Expectations regarding care of sick grandchild

We’ve had similar

Lots of bugs from grandchildren whilst caring for them resulting in complications and exhaustion

I would never have expected my parents to care for our child when poorly

There’s a huge attitude shift these days of entitlement and lack of empathy/respect

Ok there are times when it’s difficult to gauge the severity of a snuffle or bug but to knowingly place a child with their GPs in these circumstances is appalling

The knock on effect on the GPs health places them at risk of having to stop the often free childcare

Unfair !

Of course it’s difficult if you are working but that’s the job to plan for these things and should be to protect the GPs even if ‘ inconvenient’

Bit late on this post but we look after our grandson 1 day per week. Started when he was 1...he's now 3. We are happy to take him with any illness except D and V. Reason being that last time I caught this I was still recovering for almost two weeks and couldn't do any childcare for
them. If the nursery won't take them then nor should we as it impacts the parents and us. I have a few friends who go by the same rule. My grandson caught a nasty cold virus recently and we still took him..but he just wanted his mum the whole time.
Most employers understand the need for days off for sick kids. It shouldn't be put on grandparents who are kind enough to offer their services and want to try and stay well for everyone's sake.

watermeadow

Modern life dictates that most parents have to work to pay the bills. They have a fixed number of days leave and of course need to use most leave when their children are on holiday from school. They can’t take off random days to stay home with a sick child, much as they’d like to.
Childcare costs a fortune and I have always been available to help out when I can. Children are our future, it’s our duty to help bring them up if possible.

No it isn't.

My DDs would simply have not expected this of me.
Your son is out of order in a big way.

Talking of the norovirus I was interested to read a few months ago that a clinical trial is underway to develop a vaccine for this nasty virus.
It started last year, so maybe a routine jab will be available in the not too distant future.

I believe Moderna is conducting the trial.

watermeadow

Modern life dictates that most parents have to work to pay the bills. They have a fixed number of days leave and of course need to use most leave when their children are on holiday from school. They can’t take off random days to stay home with a sick child, much as they’d like to.
Childcare costs a fortune and I have always been available to help out when I can. Children are our future, it’s our duty to help bring them up if possible.

It's not any grandparents "duty" to knowingly put themselves at risk of catching Norovirus which can cause considerable other health problems in older people and is dangerous for them. A perfectly healthy person in their 60's is more vulnerable.

It is also the ACs "duty" to take responsibility for their child if regular arrangements fall through! I wonder what they would "expect to do" if the parents were seriously ill and couldn't do the care!

This is a very tricky one, and must be so upsetting for you. I can see things from your son's point of view. If he takes a day off every time the baby has runny stools he will quickly run out of holiday allowance, and then what happens? We have this situation with my son's nursery. Every time our granddaughter has loose stools they call for the parents to collect her! Her parents both work, so this is quite a crazy situation. I have her one day a week and, due to the nursery's policy I absolutely have to have her if she has loose stools, and am very willing to, as 99% of the time 'loose stools' are not a problem. Also, you refer to 'our age'. He's right. Mid-60s is not old! (I'm late 60s.) You do say your husband had a heart attack a year ago, but I can understand him thinking you're playing the 'health card'. On the other hand, you have both been very ill from this 'Norovirus' and when your son says you 'lack empathy', I think it's a case of him lacking empathy! He should understand exactly why you feel unwilling right now to look after the baby if there is diarrhoea/vomiting! It's also very unfair of him to compare you to the other Gran, who after all only has the baby for half a day a week. I would gently remind him that you were both very unwell and that this does make you feel nervous of looking after the baby when there are loose stools. Hopefully he will then come back to you and say (on reflection!) that he does understand that. Hopefully then you will be willing to take the baby when there are loose stools and hope that you and your husband are not ill again from that - it's very unlikely. And of course if you are, then your son will have to change his childcare arrangements.

We helped with childcare for a while.

One set of parents told us they would t expect or indeed want us to look after an unwell child. A cold, yes if we agreed, a high temperature or anything resembling norovirus then definitely no.

The second set of parents were simply told we do not care for children with very upset tummies and definitely not if they could have caught norovirus.

There was no irritation, certainly no rudeness, just a gentle acceptance. Stick to your guns snowbikky, there will be a way.

He should mot have spoken like that. Totally unacceptable attitude.
Even as young adults, my grandchildren always check before coming to see me if they have a heavy cold or infection. It is a matter of respect of our increased vulnerability. Anyone with a heart condition certainly should not deliberately be exposed to Novavirus.

watermeadow

Modern life dictates that most parents have to work to pay the bills. They have a fixed number of days leave and of course need to use most leave when their children are on holiday from school. They can’t take off random days to stay home with a sick child, much as they’d like to.
Childcare costs a fortune and I have always been available to help out when I can. Children are our future, it’s our duty to help bring them up if possible.

They have a fixed number of days leave.

You're confusing paid leave entitlement, with emergency leave entitlement to care for a sick dependant. Plus of course, every employee is legally entitled to paid sick leave for their own illness.

In UK working parents CAN take time off to care for a sick child. It's their right in law and there is no fixed number of days.

www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants.

