Why can't they cope?

I have a friend with 4 adult daughters, who is constantly checking her phone for messages from them. Asking for advice on trivial day to day questions. They all have degrees and responsible jobs. She loves it, the rest of us roll our eyes in despair.

My friends son is a policeman and seems to spend most of his day texting and ringing her.
The mind boggles.

I agree with Iam64 Each generation has its own issues to deal with. Bringing up children is hard. It was hard in our day and it's hard now. I am happy I can give my daughter the help I didn't have when my children were young and I think she is a much better parent than I ever was, more patient ,more informed and super caring.

I’ll give you an example of what is a really difficult situation. My daughter has MS and a young child. She never complains is very happy and appreciative of what we do to care for her and her child

Barbs1, AD is adult daughter. There is a list of acronyms/initials at the top of the page. Not sure if AD is on there. Welcom!

I don't think the parents of today are as willing to put up with things the way we did.
I mentioned that a lady I knew had numerous children and lived in a tiny house and they managed to turn out just fine. A young parent responded that she would not live in such a tiny house and definitely not with that number of children. This young woman wanted a 4 bed detached and nothing else would do. She is still living with that dream.
The young people want bigger houses and are not prepared to start small. They don't want to start with n older car they want new or almost new. A lot of families seem to have everything but actually nothing because it is all on credit and they are struggling to pay.
Both have to work and that does not make them any happier. They moan about aspects of that.
They also see nothing wrong with expecting handouts from parents and actively try to get "inheritance in advance" They expect grandparents to babysit whenever they wish whether or not the Grandparents have other things like medical appointments or even just social plans.
If all this is not complied with the next threat is NC.
What a way to live.

Paddyann your discovery that parents are not to blame reminds me of the wonderful family therapist we were assigned to when one of my ACs was being treated for an eating disorder.
Exasperated one day he looked me in the eye and said "Read my lips. IT'S. NOT. YOUR. FAULT!"

I used to live in a shoebox

It is a coincidence that I was only speaking to my best friend this week about how ‘entitled’ our children/their partners are and is it because we are control freaks. Young people want everything ‘now’. She said although we are both control freaks it is not just us and that it seems to be a trend now to over protect our children to the point of running their lives. Instead of saying ‘You had them get on with it’ as my father would’ve said to me; we step in with financial assistance, childcare, doing their paperwork, impersonating them so they don’t have to be troubled in their work day with phone calls to set up insurance or whatever and much more. We worry that if they can’t cope they’ve got a disorder we have to put a name on (yes I do know some disorders are very serious and some do suffer dreadfully). If we don’t blame it on something we beat ourselves up that we are bad parents. Putting a name on it means they/we couldn’t help it.

Every parent wants ‘better’ for their children but I think it’s gone too far and some parents are causing damage by not letting them stand on their own too feet. I am guilty of this I know so I’m not criticising btw. And it’s difficult to suddenly pop up with some tough love if they’re not used to it. I’ve lost count of the times I have said to my children ‘what WILL you do when we’re not around’.

I adored my father but he was a very strict, almost cruel at times, parent. But I thank him now for the self sufficiency I had from a young age (and my good posture. If he caught me slouching he would wrench my shoulders back!). He instilled a good work ethic (he would tip my mattress up so I fell on the floor if I didn’t get up!) and would run his finger over the top of the door to check for dust if he saw us loafing around when he got in from work. He was raised in a very strict household of 8 children and although I’m sure my grandmother loved them all she used to beat them with a broom! And watched them go off to war. That must have been hell. One of my uncles didn't come back in one piece. Apart from some exceptions, we do seem to be raising a generation of late maturers who ‘want it all’. We are so frightened something will happen if we don't step in. When I think of the freedom I had. The pendulum needs to swing back a little bit in the other direction perhaps. Although not quite as far as beating them with a broom

Hi all this is my first post on here i think this generation of mothers can be a bit lazy at times and seem to lack the get up and go that i had while raising my four children.i love my grandchildren they mean the world to me,but i regularly have them so their parents can go shopping,so they can give the house a good clean or have one of them so they dont have to take them down the school to pick up their older sibling! This is all inbetween my part time job!I had 4 under the age of 5 and i had no help i just had to crack on and get on with it.dare i say it? But i think this generation of mothers have it far easier now.

