Why can't they cope?

DD loves to tell how we were so poor she had a piece of elastic with different coloured cotton reel middles strung across her pram to play with.
I thought I was being rather inventive!

We had a match box, a bit of a squeeze with all 5 of us ..Not forgetting the cat of course, but we managed and always thankful for the retractable roof when it rained.
We woz tuff then.

Well my lot and their friends generally just crack on with their jobs and children without complaining, and with a lot more patience and good humour than I remember having! I had three under 4, and loved being at home with them, but I certainly did my share of moaning as well. It’s tough being a parent, however much you love them and however well off you may be. And if you can’t have an occasional whinge to your mum, who can you whinge to?

Am I the only one reading this thread with a real sense of déjà vu?
Thought not!

Silver lining. A whole matchbox!

I think there is a difference between the occasional whinge and expecting help with every problem Maggiemaybe I think as a post war generation we wanted to give our children a better life, sometimes it seems we have gone too far. There is nothing wrong with raised expectations if you are prepared to work to achieve them. It seems a lot of adult children expect their parents to continue caring for them as if they were still young.

If she's at uni one day a week, I expect she has academic work to do, and needs a few consecutive hours to do it in. Is that her me-time? It's hard to sort out that kind of work around a baby's sleep, and a mother's sleep deprivation.

I think it’s a sign of the times that this sort of comment with young parents is often heard. They’re not into sacrificing anything personal for the sake of their children, it would seem. We do live in a very egocentric, almost selfish society and it can be hard for older people to make sense of it all. I find that if I can make a few comments and be tactful in the process(which isn’t that often?) it helps...me at least....otherwise I just shut up, only do the amount of babysitting that I feel is reasonable (for me) and if my thoughts get the better of me, I go to some lengths to distract myself with something I enjoy doing. My husband feels the same but he’s not an over thinker, as I think many women are and just gets on with his life! I love all my family dearly but I guess it’s just different generations...

You mention in your 3rd post that she has Aspergers? In which case, that would explain a LOT about what's going on. Aspies, generally, need routine and time to themselves (to downregulate their highly sensitive nervous systems), and so, coping with a new baby (who cannot be controlled) is going to be a huge shock. She will probably be far more anxious than even the average new Mum. So many female Aspies try to hide their differences from friends and family, but the have to have large amounts of "me" time in order to recover the energy. They also may struggle in groups where other new Mums can get support, and just not fit in? It might be a good idea to get help from a specialist Aspergers organisation (I'm assuming that you may already have had contact with one?)

paganqueen would suggest you remind your daughter that all things pass. That it's normal. And that she'll survive it.
When we were young we may have felt some of these things but certainly wouldn't have vocalised much of it, at least to our parents. We mainly wanted to appear capable - well I certainly did. Maybe she's just more honest. Some awful days stick in my mind even now - but I do feel proud to have got through them in one piece!
I suggest you agree with your daughter that some days were tough with young children but that she is strong and able and will be amazed how much strength she really has. Tell her how well she's doing and maybe she'll believe it!

Yes I have definitely noticed a change in this direction since I was a young mum. Although many of us did work, it was still "the norm" for a mother to stay home till the children went to school. We also did the night feeds etc. The idea behind it was that the breadwinner (usually the husband) therefore was rested and able to give his best performance at work, resulting in the best possible living standards for the family. I think that was good teamwork. After all, in a football team, they don't all take turns in shooting goal - they have specialised roles and each does their different job.

I recall when my brother told my parents his wife was expecting their first child, after all the congratulations my father said "Just remember a baby is a creature with a noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other"

When you mentioned the Asperger’s it turned everything on it’s head! My AS is 27 and can’t cope well with life at all, so I can’t imagine him ever coping with a relationship let alone a child. You don’t realise how lucky you area! You should have mentioned it in the beginning, she will reach adult maturity a lot later than NT’s. It’s fantastic that she has a partner and a child, AND going to Uni one day a week. My son sits in his room all day on the internet and playing video games.

I have friends whose AD rings her with the tiniest problems. Whenever we meet I can guarantee that within the hour there will be a phone call, followed by numerous texts throughout the evening. Its a co-dependency relationship. My friend needs to be needed and her AD (married with 2 kids) won't grow up. Its quite sad, but annoying when we're out with them.

Anniebach - your reaction is simplistic. If parents had that much influence on how their children turn out, they would be carbon copies of their parents! Everyone can see that is not the case. I read recently that research showed that peer influence kicks in earlier than anyone would imagine (around 7 years old, if I remember correctly). There is also media and social change: the zeitgeist if you like. Bloggers are now sometimes called Influencers - an unwholesome idea in my opinion, but there it is.
I am very thankful that my girls have turned out to be decent human beings and responsible adults but they do not think, feel or act exactly like my younger self.

