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Welcome to the *Gransnet Café. This is a non-judgemental space for you to pop in for a cuppa with some virtual friends, seek out advice for a particular problem, or share an update on your life - important or trivial. Feel free to have your say and chat about your day, but please leave any arguments at the door. If you're struggling to find someone to talk to in real life, or are simply looking for a bit of a chat, this is the place for you.


(96 Posts)
Luckylegs9 Sat 01-Dec-18 05:43:10

I dislike this run up to Christmas, for me its remembering those I love not here, especially my husband who died in a hospice at Christmas.
I see my family, not for long, just a meal and catch up with the odd friend, they think I am always cheerful and we have a lot of banter and laughs, but I just get through it until I close my door and am on my own again. No one wants someone sad around them, so I probably come over as sorted..

cornergran Sat 01-Dec-18 07:10:46

I’m so sorry luckylegs. Christmas can be such a hard time. Please come and talk here if it helps. Sending a hug and flowers.

Marelli Sat 01-Dec-18 07:30:45

Luckylegs9, living life day to day can mean lots of pretending to outsiders, can't it? Sometimes the only place you can be yourself, is by yourself, and also feel so lonely.
I'm not good either, as Christmas approaches. I try very, very hard to pull myself together, but as it gets closer to the week before, I tend to 'lose it' a bit. I think I'm the only one who remembers the date of my baby boy's birthday, so I'm kind of privately, deeply grieving and no-one seems to 'cotton-on'. After his birthday has passed, I'm more myself again.
We can laugh and banter with our pals and thoroughly enjoy ourselves at the time. These times are so very important, because that's also the 'person' we are.
Sending you a very understanding hug. 🤗 x

downtoearth Sat 01-Dec-18 09:28:11

This year will be very different,my partner of 15 years has just left me being found out having an affair and telling so many lies.
The anniversary of the death of one daughter at the beginning of November,and another jan 3rd,and finding for the first time I will alone christmas day after the plans we had made for the day where all lies and false promises.
luckylegs like you the rictus grin will be painted on and my grieving done in private,I will not share my pain and spoil it for others,I have a feeling I will get plenty of practice in the futuresad
For you * luckylegs* flowers
and for any others struggling tooflowers

MissAdventure Sat 01-Dec-18 09:37:33

I'm so sorry to hear that, downtoearth.
You've an awful lot to contend with. thanks
I'm another with no interest whatsoever in celebrating Christmas this year.
Last Christmas I was still in a state of shock after my daughter died, so it sort of carried me through.
This year the grim reality is hitting home.
Normal day to day life I can 'do', mostly, but extra good cheer?
I don't have any, I'm afraid.

downtoearth Sat 01-Dec-18 09:51:05

Like you * MissA* have always tried with christmas for the sake of my GD
who has been with me since my daughter died 15 years ago,she is hurting as well as she saw my OH as a father and he acted accordingly,her biological father is responsible for the death of my daughter,what message does this give her for her future,about mensad

downtoearth Sat 01-Dec-18 09:56:01

MissA the numbness and the feeling of not being whole becomes normal as you get used to it,I found the 2nd year harder than the first,particularly as we waited 11 months for funeral and spent 6 years in court arena for one reason or another.
Are you alone christmas day alsoflowers and a big hug

Anniebach Sat 01-Dec-18 10:19:41

I am so very sorry , so much pain x

I live alone so will not have decorations or anything to do with Christmas in my house, so many memories of lovely times , it hurts too much. I will miss going to Midnight Mass though.

MissAdventure Sat 01-Dec-18 10:23:04

I think I'm alone Christmas day, but that doesn't worry me unduly.
Its just a day, to me, and always has been.
Grandson is going to his brothers family, which is fine with me.
I have no qualms about being alone.
The day will pass quickly enough; its the grief that doesn't, isn't it?

