Anxious

I agree with maddyone, and sympathize with all who have lost family. I also have had my losses but I when I meet women with no family or children I very much count my blessings. My neighbour has had three IVF attempts and all have failed. I was a young widow and grieve for the relationship I might have had, but I have been married, there are women who would so wish for that and for children.

Well good for you.
It is ok for people who are bereaved to feel sad, you know?
We don't need to be 'jollied along'.

I'm so sorry to read here about so many losses. We lost our first baby 25 years ago and it still hurts (we weren't able to have any more). It's tempting to always put on a brave face but then we can feel upset that others are not there for us (because they don't know how we're feeling). I wonder if there's a way that you can incorporate something in the day itself to remember him by (e.g. a toast to him before you start Christmas dinner?) Maybe it's something to pre-arrange with your family? It need not be upsetting - it can be uplifting to have a public recognition of your feelings, and they will be missing him too, and may well be glad of the chance to remember him? (It occurs to me that they may want to do something but are scared of upsetting you?)

Do you find it hard to tell people how you really feel? Is it because you think it might burden them in some way? Would you feel awkward receiving their sympathy?
Why not gather your thoughts as much as possible and just blurt it out, you might find it's a welcome relief and hopefully, you'll find a clearer less lonely path going forward. People (as you know) aren't mind readers and friends will regret thinking you're happy and 'sorted'.
Honestly, it only takes a few seconds and it will be a weight off your shoulders. Friends and family will rally round and possibly be a bit cross (in a gentle way) that you kept your feelings to yourself.

My first husband died in a hospice on Dec 19 and we buried him on Dec 23. He was 44. It took me 5 years to start sending Christmas cards again. My second husband was ill for many years and his final illness (pneumonia) started at Christmas leading inexorably to his death in the following February. I have long since stopped believing in God or a hereafter. Really, Christmas is not a religious festival anyway, it is a pagan festival of excess to cheer people up at the coldest, darkest, hardest time of the year. It was already in full swing when the first Christian missionaries arrived from Europe and Ireland in the VI Century. For me, remembering that is the secret to surviving it. It's all the sentimental claptrap, turbo-charged by advertising and media, which makes us feel guilty for not being ecstatically happy. There's no getting away from it, we will always feel sad at the anniversaries of losing our loved ones, and there's no need to suppress that or pretend to others. Let's do whatever we feel like doing at this season of excess. Thinking of all who have lost loved ones at this time of year

Tennison’s ‘ Break, Break, Break’ sums it up for me

There have been many awful Christmas times in this family, for various reasons, and it is a struggle to put on the proverbial happy face. I get tense in the extreme in the lead up - we still meet up and have a meal together, and in the last few years it has been better, but Christmas raises so may spectres at the feast. This year there have been two family members and one friend, all close to me, who have died. We do it for the children - they are happy and full of joy, and afterwards I am glad we have made an effort, but what it must be like to face this season when you have lost a child I really cannot bear to think. My thoughts to all who have an aching heart.

I am in hospital. I had a heart attack and then an op and they my husband got pneumonia and is in a different hospital. Just getting home would be a bonus but both need a Care Package.

I am going to do Christmas for my DH, who died in February - it will hurt like hell, and I will be crying inside, but he would be heartbroken if he thought that I couldn't celebrate, and I want to do him proud. So this afternoon I shall write my cards, (with just my name inside), listening to the Advent choral evensong on radio 3. Next weekend DS will get the decorations down from the loft, and I shall put my tree up. Not as many decorations as last year. Then I shall wrap the presents. I am lucky enough to be going to my DD for Christmas, where DS and family will be too, and we shall drink a toast to my beloved DH and hope he's sharing in it on his cloud. He loved Christmas, (tears are streaming as I write this), and I know this is how he would want me to approach it.
We all grieve and will deal with Christmas in our own ways, but this is my way of coping. I really feel for those who simply find it all too much and cannot cope, and send you lots of love and hugs. I hope I have not offended anyone.

Not me, sapphire.
I hope you do have a good Christmas, along with everyone else who is struggling.

