It's back: Morning Depression feeling...and worse

rowan you do make me smile. I think you have a great sense of humour. I too get anxious before a holiday. It didn't help that last year we missed our flight and were frog marched out of the airport. We did manage to pay for another flight but lost 2 days of the holiday. So nowadays I'm even more anxious. Im going away next Tuesday. We are going to a reunion in Germany. So my husband is driving. I'm a terrible passenger. Although not a nervous driver strange isn't it. I get very nervy and jittery. Clinging to the seat sucking my teeth. It drives my husband mad and makes me feel physically sick. I'm also worried about meeting people I haven't seen for nearly 40 years. I keep worrying about how different I will look and wishing I'd lost weight( too late now) My youngest son has gone somewhere really really dangerous. I normally see him before he goes ( just in case) but he didn't come to see this time and left it too late for us to get to see him. I faced timed him before he went and told him off. 1 I'm now frightened its bad luck, 2 I'm upset he was so thoughtless3 I'm ashamed of my smothering mothering action. When I'm upset I get nigley with my husband. What a state to be in mostly about nothing. Perhaps galen could spare a large glue of vodka

Meant glug it was not me but the iPad

Kiora, I wish I made myself smile. Not feeling at all good this morning. Pretty low in fact- just woke up like that. Even the sunny day doesn't help. I'm going to a U3a meditation class this morning so I'm hoping I will feel better after that but this sucks - and I can't see any real reason for it Just wish this horrible condition would go away and leave me in peace....

I wonder if it would help at all if you went all out on an exercise plan for a while. How far is the meditation class? If it is, say, a couple of miles you could walk back from it. Just walking two miles a day can prove very helpful.

And if this lovely sunshine stays around, try to be outside most of the day.

(I will now go and follow my own advice!)

As for "needing a good kick up the arse" - no one would dare try to give you one on here as we would be roundly told off! You could try giving yourself one.

Effort in, happiness out, is a good motto. Not sure if a meditation class is what you need tbh.

When DH and I used to go on a series of organised walks a few years ago, a young man joined who was doing his two years living as a woman before getting the op. She had had a rough time - her drink was spiked in a bar by "comedians" having a laff, and she fell and hit her head, had concussion and was very stressed about the while situation.

She was also going to several other courses - but they were all of the analytical variety, going into various aspects of the transexual change, doing meditation and that kind of thing. I reckoned that what she needed as much were other hobbies and occupations to focus on for a while - creative things, physical activities, factual talks about interesting subjects, all with the opportunity to talk informally and less intensely to other people (most of them women) on any subject at all, just chatting.

Oh rowan I'm so sorry I didn't mean to fu fu your condition. It just that you sound so nice. It's your way of phrasing things that give me a rye smile. I have a bit of a caustic humour myself. Will you feel better when you actually arrive at your destination? I do hope so . As well as feeling as you do it must be really wearing pretending that your o.k. Like walking through thick black tar. I really do remember my very black days last year. I'd rather have a broken leg. I was paralysed by anxiety. I lost almost two months. I'm a lot better now apart from my little anxieties about traveling, the postman and the occasional low day. I work and that helps a little I think. oh and the brighter days. Keep me posted on how you are. I send my best wishes and I hope you feel the sunshine

Jinglebells - I haven't lacked effort, I can assure you. Since my ex-friend dumped me, I joined U3a and took classes in philosophy, Russian and art history for a couple of years. I made the effort to get out and do things as much as possible. I went to Pilates every week and started meeting a few friends interested in textile art (which I still do) every month. I did a term's felting course in London and an 8 week Yoga for Anxiety and Depression course. Nothing helped much. I've since dropped the Russian and philosophy - the Russian got to be far too much slog and I was out of my depth, ditto philosophy, though I did try hard with it. The art history group was rather too large and the people there weren't that friendly. I don't mind going to things by myself, and I wanted to try out things I wouldn't normally do, in order to push myself a bit. When DH retired we were able to go out together more to make the most of our National Trust/English Heritage membership, which I like doing, but most outings cost money (petrol ain't cheap). I'd love to join another textile art/stitchy group locally but Ex-Friend goes to the nearest ones, which rules them out for me (would be awkward for both of us and for the many mutual aquaintances). I still feel 'haunted' by the split, try as I might to tell myself it's ancient history - and it hasn't been easy to try to move on, knowing that SHE hasn't had to make any major changes in her life as a result, and is apparently going from strength to strength. GAH!

