Mental illness

I am new so nothing to lose.....I suffer from Mental Illness, Bipolar type 2, and generalised anxiety. I only have one head though, am not violent, have managed to bring up 3 children, and until the end of last year also held down a senior management position.

When I am unwell, it is a living hell, I hear 2 voices, one telling me that I am not worth life, that everyone would be much better off if I were dead, that I am useless, disgusting ......the other tells me not to listen, to take a deep breath, to contact someone for help etc. My days when I am poorly, consist of using distraction techniques for 15minute blocks, so I persuade myself that I won't do anything stupid until zi have finished the puzzle, have done the word search etc. I don't wash, I don't dress, I don't communicate......

Most of the time I am somewhere between ill and well. I am scared of hurting myself, but scared of life, and I do sometimes think that I am a drain on the public purse, I cost a lot in Meds (Oh yes the meds.....all have side effects, some interact with each other, but they keep me alive), I am reliant on not only the MH services, but on my GP, the Cardiologist, the Neurologist, the Haemotologist, the Dermatologist, the Rheumatologist.......

My husband is incredible, he has retired early to become my carer, and does look after me, he encourages me and enables me to try to be independent. He prompts me, tells me when I pong and persuades me to get in the bath. He encourages me to go to the hairdresser (which means he comes too), he comes with me to every appointment, he is someone very special!

On a day to day basis I am very dependent on the support of other sufferers and carers on the Rethink forum. I would recommend that anyone struggling either caring for or experiencing MH problems to have a look at this specialist group, most of us are very self aware and able to recognise our illness.

So, assuming you are still reading, what's the worst aspects of mental illness? STIGMA in the press, when trying to access services (in my case just a few weeks ago, I knew I wasn't well, my leg was very painful, and I just knew something was wrong. Even after blood results suggesting I had a clot, the A&E staff asked me if perhaps I was 'stressed' and the pain was perhaps psychosomatic....the scan confirmed otherwise 3 large deep vein thrombosis in one leg, two in the other

Or when I kept raising my concerns about a mole on my leg, it's just anxiety they said.....until the mole was excised to shut me up.....oops, stage 3 malignant melanoma

I am considered to be a second class being.

I know exactly how you feel 35 years ago I had anorexia and since then panic attacks and anxiety - like you I have held management positions and brought up children. But when ever I go to the doctors with an ailment -it's stress !!! So I try not to go unless very urgent. You would think in this day and age the perception of mental illness would be different.

I am quite articulate and very self aware, but my heart goes out to others that I know who are less able to be assertive.

When I am physically ill it always affects my MH, I become very tearful, which just reinforces the view that I am being 'emotional' grrrrr!

The stigma around mental illness is huge. Part of the problem is that there is a stereotypical view of sufferers, so Schizophrenics are viewed as murderers, and yet as a % of sufferers, there is less violence perpetrated by people with psychiatric diagnosis than by the rest of the population.....makes for good reading in the press though.

The vast majority of violence perpetrated by psychiatric patients is to self, eg self harming, suicide etc.

Bipolar is becoming quite a 'sexy' diagnosis as increasing numbers of 'stars' are coming out of the 'closet', but I would love to be 'normal', it must be amazing to not feel like this!

vampirequeen, if you are describing your symptoms, some of them are similar to mine. I have anxiety, depression and unstable mood disorder and have had for decades. I feel I am alone in that I have unwanted feelings and thoughts I feel deeply ashamed of and despite enduring months of intensive therapy (Mentalisation-Based therapy) - I'm 6 months into an 18month course) I feel no better - worse, in fact. I have tried endlessly to help myself and to pull myself out of the mire but in fact I am getting worse and I risk making the my loved ones suffer too, though I try with all my might to prevent that happening. I also have a daughter with Unstable Mood disorder (otherwise known as Borderline Personality Disorder) who suffered greatly as a teenager, and had a long hard struggle, but she is doing extremely well: she finally had a therapy which helped her enormously, and with determination, love and a wonderful partner, now has a good life, is self-employed doing something she loves and has a beautiful 3-month-old daughter: our first grandchild. She puts me to shame.
Mental health problems still evoke shame and guilt in the sufferers who often feel they are burdens to their families despite trying hard to overcome their problems. I live constantly with the fear that if anyone knew what I am really like, they wouldn't want to know me at all. I can't see that changing much, but I am still trying, and will continue to do so as long as I have breath.

And sallybee: I hear you. You sound a very strong lady who suffers a great deal. Glad Rethink helps.

Hi Rowantree

It is hard, not just trying to cope with my illness(s), but also with life. I am very tired and I don't want to be strong, I just want to be wrapped up and not deal with the realities.

At the moment, I am still not daring to grieve my mother and father in laws deaths, and my Mum's death last year, I don't dare really acknowledge the death of my 4yr old grandson in March this year, and how the hell do I deal with the knowledge that the genetic condition that my 18yr old has (inherited from me), is killing her? I don't know how long she has now, but it's clear that it's not long.

Oh and lest we forget, there's all those 'normal' stressors, 'moving house', supporting a daughter whose hubby was in Afghanistan, being physically ill.....

Seriously, I am exhausted, I fear life, and what might happen next, I am not strong, there is a degree of anaesthetic from my meds, so my feelings are less sensitive, but I avoid the outside world, that way I don't have to deal with much more.

Big hugs xxx

Goodness, Sallybee123, you've had more to deal with in your life than most people would in several lifetimes. You've had so much pain and grief that it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed and overloaded. In contrast I feel terribly guilty for feeling as I do because right now my life is far from hard and there is no real reason for me to be so unwell. You have probably spent so much time and energy supporting others in your family and caring for them that caring for YOU has had to take a back-seat - am I right? Anyone would feel not only tired, but utterly and completely exhausted. No wonder you are feeling so dreadful. What support do you have for yourself? Have you had, or are you having, any talking therapy for your painful losses and grief? I can identify with your situation over your genetic condition, in a way: I am a carrier for Goltz syndrome and passed it on, unknowingly, to my daughter - she has symptoms whilst I do not. However, you desperately need ongoing support and I wonder whether you've had that in your life. Meds are OK up to a point but as you say, they anaesthetise slightly and little more. Hugs coming your way - I really hope you are able to access good, long-term therapy which might help you deal with all the pain you've had to bear for so long. XXX

Mental health issues
Hello. I am having more more anxiety and I want proper treatment if I can get it.
I have an appointment on 25 June to see the gp but I hope to be referred to a mental health specialist.
Does this resonate with anyone else?

Oh my goodnesssallybee123 I am so sorry to hear about your problems.
I wish you the best and hope that you can find peace somehow.