Black Dog 12

I hope you don't mind me asking but how do you know if you have depression? I don't want to offend anyone who has it. I have had an awful week keep falling asleep and when awake and by myself keep crying. It's not like me. Feel like everything is getting on top of me. And can't see a way of shaking myself out of it.

I am normally the sort of person that copes with whatever life throws at me. But this week I am struggling.

Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings by asking.

How is everyone today? We're all having a lazy morning - he girls are playing board games. The 11 year old is going to football practice later, so I'll drive her there, and her dad and I will watch. DH is going to stay here and cook the lunch, with GD2 "helping". Hope everyone manages to have a decent day.

Sweetpeasue what an upsetting time you had after your op. Glad it’s settled down a bit even though there is still some pain.
I hope tonight is better. You really need a good night’s sleep.
Scaredycat I’m fine now thank you. Over the jabs. The only ache I have now is in my fingers from trying to learn/practice crochet. How have you been today?
HVDY glad you had a chance to chat with others after your class. Must be nice to have a social aspect to it as well. Hope you are pleased with your new curtains.
Ellie Anne you can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You need some one close to chat to. Do you have any good friends you can talk to? I think many people these days have lost the art of chatting on the phone. People use their mobiles and texting so much that conversation with others isn’t necessarily part of life anymore, I find it very sad especially when I see parents on their phones when they have young children. I’m sure children these days aren’t talked to as much as we were when young.
Annie it’s so sad that your sisters aren’t in contact. I know why but I do think it’s heartless and unkind of them not to be more concerned with your welfare especially as you all used to be so close. Good to hear MT enjoying her job. x

Oh Annie my daughter is 240 miles away! She’s not chatty on the phone so even that contact is difficult. I find myself talking rubbish to fill in the silences. And because of her mental health problems I have to watch what I say. She never tells me about her health.
I know lots of people on their own think I am fortunate to have my husband but when the relationship is not happy it’s difficult.
There are so many different types of unhappiness and loneliness.
I also wish we all lived near each other and could give friendship and support.
Sweet pea sue I can’t believe you have been through all that and are still in such pain. I hope you sleep tonight.

ScaredyCat Asda was busy - there are certainly some sights in there. A bloke wearing flipflops, shorts and no top. A woman wearing a bra and trousers. It's never dull there . The virtual class was ok. About 10 ladies go on a Friday, so we're all familiar with each other and have a chat.

It's been a lovely day for getting the washing dry (I'm obsessed and know how sad that is). I bought some new curtains for my bedroom, so DH has just put them up and I'm washing the others.

How has everyone been? x

I'm sorry Annie. It must be your area that is unable to do the home visits. That's such a shame. X

HVDY- I love to hear about MrCooper he is a very old chap.
We don’t have a B and M but it sounds like a place full of goodies. Bet Asda wasn’t as much fun!! Your GD is making the most of her new school isn’t she. My GGC do something every night after school - I think sometimes children need time to do nothing as well.
What was your virtual class like?
Doodle- Hope you are not so achey today. Your poor friend is suffering as much as if she had a physical problem - I hope she gets some face to face help soon.
Annie- good to hear that MT is enjoying life at the moment. It’s good that she and her brother get on well too.
It’s heartbreaking that you don’t see your sisters- I don’t know how they can carry on without any contact with you. They must know how difficult life has become for you.
Sending you a great big hug xxx
SweetPeaSue- you poor thing what a frightening day that must have been. Good that the CT scan was ok but there are still so many unanswered questions that are pecking at your head.
You still manage though to care for your Auntie- you too are a brave lady.
It has been a beautiful day today and so good to see people out enjoying life in the sun. Love it when it’s sunny but just warm.
Take care allxxx

Thank you Sweetpeasue my younger daughter lives 220
miles from me, my elder daughter is dead, so not able to
.pop in several times a week. I did explain earlier today that
AGE,U.K. does telephone conversations. So not a case of me
being independent.