I guess there are more different U3a groups and meetings I could go to, so I will re-think when we get home from holiday, but it's never been that simple - however hard I've tried in the past, my mind has other ideas.
I enjoy Mindfulness meditation as it focuses on acceptance, and living in the present moment. It's nothing to do with analysing anything. I wish I could live more mindfully, but I'm a slow learner.....;)

Kiora nah, don't worry, I wasn't offended at all You were being very kind, actually, and I do appreciate it. Thank you

I am glad you are better than you were, though it's not pleasant having 'black tar' days (yes, very good description!) Several weeks ago I thought I was improving - I wasn't waking up feeling low or anxious for a while. Stupidly I allowed myself to be persuaded to wean myself off the antidepressants, and found I was feeling rubbish again, so I'm resuming them again, but it might be a while before I feel any benefit. It fluctuates anyway, so I'm not totally sure it was the drug that helped, but we'll see. It's just not great at the moment.
I am persevering with the meditation and trying to keep busy but some days I feel so despondent that nothing I do seems to help and it's tempting to give up altogether - but that's not something I want to do.

No. I only meant "effort" in respect of exercise. Walking can be very helpful. Perhaps more relaxing than trying to do stuff.

You could well be right there! I'm rather exercise phobic - which is probably why I should try to do something about it. I'm rather a lazy cow, and it's not a healthy way to be, I know....

I really need a hug today. Last night I felt overwhelmed with sadness - started obsessing again about DD1 not having a partner/family of her own, and the fact that DD2 has said she won't be having any more children (which Mr Rowantree thinks is sensible given the terrible pregnancy she had and the risk of Goltz syndrome - I can see that, but I find it hard to come to terms with it and I know well I have to keep my feelings to myself and not inflict them on either of our DDs. My automatic habit of comparing myself constantly means I look into the future, see sister-in-law and friends with more than one GC and feel scared that I won't be able to deal with my feelings of envy and bitterness yet again (which I know aren't rational, or nice, or justifiable!).
I need and want so much to be able to make the most of the dear little GD we do have, but it's tearing me up thinking that she could be the only one...and every time DD2 posts on FB or says that she's not having any more, I can't escape or pretend to myself that I haven't heard or read it, can I?

So ok, I know there is no answer and that I am probably feeling this irrational way because of my depression, but I don't know which came first and...well, I guess I'm just venting really because DH tries to understand but just gets annoyed or irritated at the moment.....

{{{hugs}}}
Know the feeling. If I get like that I start worrying about what I should be worrying about but aren't as I can't think what it is?
Daft bugger, that's me!

Rowan

This is the first time I've posted anywhere. I've been severely depressed for over a year and wake up every morning wishing I hadn't. I'm on mirtazapine 30mg which my psychiatrist refuses to increase. I certainly relate to feelings of envy and bitterness, feelings I have towards pretty much everyone including everyone with a partner, which I haven't had for a very, very long time - and yes, those feelings make me hate myself. I brought my son up as a single parent and he and my 2 grandchildren now live abroad. I had a row with him on the phone today, and feel totally alone.

Rowantree just try to concentrate on lavishing loads of love on the little grandaughter you have. If I were you, tbh, I would look upon her as a happy outcome after all the things you have had going on in your family.