Perhaps you are equally uninformed about the risks to older people from Norovirus.

I would feel very upset too. You and your husband caught Norovirus from your GC. and you were both ill. Obviously, going forward, you should protect yourselves and refuse to provide childcare if your GD has diarrhoea / vomiting again. A parent should have stayed home with her. Your son was bang out of order speaking so rudely to you. I would try and forget that unless he critizises you again in which case you could tell him how upset you were by his behaviour. It's tempting to say, "Who the hell do you think you are speaking to your Mother like that"? but not to be recommended if you want to restore relationships!

Norovirus is extremely contagious. There’s a very good reason why hospitals often have a notice , that if you have signs of norovirus, please stay away . If your dh has heart problems, it’s very sensible to keep him away from sick people.
Your son is very entitled and should apologise to you . You’re doing him a favour with free childcare .
Yes it’s tough on parents to take time off work to care for a sick child , but that’s life and with so many people wfh , it’s probably easier than when my DC were young .
When mine were very young and ill , they wanted me or my dh , even though they adored my mother who did childcare during the school holidays .

Modern life is very stressful.
Child care is a nightmare .
I sympathesise with your son , but HOW VERY RUDE AND UNGRATEFUL OF HIM
Everything is hunky dory as long as you are providing child care .
And never mind how old and sick you are !
I hope that you receive an apology and that it doesn't happen again .

I never spoke to either of my parents rudely and neither was I ungrateful for any help offered .
I reel from the barrage of insults which I've had .
Take a well deserved break .

Years ago, on this particular day, my little granddaughter just wouldn’t settle after her mum (my daughter) dropped her off to me on her way to work.
She just wanted her mother. Nothing I did could settle her. She made herself sick by crying and I got very concerned. So I rang my daughter and said there was no way I could carry on - she just had to return. Fortunately, she had a good boss and was given the day off. My little granddaughter is now 22 years old and still very close to her mother..
I shall never forget that day.
Ofcourse, I continued to look after them and their cousins who followed later.
Hard work but done with love 💕

Your expectations are perfectly reasonable Snowbilly.

The issue about what will happen if the child is ill should have been raised by the parents. It appears they assumed the paternal GP's would have their GC regardless of whatever illness the child may have. Maybe his parents assumed they wouldn't be asked if an illness was particularly bad and/or contagious.

In any event, it's the son who should have made sure he knew if there was any situation that would prevent his parents from providing free child care.

Thanks to everyone for your wise advice. There was no breakdown in communication before we committed to regular childcare. As she is our first grandchild we are still learning but had (clearly wrongly) assumed that our son and wife would not have even considered expecting us to look after a child who had very recently begun with Norovirus, so were caught on the hop.
I am fully aware that times have changed and modern parents are often juggling many competing demands on them. I was not lucky enough to have my own mother around when my children were little as she died when I was 25, but I decided to put on pause a successful teaching career to look after my children at home (including when they were ill) and never regretted that. We were not well off and many luxuries were sacrificed. I do not sit in judgement on our son and DIL who have made different choices, but I do expect a degree of respect and acknowledgement of our needs

No wonder the norovirus is so prevalent! People don't seem to realise how infectious it is...!

Small children are not called ‘cute carriers’ for nothing.
And as we ourselves age our own immune systems are less robust.
Be careful what you agree to.
Be sensible.

I agree, but it should have been one of the key things discussed before taking on the commitment, rather than on the hop. Set whatever rules suit you, but I can see both perspectives when it’s last minute.

You need to speak to your son about his attitude. If he is behaving like this at this stage what is he going to be like in years to come? What is his wife like? Is she the same? Your husband is vulnerable after his heart attack.

But it wasn’t had before that (possibly). The grandparent still has a right to protect herself from an infectious disease. That’s not my opinion, that’s a fact. Grandparents have free will. We all do. She has a right to decline to babysit at the risk of her own health.

This is your opinion BlessedArt, not a fact. Every grandparent makes their own decisions. What appears to have happened in this case is a breakdown in communication before the grandparents started regular childcare. I’m not condoning the son’s attitude, just saying that this conversation should have been had before they took on caring, because it’s inevitable that young children catch everything going, so it was predictable.

Yes very selfish indeed. I hope you get an apology at least. Parents are allowed time of work to look after sick children, it may be without pay depending on the company policy.

Cadson, infectious disease is a no-brainer when it comes to expecting others to take care of your children. Unless the parent is completely self-centered it’s understood that childcare has limits. This is where parental sacrifice comes in. It’s completely unreasonable to expect others to risk their health for your children. It makes it worse when you expect aging grandparents to. Being a working parent in a demanding job is a normal occurrence in society. It doesn’t give anyone license to berate their parents when they cannot provide childcare.

Establishing non-negotiables upfront is not a magic pill against a grandparent deciding they cannot babysit for one reason or another. Not every specific scenario is predicable, thus all parents should have some semblance of a back up plan for childcare. Every form of childcare is subject to circumstance, paid or not. Providing childcare for your children isn’t some binding business contract. Life happens. No excuse for the rudeness and entitlement displayed here. None.