Why didn't my sister let me know...

Ask her.... We can't answer your question.

You can't help it if you live a long way from your mum. I lived nearly 200 miles because of DH job. I am an only one and relations stepped in and offered to keep an eye on her. My mum wore a Buzz button.
Of course, mums always say they are alright they don't want to worry you.
Carers can get very fraught they are in a situation which is changing daily. Don't be cross at your sister just keep in touch with her as well as your mum then you will find out the real situation. We set up a system where I phoned mum every day for a short chat and took turns with the carers phoning each other regularly.

Urmstongran

I think my first text would be to thank her profusely for being so kind and dependable acknowledging that her dedication and care does mean a great deal to you. Let some water flow under that bridge before you broach what is bugging you.

Yes, these were my thoughts as well.

I would be telling her how appreciative you are... maybe send the occasional card, bunch of flowers, chocolates etc?

She may be feeling a bit overwhelmed sometimes and whilst she may understand logically that you are not near at hand to help, she may, quite naturally be dealing with some feelings around that.

I was left to look after my mother as my sisters both lived abroad and whilst I understood that rationally, there were moments when I did feel resentful that the whole load was on me.

There is nothing wrong at all with only being in contact once a week

The blest advice I have seen is for you to up that contact now your mum is getting older. Even if you just text twice a week asking how everyone is.

Is there anything you could offer to take a little of the burden off your sister? I appreciate its harder living further away for you to ohysically be there but could you arrange the weekly shop for mum or send a cleaner to help?

Elizabeth27

Maybe your sister did not want to worry you as there was nothing you could do.

Lame excuse, it's their Mum!!

That's nothing my ugly sis and ma didn't tell me my dad had been in hospital for 6 weeks with stage 4 bowel cancer! We've not been exactly clos ever I'm not the #1favourite but was kinda close to pa. Their excuse? They didn't think I'd be interested....... You just care for your darling mum as you always have had, ignore siblings she's YOUR mum too and nowt to do with their relationship with them!hope she's ok?

Fleurpepper

Sorry Hazel, but your first sentence was that your sister is your mum's carer.

You perhaps have no idea how much 'resentment' there can be, when one sibbling does all the day to day caring, and others just phone once in a while. Blunt, yes- but the reality.

Yes to this.
I’m not my mum’s carer because she lives in a care home. However I visit several days a week, get anything from the shops she needs, liaise with her care home staff and doctor regularly, am selling her flat, have sorted out her flat, manage her finances. My sister phones when she feels like it. Sometimes no calls for weeks, when she’s annoyed with mum, other times three calls a day. We don’t communicate because sister’s mental illness makes her extremely nasty at times. I get on with it. It is what it is.
Maybe your sister feels the same. Perhaps show a little more interest, and visit sometimes. Apologies if you already visit. Phone your sister and communicate with her.

Sago and FlexibleFriend,
Jumping in with your judgemental comments does you no credit whatsoever.

The only person who can give you that answer is your sister herself.... we ( GN ) can all give you our thoughts on the matter but there is only 1 person with the answer.

X

Unless you were going to drop everything and rush over to see your Mother I don’t know what you are upset about, it sounds as though your sister has been your Mothers carer for a while and I’m sure she had it under control.
Unless you would have gone over and helped your sister to care for your Mum, until she was better?

Being a day to day carer of a parent- whilst other sibblings get on with their life far away (or not, in many cases) is very hard. To be criticised then by those who do not deal with an elderly parent, day in, day out, can feel like the ultimate insult and hurt very deeply.

Maybe your sister did not want to worry you as there was nothing you could do.

HazelEyes, I think you have turned this situation around and made it your sister and your mums fault. Your sister has probably been busy with her own life and keeping things ticking over for your mum and I expect when you phoned your mum she was not unwell then or didn’t want to worry you.
Perhaps keeping more regular contact with both your mum and sister could avoid this situation. Please don’t blame them, perhaps you are just feeling a bit guilty.