Anniebach Sat 01-Dec-18 11:05:34

Yep, it’s the grief, if I tried to decorate a tree I would hear her laughter in my mind and ache to hear it in the house , as would all of us who are grieving for our child.

oldbatty Sat 01-Dec-18 13:17:20

Pain is pain if that makes any sense and the media, the shops everything is screaming at us to have festive fun.
I think its OK to take a deep breath and say " actually no thanks, its not for me right now"

EllanVannin Sat 01-Dec-18 13:59:39

I don't think I'd be celebrating Christmas either if I'd lost a child. In fact I know I wouldn't. It must be so difficult to ever come to terms with such a loss. My life in general would be far from normal I'm afraid.
My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered such pain. x

nanaK54 Sat 01-Dec-18 15:38:55

flowers for all finding this time of year particularly difficult

sodapop Sat 01-Dec-18 15:46:42

My thoughts and sympathy for everyone who finds Christmas hard and has lost loved ones

maddyone Sat 01-Dec-18 16:07:21

Ellen, you have expressed my thoughts exactly. I feel for all of you who are grieving for a lost child, or much loved other half, or both.
Reading your comments ladies brings home to me just how much I should count my many blessings.
flowersfor all of those for whom Christmas is a sad time.

labazs1964 Sun 02-Dec-18 09:36:08

ive lost too many at and on christmas day im lucky i have a partner now and for first time this year we shall be together we do home sitting and previous times we have been far apart so a quick phone call then alone for both of us all day and night so i sympathise sending love to you all

Slpotts53 Sun 02-Dec-18 09:50:30

I am so sorry there is so much suffering out there and cannot imagine the pain many of you are enduring. My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you all.

Coconut Sun 02-Dec-18 09:51:38

I’m still lucky enough to have all my family for Xmas and my 88 year old Mum also comes to stay. If I didn’t have them all I’d turn to friends who are also single and suggest something. I also noticed that the local “Meet Up” group, all go out for Xmas together. Some Singles holiday Companies do some lovely get togethers over Xmas both in England plus abroad. Could you consider doing something totally different like that ? I’ve always hated New Year, so this time I’m off to Italy with a Singles Co.

Nitpick48 Sun 02-Dec-18 09:54:15

My late mother-in-law lived 400 miles away from us and if she was alone Christmas Day she would cook in a homeless shelter. Occasionally she would go on a cruise with a group of singles if she’d saved enough (our present to her was money towards it if we weren’t all together over Christmas for whatever reason). And I did a Christmas/New Year singles cruise down the Nile one year after I’d split up with my husband. There were 12 of us 9 ladies and 3 men, none wanting to spend Christmas alone, and we had a ball. The oldest were 2 sisters aged 86 and 88, the youngest was 50. Christmas Day was spent at The Valley of the Kings, NYE at a Sound and Light Show at the foot of The Sphinx. I’d saved up all year and it was just the best thing ....Christmas needn’t be lonely.

MissAdventure Sun 02-Dec-18 09:58:22

My Christmas would be lonely if I was in a crowd of thousands, I'm afraid.
It really isn't about filling hours, its about filling a space where someone should be.
Not physically, but in my heart.

harrysgran Sun 02-Dec-18 10:00:58

I can't imagine the sadness when you have lost a child this time of year we are bombarded with adverts of how wonderful we should be feeling I hope it helps a little to know others are thinking of you

Oldwoman70 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:05:17

I think many of us who are alone put on a "face" for the outside world - and it is exhausting. I always find when I get home after visiting someone I am so tired and drained. Christmas just seems to make it worse as everyone appears to be having a wonderful time (of course the chances are they are not but that doesn't make the loneliness any easier)

Barbs1 Sun 02-Dec-18 10:05:19

Hi, I’ve just joined this site. I became a nan for first time last week and it’s the best feeling! However, I will be alone this Christmas Day as my son and daughter in law are going to her mums but I’m with them on Boxing Day which is fair I feel. I’d just like info on meet ups on Christmas Day maybe or details of the new year holidays you mentioned please

lovebooks Sun 02-Dec-18 10:05:47

Celebrating Christmas this year having ankle surgery. Hated all Christmases since I lost my husband five years ago.

MissAdventure Sun 02-Dec-18 10:06:02

It does, thank you.
If people actually 'get it'. smile