine rudeness and tantrums, shouting and screaming thrown into the mix. Unacceptable.
These are not our children but our children’s children and they are responsible for their children’s care, and behaviour.
If we help, and most do willingly, we save parents thousands of £££s but if our children allow their children to behave badly without correction then their gran is entitled to reduce her caregiving because of exhaustion, especially as she is on her own. 6, 4 and 2 year olds are hard work together, even if they behave perfectly.

The background about the posters husband is surely irrelevant. .

Chocolatelovinggran

I do some childcare but three difficult small children is far too much. Might I suggest "developing" a minor medical problem, necessitating a period of rest being prescribed, then a very gradual, very limited return to any caring duties.

Brilliant! No one can prove you haven’t developed a bad back (sciatica)
I have a bad back and I make sure people know about it if it’s playing up👍

The main issue here is that badly behaved is very vague.

What are the expectations that OP has for her GC?

Some examples of real life experiences would be needed to examine if gc behave their age or they need correction and yes, 3 kids would exhaust anybody, no matter the age.

One issue she mentions is picky eating, which is very normal in kids that age.

Kids are usually easier to handle if you are realistic with their life and age milestones and what they can handle.

Why background is important? Self explanatory, isn't it?

I may be mistaken but am imagining you are a younger mum hithere, who thinks older people should have the same energy and patience they had 30 or 40 years ago to look after small children. They don’t.
You have already asked the question about what it is they do, but they are hard to handle and that’s the point.

As for ‘background on this board’ why the need to bring up previous posts?

Again, OP, what are they doing they are misbehaving?

You have background in this board and some of your expectations in your threads were not always realistic (example - cost of care for your husband)

Being a grandmother is so much more than being an unpaid babysitter. I don’t get the concept of badly behaved children. Annoying yes. I am very wary of labelling children.
My bunch love being outside and happily enjoy set tasks. Together we have filled two recycling bins of garden waste - and my grandchildren happily help.
It’s normal for siblings to bicker.

It's not your responsibility to care for them. It's your daughter's. Have them on the terms you feel comfortable with and your daughter will have to like or lump it. Life's too short to be an unpaid baby sitter

It sounds like you’re juggling a lot and understandably exhausted. Setting clear boundaries with your daughter might help; perhaps suggest that she arrange alternative childcare sometimes or spend time with them in their own home. Taking small breaks and prioritising your own well-being can make a big difference.

I hope you can get something sorted out with your daughter.
Three small and clearly ‘lively’ children are hard work for one to look after. You need to cut back, it’s really too much,

Your daughter "doesn't tolerate" any criticism of her children's behaviour - well perhaps she had better look after them herself then. I think at 67, and with your husband in a care home, it is a bit much to expect you to have to deal with unruly children.

I think you need to explain to your daughter that you are finding it very tiring dealing with three small children and that you need to discuss with her how to cut your caring duties down. If she has any sense, she will try to co-operate with you on this - otherwise she will have to find someone who will look after three unruly children on a regular basis - it won't come cheap!

Hello astichintime
My daughter doesn’t cope
As simple as that …

Yes win you are absolutely right
I think I am scared of her but I wouldn’t care so much if it wasn’t for the grandchildren
I am definitely scared of losing them as I know I wouldnt cope with that

*They are disobedient and defiant and don’t have much respect for my house /property
Talking to my daughter is out of the question as she doesn’t tolerate any criticism of their behaviour *

The tragic thing for the grandkids, , is that Granny's opinion is not exceptional. It's how society as a whole will view the behaviour their mother condones.

They may have a tough time in the vital early years at school .

Being a disruptive defiant brat in the classroom, often leads to peer unpopularity . Other parents won't invite them to playdates; organisers of out of school activities will ask them to leave. At that stage of education, falling behind in early learning and social development can have longterm consequences.

OP you say that the GC are 6, 5 and 2, presumably you've looked after each of them as they've come along, and haven't suddenly been introduced to them, as 6, 5 and 2 year olds?

Assuming that's the case, then I don't really understand why you haven't already instilled rules about how they behave when they're at Nanny's? I too have 3 grandchildren, although all grown up now, but I used to look after them quite a bit from the time they were babies, and so they grew up knowing what was acceptable at Nanny's house, and what wasn't. In fact one Christmas Day their parents left them with me for a couple of hours while Mum went home to get dinner organised, when they came to collect them, we were sitting at the table doing some crafting with their new things. Their Dad stood and observed for a few minutes, and then said "How come they behave so nicely for you, and yet are little horrors at home?" The answer was "I don't allow them to get away with bad behaviour, it's as simple as that". So while I do understand your complaints about their behaviour, I can't help but wonder, why you've allowed them to get to this stage when they're with you, as if you've kept them in line up until now, what has changed? Or have you also permitted their bad behaviour up until now, and are suddenly beginning to see that indulgence when they're young, leads to poor behaviour as they grow older, and have realised that you don't like it?

If you don't want to fall out with your DD, I think your best plan, is to sit the bigger children down, and tell them firmly that their behaviour is upsetting you, and that in future, if they're naughty, or rude / ignore you, etc., then they will be punished, and MEAN IT! Decide in your mind what are suitable punishments for them at the ages they're at, warn them when they start to behave badly, and then implement the punishment if the bad behaviour doesn't stop, but whatever you do, don't make the mistake of threatening something you're not prepared to follow through with.

On the other hand, if you've genuinely had enough, then do what most Grans are advising, and tell your DD that you are getting too old to cope with 3 boisterous kids, and that she will have to find alternative child care.

I absolutely feel for you in this situation. I am a similar age to you and although my DGC are teenagers now i have been through this scenario involving different standards. I changed from looking after the children at my house to theirs because i realised it was taking it's toll on me and my home and also i have peace and quiet in my own place. Our home is precious and it's not ok for anybody to be disrespectful in that space. Your daughter is unlikely to change her approach to parenting and they are behaving to the limits that she does or doesn't set. While you're with them you can try to make small attempts to improve their behaviour. Could you possibly explain to your daughter that you cannot cope with the children not doing what they are told and ask if she can encourage them to behave and do what they are asked to do while you are looking after them? I wouldn't describe their behaviour as "bad", no parent wants to hear that, even when it is true. Wishing you the very best going forward. Bottom line : enjoy your DGC as much as possible but more importantly look after yourself x

It's common practice here for parents to send their children's own food, be that to a registered childminder or a grandparent.