To those of you who ring your mum everyday good for you! I don’t and would have nothing to talk about if I did. Why is it the OP’s fault for not calling ? Two way street you know

You sister might not have heard your ma say she was all right, because she would have told you (later) that she wasn't, and also, maybe, she did not want to worry you unduly. If you have Facebook, you can call, even if it's just for one minute, and it costs you nothing, and if you want, you can see your ma, then, too.

I used to be in the same situation, my sister lived close to my mum and I lived a 3 hr drive away. It was only after I repeatedly told mum that I wanted to know exactly how she was as opposed to her telling me she was OK that she eventually started telling me the truth. I told her that I worried all the time when I never knew if she was really OK whereas if I knew the real situation I would only worry when she was ill - and obviously make plans to visit asap of course.

Hazeleyes l very rarely comment ir post on here because of the comments. Totally unnecessary

HazelEyes If my comment came across as cruel then I apologise.
My comment was based on the fact your sister was a carer.

Gransnet is not an “ echo chamber” we are generally a helpful but honest bunch so please don’t let it prevent you from posting again.

One or two posters I think drink vinegar for breakfast but we know who they are and either bite back or ignore them!

HazelEyes

The first two comments are particularly cruel so thank you RoseeLee for your very understanding response and thank you also to those who said they don't think it strange for a mother and daughter to only speak once a week. It has made me think hard about posting again in what is supposed to be a non-judgemental forum. A lot of the comments are way off the mark as my mum lives independently and does not need personal care.

On the basis of your first post Hazelpeople have tried to consider various possibilities as to why your sister didn't contact you earlier. They were not being cruel. Particularly as you stated your sister is your mums carer which doesn't suggest "lives independently and does not need personal care". Comments about phoning more often seem linked to people's impression that your Mum was not well/maybe aging and needed regular care from your sister!

I understand that you are annoyed with your sister but to solve the problem it seems best to have a chat with her rather than people on here who are trying to respond and help with only a bit of information available. I hope that you can get your concerns sorted out

Sorry Hazel, but your first sentence was that your sister is your mum's carer.

You perhaps have no idea how much 'resentment' there can be, when one sibbling does all the day to day caring, and others just phone once in a while. Blunt, yes- but the reality.

The first two comments are particularly cruel so thank you RoseeLee for your very understanding response and thank you also to those who said they don't think it strange for a mother and daughter to only speak once a week. It has made me think hard about posting again in what is supposed to be a non-judgemental forum. A lot of the comments are way off the mark as my mum lives independently and does not need personal care.

HazelEyes, please don't take this personally. My Mum lived with me for 4 years. I have siblings but my house was the most appropriate for Mum's needs. I don't have one second of regret about being her carer. However in your sisters defense I must say that caring is all consuming - general daily care , feeding , washing, managing hospital,
GP, and hair appointments!!! It really is full on . Four days will fuse into one for your sister. She will have been so intent on looking after your Mum that everything else will go on the back burner including her own health . My advice to you is to message/ ring your sister regularly and check on your Mum's welfare rather than waiting for her to contact you with news when her mind is so full of her caring responsibilities. When you ring please consider your opening words ie " How are you managing with Mum hope you are not neglecting yourself" . Ask about her before asking about your Mum. Ask your sister what you can do to assist her. This is not about you and your feelings about your sister it is about you showing an understanding of your sisters situation. I wish you all well during this difficult time.

Maybe the first couple of days your sister didn't think your mum was so ill and it was only around day 4 she felt she should have told you. I don't think a once a week chat is odd either.

Diplomatic suggestion Urmstongran !

Urmstongran- spot on! The wrong word now could really upset family dynamics.
And yes, lemsip, my mum would say "fine" to everyone who asked after her health: some people are like that, whilst others give you a list of their every ailment in graphic detail.....which was probably not what the enquirer was looking for.