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Distant daughter

(63 Posts)
Menonan Thu 25-Mar-21 21:11:02

Hi everyone,I'm new here but just wanted some advice really
My daughter who I've always got on with has grown very distant with me since she got married and had a family. She lives nearer to her in-laws than she does to me but it's about a twenty minutes drive to my house so not too far. The problem I'm basically having is that she doesn't contact me at all for a chat or anything, the only time I hear from her is if she wants me to babysit. She spends weekends with her in-laws going for days out etc but I never see her. I decided to make a real effort to keep in contact via phone so phoned her once a week for a few weeks for a chat but I missed a couple of weeks due to being ill and there was no return contact at all, if I don't make the effort I don't hear anything
I was looking after my grandson while she was at work but that stopped because of covid and I've been ill so haven't felt able to look after him. I also work and am struggling to stay fit enough for work. I was finding the childcare really hard and was actually relieved to get a break but I didn't think this would mean I wouldn't see my grandson again. I don't get to spend time with him unless I'm looking after him
I'm not sure what to do about this situation, I don't want to fall out with her but I also don't like feeling like I'm being taken for granted or used just for childcare

Soozikinzi Thu 25-Mar-21 22:45:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Soozikinzi Thu 25-Mar-21 22:51:39

I don’t have a solution but just read the post and didn’t like to just scroll by . Can you just ask her to fit a regular time in for you ? Be straight about it ? Ask if you’ve done anything to offend? Is there anyone like an auntie or sibling who can have a word ? It’s still so strange at the moment with covid I’m sure things will improve . Just hope others will be along with some good advice for you soon .

Ro60 Thu 25-Mar-21 23:38:08

A few years ago my daughter said, "You never ask me how I am" .
I realised it was probably true. I'd ask what she had been doing, etc. etc.
Hormones don't help either. Do keep contacting her & give her some leeway.
Maybe suggest a meet-up now that were nearly out of lockdown.
Its hard when our girls turn into responsible adults with their own commitments & lives.

Daisymae Fri 26-Mar-21 08:46:53

It's difficult, possibly she is so busy that she just assumes everything is ok? I wonder if there have been any major rifts - divorce - or something that had had a major impact on your relationship? Not much you can do except keep up with the regular contact and hope things improve.

ninathenana Fri 26-Mar-21 09:23:00

I empathise my daughter has moved out of this area twice and both times contact was very limited. She was working 12 hr shifts and her excuse was she didn't have time or was too tired. It could be weeks between texts and then only if she needed to ask something. I don't think it's uncommon. They lead such busy lives.
Yes, I could have rung her but never knew when she was working.
How long does it take to text. Hi mum, hope you ok.
She's now back in this area and I'm needed for child care and dad is needed for odd jobs so plenty of contact.

Menonan Fri 26-Mar-21 13:33:51

Hi everyone and thanks for the replies,lots for me to think about 😊

Menonan Fri 26-Mar-21 13:36:06

Ro60

A few years ago my daughter said, "You never ask me how I am" .
I realised it was probably true. I'd ask what she had been doing, etc. etc.
Hormones don't help either. Do keep contacting her & give her some leeway.
Maybe suggest a meet-up now that were nearly out of lockdown.
Its hard when our girls turn into responsible adults with their own commitments & lives.

I've just realised I do this too, I always ask what they've all been up to but not how she is 😟I will try it out and see what happens

Menonan Fri 26-Mar-21 13:42:36

Soozikinzi

I don’t have a solution but just read the post and didn’t like to just scroll by . Can you just ask her to fit a regular time in for you ? Be straight about it ? Ask if you’ve done anything to offend? Is there anyone like an auntie or sibling who can have a word ? It’s still so strange at the moment with covid I’m sure things will improve . Just hope others will be along with some good advice for you soon .

I have tried that but nothing happened unless I sorted it. I am sure I haven't offended her we do get on really well when we are together and she is also the type of person who would say at the time if she didn't like something. I'm sure our present situation is making things worse so I will see if things get better over the next few months

Menonan Fri 26-Mar-21 13:48:44

Daisymae

It's difficult, possibly she is so busy that she just assumes everything is ok? I wonder if there have been any major rifts - divorce - or something that had had a major impact on your relationship? Not much you can do except keep up with the regular contact and hope things improve.

She is really busy and so am I but I think what I find upsetting is she manages to find the time to FaceTime the in-laws or meet for walks etc but not for me. There hasn't been anything major happening in our lives apart from covid. I haven't been able to look after my grandson because of the restrictions so she has had to look after him herself so maybe she was annoyed about that but that's not something I could do anything about really

Menonan Fri 26-Mar-21 13:53:35

ninathenana

I empathise my daughter has moved out of this area twice and both times contact was very limited. She was working 12 hr shifts and her excuse was she didn't have time or was too tired. It could be weeks between texts and then only if she needed to ask something. I don't think it's uncommon. They lead such busy lives.
Yes, I could have rung her but never knew when she was working.
How long does it take to text. Hi mum, hope you ok.
She's now back in this area and I'm needed for child care and dad is needed for odd jobs so plenty of contact.

