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Grandparenting

Naming of step grandparents

(147 Posts)
suzandy7 Mon 14-Jun-21 18:56:30

My daughter (37) insists on her stepfather being called Uncle...... (1st name) instead of 'Grandpa' which is what he really wants. My Granddaughter is 22months old.
We have been married for nearly 16 years and he has been part of our lives for nearly 20 years.
This is really breaking his heart (and mine) as he has always loved her and treated her as his own daughter. I don't want a show-down but this elephant in the room is squashing my life!
Surely he is entitled to be called what he wants not what she wants?
We think this is so her birth father doesn't get angry with the little one (or daughter) if she should refer to him as Grandpa in years to come. (He's still the same bully as ever)
We don't see them very often as they are 160 miles away.
Has anyone else had this problem and if so how did you resolve it?

Ladyleftfieldlover Mon 14-Jun-21 19:02:24

My mother remarried after my father died. I always call my stepfather by his Christian name. When my children came along they did the same. He wasn’t bothered at all.

Mattsmum2 Mon 14-Jun-21 19:04:35

My mums long time partner was always called grandad by my children and I loved to be able to do this for him as he never had any children if his own. My brothers children called him ‘uncle ‘ and then his first name as they became adults. Mine still called him grandad, he died 5 years ago and I always call him my stepdad even though they weren’t married. I cant understand if your husband has been such an important part of your lives that he can’t be called grandad, children can have lots of grandparents, the more the merrier!

JaneJudge Mon 14-Jun-21 19:08:44

Mine call my stepdad Grandad and I call him by his first name. Does your ex husband control your daughter in other ways?

eazybee Mon 14-Jun-21 19:10:17

Surely he is entitled to be called what he wants not what she wants?
No he is not.
It is the child's parents who decide. Your husband is a relative only by marriage, and the child has a blood grandfather, however much you may dislike him.
What a fuss about such a trivial matter.
I speak as a step-grandmother, and the children call me by my christian name, by mutual agreement.

welbeck Mon 14-Jun-21 19:13:06

it's up to her really.
how about if they just call him, george say, without the uncle.

Peasblossom Mon 14-Jun-21 19:22:29

Did your daughter call him Dad? If not she won’t see him as Grandad.

I don’t much like the ‘uncle’ but it’s up to her. I’d just use his first name, adding uncle is a bit of a mouthful anyway.

If I was fortunate enough to have a beautiful 22 month old granddaughter she could call me and my partner whatever she liked🙂

MamaCaz Mon 14-Jun-21 19:24:08

He shouldn't have to accept a 'name' that he doesn't want - the child's parents have 100% say in what they call their own child, but not in what the child calls another person. At the same time, they do have to feel comfortable with whatever is chosen , so some sort of compromise is definitely needed here, one that upsets no one.

Hithere Mon 14-Jun-21 19:25:14

You married your now his husband when your daughter was an adult - 21 yrs old.

It is up to your dd to decide, not you.

Please do not tell her how dissatisfied you are or it may damage your relationship

What's more important a a good relationship or a name?

greenlady102 Mon 14-Jun-21 19:27:39

My almost adult great niece has called her parents by their christian names ever since she could talk. her little sister says Mum and Dad...honestly its only words. if she loves you both and that's your only problem then you are lucky folk

ElaineI Mon 14-Jun-21 19:27:41

Can't she call him a different name like Pops or Papa or something else similar? Either that or his Christian name. Not worth getting upset.

greenlady102 Mon 14-Jun-21 19:28:55

MamaCaz

He shouldn't have to accept a 'name' that he doesn't want - the child's parents have 100% say in what they call their own child, but not in what the child calls another person. At the same time, they do have to feel comfortable with whatever is chosen , so some sort of compromise is definitely needed here, one that upsets no one.

he doesn't have to accept it but they both might not like the consequences of a refusal to accept it.

Calendargirl Mon 14-Jun-21 19:43:00

Pappa is the name used for a step grandad I know.

MamaCaz Mon 14-Jun-21 19:43:33

As I said, compromise is needed, by both sides.

Calendargirl Mon 14-Jun-21 19:44:33

Previous post.

Distinguishes him from the ‘real’ grandad, but still sounds affectionate.

welbeck Mon 14-Jun-21 19:47:57

not really. the parent trumps, always. so best bend to that.

greenlady102 Mon 14-Jun-21 19:48:32

MamaCaz

As I said, compromise is needed, by both sides.

yes but there are already issues beteween the parents according to the OP. Why make difficult worse?

welbeck Mon 14-Jun-21 19:51:40

it's the step/grandparents who will potentially lose out, so best to fit in with parent's wishes.

MamaCaz Mon 14-Jun-21 19:58:50

What issues, apart from that of how the baby is to refer to the step-grandparent"? confused

MamaCaz Mon 14-Jun-21 19:59:38

My last post was to greenlady

greenlady102 Mon 14-Jun-21 19:59:47

MamaCaz

What issues, apart from that of how the baby is to refer to the step-grandparent"? confused

read the OP

MamaCaz Mon 14-Jun-21 20:10:17

I have, several times, and can't see other issues that are relevant confused

greenlady102 Mon 14-Jun-21 20:13:02

MamaCaz

I have, several times, and can't see other issues that are relevant confused

"We think this is so her birth father doesn't get angry with the little one (or daughter) if she should refer to him as Grandpa in years to come. (He's still the same bully as ever)"

Cabbie21 Mon 14-Jun-21 20:16:56

I have a good relationship with my stepson, though they do live some distance away so we don’t see them very often. I have been part of his life since he was about 10, and he has no contact with his mother. Yesterday he differentiates between me and my husband and it is made quite clear to their daughter that although my husband is her Grandad, I am Granny Cabbie, a step below, kept at a distance. There is no ill feeling, it is just the pecking order my step son has chosen. I am glad for my husband that he has a grandchild, as I have four, plus one step grandchild. I hadn’t planned to treat her any differently, but that’s the way it is.
I hope it works out for the OP.

MamaCaz Mon 14-Jun-21 20:23:03

"We think this is so her birth father doesn't get angry with the little one (or daughter) if she should refer to him as Grandpa in years to come. (He's still the same bully as ever)"

I took that that 'issue' as being something between daughter and her father, the OP's ex, and the likely reason why daughter does not want the stepfather to be called Grandpa, but I don't see how it is why it should preclude compromise between daughter, mother and mother's husband over a different but mutually-acceptable name.