Just thought*Annie*. My aunt has a person who visits her weekly from Age. UK. My aunt has got to know her quite well. It definitely is not the same, I agree. My aunt has also a daughter who visits several times a week, and we try and take her out for a coffee and a few groceries once a week, though it's been difficult to pre-arrange this lately because of my pain situation. Her memory is getting quite bad and it's becoming hard to relay some of my situation so she can understand why I'm not always able to do this. You may find that you would be able to get on with someone you like. It must be so hard as I know you try to be as independent as possible and we all know how many things you took part in and were part of when you were able. I love your posts on other forums! You are a brave lady for sure. X

Just short message. After my last post - - when I stood up to walk up and down pain came back so bad and could hardly stand. Headache and confusion. Gp surgery said A&E or 999.Couldnt walk to ambulance when it came. Terrified while waiting on trolley as scared would see same Gynae team that treated me badly. We were there a long time. Had CT to rule out internal bleeding from recent op. All OK. Pain subsided so back home late at night. Terribly worried they won't be able to find cause of my pain and also whatever it is he couldn't see but may not be anything to worry about. Just thought while he was inside he'd be able to see whatever it was when he did Laparoscopy. Just will have to wait for next MRI. Just feels like mod period pain today so just pottering. DH gone for a few groceries.
Thank you HVDY and everyone for your supporting posts. I don't know what I'd do if I was alone * Annie*. I wish we could all give you a hug though I know it could never make up for your terrible losses.
Hope you all have a reasonable day. X

Anniebach Yes, I see. Of course, you must miss your family so much. Is there any chance of reconciling with your sisters? I wish we on BD lived near to each other, we'd all get together. x

I resisted the urge to go to B and M. Went to Asda with DH instead and bought food for lunch tomorrow (he's going to cook)

HVDY my loneliness is caused by a longing for my extended
family, AGE U.K. have telephone friends but it’s the need we all
have for human contact, a hug, a kiss, I haven’t seen my three
sisters for over 5 years and we live in the same town, we were
always a hug,hug,kiss,kiss family. Enjoying shopping for the
crap you don’t need but have to buy x

Sweetpeasue hope you are feeling calmer x

Hi all x

Scaredycat bad memories, when they come to mind I tell
myself. ‘.don’t go there you can’t change the past’ , it often works but not always, X

Doodle the local church is closed, needs rewiring.our town
is like several villages combined, I miss the part of town where
i lived for 41 years
Mini Tornado is fine, she loves her job and is living with her
sister and her partner, he works 5 evenings a week so the two
girls are enjoying being together, they are as they were before
Catherine became ill, she is saving so she can afford the deposit
needed to rent an apartment, when the partner has evenings off Mini Tornado goes to see her brother. I don’t hear so much
from them now, they go to the gym and love walking the dog
on the beach.
Definitely people with mental health problems need face to
face talk time, eye contact is very important.Yes keep walking x

Sweetpeasue hoping you had a better night.
Scaredycat so sorry for the bad memories that trouble you. We never lose our past. Sometimes we can put things out of our mind for a while but it only needs a small thing or a certain anniversary to bring it all back. Sending you a hug x
HvDY Mr Cooper is certainly a lucky cat to have been adopted by you.
Have a lovely weekend with your family.
Annie I hope you are ok. You must be missing your daughter so much. Do you chat to MT, how is she getting on?
Thinking today of friend who needs help with mental health issues and none being offered. When it’s physically pain you can go and see a GP and maybe some painkillers help but when the pain is in your mind you need specialist help. Many people who are offered online help do not get benefit from this sort of interaction and actually need face to face help. So many needing help and such lack of resources.

How is everyone this morning? It's bright, sunny, but cold, here. The Gs are here for the weekend - they didn't get up until 9am, which is very unlike them! They're going into town with their dad soon, so I'm going to go to B & M later and buy some --crap we don't need--essential items. Hope everyone manages to have decent day x

Doodle Your husband certainly has had far more than his fair share of medical problems. He sounds like a very nice man. Mr Cooper was feral when I got him in, and the vet estimated he was 7 - 11 then, so that makes him 18 - 22 now. He enjoys the very best that I can do for him.

Anniebach I may have suggested this before, but have you thought of contacting AgeUK and asking about their befriending service? They have volunteers who visit people at home, for a chat and company. A friend of mine does it.

