Heartbreak at news daughter and family want to move to Australia

I was in your position 14 years ago my DD Sil and 2 gds aged 2 & 7 decided to move to Australia.
I didn’t hide how I felt I was devastated and allowed my emotions to show. My DD joined an expat group online to get advice and tips etc before they emigrated, she was told the first 2 years are the hardest, once you arrive there is lots of homesickness and feeling of being unsettled. I hung onto this and hoped this would make there decision to come home.
It never happened, they rented for the first 2 years then brought there first house. Started a business which became very successful.
I didn’t go to visit until they’d been there for 3 years. Then I went at Christmas for a month it was very emotional.
I proceeded to go every Christmas for 3 years. Eventually I started to look at moving out there i got the forms and all the info that was needed etc. it’s a long drawn out procedure that requires substantial amount of money.
Anyway to cut along story short.
They decided to come home after 10 years. They applied for there citizenship first so they could go back if they wanted to but have now settled back into the UK 5 minutes from me.
My eldest GD has been back twice to see friends as she’s 20 now and she classes both as home as she lived schooled there for 10 years. It’s heartbreaking… the only good thing is FaceTime my DD would call every week while I was sat on my sofa and she was at nippers with the GDs in the morning. Keep us update.

I have lived abroad and travelled quite widely, so have seen both sides. When I was doing most of my travelling , no mobile phones or computers. So the first thing I would suggest is to lookout for these groups, where you join to get cheaper flights etc.Dont know if they still exist, but you need to belong for a year to get the cheap flights.So once you feel they have decided to go, it would be a way to feel both connected and go towards saving for the trip.I would also advise having 1 or 2 stopovers as it is such a long way. Then you will have a little holiday on your way to see them . You only think of the shock and how things will change, and see it all as bad news. When I went to live in Portugal, the other possibility would have been living up in the Outer Hebrides. Actually much quicker getting back from Lisbon. I totally sympathise with you but think looking at possibilities for the future can help bit. Another way might be to later look to see a country somewhere halfway ish. Hoping some ideas help you. Of course there is the possibility that it may not suit them as much as they think, and they could return. An English friend I met when we both lived in Portugal moved to Bulgaria and then to Australia. We are still in touch after more than 40 years and when she comes over I go to meet her. I also keep her up to date with friends and news of her old home.I do hope you can begin to see some worthwhile things to look forward to.

Denise, my daughter went off to Oz about 15 years ago, and I haven't seen her in over 5 years, although we have a chatty life on the phone. Having seen Melbourne and other places nearby, plus the dreadful state of our country, I’m pleased and happy she’s there, now with a partner, and a really super job.
If I were a few years younger I would go too.
Your grandchildren will have a wonderful life.

Try to think that with WhatsApp, Zoom, e-mails it is easier and cheaper to keep in touch than it would have been when we were young.

I know this is cold comfort and I know how hard it is to accept this kind of decision. We would all like to keep our family near us - but it is just not always possible.

Unless you really, really want to uproot yourself at our time of life and move to a country you probably know next to nothing about DON'T!

If you do consider going too, look very carefully into what happens about your pension, what care costs are likely to be, if you should need to go into a care home later on and indeed whether anyone over retirement age will even be allowed to stay in Australia - Canada would not let you in, as far as I know, the cut-off point for immigration is forty, I believe, but I have no idea about Australia.

I was married to an Australian, who died at age 40 many years ago. For a short time there was a possibility that we would move to Australia, though I didn’t really want to. My parents didn’t make me feel at all guilty, and it was only when we decided not to go that my mother told me she had cried every night for weeks. I don’t think I would be so restrained in the same situation!

It's very hard to bear and you have my sympathy. My sister and her family emigrated to Australia in 1984 and have been there eversince. My parents and brother were all devastated, it was as though she'd died back in those days. No Internet, smart phones etc. Just a blue airmail letter every couple of months. Fortunately my sister has been able to visit us every 2/3 years and we have been to Australia several times. However, I still wish, after all these years, that she was just down the road and we could go for a coffee and chat once a week.

But we give them their roots and let them grow wings. I have a daughter in this country and one in Europe mainland. They could be in Oz for the amount I see them but Whatsapp helps and I think the uk one tries but not always succeeds to phone every week. They both have demanding children husbands and work and I remember being that way too. On dark days I wish they were back in their bedrooms on either side of mine but Heigh Ho….

