Regular grandchild-minding

But is now ...

I'm going to put a spanner in the works I'm afraid! Not everyone is lucky enough to have grandchildren. I have and my daughter is married to a serving soldier so they move about quite a bit so if I want to see my gorgeous granddaughter I must travel to see her. It's between a five and six hour drive for me and I've retired. Our grandchildren are not little for very long and I advise anyone to seize the opportunity to look after them . Remember how quickly your own children grew up! If I'm asked to do Granny duty I cannot wait to drive up to Catterick from Essex to see my granddaughter and would willingly do two consecutive days even at this distance. This time is so precious . Don't throw it away. You won't ever get it again!

Could your DD and DGC come to your house and sleep over, DD then commutes to work from yours so effectively they sleep at yours twice a week but really they need to be consecutive nights I guess . I do lots of grannying and love it but DGC live very close by. Could get more complicated when your DGC starts pre school though as needs to be at own home. Not easy and I feel you might regret being so amenable

A really big ask, but of course you long to spend time with your grandchild. Sometimes emotional blackmail is involved in the parent-grandparent relationship! Having said that, I have loved taking care of my 2 grandchildren but, as someone has said, never at the same time. It is just too much, and they squabble, and I don't need that. It is better for them, anyway, to have one-to-one attention. My first grandchild was born while I was in hospital with neutropenia (from chemo) so I didn't get to meet him for a week. When he was 5 months old, my daughter was set to go back to work just as I was to embark on 5 weeks of radiotherapy, so I asked for a month's "holiday" from treatment, so that I could look after him for her first month back at work. It was granted, and that was a very precious month, I'll always be glad I did it. I continued to be very involved in his life until he went to school, and it's true, it goes by so quickly. When no. 2 came, four years later, I thought I would be up for just as much childcare but I have never got over the post-treatment fatigue so have had to limit caring for her to one day a week, plus the odd night at the week-end (they both like their "sleepovers" at Mamie's house...). I think it's important to set boundaries from the beginning, as it's easier to say, "I'll take the kids a bit more if you like", rather than "I'm sorry, I just cope with looking after them that often".

I agree with pauline too. This is a very big cheek ask. I see so many exhausted grandparents, who have worked and raised their own children, only to be required to do it all over again.

Small children are very hard work; and when they start school there'll be even less flexibility. You may well find yourself even more tied. And what happens when you're ill?

One set of gps I know upped sticks to look after the gcs, and by the time they were in secondary school both gcs fell ill and died, within a year of each other. They were only mid 60s. .

Wanting to see/enjoy/experience your gcs is one thing; building a longed-for retirement around them is something else altogether.

Sorry meant both gps had died....not gcs...

pauline42 this is one case where you can have your cake and eat it. Being a GP is rewarding ad caring for a young child can keep you mobile, improve your skills (so many places you can take them now), give you a laugh and generally enrich your life. But it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the rest of your retired life. In fact I think it makes you realise how quickly time passes so you make the most of all your opportunities and throw yourself into other things. Doing as much as possible while you can.

We love looking after my GD two days a week, but I do find it exhausting, as I have just recently retired on ill health grounds and don't always feel up to it. We had lots of plans for retirement, but those are now on hold.
It is restricting, as DIL never works the same two days each week, so it is difficult to make plans. The other gran is supposed to do the third day, but she is sometimes unreliable and will drop out at the last minute, leaving us to do the extra childcare. However, I wouldn't change it for the world, as DGD was born against all the odds after years of trying and is so precious to us.
I only went back to work myself when my children were of secondary age, as both my mother and MIL felt a mother's place was at home. I am happy to help my children make a better life for themselves.
It does get difficult trying organise things. Our central heating boiler packed up again at the weekend,(it isn't even that old), so we are having a new one fitted on Friday,but have to work around the childcare. If the other gran changes her mind about Friday, we are scuppered.
I sympathise with you Jackpat, the journey sounds so stressful, I hate motorway driving. To have to drive back after childminding all day is an awful lot to ask of you. I am so fortunate all my children live a 10 minute drive away. In the end we do it because we love our children and grandchildren. Sometime though, I think our children forget we aren't getting any younger and are also entitled to a life of our own.

I did a day a week when the GC were pre-school & a day a week of after-school care in term-time now. The 70 mile journey there & back is sometimes horrendous - it took 3 hours by train because trains didn't tie up though driving now they've moved is easier. But I always made sure there was something in it for me/us too to make the journey worthwhile. London was a womderdul playground with lots of free things to do & that is bearing fruit now. Now, before we pick them up, we go somewhere nice en route. However, I insisted there was back- up if we ever we were ill or had another unavoidable engagement or wanted to go on holiday. Don't forget GPs often catch the GCs bugs. The parents have to learn to ask for help from others & give it in return, or take time off work like I remember we had to with ours, though I know it is harder now. Our GS has epilepsy so finding back up is harder but DD has kept searching & found really good help & friends too.

