Why can't they cope?

paganqueen would suggest you remind your daughter that all things pass. That it's normal. And that she'll survive it.
When we were young we may have felt some of these things but certainly wouldn't have vocalised much of it, at least to our parents. We mainly wanted to appear capable - well I certainly did. Maybe she's just more honest. Some awful days stick in my mind even now - but I do feel proud to have got through them in one piece!
I suggest you agree with your daughter that some days were tough with young children but that she is strong and able and will be amazed how much strength she really has. Tell her how well she's doing and maybe she'll believe it!

You mention in your 3rd post that she has Aspergers? In which case, that would explain a LOT about what's going on. Aspies, generally, need routine and time to themselves (to downregulate their highly sensitive nervous systems), and so, coping with a new baby (who cannot be controlled) is going to be a huge shock. She will probably be far more anxious than even the average new Mum. So many female Aspies try to hide their differences from friends and family, but the have to have large amounts of "me" time in order to recover the energy. They also may struggle in groups where other new Mums can get support, and just not fit in? It might be a good idea to get help from a specialist Aspergers organisation (I'm assuming that you may already have had contact with one?)

I think it’s a sign of the times that this sort of comment with young parents is often heard. They’re not into sacrificing anything personal for the sake of their children, it would seem. We do live in a very egocentric, almost selfish society and it can be hard for older people to make sense of it all. I find that if I can make a few comments and be tactful in the process(which isn’t that often?) it helps...me at least....otherwise I just shut up, only do the amount of babysitting that I feel is reasonable (for me) and if my thoughts get the better of me, I go to some lengths to distract myself with something I enjoy doing. My husband feels the same but he’s not an over thinker, as I think many women are and just gets on with his life! I love all my family dearly but I guess it’s just different generations...

If she's at uni one day a week, I expect she has academic work to do, and needs a few consecutive hours to do it in. Is that her me-time? It's hard to sort out that kind of work around a baby's sleep, and a mother's sleep deprivation.

I think there is a difference between the occasional whinge and expecting help with every problem Maggiemaybe I think as a post war generation we wanted to give our children a better life, sometimes it seems we have gone too far. There is nothing wrong with raised expectations if you are prepared to work to achieve them. It seems a lot of adult children expect their parents to continue caring for them as if they were still young.

Silver lining. A whole matchbox!

Am I the only one reading this thread with a real sense of déjà vu?
Thought not!

Well my lot and their friends generally just crack on with their jobs and children without complaining, and with a lot more patience and good humour than I remember having! I had three under 4, and loved being at home with them, but I certainly did my share of moaning as well. It’s tough being a parent, however much you love them and however well off you may be. And if you can’t have an occasional whinge to your mum, who can you whinge to?

We had a match box, a bit of a squeeze with all 5 of us ..Not forgetting the cat of course, but we managed and always thankful for the retractable roof when it rained.
We woz tuff then.

DD loves to tell how we were so poor she had a piece of elastic with different coloured cotton reel middles strung across her pram to play with.
I thought I was being rather inventive!

You ‘ad a baked bean tin!? We ‘ad to make do with the cardboard thing inside a roilet roll MissA

I was born during the war. My father was posted to India for 3 years just before my sister was born. DM coped with 2 children, with very little help at all while he was away.

DH had a job that took him all over the world, mainly to out of the way places, some rather dodgy, usually at very short notice and for uncertain lengths of time. Neither parents or PiL, lived anywhere close. I managed. In fact I prided myself on being able to manage on my own and certainly never felt sorry for myself or hard done by.

DS and family have managed also. We live 200 miles away and are only of use in extended emergencies, DDiL's mother is in her 80s, fit, but naturally limited in how much help she can offer. They have managed, despite DDiL having health problems.

I think if parents offered less help young people today would manage as well after a few months of moaning and groaning.

If young adults are snowflakes, it is probably because of the way their parents have coddled them through out their lives.

Basically we have all spoiled our children and pandered to their every whim. They have the same expectations now! We reap what we sow!

As children and young people, we had nothing. We expect nothing and we just got on with it.

My parents and my husbands parents did absolutely nothing for us. The good thing about that was that there was no interference either!

It’s just changing times. Different generations!

Miss A , was it Heinz or own brand ( just askin)

paddyanne, no parent is responsible for their daughters post natal depression.

We managed without practical or financial help from parents. It was neither offered nor expected, we got on with things and any complaints how hard things were would have been given short shrift
When we were young our little houses were not worth a fortune, but were a heavily mortgaged burden round our necks with over 16% mortgage rate. Given time when they are older , and they have paid off a few more years it will be the same for them.

Our children have in the main had the benefit of higher or further education, many have travelled widely throughout the world during gap years etc, they have been so lucky.
I was of the generation who left school and started full time work at 15 and just wish I had had their opportunities and the money to travel to the places my children have seen and i never will. So i struggle a bit to see why they have quite so much to complain about. Maybe it’s our fault, we have been turned into bank of mum and dad, we have willingly helped our children with money and time and that leads to high expectations.

P.S I lived in a baked bean can..

I suppose if parents are happy to spend their evening out dealing with grown up childrens 'problems' then there is the answer as to why the children can't cope.
My daughter wouldn't have dreamed of disturbing me, just as I wouldn't disturb her.

Another thread where people pile in to do the three Yorkshire men (women) sketch about how tough it was for us and how "the young" don't know how lucky they are.

Every generation has its own challenges. I don't believe it helps us or our adult children, to suggest they're all hopeless winghers, whilst we were as paddynan puts it "pretty perfect parents on the whole"

Looking around the young parents I know, they're good parents, they're child focussed, very aware their children's needs and of developmental milestones. They have similar problems to those my friendship group faced. They have more material stuff and work hard for it.

As Anniebach says, these are the daughters we brought up. We may not be responsible for all their emotional or psychological difficulties but I'm not comfortable with sweeping generalisations about what a lot of moaning Minnies they are.

We lived in a cardboard box......

And same for me dragonfly. But I meant the daughters being critcised here are the daughters we brought up.

Not always our fault Annie outside influences are very strong .When my D had post natal depression we were asked to attend with her to her psych appointment.
Of course we instantly thought we were about to be told we'd made millions of mistakes in her upbringing.Not at all ,the lovely doctor told us that opinions had changed about how much influence parents and upbringing had on young people and no longer attributed all problems to their families.

In fact she said after talking to us she thought we were pretty perfect parents on the whiole.Now thats not something I would ever claim to be but it was nice to hear I hadn't made a total pigs ear of it as I sometimes suspected I did .My daughter is now what I would call a pretty perfect parent,she has a fantastic relationship with her teenager and younger girls despite her constant pain and chronic ill health.

My children were my life and as Annie says we brought them up together. I loved walking for miles with both in the pram, feeding the ducks and even shopping. I used to put one on the back of the bike and one on the front - taking them to the swimming baths and the beach. I would say those were the best years of my life.

I have a young friend who tried for a baby for years ,had a miscarriage and tried for another year before her son was born.She constantly complains about him on FB ,it irritates me beyond belief.I dont understand what she thought having a baby would be like ,obviously not the nappy changes the night feeds and the constant changes of clothes for both mother and child when they puke up their feeds .You would think she would be delighted she finally had the baby she kept saying she was desperate for !

We brought our children up

Rather than AD and her partner bickering, they really need to agree to share out tasks in a non-accusatory way.