Exactly this situation ,she does work but part time but then has my grandson to look after. I just don't hear from her unless she needs something. When I was looking after my grandson I would only see her when she dropped him off or picked him up. I get to see them socially if it's an occasion like birthdays, mothers day or Christmas. That's why I started phoning her to keep up the contact but now I've stopped there's nothing 😟

Menonan Fri 26-Mar-21 17:06:34

The universe must be listening as my daughter text me today .....to ask if I want to babysit 🙄

Daisymae Fri 26-Mar-21 18:51:36

Oh, you made me smile! I always hear from mine when they want something or if something is amiss. I'm currently numero Uno when it comes to troubleshooting!

Ro60 Sat 27-Mar-21 03:16:37

Good news. Hope you're feeling up to it. X

chattykathy Sat 27-Mar-21 10:41:26

Now is the ideal time to arrange a meet up in the garden, yours or hers. When you leave make another arrangement, would you like to come to me next week? etc. Try to create a habit like she has with the in laws. I believe in being proactive 😁

GoldenAge Sat 27-Mar-21 10:42:44

Menonan - did your daughter 'bubble' with her in-laws because of being geographically closer last year? If so, she has got into a routine and that's easily done when you're a busy mum with children because routine is better than no routine. The difficulty is that if she is in that routine you need to break into that and you can do that from Monday onwards - you can meet as a six and this is where you should be proactive. A phone call pointing out how hard it's been for you to cope with the distance during lockdown and how you now want to be back in her life and the lives of the gc. Good luck

grannygranby Sat 27-Mar-21 10:42:50

Perhaps her in laws are more demanding than you and she is relieved you aren’t. She might be feeling spread very thin and grateful for you taking a willing back seat. Smile bravely and carry on being a great gran. That’s what she wants more than anything at this stage of her life.

Nitpick48 Sat 27-Mar-21 10:44:16

My son never rings me, I asked him once why he didn’t, he said you don’t ring me either! True. My daughter never rings, though I do WhatsApp her so I can see if she’s read my messages. Night time is best, once the grandkids are in bed and they’ve had their evening meal. When I was in my 30/40s I rarely rang my mum, I was so busy with work and children. That’s life. We bring our children up to lead full, independent lives, they don’t owe us anything. I don’t expect anything so then I’m not disappointed.

dragonfly46 Sat 27-Mar-21 10:47:15

My DD used to be similar - it wasn't that she didn't care but as she said she is rubbish at keeping in touch.
For some reason recently she has started phoning every Friday after work. It started when she was having some health problems and I would ring to see how she had got on which was usually on a Friday and it has gone from there.
I think your DD is just busy so why not just ring her and ask her how she is?

Chaitriona Sat 27-Mar-21 10:52:01

I am afraid that at this point in your lives she doesn’t feel the need to contact you as much as you want contact with her. You could make her aware of how you are feeling as she may not be aware of it but there is always a danger of making her feel guilty or contacting you becoming a duty rather than a pleasure which could make things worse. You do sound resentful and hurt which is understandable. But try not to act on it. Not phoning hasn’t led to her phoning you. So that hasn’t worked. Maybe at this time you just have to accept you must be the one to phone her. Things should improve when you can actually meet and see your grandchild. I would try to put comparisons with her in laws out of your head as much as you can. I know it is not easy. Good luck.

Natasha76 Sat 27-Mar-21 10:53:29

I can see that you are upset by this but what are your options here? If you tell her how this is making you feel there is a chance you will fall out with each other.
I often have a word with myself and say if you can't change a situation change your reaction to it. Its very difficult to do but does help if you can achieve it. In your circumstances I would be saying to myself I need to call my daughter to see how she is and I would concentrate on starting the conversation with "I'm calling to ask how you are and what you've been doing " try to focus on her. Feelings of being used and resentment don't get you anywhere in life but unhappy and dissatisfied whereas if you can focus on a positive aspect it can lift your mood.
For the record my daughter rings me every couple of days and my son once a month if he remembers.

sazz1 Sat 27-Mar-21 11:10:39

Try inviting them for a picnic tea in the park or your garden
That might help reconnecting with your daughter

JaneJudge Sat 27-Mar-21 11:15:00

I would just talk to her about it? I had quite a difficult relationship with my Mum when my children were small and I honestly think it's because she used to get upset (like you are) and instead of talking to me about it she would say 'oh you see so and so more than me' etc etc and I saw it as a criticism. Weirdly now my children are older we get on really well and I want to see her and talk to her.

I think this last 12 months have been awful for people though in so many ways, so I really wouldn't take anything PERSONAL. It might be her husband is a bit domineering re his parents too, or they are as someone else suggested.

Everything will be okay smile

HannahLoisLuke Sat 27-Mar-21 11:19:15

I get cross reading about adult children who only contact their parents when they want something. Being busy is not a good excuse either, they are being selfish and thoughtless. How many use their parents as free childcare without a thought about how tiring young children are and then complain if the parent doesn’t follow their rules to the letter. They should try looking after their own children for a bit!
Anyway, that’s my rant. I don’t know what to offer in the way of advice Menonan, I’m very lucky with my children. Just sending you a hug xx

4allweknow Sat 27-Mar-21 11:34:02

You were contacted no doubt when your DD wanted something no matter how busy she was. What's changed? Still busy but can't be bothered or you no longer have the essential commodity ie childminding. Seems your DD moves to those who can fulfill certain needs. Call her and just be upfront about why you don't have any visits to see your GS. Deep down you will know if your DDs behaviour is unsurprising or not and you may have to accept how she is in relation to you.