It's not just the driving per se, it's the added stress of the unpredictability of the journey. The OP could be in traffic for an hour and a half potentially! That's on top of a day's childcare which, let's face it, is no picnic!

Those who say you should not consider NOT doing this may not understand that the older some of us get, the harder things become that used to be easy. A 40 commute RT on busy conjested roads + motorway is a tough road trip in the winter dark, especially when wet. I live at the junction of two motorways and when there's an accident, you are stuck out there for hours and hours. What I could do easily at 55 are not as easy at 67.

It would be a tragedy if an exhausted gran over-looked a wee one getting into mischief in the home when in charge, or needs something urgent when stuck on a motorway. Some of us lose our confidence as we lose our former sharp-as-a-tack go-getter energy levels.

I could not do this without my DH help. He does everything but change the nappies (I think because it's a DGD and he had boys). But he would if I really asked! And he would find it all a handful at almost 75 if I wasn't there, too.

We all surely do what we can, but need to know our limits and that our children understand we are dependable but not indestructible!

I think the OP needs to understand her personal limits and measure up what she can really do and be honest with her daughter. Our children often do not want to admit we are getting older. I am guilty as well whilst my dad was alive.

Surely she wants to do it all, but sometimes our bodies don't cooperate!

No ooo you are not bad for having these feelings, you are just being realistic about the commitment you are being asked to undertake especially as it sounds like you would be on your own. It would be better if the 2days were together then you could stay overnight or better still just one day, or even maybe you could spend the petrol money on helping pay for an extra day with the childminder ( to be payed back if poss) good luck it's not easy, you should not feel guilty if you have doubts about committing on a permanent basis, big hug

Hi jackypat, Some excellent advice already posted but I'd like to add my thoughts too.
My daughter also asked me if I would commit to childcare one or two days a week in order to reduce the expense of full-time nursery school.
To my surprise and before I had chance to answer, my SIL stepped in to say,"No,that's too much to ask because there will be other times when we will need Granny's help eg when GD ill."
How right he was... head colds, eye infections, rashes and nursery school closure for staff training days etc.
So I VOLUNTEERED to step into the breach when necessary in addition to evening baby-sitting and having GC at my just for fun or taking her out for the day.
When baby No.2 arrived I helped until a slot at nursery school opened up.
The children benefited enormously from consistent care provided by the trained staff at nursery school 5 days a week. They developed great social skills, friendships, had lots of fun outings and education which made for an easy transition to school.
I heartily agree with 2old4hotpants post.
Don't feel pushed into a corner over this. Don't bite off more than you can chew. You ain't getting any younger. I suggest you tell your daughter you feel anxious and emotional since agreeing to 2 days a week. Tell her you need to re-think it and then you would like to discuss what is the best possible arrangement for your GC and for your remaining years of retirement.
Do please let gransnetters how you get on.

Great response Bluebell. Just hope that Jackypat has enough "self worth" to start the dialogue with her daughter along the lines you suggest. But can she? An overdose of guilt ( like she is experiencing) can be symptom of low self worth, which in turn could stop her from explaining her point of view because she may not believe she has an equal right in solving this issue on her terms. If this is the case she will "steam rollered" before being able to share her views.

I look after my 13 month old grandson on Mondays and Wednesdays. I travel for about an hour and 15 minutes to get there, leaving at 7am. When my son and DIL get home at 4.45, I travel back for an hour and 15 minutes to my area, and start work for the evening. On the days when I'm not looking after DGS, I work all day and evening.I'm 62. Yes, it's exhausting, but my son and DIL couldn't manage financially otherwise, as childcare is so expensive. I love being such a close part of my grandson's life, and I know it will get easier as he gets older and doesn't need to be carried around so much. He is a golden light in my life, and is making these 'later years' of my life a joy!

Granby you are so lucky to be in such good health to be able to do all this ! However not many of us could manage to drive , look after GC all day and then go to work after , you sound like some sort of superwoman .
The OP is obviously feeling that it may be too much for her as it would be for lots of older people . I would say to think very carefully before you commit to this , I could physically not do it but do have health problems , the stay over suggestion seems a good alternative if you really feel you have to do two days plus all the driving . What happens if your Daughter decides to have more children? school holidays , illness etc . It is a massive commitment x

As I have said I have done the weekly child caring and in some ways looking after a baby is easier than the toddler, pre-school requirements and all the time you are getting older. Jackypat I do wish you luck but bear in mind you have around five years pre-school ahead and as others have said what if another baby arrives, I don't want to be negative but so much relies on health and strength as well as love.

I (or often Dh and I) did one day a week once dd went back to work when Gdd was 9 months. She lives over an hour away, but luckily had room for us to stay over the night before - the journey would have taken twice as long in the early morning.