I do think some young parents today seem to expect to have 'free time', date nights, etc. When my son was young we had no family around as DH was in the forces and we were away from home. We didn't have a proper night out for a very very long time. DH was sometimes away on detachments and I had to cope by myself for periods of time. But we were happy and contented. A friend commented to me a while back that her daughter who has a couple of young children, hadn't had a night out in weeks.

Lived at other end of country to both families when children born. Husband work variable hours each day often being away for nights and a couple of weeks at a time. Had 2 and a half year old then twins. No car even though able to drive. How did I cope, just got on with it. Walked everywhere as couldn't access public transport with twin pushchair in those days. Went out in the evening very rarely
Parents and PIL used to visit for a holiday, both sets were late 60s in age and certainly didn't do babysitting. The children, home etc I saw as my responsibility as how could DH do anything at least on a regular basis when he was away working most of the time. There is a lot of external influence nowadays to have a certain style of life but there always has been for each generation. Now I feel that there is though so much publicity on our Rights that being responsible for ourselves has disappeared. Yes we are the ones who reared these adults but a whole lot of others have had even more influence on their lives.

In order to get work, we lived away from both sets of parents and just had to cope.
I envied my sisters who lived near home.

I’d like to add a word of praise for my AC who copes with personal illness, a stressful job and 2 teenagers (one with Aspergers) and lives over 200 miles away. She rings up on the way home from work to chat, ask how we are and sometimes have a moan, but she says it gets it off her chest before she gets home to the teens. I don’t mind.

Perhaps its talking about the concerns that makes her feel better and that we don't need to do anything other than listen. We don't need to solve anyone else's problems.

Maybe people today just talk more about how hard it is - just the same as we are doing on this thread.

It doesn't really matter much that the things we complain about are different.

I actually feel sorry for this generation. The rise is house prices has forced women out to work whereas when I had my first son at age of 22 I automatically left work until both children went to secondary school when I took a part time job. I did not know any other mum who worked.
We had a great time- we used to walk the children in prams down to park & play tennis while they slept. We had coffee mornings etc, joined squash club, mother & baby outings. The children had all their time with Mum & grew up happy & well balanced. We socialised at weekends with our partners too & it was the happiest time of my life.
I have spent so many hours comforting young mums in the at work when they are overwhelmed by having to leave a crying child at Nursery or minder. I think this generation has it tough-I couldn't have left my babies with strangers or even with relatives. It would have broken my heart.

Sorry I’m new to this site, and very interested in everyone’s comments but what does AD mean please? Thank you

I actually believe the parents make them like this. I was never mollycoddled (loved yes) and have always been independent. I see other parents doing everything for their grown up children - i find it ridiculous to be honest. My son’s partner does everything for my 3 grandsons. They won’t eat normal food. Don’t like eggs, cheese, milk, vegetables or almost anything that isn’t loaded with sugar. At mealtimes they all have individual meals, depending on what they want and they are so overindulged materially it’s quite sickening. They have no manners and speak to their parents in the most appalling way. My son says it’s because of social media and youtube. I just find it very sad as from what i gather so many children are like this now. It’s almost as if their childhood has been taken from them and how can they not grow up to be overindulged, overgrown children?

Goodness Crafty that sou ds like a very different life to the one I lived. My husband worked long hours while I stayed home with 3 under 5's then I did an evening job while he put them to bed. My mother (now in her nineties) also worked full time when I was growing up. My sister and I regularly ame home from secondary school and set to peeling vegetables for dinner.

Tell her stop moaning and don't do as much for her or when will she ever learn.
Clearly we were tougher, I had three boys under four years of age, my husband worked away for 6 months and during that time I had to pack everything for our move to a different part of the country on my own, no problem, just got on with it (without a car) I took three on the bus frequently, walked mile and a half to village for shopping, one in the pram, one one sitting on a pram seat and the other in my hand and the shopping in the pram tray underneath the beautiful coach built Silver Cross which my father bought as a gift when our first son was born. Your daughter doesn't know she's born, perhapsd spoiled.

I don't think I could cope with being a modern parent! the demands are huge with social media, the expectations about milestones etc, constantly feeling inadequate due to far too may comparisons with others and wait till they get to school when the parents are bombarded with text messages, filling online forms about what the kids want for dinner - everything seems micromanaged! I had five children to bring up (three of mine and two step children) and we managed it somehow, plus I was running a cafe too. It was hard work but fun.