Daughter and soninlaw have let housework slide during lockdown

Mum is that you?

Surely you could ask your son in law how she is? A messy home is not necessarily any indication of depression, though. If they've been there all the time, perhaps working from home too, there is bound to be more housework to do. Maybe he's not doing his fair share?

Can you not visit again and offer to help? If you have the kind of relationship where you could be frank with her, you could tell her that you know it's hard looking after a little one and working, but you are worried about her and DGC. I could say it to my children (and they could say it to me) without any bad feeling, but I know not everyone is the same. I would be itching to help clean and tidy and if your DGC smells, then something has to be done.

A lot of people are stressed, depressed and fed up with the same four walls. Housework has become a constant monotony because people are home 24/7 creating more mess. Absolutely say nothing unless there are signs of serious neglect.

I can imagine how you might itch to help clean up & sort out your little family but I agree with Starblaze. They're five hours away anyway so you may end up being a huge help only to find that on subsequent visits standards have slipped again. Will you want to keep making five hour treks to repeat the exercise? I'd stay out of it unless asked for help. Otherwise you might risk alienation? I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. Leave them to it.

I wouldn't worry too much about the house but if you have concerns about your grandchild
AnotherGranny then perhaps you need to talk to your daughter and son in law. Maybe you could offer to stay for a few days or for your family to come to you for a while if that's possible.

I think because I live so far away it's really difficult for things not to get blown out of proportion, my granddaughter is happy, content and progressing well and normally a bit of mess wouldn't bother me, but the entire house looks like a teenagers bedroom, I hope it's just temporary with the situation we are in. I won't be able to go back down until the end of August and was thinking of offering to babysit so they could have some time away together, then I could clean up as a surprise for them coming home.

I wouldn't mention anything unless it is a serious biological hazard.

Did you otherwise enjoy the visit? That is what counts.

Anothergranny please don't clean their house without permission. If the baby has nap, maybe you could tidy the kitchen but definitely don't touch any other living space while they are out. Just let them have a break and spend the time with grandchild.

My son and DIL have a very messy house, not all that clean at times. They also have two happy intelligent affectionate extremely well fed children.

I think I worry because she had a depressive episode in her teens and self neglect was an indicator then. She is not neglecting her daughter, she is brilliant with her, spends lots of time with her, teaching her really well, but the house is completely neglected.

Yes it was brilliant to see them again after all the time apart, my granddaughter is a pleasure to be with, beautiful, happy and progressing really well. The weather was great so we all went out for walks and to the park, I'm probably worked for no reason

Anothergranny those are good priorities, she will never get the special time with her daughter back, the housework can wait. If it doesn't bother your daughter, it shouldn't bother you

If SIL is working from home it may well be difficult for your daughter to be able actually do the housework without disturbing him. My DS has been working from home since March and has had to commandeer their kitchen as his office working space. So dishes, washing and vacuuming has to wait until he's finished work. Not easy when their are little ones around to keep occupied as well.

I think your sixth sense is telling you something is not right, particularly after the teenage depressive episode. Mess is one thing, but bad smells, in house and grandchild, is another, particularly in summer when fresh air is easily available.
Perhaps she is suffering new mother blues, deprived of contact with family and friends by lockdown and things will improve as normal life returns. As for the housework, there is little you can do, other than offer to buy a dishwasher (?).

Housework was never my priority and my mother tried to help; I took it as criticism, which it wasn't, but I became defensive, to the extent of hiding away the piles of ironing she would happily have done for me.

As a friend's frig magnet said many years ago ' You can notice my dust but please don't write in it'. You may notice the state of your daughter's house but don't comment. It's not your house, not your life. Just be there for her if or when she does ask for your help.

I'd sooner have a messy home with happy kids than a pristine house with unhappy kids.

I hate, hate housework with a passion! it’s boring repetitive and thankless! but a certain amount has to be done to keep hygiene going sadly! I wouldn’t worry if DGC is happy and healthy and mum and dad are interacting well with the baby I would leave well alone. Only intervene if it becomes a health hazard or if asked to by either of them.
Lock down has been a nightmare with housework! Children create a trail of mess wherever they go, especially the under 5’s (and some teenagers!) and it’s a full time job trying to keep up with cleaning, tiding, cooking and playing/entertaining/educating them! It’s better to prioritise the latter three than the first two in my opinion.

If you're in a position to organise a professional cleaning service for your daughter then I'm sure that would cheer her up and take off any pressure from looking after a 9 month old baby under these awful times.....

Firstly - follow your instinct- is your GChild being neglected / if he/she is then you need to step in. Offer to go again maybe for a day or two then you can help with the child at least. Your daughter may not mind a mess . Secondly I would not ‘have a word ‘with the partner / husband as was suggested / that would be undermining your daughter and very divisive. Be kind and brave - good luck ...

Would it work in your relationship with your daughter simply to ask if she would like you to do anything to help in the house - you understand that its been hard during lock down and would love to help if that's what she would like? My daughter would have loved me to do the work! And when she had very small children I often did, much to her pleasure.

Offering to babysit next time you visit, but don't clean up as a surprise.

I would have been mortified and horrible offended if my mother had done that, but I wouldn't have minded her offering to do some of the cleaning.

If you feel you can't offer without offending your daughter, then I can't see you can do anything at all.

If you are spending hours every day keeping your house sparkling then any house will look messy to you including mine as I don’t believe in wasting time on menial housework!

Are you sure you are being totally objective?

All babies smell in my opinion!

I couldn’t comment as I don’t know the parties involved but my son has always lived in a similar fashion. He’s now married and has a lovely home but to me it’s like pig sty. They are happy and contented and just don’t notice what their house is like. It’s low on their priority list.
I would never interfere unless I had very serious concerns.