sola

I like this article (it could be the one mentioned in this thread)

sola, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. It doesn't sound as if you are getting any support from your psychiatrist or your son. You've struggled on for a long time alone and bringing up your son by yourself and I'm not surprised you have feelings of bitterness and envy towards those with seemingly stable lives. If you are depressed, that colours your feelings towards those you are closest to, which means that you're more likely to row because you're taking out your painful feelings on whoever you can. Does your son know and understand that you are clinically depressed? If not, it's important that he does. You must feel in anguish now. Would you be able to write to him, when you feel a little calmer, and explain how bad you are feeling?
Then there's your psychiatrist. You don't say how long you've been seeing him/her, whether you've been referred for any therapy or whether you've been an in-patient. It's not acceptable that you've been fobbed off with an ineffective dose of mirtazapine. What are his reasons for not increasing it? It's possible to go to 45mg daily which is what I was on (and am heading back there again because coming down from it was a bad mistake).
My psychiatrist pointed out to me that he wasn't a therapist but he could refer on and prescribe. He has his limitations but he listens and he treats me like an equal human being. You deserve no less. You also need a CPN if anyone does - do you have one?
If I were you I'd make another appointment with him and make it clear that you are not seeing any benefit on this drug at this level. You have the right to a proper care plan and to discuss your treatment. If that isn't happening, it might be time to ask your GP to refer you to someone else- you are entitled to a second opinion in other medical departments so I am assuming the same thing applies to mental health too.
It's not a lot of comfort to you, but I send you a big hug over the airwaves. Please keep posting. There are many gransnetters who are compassionate, caring and thoughtful, and I have found comfort in their wisdom and kindness. I hope you find the same.

You're welcome Rowantree.

jingle thank you so much for the link - that's most interesting and I will certainly look into that if I decide to go down the private route. I've heard of Professor Gilbert but had no idea that Compassion-based therapy was being trialled (sorry, horrible word, but you know what I mean). And you're quite right: our little GD is amazing and I feel very lucky to have her at all. It's just that, often, I can't see the wood for the trees in this depression haze - and then the fug clears for a while and I feel utterly stupid and foolish - and crass. I keep looking at her fingers and toes and thinking 'Has she really got ALL her fingers and toes?' (DD2 didn't and the painful memory of seeing for the first time her l tiny, malformed right hand with just two fingers and her foot with two toes on it, will always be with me). I can't quite believe DGD is a 'normal', healthy little baby. It's ridiculous therefore that I sabotage my appreciation of her by focusing on things beyond my control, but thinking and feeling become very warped with depression and anxiety at times.
I feel very much for sola and I'm worried about her. I hope she keeps posting. I know that if she does, she won't feel quite so alone. Gransnet has helped me - I am so glad I found it.

sola earlier on in the thread I told of my little spat with my son. It made me feel really terrible. I often have thought along the lines of "I don't deserve this. I was a devoted mother and this is the thanks I get" oh woe is me. It's a part of myself I find difficult to come to terms with. It's the negative part of me. I'm ashamed of it. Part of me thinks I did my job sent them into world so why am I now so possessive. I'm trying really hard to let go and open the door of this part of my life rather than turn into a bitter old women. But I do really understand your feelings. My son came to see me so I was being silly and regret all that wasted energy feeling sorry for myself. I hope you feel better soon

Kiora - I can well understand your feelings. I often feel like that too. Sometimes it's really difficult to understand why we feel as we do though. X

Rowantree and Kiora thank you so much for your kind messages of comfort. I've emailed my son to try to make the peace, but no reply. I've got an appointment with a [new] psychiatrist at the beginning of June [the present one is moving on], and will certainly try to get an increase in the mirtazapine, and ask about a CPN. Thank you again for you kindness.

rowan I'm setting off on my holiday early tommorow. I have managed to keep my anxiety under control today I hope I sleep tonight I hope your feeling better at least better enough to enjoy your holidaysola I really hope things have resolved a little with your son and I hope you keep posting for you. Fingers crossed for some

Hi, I've just come to this thread and haven't read all the way through so I may be jumping in, both feet in mouth, - Rowan, you said you had to give up your classes and it sounds as if you're looking for something else to fill the gap. Can I suggest volunteering? A girl I used to know had severe anxiety bouts and found that her voluntary work at a local cats home helped her (all those cute kittens). Another lady works out front on the counter in a charity shop. I volunteer at a local NT property. What all these have in common is that while you're there there's no time to think about yourself, everything is directed to the job in hand, be it rehoming a kitten or discussing the merits of Jacobean plasterwork, and your mind/brain gets a complete rest from thinking inwardly. You meet a lot of people but don't need to talk about yourself at all. I found it amazingly liberating.