ScaredyCat Mr Cooper is indeed a pampered boy. I've had cats for 42 years, but he's been my favourite and is such a gentle old boy.

I went to aqua aerobics (a virtual class) which was a 45-minute exercise. Son2 called round for a chat. Son1 and his girls are here for the weekend. GD1 is enjoying senior school and now does drama, football, hockey and rugby (!) after school. I hope everyone on BD has a restful night x

Evening all
HVDY- Mr Cooper is one lucky fellow. What a good cat mummy you are!!! It’s sunny where we are too but with a hint of Autumn in the air.
SweetPeaSue- if they didn’t warn you that this would happen perhaps it would be a good idea to ring the surgery if it’s not stopped- but I do hope that’s not the case.
Wishing you a more peaceful and comfortable night tonight.x
Doodle- your DH is such a courageous person. What a lot he has gone through. 2 miles was a long way for him but will have done you both good despite the achey feelings. It should improve as you walk more.
Although I don’t go to church now I do love being in them and love that sense of peace. I always light candles for my lost loved ones wherever we are. White feathers bring me comfort too.
Annie- i hope your younger daughter enjoys her holiday- she will miss you too. She will have lots to tell you when she gets back.
Last night was a difficult one I guess having to deal with the bad memories again didn’t help. Hope tonight is more tranquil for you.
Love to allxx

I am aching this evening. We went for a 2 mile walk today and I am so unfit I ache all over. I was thinking of you Annie. You are right we do need to keep walking. My muscles aren’t used to it at the moment.
HVDY DH has had serious health problems since he was 48. Many operations, hospital appointments and procedures. He is the most uncomplaining man and very stoic. He does his best to keep him self well and I’m pleased to say unlike many men he will always go and see a GP if he has a problem. He is a lovely shade of purple at the moment after his fall last week. Today we discovered another huge bruise behind his knee.
I see Mr Cooper is a very loved and pampered cat with his own heated blanket. How old is he?
Sweetpeasue glad you had a bit better sleep. Is the pain and bleeding expected after your procedure? Might be an idea to contact GP next week if it continues (I sincerely hope it doesn’t)
I wish they could find out what’s wrong. Are you supposed to continue with the painkilling meds? Take care and I hope you sleep better and longer tonight.
Annie there is nothing for me that resembles being in a quiet church waiting for a service to begin. A chance for a quiet word or thought and closeness. I wish you could do that again.
Does your local church ever do communion at peoples houses?
Sorry you had a bad night. I have a friend who attaches great importance to feathers. I glad you found one to give you comfort. x

Hi all x

Doodle there is such peace sitting in church isn’t there, I miss attending services , sitting alone when church is empty
and the fellowship, I haven’t been to Mass for 5 years.
I don’t know how long my younger daughter will be away, she
is flying out today to join her husband which is lovely for her,
Yes I will miss her so much, until she is back home I will only
have a chat for one hour a day, so yes very, very lonely.

Was so down last night, didn’t get to sleep until about 3.00am,
this morning a lovely feather on my living room floor x

Sweetpeasue yes the Aberfan disaster was a long time ago but
seeing mothers digging with hands trying to find their children’s bodies cannot be erased from the mind, or all the little bodies carried out by their fathers, grandfathers and neighbours.. hope you are in less pain today,x

How is everyone ?

Annie Thinking of you just now as footage shown of our late Queen in Wales, so long ago but must be so fresh in your mind. It will bring back memories for you. It must be hard being alone watching all this. I hope you're OK. xx
Doodle Thank you. Your poor husband. It's not nice to see our husbands struggling. I'm sure he appreciates the walks however far you both can manage together.