I think Breeze hit the nail on the head that young people have a sense of entitlement these days.

When i used to take out my baby in pram or pushchair I was very careful where I went and apologised often for being in the way. These days I have been actively rammed by young women who feel they are entitled to a) have as many children as they want, b) take then anywhere they want, c) allow them to make as much noise as they want even if it affects people around them. I could go on but as Annie says we are the parents who brought these children up.

When I was at school and I misbehaved, which was often, I would not dare go home and tell my dad. When I was a teacher and I chastised a child for doing something wrong I would have the parent marching up to the school to complain about my behaviour.

Lesley4357

I totally agree with you. I have a lovely friend who is just the same with her married with two children daughter. She is also like it with her cohabiting with two children son. Constantly texting and phoning each other. I have known her get out of bed at 2am and drive 400 miles to son when his car broke down and once when daughter was in another city 150 miles away and her boyfriend (now husband) had had an argument with his parents she called mum and at 1.00am she got out of bed and drove there and back. There are so many incidents of her getting calls over the most trivial nonsense. Even on holiday she is constantly on the phone to her grown up children. As you say, it’s co dependency and both sides feed off it.

"Me time" !!!!! - certainly not a concept when I was young and bringing up a family.

But every generation has its different challenges I guess.

When my younger daughter was 3 months old my husband took a new job 100 miles away and so we moved to a new area. I missed the support of my MIL. My own parents lived abroad at the time.

I can remember feeling lonelier than I ever had before then. We had very little money and it was very hard on my own with two small children. What I missed most of all was the emotional support.

When I look back on those years it is all a sort of blur, like the dark ages.

My own daughter has 4 children and a lot of help. She expects to have a date night at least once a week. They also go away for weekends on their own frequently. They have at least one holiday abroad on their own every year. This is what she expects and this is what she gets. There is still a lot of moaning about the burden of child care.

I think there are too main differences between when we were young parents and our children's generation.

Most of us women had experience as baby sitters, or big sisters to younger sisters and brothers before we grew up and had our own babies. Nowadays a lot of young parents have literally no idea of the amount of work looking after a baby entails.

Our generation hadn't invented "me time" - any wife or mother who complained about not having time for herself would have been regarded either as incredibly selfish or as a bad manager.

Anyone else hearing echoes of mother or mother-in-law saying "If you planned your week properly, you would have time to do everything". I can hear my grandmother telling my mother that if she did the mending every Saturday night, it would always be manageable!

I don't think there is really anything, OP, that you can do about the moaning and groaning, because pointing out the realities of parenting won't make you popular.

Todays parents have totally different expectations and I don't think that media has helped at all. They seem to feel that they can and should have it all instantly!
Bringing up children is never easy - even though some seem to expect it to be so! I was lucky that when my son was little (my marriage broke up when he was 10 months old and I had to return from Australia with him) my mum used to push me out the door every Monday afternoon so I could go into town on my own - she did similar for all her grandchildren, having them to stay at weekends etc.
After losing 2 babies before him, with stillbirth and miscarriage, I was just so thankful he was here that I never thought about "me time" so really don't understand the concept at all! You can only be supportive, that's all I guess.

My own daughter has 4 children and a lot of help. She expects to have a date night at least once a week. They also go away for weekends on their own frequently. They have at least one holiday abroad on their own every year. This is what she expects and this is what she gets. - wowee!!!!

I had my first baby when living in Germany. It was sink or swim because I had no family to fall back on. Hubby worked full time, and didn't consider helping in any way. He never changed a nappy for either of the children. Babies were women's work. We didn't have holidays and had one car between us, which of course he took to work.

