Distant daughter

Chinesecrested

Have a few family events and invite her and the family. Maybe a Sunday lunch next Sunday? Ie Easter Sunday? Bbq's in the garden during the summer? It will help reconnect with her, hopefully.

Thanks, I will do this but we aren't allowed at the moment ?

Have a few family events and invite her and the family. Maybe a Sunday lunch next Sunday? Ie Easter Sunday? Bbq's in the garden during the summer? It will help reconnect with her, hopefully.

Sad but it seems to be a typical situation these days, made worse by Covid.

ReadyMeals

She probably feels you and she are in frequent contact if you're reading and commenting on each other's Facebook posts etc. I think these days valid communication isn't just direct phone calls any longer, social media is a pretty good alternative, especially since that way you can see all the photos as well. She's a long way from being like some of the adult children we hear about on here, who rarely return texts even. I think I'd advise don't mention how you've been feeling about it, in case it spoils the good relationship you have. You know if you're not doing stuff together that needs discussing, sometimes its hard to think of something to talk about to justify making an actual phone call. One idea might be playing online games together, or Facebook do something called a Watch Party where you both watch something together while in a sort of "chat" so you can talk about what you're seeing as you might if you were on the same sofa watching. Maybe include her kids as well if they are old enough

Hi, I hadn't thought of Facebook seeming like keeping in touch, I only used it if any family post something, I like all the ideas you've mentioned,I'm not very good with tech and only have an iPad but I'm sure we would be able to sort something out ?

Qwerty

I agree with you most recent post and with ChattyKathy you need to be proactive. We have two daughters and they are the same. We get on well, it's nothing personal, they are just busy and often "don't think". We get contacted quickly for childcare, brief interaction at pick ups, partly because children are then tired and squabbly. However, when we suggest meeting occasionally, we all enjoy ourselves, the GC too, and it makes it easier to suggest another outing a few weeks later. Also you get GC onside because they want to see you. Good luck.

I think that's what I'm going to do,I'm now thinking from her point of view my not wanting to be too full on might have come across as not interested or too busy maybe.I will definitely keep up the communication, I last saw them at Christmas and we did have a lovely time

She probably feels you and she are in frequent contact if you're reading and commenting on each other's Facebook posts etc. I think these days valid communication isn't just direct phone calls any longer, social media is a pretty good alternative, especially since that way you can see all the photos as well. She's a long way from being like some of the adult children we hear about on here, who rarely return texts even. I think I'd advise don't mention how you've been feeling about it, in case it spoils the good relationship you have. You know if you're not doing stuff together that needs discussing, sometimes its hard to think of something to talk about to justify making an actual phone call. One idea might be playing online games together, or Facebook do something called a Watch Party where you both watch something together while in a sort of "chat" so you can talk about what you're seeing as you might if you were on the same sofa watching. Maybe include her kids as well if they are old enough

I agree with you most recent post and with ChattyKathy you need to be proactive. We have two daughters and they are the same. We get on well, it's nothing personal, they are just busy and often "don't think". We get contacted quickly for childcare, brief interaction at pick ups, partly because children are then tired and squabbly. However, when we suggest meeting occasionally, we all enjoy ourselves, the GC too, and it makes it easier to suggest another outing a few weeks later. Also you get GC onside because they want to see you. Good luck.

2020convert

She posts on Facebook about what they've been up to

Do you add a comment to her posts? I know it’s easy to feel neglected but do hang in there, and, as I said previously don’t be afraid to show emotion by telling her you miss her. Good luck ?

Thanks for your help ? I always make a positive comment on any photos she posts. I would never want her to feel beholden to me and wouldn't ever tell her how I feel about the situation because I wouldn't want her to be upset, I've really bent over backwards trying not to be the interfering parent/ mother in law so maybe I've not done myself any favours. I'm thinking now I need to be a lot more proactive and just see what happens,I'm glad I posted though because most of the answers have been really useful. I will keep plodding on ?

crazyH

*”That’s life. We bring our children up to lead full, independent lives, they don’t owe us anything. I don’t expect anything so then I’m not disappointed.”*- from Nitpick - that sums it up

I agree they don't owe us anything,I just don't like being used and then cast aside when I'm no longer deemed useful as that is what I was feeling like. Now I have have read about others experiences I don't feel it's that unusual

ExaltedWombat

She's a young Mum. Her life revolves around supporting her child. Yes, everyone is rated by how much help they can offer! It's not about you.

