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jo cox loneliness

Why can't they cope?

(110 Posts)
paganqueen Sat 15-Dec-18 16:01:26

I am struggling to find sympathy for my AD. She has one 18 month old son but she constantly moans that her partner doesn't do anything/enough to help her. She is a stay at home mum and her partner works. I have him once a week. She was moaning today that she went out with her friends on Thursday night and her son slept the whole time she was out but when her partner went out last night her son was awake until 10pm and that's not fair because she didn't get her "Me time". I just keep thinking, when I was your age I had 2 kids under 4 and a husband who did 12 hour shift work, I never went out and when I had 4 kids, the youngest was 2 weeks old when my husband went away to work for 3 months, only coming home at the weekend. My baby was ill, passing blood and I had to take 3 kids to and from school, walking, and look after a sick baby all day and night all alone. Why can't they cope these days? I just don't know what to say to her when she whines on about how bad it is. I want to tell her to get over it but I have to be supportive.

lemongrove Sat 15-Dec-18 16:03:45

Withdraw some of the support....how will they ever become adults otherwise?

dragonfly46 Sat 15-Dec-18 16:11:00

The young adults these days do seem to have higher expectations than we had.

I moved to Holland when our daughter was 4 months old. I knew no-one, did not speak the language and my husband had a taxing job. I had no car and no telephone so I bought a bike and I just got on with it.

Were we made of sterner stuff. I am not sure but as far as I see they have it easy these days but want more. It can be lonely and hard work with a young baby but it doesn't last long and it is a pity she is not enjoying him as she should. She is very lucky to have one day off a week when you look after him.

paganqueen Sat 15-Dec-18 16:20:53

She goes to university one day a week while I have dg. She has an active social life with DG so is never at home during the day, she often pops in here too. I can't even drive so never had that luxury, we had to walk everywhere. Her partner moans that she gets to spend all day with him while he's at work and he misses out on a lot of things. They seem to be fighting over who has it easiest all the time.

Lynne59 Sat 15-Dec-18 16:40:12

The younger generation wants it all - babies, a nice home, holidays, days out, the latest mobile 'phones, etc., etc. I'm 59 and stayed at home with my 2 sons whilst my husband worked long hours. We had a mortgage (council mortgage so no deposit), and it was a struggle. We never went out anywhere without the boys.

TELL your daughter to stop whining. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have what she's got.

jenpax Sat 15-Dec-18 16:44:02

I know what you mean. One of my AC grumbles about having to take her children around without a car during the day (partner takes it to work) and generally about how hard and relentless looking after children is! She was angry earlier this year that I was not around to help because I am recovering from a serious illness!
However they have had bags of support from both families, that we didn’t have,and further more we didn’t expect it!
My DH and I were not able to go out without the children in the evening until they reached their teen years!
My father was ill when I had the older two, so that my mother stated firmly that they could not cope with baby sitting of any kind. I am an only child so no helpful siblings! and both parents were only children too, so ditto aunts and uncles.DH’s step mother hated children,so no offers of baby sitting from that quarter! and his mum lived too far away!
Still we just got on with things; and if we really wanted to do something in the evening (like the open air Shakespeare) we either had to go solo or bring the kids!

paganqueen Sat 15-Dec-18 16:45:59

What really amazes me is she worked in a nursery for 8 years so knows how to take care of 20 children at a time. I have to give her some credit though, she has Aspergers syndrome and has coped with adult life really well, it's just the moaning over who does more for the child. They bicker like kids.

JudiDrench Sat 15-Dec-18 17:02:29

Has she spoken to her partner to agree what tasks to share?

EllanVannin Sat 15-Dec-18 17:09:31

Whatever happens these young mums must have " their " time. What ? It's this selfish and self-centred society that we live in.
If all they can think of is time to themselves then they clearly shouldn't become parents until they're 40 !

Izabella Sat 15-Dec-18 17:11:43

I saw this first hand yesterday when out with friends. A long arranged evening we had all been looking forward to and a phone call to our friends as soon as we got there. Some really minor household (and I mean minor) annoyance seemed to have resulted in a meltdown with a hysterical DD that spoiled the rest of the evening. I actually questioned why a grown woman would need to phone her mother for some trivial incident.

So yes, I really wonder about the coping. Is it learned behaviour? Why can't so many learn to stand on their own feet? Or is it just me?

JudiDrench Sat 15-Dec-18 17:19:09

Rather than AD and her partner bickering, they really need to agree to share out tasks in a non-accusatory way.

