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Decision to move away

(29 Posts)
Nana9 Fri 10-Jan-20 01:18:30

We have 6 beautiful grandchildren where we currently live. Ages 5-12. So many happy memories. In the past year we decided to follow one of our dreams to live near the mountains in another state about 1000 miles away. We are 61 and 62. Active and line hiking and cycling. We also have a child in that City with 3 children. Those are she's infant to 4 years old.
I'm a retired nurse, my husband does not want to retire so we decided we would live where we love to vacation and vacation throughout the year with the family we are leaving behind.
We knew the kids here would not be happy about that, but our oldest is really angry and sad. I would love some tips on how to support her but also help her understand this is something we have always wanted to do.

hondagirl Fri 10-Jan-20 04:07:05

I's a difficult one. Children think they have the right to move where they want but the same doesn't apply to their parents. Ask her what she would do if her dream job/lifestyle opportunity came up somewhere which meant her moving away. She may be mourning the loss of the family home which she maybe sees as the centre of the family. You need to do what suits you now while you can.

rosecarmel Fri 10-Jan-20 04:56:27

She might have been dreading the arrival of this day for some time, so give her enough space to be disappointed- I mean if it's something you've always wanted to do it must have come up in discussion- But if it never was mentioned its probably come as a bit of a shock- We've all been surprised by life from time to time so just provide her with the same support you received and appreciated when life surprised you-

lavenderzen Fri 10-Jan-20 10:18:16

I understand Nana9 how you feel. I moved only 10 miles from DD1 (many years ago I might add) but she was horrified that I was doing that and said she felt as if I was deserting her. We did get over it and in actual fact she moved and lives many miles from me now. We are just as close as we ever were despite the miles.

It is so hard with your children, we know we have to let them "fly" but they will always be our children and we always be their parents. Talk to her and reassure her you will always be there for her, you will talk often and travel to see each other. She will get used to it just needs time.

Best wishes to you all.

Eloethan Fri 10-Jan-20 13:58:41

I do understand the lure of moving to somewhere much more attractive. I'm not sure what country you live in - possibly the USA where people are much more willing and used to travelling long distances. Personally, I like to be fairly near my children and grandchildren, especially when they're young, so it wouldn't appeal to me to be that far away.

However, if you think moving to a lovely area would compensate for not seeing your family so often, go for it. It's your decision, not your children's. As someone else said, children don't always take account of their parents' wishes with regard to these sorts of issues.

Tangerine Fri 10-Jan-20 15:17:26

Your daughter is entitled to move where she wants so she should not try to dictate where you and your husband live.

Perhaps she will get used to the idea. People sometimes react poorly to a new idea through shock.

Nana9 Fri 10-Jan-20 15:21:25

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I know when our son and his family lived in Singapore, Ireland and Australia,
We had much better communication bc we PLANNED it. I so hope this will be true again.

ReadyMeals Sat 11-Jan-20 09:35:50

You say how to make her understand this is something you always wanted to do. My advice is very retrospective but the best way to let anyone know something is what you always wanted to do is to let them know as soon as you know it yourself - ie years ago. Then they would grow up expecting it to happen one day and accept it better.

Humbertbear Sat 11-Jan-20 10:37:33

When my son and his family moved 10 miles away I was very upset but we soon got used to the drive. I wish they were nearer but they could be a lot further away. In any case, my experience is that once GC hit 11 you only see them in the school holidays and you can make sure you have quality time with them when you do see them.

jenpax Sat 11-Jan-20 10:51:54

I can completely relate to this! 10 years ago I moved to another town on the South Coast (for a job) and my 2 older adult children (childless at the time) were very angry!
Move on 10 years and now 6 grandchildren (between the 3 children) they have since got me to move back to be nearer to them all, and yet now there is talk of one emigrating to Australia and the other moving with their company to Scotland. It’s one law for the kids another for us 🤦🏼‍♀️

nipsmum Sat 11-Jan-20 11:56:10

I remember in 1978 when I told my Mum and Dad that we were moving 50 miles away. My Dad was devastated in tears saying he would never see his girls again. After he got used to the idea and I explained that I could be there quicker than my my sister who had lived further away for years, and took him to the new house he wasn't happier but coped with it. As another poster said the children are growing and will spend more time in school and you won't see them so much anyway. Its just the initial shock of being told something you don't want to hear.

sarahellenwhitney Sat 11-Jan-20 12:12:32

It is your life. What is to say that one or another of your family at some time will decide to relocate so will they consider you ?I doubt it. Distance is nothing with so many options where travel is concerned as to how they will be able to visit you .Go for it do what you want not what family want.