It’s very difficult. Currently our daughter and partner are in Australia. Your head can see the positive opportunities but your heart is sad.

Many of us are the other side of the world from AC and DGC. Let them go with your blessing, and be glad we have the technology for weekly video calls. Not so many years ago there would only have been phone calls, not many decades ago it would have been air mail and printed photographs! Don’t have them carrying guilt at your sense of loss, they’re grasping an incredible opportunity and will hope you’ll share their excitement.

Of course it's not selfish of them to want to spread their wings and look for a better life.
You will miss them of course and feel sad Denise but you have done your job and raised an independent brave child. Don't let this overwhelm you, lots of ways now to keep in touch and you can visit.

In many cases, I notice, the DC in Australia went out as families so, presumably, their OH is British.
Are any in touch with the OH's parents so that you could support each other through this?

I know how you must feel when I had to bite my lip when hearing my son had found that the firm he once worked for in the uk were looking for people for their office in NZ so he jumped to the idea in 2005.
Being a daughter, as many have mentioned, there is a chance she will miss not having the help of her mum to look after her kids. It is early stages, so you never know.
When our son left for at least a month he wanted to chat with us every week. I felt it difficult at first but when hearing from others that I should let him live his own life now he has left the nest I started become less stressful and when my husband was alive we visited NZ which wouldn’t have happened if he was still in the UK. Also having WhatsApp is a wonderful invention.
If you have any other children in the UK you have them to help you until you feel more positive.
Good luck.

From your reaction I thought your daughter must have died.

Argymargy has good advice, my neighbours daughter and son in law emigrated to Australia and were back within the year, if they do stay then in time you can join them if it looks permanent

Maybe I have misunderstood but if that comment was directed to the OP I think it is very flippant and unfeeling comment.

I would be heartbroken too, one of my granddaughters went out there backpacking over a year ago and has a good job out there and applying for sponsorship to stay, even though we all miss her she is living her dream and we all want that for them
We keep in touch a lot with FaceTime and she tells me all about her wonderful new experiences.
Please try and be happy for them as I personally know what it’s like to be under family pressure when I was going to go when my children were little, we even sold our house but my elderly grandmother would be in tears every time it was mentioned so I gave up on the idea which I have regretted over the years.
There’s nothing in this country to hold her and I think worse it’s going to get, so let them go with your blessing and make a new healthier happier life for herself and her family.

Thanks again to everyone who responded. I’m working my way through my emotions and have not shared my feelings with my daughter. I want them to be happy so I’ll never put her under pressure. I completely understand their desire to have a better way of life and know she is a mother know and has to put her own family first. Thanks for all the kind comments to and advice. It has helped a lot.

emilie

From your reaction I thought your daughter must have died.

I’m surprised that you felt it necessary to make this comment. It added nothing other than to remind me that not everyone is blessed with kindness and empathy.

My sister`s dd emigrated, married an Englishman, had two children and divorced. She is now packing up to return back to the uk. Keep on with your own life OP, not everything in Australia and New Zealand is rosy and they may come back after finding out for themselves

My sister's son and his family moved to Cambodia many years ago and she was very worried about losing contact. However, she goes out there every Christmas and probably spends more quality time with them than she would if they still lived in the UK. I don't know how your finances are but could you afford to visit every year? You could have an extended holiday and spend time with the grandchildren in a wonderful environment. (I have visited Australia many times and it is a great place to bring up children). There is also Face Time now!

To be blunt, you’ve made your life choices, and they must make theirs. Do you want to store up her resentment if she changes her plans.
Don’t be selfish.

I often think that I would be almost relieved if one of my young adult GCs decided to emigrate. I see nothing for them here compared to the prospects for me at age 20.

It’s now much easier to keep in touch via WhatsApp etc and they’ll be back for visits. Be glad for them.

I suppose the thing is you can be glad for them and sad at the same time.

Surely if you have any feelings for your adult child and grandchildren, you would be heartbroken to be parted from them, especially if they are considering moving a very long way away. Although the OP herself says she is being selfish, I don't think she is because she is trying her best to hide her feelings - but she should be allowed to express them on here without people getting all holier than thou about it.

1 agree, the OP is just a normal mother and grandmother who loves her family. God forbid that My DD and SIL would ever decide to do this but if they did I would immediately want to pack my bags and follow them but I know that would be unrealistic as Australia certainly not want a couple of old codgers like us.
Denise7125 I really feel for you and hope you will be able to find the means for lots of visits.