Sorry I don't agree, I brought two children up and they spent time with both sets of grandparents neither of whom ever babysat, no one should be rated only by how much help they can offer. Me and my friends helped each other out when we needed to but I would never have only contacted them by rating how much help they would be to me

*”That’s life. We bring our children up to lead full, independent lives, they don’t owe us anything. I don’t expect anything so then I’m not disappointed.”*- from Nitpick - that sums it up

Ok after reading all the replies apart from one I am feeling that the take home from this is that it's more common than I thought and it's not just me, I feel reassured by everyone's advice apart from one persons and I will act on all of your good ideas. I can see some ways of contact that aren't too time consuming ,I forget about text messages being a valid form of communication as I'm not really someone who uses a phone for this purpose but I will give it a try
Thanks for the help everyone,I feel much better about the situation now ?

She posts on Facebook about what they've been up to

Do you add a comment to her posts? I know it’s easy to feel neglected but do hang in there, and, as I said previously don’t be afraid to show emotion by telling her you miss her. Good luck ?

I also have a daughter who is a lot like this. Sometimes hear nothing for ages, no replies to messages etc. I’ve learnt that often she is overwhelmed by work, or ill, or the little one (aged 3) and has just turned her phone off, or genuinely forgets ! Time passes more quickly in her world I think . If she needs me or DH she is all over us! She work hard at her relationship with her mother in law and she is ‘difficult’ but lives closer. I also have had to remember to ask how she is - sometimes I think when we get grandchildren we forget about our own child and their needs. My daughter once - lightheartedly - commented that it seemed I cared more for her son than for her. It made me wonder how that felt - not very good and I’ve made it clear some that she is my first love ! When you can try and have a heart to heart with her to see if there are any problems you are unaware of. Meanwhile you just have to keep this lines of communication open and ask about her. This year has been a horror for everyone and you have my sympathy in trying to deal with this .

2020convert

Your daughter is a busy person and so are you, She may well feel you are too busy for anything extra. The thing I’ve noted from your op is that you know how much she sees of her in laws. How do you know? Does this just come from her when you’ve asked what she’s been doing or where she’s been? If you do use text, message etc to contact her it will be easier but whatever you do, don’t give up and remember social distancing is easing so suggest she pops round or, if it’s more convenient for her, for you to pop round. Do ask her how she is herself and whether she needs any help with anything or anything getting if you’re shopping. Ask for her advice on something. Don’t be afraid to mentioned, at some point, how the social restrictions have made it difficult, but how much you miss her.

She posts on Facebook about what they've been up to

I don’t think our children care as much about us, as we do about them. I’m sure there are always exceptions.
I totally understand how you feel about the in-laws. But I’d be very careful saying anything to your daughter about it.
I was in a similar situation, no grandchildren though. I made the mistake of telling my son how I felt. Expecting him to understand and maybe having a bit of sympathy. But the opposite happened, he was furious with me. We are now estranged. I haven’t seen him for 4 years . I wish I just put up with it and not said anything.

I’d see how things are when we come out of lockdown. Things might change. Everyone has been under a lot of stress.