NanaandGrampy Sat 11-Jan-20 12:46:42

I totally understand your situation Nana9 .

We decided to move away from our children and 4 grandchildren about 4 years ago. When we discussed it with our daughters and our reasoning ( we couldn’t get the type of property we wanted at a price we could afford where we were all living) one daughter embraced it whole heartedly and one was beyond furious.

We were her safety net , main source of entertainment and taxi . We gave her a year to get used to it ( and whilst she got less angry I don’t think she forgave us) and then it took a year to sell the house.

Two years down the line and daughter 1 , totally gets it , loves where we live (1hr 45 mins from them) and we see more of our grandchildren for longer periods than we ever did when we lived 10 mins away.

Daughter 2 now agrees she sees why this works for us but freely admits she doesn’t like it. We see her children probably slightly less than we did when we lived round the corner but still see them often and for longer periods at a time.

We make the effort to do the drive to them often too as they work and now we don’t . But it has made our younger daughter deal with things without running to us , so that is a positive as we will not always be about to solve things.

We discussed everything with out daughters but made it plain that ‘ if not now , then when?’ Would be ‘our’ time. We have always put our family first and we felt that although it would be a wrench to move there were positives all round. Especially ally as the grandchildren get older and need less of us , we could have found ourselves rattling round our old house waiting for them to spare the time to visit.

I say do it, they will get used to the new order of things. They may not like it but life is not a rehearsal, if this makes you happy it isn’t wrong to want that .

Enjoy!!

Emelle Sat 11-Jan-20 13:38:22

We had a similar situation when we sold the family home with a view to moving 80 mile or so to be nearer to our two DDs and their families. We rented near to them for a few months but decided it wasn't for us for several reasons so decided to buy a smaller property close to where we had always lived. Neither of the DDs were happy with our decision, I suspect because the free childcare wouldn't be so readily available but we enjoyed being free to do the things we wanted to do when we wanted to do them. I feel quite strongly, that we should be able to enjoy our retirement and will help out in emergencies but don't want to be tied down by regular childcare so I agree with the sentiment that you should get on with the life you were planning for.

BradfordLass72 Sat 11-Jan-20 14:15:09

NanaandGrampy You are exactly right. Life in not a rehearsal, it's all we have.

Nothing is irrevocable, so my advice too would be to follow your dream now whilst you and DH are still young and healthy enough to get many good years from retirement.

If for any reason you need to return to your original stamping ground, that's possible too.

You can reassure your 'angry' (I suspect she is probably a bit scared too) daughter, that you love her as much as ever but she's a capable person and doing her own thing, so you feel able to do yours.

It's funny really, our children rarely see us as people with hopes and dreams of our own. We're just Mum and Dad!

And as adult children, we rarely consider the impact our actions have on our parents because we are, quite rightly, thinking of our futures and how to improve our prospects! smile

You go for it, they'll all adapt.

Hetty58 Sat 11-Jan-20 14:18:44

You have the right to live your life the way you want (and where you want). Ask your stroppy daughter how she'd like it if you sulked about her life decisions!

icanhandthemback Sat 11-Jan-20 15:09:16

I think my children have every right to move where they want to but I would never move away from them. You aren't necessarily doing anything wrong but when I had my offspring, it was to be there for them for as long as I could and I don't think I can do that from a distance.

antheacarol55 Sat 11-Jan-20 15:28:55

Good grief I cannot get my head around your daughter ,tell her it will stand her in good stead because the day will come when you and your husband are both dead and gone.
She should not be making you feel bad at living your own life.
Tell her to move nearer see what she thinks of that .