I cannot understand parents who want to have holidays without the children. We used to go camping every year in France, it wasn't too far from Holland, for three weeks and it was an absolute joy to be together as a family.
I had never heard of date night!

I think one big difference is that increasingly women are having several years of independent living and freedom of choice - and "me time" before the children arrive, making it more of a wrench when they find themselves constrained. In my youth the pattern was that you were a financially constrained teen, then immediately went to being a financially struggling young mum, then when the kids left home you'd be in your 40s and that's when you'd have several years of gradually becoming better off and having more freedom. We didn't have those inbetween relatively affluent years like today's older parents, so we didn't feel we were giving up so much.

I was 31 when I had my first child. We had been married for 9 years when I had worked to put my husband through university. We then had to wait for a couple of years to conceive so had quite an affluent life style with time for myself but I was more than happy to give all this up when I had children.
I think general attitudes have changed.

Maybe you could just gently point out that he has been working all day when when he looks after the child and try to change the subject when she starts to moan. It can get to be a habit and a difficult one to get out of, probably harder with Asperger's.
Would she withdraw contact if you didn't agree with the moans? I think in any relationship people have to be able to occasionally disagree as long as they don't do it harshly or make it sound like a personal insult but it can be difficult.

My dh worked long hours I had two young children, it was tough but we managed. My mum bless her had arthritis she suffered very much. I had to get on with it.
In the 70s men didn’t do a lot in the family home anyway.

If we always agree with our AD’s then they will think they are always right, when it’s often not the case.
It’s a fine line between sympathising with them and telling them to get a grip!

I do think social media and advertising plays a huge part in this.

Adverts always show blissfully happy families, in frankly ridiculously enormous houses, with new cars, and angelic children. And although everyone knows they are not real life, I think it drip drip drips into the mind that "this is what everyone's life should be".

For the most part, people post the good part of their lives only - or fabricate tales of how good their lives are - and therefore everyone thinks that all their friends are living wonderful lives, and if their own situation doesn't match up, they feel as though they are failing.

I think "our generation" don't really understand the pressures and influences of social media, because we didn't have any of it. I also think a lot of us are too quick to condemn the "younger generations" because they don't have it as tough as we did and don't behave and react the way that we do/did.

Just because their tough times aren't as bad as our tough times were, doesn't mean they're not valid. No doubt the generation currently being raised by our own sons and daughters will also have their problems, which our offspring will roll their eyes at.

My daughter gets or rather got, plenty of support from us. She has 3 children (their choice) and a husband who works two jobs. She has been doing a part time job (every other week 9.30 to 1.30). We've always been supportive - childminding the occasional weekend to give them a break, baby sitting and helping with ferrying them back and forth for swimming lessons. Financial support when we thought they might need it. However a few weeks ago the straw that broke the camel's back happened.

We went to help with their bathroom renovations. My OH (not her Dad incidentally) was in the bathroom from 10:30am all day cutting out old mastic remasticking and regrouting. While DD took youngest to Football I helped eldest GS with homework, then took their dog for a walk. Came back and cleaned the house. DD comes back eventually and I went to buy some bits for lunch which her OH prepared. She was very down and I know, like myself, suffers from clinical depression. Lots of tears and 'can't cope' moments. Finally got home and next day we see on FB pictures (posted by her elder half sister), DD having a whale of a time with drink in hand having gone out at 2..30 the next day while her OH struggling to cope with three children. They have this ridiculous idea that 'well the children have fathers why shouldn't they do their bit'. This half sister has been a constant bad influence on my DD throughout her life. I do regret not moving away to put some miles between them.

So we have a sort of stand off as we have now withdrawn all support as to be honest we feel cross and used. I brought up my two children as a single parent and not once would I dream of having this ridiculous 'me time' they go on about these days. I can only come to the conclusion that they are a selfish generation with only thoughts of their own entitlement.