Anniebach Sat 15-Dec-18 17:29:35

We brought our children up

paddyann Sat 15-Dec-18 17:30:58

I have a young friend who tried for a baby for years ,had a miscarriage and tried for another year before her son was born.She constantly complains about him on FB ,it irritates me beyond belief.I dont understand what she thought having a baby would be like ,obviously not the nappy changes the night feeds and the constant changes of clothes for both mother and child when they puke up their feeds .You would think she would be delighted she finally had the baby she kept saying she was desperate for !

dragonfly46 Sat 15-Dec-18 17:34:30

My children were my life and as Annie says we brought them up together. I loved walking for miles with both in the pram, feeding the ducks and even shopping. I used to put one on the back of the bike and one on the front - taking them to the swimming baths and the beach. I would say those were the best years of my life.

paddyann Sat 15-Dec-18 17:37:36

Not always our fault Annie outside influences are very strong .When my D had post natal depression we were asked to attend with her to her psych appointment.
Of course we instantly thought we were about to be told we'd made millions of mistakes in her upbringing.Not at all ,the lovely doctor told us that opinions had changed about how much influence parents and upbringing had on young people and no longer attributed all problems to their families.

In fact she said after talking to us she thought we were pretty perfect parents on the whiole.Now thats not something I would ever claim to be but it was nice to hear I hadn't made a total pigs ear of it as I sometimes suspected I did .My daughter is now what I would call a pretty perfect parent,she has a fantastic relationship with her teenager and younger girls despite her constant pain and chronic ill health.

Anniebach Sat 15-Dec-18 17:40:00

And same for me dragonfly. But I meant the daughters being critcised here are the daughters we brought up.

Iam64 Sat 15-Dec-18 18:40:49

Another thread where people pile in to do the three Yorkshire men (women) sketch about how tough it was for us and how "the young" don't know how lucky they are.

Every generation has its own challenges. I don't believe it helps us or our adult children, to suggest they're all hopeless winghers, whilst we were as paddynan puts it "pretty perfect parents on the whole"

Looking around the young parents I know, they're good parents, they're child focussed, very aware their children's needs and of developmental milestones. They have similar problems to those my friendship group faced. They have more material stuff and work hard for it.

As Anniebach says, these are the daughters we brought up. We may not be responsible for all their emotional or psychological difficulties but I'm not comfortable with sweeping generalisations about what a lot of moaning Minnies they are.

We lived in a cardboard box......

MissAdventure Sat 15-Dec-18 18:55:25

I suppose if parents are happy to spend their evening out dealing with grown up childrens 'problems' then there is the answer as to why the children can't cope.
My daughter wouldn't have dreamed of disturbing me, just as I wouldn't disturb her.

MissAdventure Sat 15-Dec-18 18:56:05

P.S I lived in a baked bean can..

silverlining48 Sat 15-Dec-18 18:59:42

We managed without practical or financial help from parents. It was neither offered nor expected, we got on with things and any complaints how hard things were would have been given short shrift
When we were young our little houses were not worth a fortune, but were a heavily mortgaged burden round our necks with over 16% mortgage rate. Given time when they are older , and they have paid off a few more years it will be the same for them.

Our children have in the main had the benefit of higher or further education, many have travelled widely throughout the world during gap years etc, they have been so lucky.
I was of the generation who left school and started full time work at 15 and just wish I had had their opportunities and the money to travel to the places my children have seen and i never will. So i struggle a bit to see why they have quite so much to complain about. Maybe it’s our fault, we have been turned into bank of mum and dad, we have willingly helped our children with money and time and that leads to high expectations.

Anniebach Sat 15-Dec-18 19:02:21

paddyanne, no parent is responsible for their daughters post natal depression.

oldbatty Sat 15-Dec-18 19:09:29

Miss A , was it Heinz or own brand ( just askin)

Pythagorus Sat 15-Dec-18 19:35:53

Basically we have all spoiled our children and pandered to their every whim. They have the same expectations now! We reap what we sow!

As children and young people, we had nothing. We expect nothing and we just got on with it.

My parents and my husbands parents did absolutely nothing for us. The good thing about that was that there was no interference either!

It’s just changing times. Different generations!

M0nica Sat 15-Dec-18 20:11:28

I was born during the war. My father was posted to India for 3 years just before my sister was born. DM coped with 2 children, with very little help at all while he was away.

DH had a job that took him all over the world, mainly to out of the way places, some rather dodgy, usually at very short notice and for uncertain lengths of time. Neither parents or PiL, lived anywhere close. I managed. In fact I prided myself on being able to manage on my own and certainly never felt sorry for myself or hard done by.

DS and family have managed also. We live 200 miles away and are only of use in extended emergencies, DDiL's mother is in her 80s, fit, but naturally limited in how much help she can offer. They have managed, despite DDiL having health problems.

I think if parents offered less help young people today would manage as well after a few months of moaning and groaning.

If young adults are snowflakes, it is probably because of the way their parents have coddled them through out their lives.

lemongrove Sat 15-Dec-18 22:18:42

You ‘ad a baked bean tin!? We ‘ad to make do with the cardboard thing inside a roilet roll MissA tchgrin