She had no. 2 just 15 months after no. 1, and will go back to work once he's a year old - because of childcare costs for 2 simply not worth her while to go back sooner.

Although we found one day with Gdd easy enough, and TBH not as tiring as I'd imagined, I am not at all as confident about 2 very little ones, especially on the days when it'd be just me.
We will very likely offer to help with childcare costs instead - they are horrendous - and probably go up on the one day a week dd is planning to have off anyway, both to see Gdcs and to help generally.

For myself, I do want to help, either physically or financially, if I can. We were so lucky in that house prices we much more affordable and I didn't have to go to work when dds were little. Yes, they are adults, and have chosen to have children, but I do feel that in many ways things are harder for parents of little ones now. My dd and son in law are not in the least extravagant or 'entitled' with regard to holidays, cars or clothes, etc., which is the complaint often made.

I dont know whether the OP is in a position to be able to offer help with childcare costs, perhaps for one day a week, instead. I know we are fortunate in that we have this option.

I had my children late in life and it looks like they are going the same way .That's if I ever have any at all. I am 66 and likely to be at least 70 if it happens .I cannot imagine looking after a child that young for a full day.And I love babies .
As it happens both my DDs live at least a two hour drive away anyway .I have made it clear we would be available for emergencies but not for regular duties We have been retired 6years (after working full time for 18years in my case ( and our lives are very full )I refuse to let anyone make me feel guilty I've seen to many friends exhausted by grandchildcare .I think we probably would /could help out financially to enable our daughter to keep a fithold on their hard won careers of they chose to return to work
I would add I worked two days a week after my DD1 was born more to keep myself sane than anything But no GP's within 120 miles .Had a childminder and a cry healthy baby

Must say I do think your age makes a difference.
If my dd had had hers 10 years previously, I'm sure I'd have had rather more energy. As it was, she left it till I was well past bus pass age - but not from choice - it's as well to find the right man first!

My sister did a lot more childcare but she was considerably younger when her grandchildren when were very small.

My dd has several friends among her former NCT group, whose parents/in laws made it clear from the outset that they were not going to provide any childcare, except perhaps in any real emergency.

I do think that the key thing is to talk this through thoroughly before committing.

Draw up a list maybe:

- only one child at a time (when she has her second)
- a gap between the days of child care to recharge batteries
- freedom to care for them in whatever way is easiest for you (e.g. if you need them to have a sleep, then you let them sleep; or if you need to stick on a DVD while you draw breath, then so be it)
- freedom to take holidays, when they must organise some other care
- say you can't do all the travelling 2 days running and this is not negotiable - then you can talk about ways round that.
- etc. - whatever applies to you.

You need to convey that you are happy to help, but be clear about what is manageable and what is not. You will then avoid conflict in the months ahead.

There is a lot of really good advice in this thread. I look after my grandchildren during the week. Both my daughter and son in law have high pressured jobs ( he is in the emergency services) , so sometimes the days are quite long. However, I moved just before retirement to live ten minutes around the corner, which is one of the keys to being able to cope.My granddaughter is at school, and my grandson at nursery in the morning, though I have cared for him since he was 14months - I will be a little sad when he starts school in September.
As a full time working single mum I missed some of the magical childhood moments - Carol concerts , sports days etc( I was a teacher) so I really appreciate them now.
I would offer two bits of advice : Do not underestimate how tired you will get ( however did I cope with four children- two wipe me out and I don't do nights!) and think about the cost involved - my daughter puts a fixed amount into my account each month for incidentals, and overpays my mortgage.
It will impact on your freedom to do other things, but they are only little for a bit. I am a little sad that my new granddaughter lives two hours away and I can't help.

I only work 2 days a week now from 8-3pm so do have more time now. From Sept I will be completely retired albeit early. I have offered from Sept to look after DGS 1 day each week except when I will be on holiday. I offered to do either Monday or Friday as then I can travel on one day and come back next. In the meanwhile I contribute a little towards his nursery fees. I would willingly travel 130 each way miles to look after him if he was ill and could not go to nursery so my daughter did not have to use her holiday to care for him. I do find the long drive a bt tiring to do all in one day but would to help my DD.

You mentioned your financial concern regarding the cost of diesel for your car.
So, IF you do decide offer childcare would not your DD and SIL reimburse you for your travelling expense?

I haven't read all of this, so someone may have already mentioned it. This really is too much chopping and changing for a young child: 3 different care-givers will cause confusion and upset (professionally I have dealt with this)

Of course we sympathise with the cost of child care - though do we really want it done on the cheap????

I agree with other posters that you should not take on too much, but I also think there is a lot more to consider. Could you sit down with the family and look at alternatives?

Without knowing individual circumstances around career progression and many other things, I don't know if your daughter could consider part-time, evening / weekend work, or taking casual work when available.