On December 6th 1946, I was rushed into hospital with pneumonia which, in those days, was quite likely to be fatal. My parents were not allowed to visit but could see me through the window which did none of us any good. Oh, I got lots of presents but nothing could compensate for being away from my parents and little sisters at Christmas. Over the past 72 years, I have been afraid of being away from family at Christmas and my sons are very good about making sure that this doesn't happen. I am so lucky in having what so many have to live without: a loyal and loving family. And lucky to survive all these years!

Tempted to say, play it down for a while. It is after all, the winter solstice and commemoration of the birth of Our Lord. Nothing more. This 'run up to Christmas' and Get Ready stuff is ALL about commerce. They WANT us to feel we have to 'make Christmas wonderful'. Not true - Take it all one day at a time. - And I certainly don't mean by this to under rate anyone's sadness over past events.

Luckylegs9.Have you ever considered charity work ?I know it will not make up for your own losses and feelings but the knowledge there are others who too feel isolated and have no one can I assure you make you realise you are not as alone as you think you are.

After reading these posts I feel so blessed that despite some major ups and downs in life, I've never suffered a loss as painful as you all. Christmas has got so far out of hand these days, it's hyped into a commercial frenzy with messages of spend, spend, spend and of course everyone will be having a wonderful time! It's just not true, puts a strain on families even when there is no personal suffering involved. I've been alone for 30 years, estranged from my beloved daughter for 10, but always put on a smiley face and join in for the sake of the family. I sigh with relief when the day is over and I can have a good cry in private. My heart goes out to you all.

Luckylegs, I think you're very normal for someone in your situation. And maybe most of us secretly have some disappointment at xmas and are not quite as jolly as we try to come across. I still have my husband, but I still find xmas isn't the same as when I was a kid and my mum and dad were still alive and making a fuss of me. And if you actually lost your husband at xmas of course it's far worse for you. You're probably being extremely strong, considering! And it's soon over... Get some books or movies that you think will be very interesting, and you'll have something to both look forward to and take your mind off xmas. Or even start a new craft project that takes a lot of thinking about.

Yes, I have no family, lost my dear brother 8 years ago. What makes me feel really bad is being on my own. I could cope but feel like "billy no mates" when families next door have hoards of visitors. Other neighbour goes to her daughters.

I think they must believe I am odd.

Thinking of everyone in this situation at this time of year cannot wait for it to be over.

My heart goes out to all of you who are dreading Christmas for whatever reason, butbespecially for those of you who have lost someone.
Of course it isn’t that you’re only grieving on Christmas Day, as many of you have said - every day has its pain.
I have nothing helpful to say - especially wouldn’t try to jolly you up! - except that you’re not forgotten by your friends on GN.

That really helps, thank you.
I feel almost jolly. Ha!

I wish I could write such meaningful words as the grans who have already posted here. You have all summed up exactly how I feel. Of course I shall put on a big smile on Christmas Day, particularly for my dear Grandchildren; but my heart will be breaking for dear ones no longer here and some very close family who are going through very difficult, life changing illnesses. I do find Gransnet such a comfort.

Perhaps we should start a thread on Christmas eve, for those who are alone at Christmas?
Then we can have a good old chat and fill in the time.
Last year I watched 'escape to the country' for about 5 hours, and ate lots of crisps. Ho! Ho! Ho!

yes,it's a difficult time.I lost my husband in May,but he was in a care home,so I'm not really a proper widow.But I saw him at least 5 days a week,we would watch a dvd on a Sunday afternnon.I've just been out to get Mamma Mia 2,and I'm going to watch it,we often watched the first one.In a way,we were closer than some couples that I know who are together at home.I'm fed up trying to pertend that I'm over it completely now.

should say pretend

I can't bring myself to put my family out to get me to join in their festivities. Christmas is the time for remembering and I find it very hard to put on a good face after 10 very difficult years since my husband died - just let me be - ok, sad and lonely but it's no different to any other time - apart from the hope that there's some peace and goodwill on earth!

Noreen
I'm sure you'll enjoy the film.
Even I enjoyed it, and I couldn't stand the first one!

I feel the same as you, hippie.
One day is much the same as the rest.
Just something to be got through, really.