ReadyMeals

Lots of ideas here, but don't exclude the possibility she may simply be the sort of person who has more time for people who are the most useful to her at the time. That won't necessarily be the fault of her upbringing - kids are born with embryonic personality traits of their own. Not sure if you said her age somewhere in this thread, but my daughter grew out of her youthful selfishness, and started thinking about other people's emotional needs, while my son didn't (both now in their 40s). So it may simply be a matter of time. Does she pick up the phone to you and answer when you text? If so, there is hope

She's mid 30s ,she does answer if I call or text so that's something, I know there is basically nothing wrong with our relationship as we do get on really well apart from this situation

4allweknow

You were contacted no doubt when your DD wanted something no matter how busy she was. What's changed? Still busy but can't be bothered or you no longer have the essential commodity ie childminding. Seems your DD moves to those who can fulfill certain needs. Call her and just be upfront about why you don't have any visits to see your GS. Deep down you will know if your DDs behaviour is unsurprising or not and you may have to accept how she is in relation to you.

The change was that I couldn't babysit because of covid ?so basically was no longer useful

HannahLoisLuke

I get cross reading about adult children who only contact their parents when they want something. Being busy is not a good excuse either, they are being selfish and thoughtless. How many use their parents as free childcare without a thought about how tiring young children are and then complain if the parent doesn’t follow their rules to the letter. They should try looking after their own children for a bit!
Anyway, that’s my rant. I don’t know what to offer in the way of advice Menonan, I’m very lucky with my children. Just sending you a hug xx

Thank you for the hug ?

Natasha76

I can see that you are upset by this but what are your options here? If you tell her how this is making you feel there is a chance you will fall out with each other.
I often have a word with myself and say if you can't change a situation change your reaction to it. Its very difficult to do but does help if you can achieve it. In your circumstances I would be saying to myself I need to call my daughter to see how she is and I would concentrate on starting the conversation with "I'm calling to ask how you are and what you've been doing " try to focus on her. Feelings of being used and resentment don't get you anywhere in life but unhappy and dissatisfied whereas if you can focus on a positive aspect it can lift your mood.
For the record my daughter rings me every couple of days and my son once a month if he remembers.

Once a month would be great,I haven't heard from them since Christmas ?

JaneJudge

I would just talk to her about it? I had quite a difficult relationship with my Mum when my children were small and I honestly think it's because she used to get upset (like you are) and instead of talking to me about it she would say 'oh you see so and so more than me' etc etc and I saw it as a criticism. Weirdly now my children are older we get on really well and I want to see her and talk to her.

I think this last 12 months have been awful for people though in so many ways, so I really wouldn't take anything PERSONAL. It might be her husband is a bit domineering re his parents too, or they are as someone else suggested.

Everything will be okay

I do have to clarify she doesn't have any idea I feel like this, I would never say anything for fear of upsetting her and falling out and when we do speak I don't mention anything about how much time she spends with the in laws . They are lovely people with a big family so are very sociable so I get that,it just upsets me that I'm only contacted when I'm needed to babysit and not for anything else

GoldenAge

Menonan - did your daughter 'bubble' with her in-laws because of being geographically closer last year? If so, she has got into a routine and that's easily done when you're a busy mum with children because routine is better than no routine. The difficulty is that if she is in that routine you need to break into that and you can do that from Monday onwards - you can meet as a six and this is where you should be proactive. A phone call pointing out how hard it's been for you to cope with the distance during lockdown and how you now want to be back in her life and the lives of the gc. Good luck

No she didn't bubble up with them, they have just met for walks on days out plus face timed each other

chattykathy

Now is the ideal time to arrange a meet up in the garden, yours or hers. When you leave make another arrangement, would you like to come to me next week? etc. Try to create a habit like she has with the in laws. I believe in being proactive ?

I've done this before but she always has to check what they are doing and just doesn't get back to me so I've given up

Daisymae

Oh, you made me smile! I always hear from mine when they want something or if something is amiss. I'm currently numero Uno when it comes to troubleshooting!

It made me smile too ??

Can you text/message regularly rather than talk? I find I’m in more regular contact with my mother in law now than my own mum because MIL is prepared to use to engage in little snippets but my mum refuses to. Little and often is sometimes better than long talks if you’re busy. Sometimes we just send each other funny memes/jokes - just helps to build a sense of being connected without taking up loads of time. May help to increase communication between you and make it easier to say how you’re feeling.