Time2 Sat 11-Jan-20 21:06:18

We moved 200 miles from my daughter and 3 grandchildren 4 years ago. At the time when we spoke about what our plans were, they were all in favour of it. However, once the deed was done, it proved to be a whole different story! We thought in this day of excellent communications, emails, mobile phones, video calls, etc. that there wouldn't be a problem. However, she says now that she only said what she thought I wanted to hear at the time, and has made life and communication between us extremely difficult ever since! She claims to have told my husband, her stepfather, that she really didn't want us to go, prior to the move, but I have severe doubts about this, one because I don't believe my husband would lie to me about something so important, and two, because at 36, being very outspoken at the best of times, and being very close emotionally, I think it highly likely that if she hated the idea, she would have told ME!

I also thought that my granddaughters, who I was very close to, would want to come and stay in the holidays and would frequently FaceTime with me, and that we could maintain a good relationship this way, but again, this wasn't to be! My daughter keeps coming up with excuses as to why they can't (read won't) visit, so any visiting that is done, is done by us, and as one of the main reasons we made the move was because my health is bad and my husband needed to give up work to care for me, I find it really hard to do the journey, but will continue for as long as I can.

I recently talked to her about the possibility of us moving back, and she made it clear that even if we did, she would only see us on her terms, and as and when it suits her, leaving us, twiddling our thumbs, living a life we don't want to, in a place we don't want to be, and short of money into the bargain, while waiting on our family in the hope they'll spare a few minutes to call in.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, do it, because it's the only time in your life that you're going to get the opportunity now. You've given your children and grandchildren support and are willing to continue to do so, but just in a different way. So while I do feel for your daughter, she has to be made to realise that now is YOUR time, and it's probably a case of now or never. As a previous poster said, maybe ask her how she would feel if you made it clear you didn't want her to live her life in the way she wanted, and made life unpleasant because of it. I do hope she doesn't prove to be as selfish as my daughter has become.

Good luck with the move, and I wish you a wonderful new life wherever YOU chose to be!

4allweknow Sat 11-Jan-20 21:39:08

My family moved miles away from me, no consultation, just their decision. I accepted it was their life, their choice. Your family should accept what you want to do, it's your life. If shoe was on other foot how would they feel. Give them time, it may just be the shock of you making such a decision.

Nana9 Sat 11-Jan-20 22:14:43

I am so grateful for all the responses! Thank you!
You expressed so much of what I've thought and felt.
My daughter and I had a good coffee time yesterday. No talk about moving. Just fun talk about her projects and of course the kids. Hopeful for many good interactions before the move... To fill her bucket, so to speak. Again, thank you for all your encouragement. We are excited. 40 years married and so so excited.

whywhywhy Sat 11-Jan-20 22:19:06

Go with your dreams. We only live once and they will get used it. X

MawB Sat 11-Jan-20 22:20:40

Did a double take to check OP was not Prince Harry gringrin

Destin Sun 12-Jan-20 02:18:20

Interesting comments. We left our grown children behind when we were in our early 50’s to go and live in another country (Bermuda). True it was a job offer that my husband accepted - and we felt that at that time in our lives it was an opportunity not to be missed. We told our son and daughter it wasn’t going to be a “forever” move - we told ourselves that we would return home if and when we had our first grandchild.

We worked hard at keeping our family as connected as possible through regular visits and weekly “catch up” telephone calls. But inevitably a lot of our previous “closeness” seeped away. Leaving them after a visit and flying back to our ‘other home’ was never a particularly happy time.

We finally came back home 16 years and four grandchildren later - just weeks before grandchild #5 put in an appearance.

We are now in our mid 70’s and I am so pleased we took the opportunity it’s to move away - and then to come back and live close to both families .....and so happy to be around our grandchildren .... we can go to their school concerts, we can cheer them on in their sporting activities. The familiar ‘family closeness’ has finally returned, and, as the years slip away, I’m aware our daughter and son are watching over us - the parental role seems to have switched and they are close by should we need them.

I think there’s a time to move away - and without question a time to live close to family, especially as we get into our 70’s and 80’s.

Hawera1 Sun 12-Jan-20 03:49:44

We moved to be close to our two sons at eldest sons request. I've been I'll since we moved. I haven't any friends here and am very lonely. We are considering moving again because our sons partner has driven a wedge between our son and us and are refusing to allow us to see our two year old adorable Grandson. So things haven't gone to.plan and we are broken hearted