Nannying grandson infant full time, nanny cam, boundaries and advice

Bluebelle You are right retread but what would you do?

I wouldn't go in hard from the off , I'd keep my powder dry ...

The way they are treating you is utterly intolérable. You don't have to be their skivvy, at their beck and call any time they want you.

As for having cameras set up, they can forget that right now. You should not be subject to this surveillance. Either they trust you or they don't.

As others have said, you really need to be strong and put the boundaries in place.
Once they have to start paying for a nanny, they will appreciate it even more if you can look after your grandson from time to time.
Good luck in finding an acceptable solution.

I think the last sentence in your OP is exactly what would make me give them a time period to find alternative care. I would lead with your exhaustion and fear of falling asleep in my communications, but to be perfectly honest I also wouldn’t be tolerating being treated as merely the untrusted hired help. There is no way as a grandmother would I willingly be monitored on a nanny cam. Their baby, their rules but they’d need a child-miner other than myself.

Can you enlist your other children to back you up here?

What is their opinion on this, especially as you canot spend time with them now, and you missed your son's milestone birthday? It sounds as if they don't care about their siblings either.

My take is that this a family matter, including your husband. So I suggest speaking to each sibling and try to get them all together to work something out, otherwise I can see a rupture occuring in this family.

‘Last week I was told if I wanted a day off or a vacation I would have to give them two months notice and they would consider it. AND...her husband is a "boss" at work and I think he tries to make me feel like an employee, or have that dynamic.‘

Unbelievable - you have to let this selfish pair know 2 months in advance if you want ‘a day off’ and the entitled ones will CONSIDER it?! What do your other children think about this? You are being exploited and much as you want to be a part of your baby grandson’s life you must put a stop to this. Talk to your doctor about exhaustion, yes, it could affect your driving. Get some changes made, soon.

keeping quiet -
Crosspost but surely the siblings have noticed what is going on and must have opinions. Has anyone ever said ‘No’ to your daughter or has she been indulged all her life?

I am sorry, if I am upsetting the OP but this is sounding so extreme, I am beginning to wonder if it is a con.

IF this is actually real... the first thing I would do,would be to unplug the camera!
They either trust you with the child or they dont. If they do, then they dont need you on record. If they dont they need to get a qualified nanny for their child.
I understand you are concerned that you will 'lose' your grandchild if you rock the boat but as things stand you wont be around to have a relationship anyway.. sorry if that is brutal.
The level of disrespect is off the chart.
You are entitled to a life of your own, they should be parenting their child not passing the job to you.
Look after yourself 'cos it sounds like no-one else will.

And yes, I am from USA - I stumbled across this but so glad I did. I am a British, Irish and Scottish mutt from my mom's side. I LOVE English movies, and have picked up so much of the lingo which people make fun of me for - however, I find the English culture to be so practical, and I'm so comfortable in and English setting (manners, etc). USA, gives GenXers a free pass to abuse. So entitled. And we as Americans are so entitled in general. It is embarrassing. So thanks for putting up with me and welcoming me.

Just a little point that occurred to me. You need to be careful of setting a precedent. If you spend so much time with your first GC, your other children will expect similar for their babies when they come along. You need to make time and space for yourself.

You are indeed welcome, Grammiebe.

I looked after my daughter's baby 9 -5 5 days a week. I did a few bits of cleaning if something caught my eye, kept an eye on the slow cooker if she'd left it on, and sat down and put all the clean nappies back together (they were reusables that came in several pieces and were quite time consuming to assemble) As long as the flat was still standing and the baby was fine when she got home she was happy. Honestly, if they want more than that it means actually employing someone.

I found this stressful to read. You are being treated appallingly. They are treating you like a slave and not showing you once ounce of respect.

I'm sorry, but your daugthter and her husband are taking the P!ss, and sorry to say that you are letting them do it.

I know it will be hard but you need to sit them both down, maybe with your husband present and tell them this has to stop. If necessary make a list of what you are and not willing to do.

I can't even say they are treating you as a nanny/housekeeper, because neither of those would have put up with their nonsense. Having to give them two months notice of an appointment and they will consider it? Who the hell do they think they are?

I will always remember when my mum retired. The first thing she said to me was 'I am not working but don't expect me to be a baby sitter' I never did.

Good luck, it won't be easy but you need to shine your spine and tell them. Don't ask them, tell them what you are willing and available to do.

We are rooting for you .
Please stand up for yourself.
When you work as you are doing you are putting your mental and physical health at risk.

I caused offence by telling someone just that a fortnight ago .
She's caring for her elderly sick parents and running her daughter's home 24/7.
Wishing you luck.

M0nica

I am sorry, if I am upsetting the OP but this is sounding so extreme, I am beginning to wonder if it is a con.

I wonder this too.

I wonder about your DD grammiebe She doesn't seem to have any idea of what being a mother entails.
She was back at work after 2 months which is far too early. She misses her baby, hence the camera.

I don't believe you knew it would be so hard either.
I hope you work something out but maybe DD could give up her job for a while and learn to be a mum.

Welcome to GN.

GrandmaKT

Just a little point that occurred to me. You need to be careful of setting a precedent. If you spend so much time with your first GC, your other children will expect similar for their babies when they come along. You need to make time and space for yourself.

That’s a very good point.,

Covering for their hobbies and leisure activities should be left to your DD and DSIL to cover for each other.

Please don’t put up with this OP.

Their lives appear not to have changed as a result of having your DGS. They have to make some adjustments?

Best of luck.

I think it's interesting that you say your mother used to palm you off on to other relatives when it suited her. This may have left you feeling that you just can't say no when it comes to looking after your grandson therefore your kindness is being abused. Having read your post several times I fear that you are indeed being abused by your daughter and son-in-law. You really must stand your ground and cut back on what you are doing. Can you imagine what the fallout would be if, in your exhausted state you have an accident !!! You are worth more than this, tell them in no uncertain manner how you feel.

petra

I couldn’t get past the lack of paragraphs.

Oh well that is helpful! 🙄

This is sheer slavery OP!
When they next ask you to babysit for a hobby or event they wish to attend tell them you need TWO months notice!
Please, find your backbone and stop being a drudge for your DD and SIL! A Nanny wouldn’t do half the jobs you’re tasked with and the rate of pay is a bloody insult!

This scenario is so implausible, as to be questioned,
insurance paid but no expenses,
with travel a 12 hour day, for a nanny/housekeeper
in her sixties,
this is modern slavery
I don’t believe family members
are exempt from this unlawful exploitaion .
worst of all, leaving a 2 month old baby so soon

Is this your first grandchild? I wonder if you have done the same for other grandchildren, if there will be more in the future how can you possibly have time or energy for them too? Also when this little one is up and about you will be beyond exhausted, those are long hours and you have no time for yourself and the rest of the family! Could your other children step in and talk to your daughter and SIL? They could express concern for you if your husband won’t get involved. You need to stand up for yourself please do it now!

As far as I know, there is little paid maternity leave in US, so mother tend to go back to work much earlier than in European countries.
So being back at work after only 2 months would not be unusual.