Why can't they cope?

I remember Paula Yates getting into hot water for saying much the same.
Her view was that rather than having it all, the reality, for women is 'doing it all'.

If one person works outside the home and the other inside, then they should both get equal time off. I think women were sold the “have it all” dream, which in reality meant doing all the childcare, housework and mental chores when not at work, plus working a full time job. On the whole men continued to just do the day job. Women have had to “nag” men to share the chores. Men feel they have to help their partners with the chores. Whereas actually not helping their wives with chores and babysitting, they are taking care of the household tasks and parenting.
Women are under enormous pressure due to this double standard, and even more pressure due to social media portraying a fake, airbrushed view of women’s lives - the edited highlights - so that women feel they should be living up to this impossible standard.
Not all of this applies to the original post though.

If one person is working and the other not, then I think its only fair that the at home one does the lions share of the 'at home' work.

It takes two to make a bargain and two to bring the bargain up. Both parents as far as possible should share the bringing up of their children - and that includes cooking cleaning and laundry.

It is the job of 2 people i.e. the parents.

Old fashioned I know, but is it a wife's job to look after the family if she prefers not to work? (My daughter thinks this too, and she is a career woman who made sure she was at home for her children.)

There is the importance of parenting children properly, too.

It sounds as if she's cultivating a martyr complex and I think the clue is in the whinge about "me time!"

Yeah - me!me!me! A wee bit of growing up is called for here, methinks.

Chord.

I honestly think it is social media! The baby group of 10 girls I was in all seem to have been on multiple baby free holidays, weekends away as couples, spa days. They put all these photos on social media then a few days later another member of the group will post. E.g. One girl went to a spa day, next had a spa weekend, next had weekend away in hotel with hottub. I say to my husband all the time, social media is killing our generation, money is all spent and not saved and everyone is saying 'me time' or 'mummys night off'. I have a 10 month old, except for work and a operation we haven't been apart. I can't even imagine going out spending money on alcohol (even a cheap night out is usually £30) that could be saved for family time or savings for a house!

Chord. Oops!

Sarahelenwhitney what did I say to trigger your diatribe? I have gone back to page 1 and reviewed my only post on this thread and can see nothing in it to object to so.

Supporting ones children, and coddling them are two entirely different things. The concern is that you cannot see the difference.

Good points Tartlet. We have 2 GC a boy of 6y and a girl of 2y. When the boy was born I went into a coffee shop with my daughter and her then 2 week old precious boy. Whilst waiting for the coffee I picked up a newspaper from the display and one article absolutely resonated. The journalist was saying she wanted to be a grandmother - a fun person and a much welcomed occasional extra pair of hands and not a ‘surrogate mum’. It struck a cord and I’ve always thought it good advice.

Having moved away from my home town when I got married and raised 5 children without any family support whatsoever I’m frequently astonished by the amount of family support both expected and given these days to young parents. I know how I struggled with my children at time especially on weeks my husband was away from home (one in two) but I had no option but to cope. When my children became parents I was very keen to help and provide the support I would have appreciated myself and so that’s what we’ve done. Both practical and financial support. And now with grandchildren who are starting families.

But we were only talking the other night about this and we think we may have provided too much support instead of encouraging them (by not being as eager to offer help) to stand on their own feet and I’ve decided to gradually and I hope gently reduce the amount of support I provide. I’ve already said no to some unexpected childminding when simply rearranging something was an easy fix. And I’ll start asking the ‘is there some reason you can’t do that yourself’ question more if I’m asked to make phone calls or write emails because ‘you’re better at it’. Given the chance to do it all over again I would still provide support but be much more aware of the risk of generating ongoing dependency into our old age.

The other thing I wanted to say, while also acknowledging that Aspergers needs to be taken into account, that I’ve seen quite a lot of what I can only call resentment from young parents about having to care for their children themselves. I believe this is one of the main reasons for arguments between parents about who should what and who does most, sometimes at the expense of the child’s well being. I find it difficult to understand even allowing for the difference in societal norms norms.