Had better sleep. Woke just after 4 with pain. Got up for loo and awful pain when stood and bleeding. Wasn't expecting it so bad. Had to lie on sofa for a while this morning as couldn't stand without pain but all eased off now so going to stand and walk around to see what happens.
Hope you all have decent dayHVDY abd all on BD. xxxx

SweetPeaSue You've had a terrible past couple of years, unbelievably poor treatment, awful pain and worry, and untold concern about your health. Try to rest and relax, take the painkillers when the pain is severe, and try to think of how you'll feel when they do find out what is wrong and how they will treat the cause. I truly hope that your appointment in 6 weeks will signal the beginning of the end of all your trobles. x

Doodle I hope you and your husband are doing ok today. Poor man, he's got a lot of things wrong with him x

Anniebach, ScaredyCat, EllieAnne and others on BD -I hope you've all got some sunshine today. It's bright and sunny but cool here. Mr Cooper whined so much earlier that I had to put the heating on for an hour! He's got an electric blanket (obviously, a pet one) but ignores it. He was asleep on the bottom bunk bed not long ago. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Scaredycat I do like a glass of wine in the evening. I find it relaxing. Went for a walk today but found our legs were aching a lot so it wasn’t a long one. We need to go out every day and try and walk a bit further. DH takes so many meds for different things poor man can hardly stand upright . He gets dizzy so I have to make sure I hang onto him.
Annie I do like going to church. It seems quieter and more peaceful there than anywhere else. We have a lovely stained glass window in our church and I look at that when I pray. I can understand why you miss it.
I’m sorry you will miss your daily chats with your DD. When you spend so much time alone as you do, those precious chats must mean so much. How long will she be going for?
Glad your carer is still coming and you get on.
HVDY I’m glad you and your SIL had a good day. It must make a break for your brother and also give her a change. It is hard when people get so confused. It sounds as though your SIL is still functioning quite well though even if she gets confused.
Sweetpeasue we’re just glad to hear from you.
That gas in the diaphragm is quite common after an op. DH had that too. Painful.
Sorry you still seem to be in pain. Perhaps that will ease after the effects from the procedure have worn off.
I do hope you get some answers when you see the consultant. Having the MRI as well should help them see if there’s anything causing this pain. You are not self pitying but in pain and frightened. I hope you sleep tonight and your body gets a chance to rest. Take care x

Thank you Scaredycat. I have some Amitriptyline to help. If pain wakes me I can take Oramorph which helps to relax as well, but don't want to start taking it primarily to relax. Had to take twice last night. Thank you again. X

SweetPeaSue- Oh you have been through so much these last few days. I,m glad you have found a supportive GP who it seems like will do her best to help you. You really need someone to fight your corner. Do you have anything to help you sleep? You must be more than exhausted.
You do not in the least sound self pitying - you are always so kind and interested in us all despite your continual problems. Glad we are here to support you.
Hopefully the anaesthetic effects will have lessened by tomorrow so you won’t feel quite so muddled.
Take care and rest if you canx

I'm so sorry, can't reply to you all as v tired but just to let you know I came out yesterday. Dr rang me to say he'd taken a cyst off fallopian tube, snipped adhesion near appendix scar, no Endometriosis and wants an MRI as couldn't identify something in uterus ligament. Said he wasn't sure if he'd managed to get enough tissue for biopsy but sent what he'd got. See him in 6 weeks after MRI. No sleep in hospital because of worry. Up at 3 this morning with pain and anxiety. Just don't know what's happening to me. My life's been turned upside down these last 2 yrs with continual undiagnosed pain and there seems no end. I don't know what I'll do if they can't find out what's causing it. Pretty awful today as swallowing causes pain because of gas in diaphragm but should go. They gave me just strips to change my dressings instead of right size but someone rang from ward and said I don't need to change them. I saw a GP today and she was lovely. I couldn't stop sobbing and I know she's going to try and support my situation as much as is possible. She understands completely how all this (Dr's covering up) has affected myself and husband and broken me. I wanted some answers from this op but I think there will be a long way to go and I just don't know how I'm going to cope with it. I'm sure if anyone reads my posts I will come across as so self pitying and I care about that but I need BD so I post you my honest feelings but don't know if I should. To go to Dr's today I went to put a dress on over my nightie then realised what I was doing. Also put my bra on inside out! Must be anaesthetic. Thinking of you all and hope you're all managing to keep OK with all the extra sadness that is throughout our country at present. Love to all. X