It's back: Morning Depression feeling...and worse

Some of you might remember this Moaning Minnie from several months ago because I posted quite a lot when I was feeling anxious and low.
I was put on the highest possible dose of an antidepressant called Mirtazapine and warned that side-effects included weight gain (not great news as I am in the obsese category - 89.00 kgs and 5 foot tall (sorry for mixing metric and imperial!) DH was very worried about this extra weight gain as I had been managing to lose some and keep stable on the 5/2 diet, but this drug makes you hungrier, so I was nibbling secretly and in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep
Reluctantly I agreed to come off the drug though it had been a relief waking up feeling relatively OK for a few months. It hadn't prevented mood swings but I'd been feeling better, more enthusiastic, more energetic and less bleak. I'm now on the lowest dose for a couple of weeks and I've been waking up feeling low again, which is a blow. However OK I feel when I go to bed, I wake feeling like sh* in the morning.
I guess there's no solution but to get on with it somehow, but I'm now dreading our holiday in France and worried I'm going to spoil it for DH who deserves some joy in his life (living with me is no picnic)...

My feelings of envy/jealousy/resentment are worse too. To my shame, I am dreading hearing news of my husband's niece in Canada who is giving birth at the moment - we don't get on that well with them and I get this uncomfortable jealousy/resentment thing when things go well for them (and some others too ) - I can hear my mother talking as I mutter things I am appalled at muttering and think things I am disgusted at myself for thinking. I keep it to myself as much as I can because I know it's NOT a nice trait and it's a part of myself I'd much rather I didn't have - but I do, and it feels like an unseen and horrible disability from which others would undoubtedly and understandably recoil if they knew about it. As a for instance: it seems that this girl is doing well with her labour, whereas I had two caesareans, the second time giving birth to my lovely daughter who has Goltz syndrome (very traumatic at the time and in the years to come). My daughter's pregnancy a nd caesarean birth were also horrendous - so I feel resentful of my DH's niece for having it 'easy' (in my warped thinking). Yes, I KNOW it's HORRIBLE. I'd feel disgusted if I read this too!

It makes little difference trying to be thankful for things - and I do try, believe me - I KNOW I should be, and I am, but the envy is overwhelming and makes me feel as if it negates everything good in my life. It's like baling out the sea with a thimble. I don't want to be like this.

I am trying to keep going with a Mindfulness programme called Headspace, but I'm so worried and low about feeling worse again and not knowing how I am going to cope. The worst thing is facing the dark side of oneself: most people aren't like this, most people have good thoughts and feelings about others, can feel genuinely happy for the success of others....why is it that I am such a subhuman freak?

There is no answer to this. As before, I am as I am, and I'm stuck with me, darnit!