I would be exactly the same as you, paganqueen.
I'm of the 'you made your bed' camp.
As far as I'm concerned, that is how children are taught.
When they're small we learn to say "up you get, you're ok!" instead of carrying them in case they fall, and that is how they learn.
Just the same as when they're older, they don't learn if they're constantly bailed out at the slightest hiccup.

There are a lot of people insinuating that I am saying "oh I had it so much worse that my daughter. " OK I didn't live in a cardboard box, bean can or matchbox. I lived in a 3 bedroom house with a 100% mortgage with one income of £1000 a month, the interest rate was at the highest level, we paid £900 a month for our mortgage. We were so broke one month we had to do a boot fair with a 2 month old baby strapped to my chest, to sell our belongings just to afford food. We lived off beans on toast and a chicken did 3 meals. I had 4 children, yes I chose to have 4 children but I didn't choose to have 2 with autism. My son never went to school because he was too violent, I had to restrain him and stand between him and my 3 daughters while he threw chairs at them. So yes I had it hard, but you know what, I loved every minute of it. I wanted to be with my children, I hated it when they went back to school after the summer holidays and I have never, not even when we first met, been to a restaurant with my husband because I already had a child whose father I left because he beat me, we still can't go out because we have an 18 year old who can't be left alone. I chose to look after my children myself and not have babysitters because I couldn't trust anyone after my eldest daughter was sexually abused at 2 years old by a 12 year old girl she was playing with. So please don't insinuate that I didn't have it hard. I had no help from any parents, my mother didn't want myself and my siblings let alone look after my children.
Yes my daughter has Aspergers and yes I am very proud of her for working in a nursery for 8 years and having a life with her partner and a child. I didn't say I wasn't, I actually said I find it hard to sympathise with her when she moans about trivial things like not having me time or her partner having a better night staying in with their son than she did. I just find it hard to understand her problems.

I think the difference for today's parents is that they both have to work full time due to high housing costs. When I had my kids in the 90s it was assumed mum stopped at home for maternity leave and possibly then went back to work part time. And so could do the lions share of childcare and housework. My dd has a 1 year old works fulltime shifts as does her partner. Because they have a big mortgage and she has student loan to repay. They have less time and energy as a family than I did. I feel sorry for the younger generation

@Ironmaiden My daughter does have aspergers but she has had a job with children for 8 years, she copes very well with her issues and is much more capable than my son, also an aspie, who like your son sit's in the corner of our lounge playing computer games all day, he's 18 and never went to school as he couldn't cope. A boy and girl Aspie are very different people, believe me.

We lived in a shoe !!!
Hold on there’s a rhyme about that

She probably only complains to you because you are closest to her.

I agree with nemosmum. The OP did say that her daughter is Asperger. That must make a huge difference. Until we have walked in other’s shoes, we shouldn’t judge.

I think it’s the internet that bombards young people now with fantastic fantasy lives of being able to have it all and being entitled to have it all. Young women’s expectations are much much higher than ours were. Also my parents and parents in law were of the attitude we have done our childcare days so don’t ask. My kids never stopped the night at grans where I have my greandchildren at least overnight once a month at least.

Also I was a sahm with a dh who worked away so had to just get on with it. I had 3 under 5 at old point.

I have to say my AC are very greatful for any help and certainly not entitled.

I preferred my world to this one though. Fun playgroups run by mums, no ofsted nonsense so far less stress in schools and affordable houses with 100% mortgages.

And no bloody Brexit

I think lots of them do, NemosMum. The picture being painted on here of whining, entitled young mums certainly doesn’t match the ones I know.

My mother was of the ' you made your bed ' school of thought sarahellen it was hard at the time but I did get on with things unaided. However I'm not sure the long term effects were good as I find it difficult to empathise and be supportive at times.
Our children have things easier in some ways but I think their lives are much more stressful. Worry about job security, cost of housing , expectations arising from social media.
It's a different world.

Honestly! The lass has Asperger's - only dropped in at OP's third contribution to the thread! That is why she needs time to herself, and very likely why she constantly complains. I know it can get tedious listening to it, but it's not unexpected. Lots of young parents might well feel 'entitled' and be undeserving, but I think this one needs to be cut a bit of slack!

Too much of everything for too little effort.