Black DOG 13

,Annie Just sent you a pm but it doesn't appear to have gone. I will try again later. I'm so sorry. I've not slept yet so minds going round in circles. I just needed to apologise to you above all. X

My mother drove me to a breakdown over what should have been a joyous event for me. It wasn't the first time she had done it but that time she managed to bring other family members into it and I discovered a lot about the lies she had spread about me my whole life and why I didn't have close relationships with people I should have.

I asked for a break from her and she wouldn't give it to me.

She and other family hounded me while I was so low and delicate. I was suicidal, I couldn't cope.

I begged for help and I got it. I saw a therapist and I was completely desperate, thinking I was crazy, a terrible person. This man told me he couldn't fix me because there was nothing wrong with me, it was my family that was the problem and I needed to walk away. He discharged me to counselling while I did so.

With the support of a great counsellor, my husband, friends and children I finally walked away. I started to recover.

We talked about my childhood, my mother, my sexual abuse, the ways my own family had let me down and the ways I was different and how to make me resilient enough to overcome it. She was incredible and I brought her flowers one day knowing I was ready stop coming.

I was finally able to come off antidepressants. I went back into education to work towards my dream job. My confidence was improving, I was exercising and looking after myself..

Then I became very ill unknown to me with thyrotoxicosis caused by Graves disease. I became physically and mentally unwell. I had no idea how bad it was. We had the pandemic happen and by the time I realised just how bad things were getting help was almost impossible and with my mental health background, my symptoms weren't taken seriously.

As I became unwell, old feelings were creeping back. I had started looking for support again and I didn't always find it, there were people who didn't agree with my estrangement and being ill and vulnerable unknown to me, over time I became angry, paranoid and defensive and all the feelings of the breakdown started coming back.

I was studying for a diploma and it was all falling apart because elements of my course were impossible during the lockdowns etc and I got really behind.

I finally got diagnosed when my hips became too painful to walk. I had had injections previously of cortisone and insisted on that and finally saw a doctor but then she surprised me by testing my thyroid instead.

I got a big suprise when she said my levels were the highest she had personally seen and I started treatment for hyperthyroidism and the mental health symptoms. With support from colleagues at work we pulled together all my coursework and I got my diploma.

Even after all that, the symptoms of depression and anxiety come and go. No matter how much I heal or achieve or how much happiness I find, difficult events in my childhood and adult life have changed my body chemistry and I will always be vulnerable to the black dog at times.

But I know I am worthwhile as a person. I am good enough and I will always fight it.

We have a saying at school "The power of yet".

There is no "I can't" there is only "I can't do it yet"

It's so important to keep fighting

VioletSky thank your sharing your journey and the understandings you have gained on it. Every time someone shares I learn more.

Yes we will always be vulnerable

and thats why we're here and I am beyond grateful to have found this space.

Not time to write much just to say what lovely thread the kindness and acceptance, and Annie hope you can find someone for Sunday soon.

Sue good to hear you'll contact the GP Monday

Sue please try to get some rest. Turn off GN, you really aren’t in trouble or anything like that.
No one is cross with you.
I’m sure that I’ll be awake in the early hours, so if you are too, I’ll be here

Welcome to Black Dog FannyCornforth do share your mental health troubles, all who post here will understand x

Hello Annie thank you.
I posted on BD quite a while ago, and haven’t again since.
Not for any reason that I can actually think of really. I think sometimes I just want to try to forget about it all.
I feel better now about posting here because I can see what a wonderfully safe space it is.

I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder when I was in my teens, before it was a thing, really. I was born anxious.
My parents had MH things going on, so it was a perfect storm of nature and nurture.
Having said that I had a mostly wonderful childhood.
My dad is extremely high functioning ASD and also had OCD when my mom was dying.
I’m doing comparatively really well now, but the past three years have been atrocious.
Honestly, I could type forever!
So that’s just a snap shot.
Thank you for welcoming me.
Annie, you are a diamond x

Welcome Fanny

My husband thinks I'm making myself worse at present by worrying about this recent lapse. I will make him the excuse then to say thank you to all and I don't know what else I can do. A special thank you to Annie and her thread BD who has helped so many here and those who still dip in. Have had another sleep and I will give BD a break for now. I'm still over thinking things and can't switch off. If I mention anyone I'll worry I've missed others out and anyway that wouldn't be right. So thank you to all the kindness shown to me.
A Cywtch for Annie.

HVDY that’s so unfair. I love curly whirlys. You’ve made me think of them now ?
Hello Sparklefizz hope you are doing ok.
Annie that’s such good news about your Saturday carer and your weekday one doing Sundays. I hate to think of you having no one in. So pleased they are nice people.
Scardycat enjoy the rest of your holiday. Safe journey home.
Whiff your rambles are lovely. I can only imagine the state your friends wool was in. I love the idea of a craft group. I do craft with my neighbour sometimes,
Violetsky I’m so sorry your family caused you such misery.
You did well to overcome all that and build a career for yourself only to be brought down by illness again. Lockdown played havoc with lots of peoples physical and mental health.
Glad you got some help. You sound in a better place now.
I think if we have had sadness in our lives, looking back on it beings it all back again. We never lose those feelings and are vulnerable. Of course you are worthwhile. I like your saying.
Wyllow hope you arrives safely and are having a good time with your family.
Fanny do you still run your night owl thread? I usually sleep through the night. I am very lucky in that. On the few occasions I haven’t it’s been nice to log onto your thread and have some company.
I do remember you posting here before. Whenever I see your name appear I always think of kindness. You have been helpful and supportive to others on other threads too.
I am pleased you had a good childhood despite your anxiety.
You are certainly right about one thing. Annie is a diamond. ? Hope you’ll feel happy to join in whenever you feel like it.

sweetpeasue

Please dont worry, you are safe here

A diamond? Just done Wordle , I am also wonderful!

We are here for each other, I am very protective of Black Dog,
1966 I was in Aberfan when the disaster struck, born and brought up there, for me the safest , happiest place in the world untill . No counselling, just Valium prescribed. Several
women and men took their lives.

1971 I was in a psychiatric unit PTSD, we were living in a police
house, whilst I was in there the police moved my husband and
2 children to save me embarrassment, grrrrrr. Valium!

1976 my husband killed in car crash, yes Valium, with our daughters age 5 and 7 we had to get out of the police house and
moved to a council estate, a new estate, 59 houses, we were there on our own, no street lights, no telephone, no neighbours,

Following these traumas I wanted to do something to support
others , mental illness must be viewed equally with physical
illness. I worked for the Samaritans and later MIND.

12 years ago my darling elder daughter developed Bipolar, she took her life 5 years ago come November. Throughout her
illness i was shocked that mental illness is still not looked on
by some as an illness.

This epistle is to explain why i am protective of Black Dog, I
don’t want anyone to feel they cannot speak of any form of
mental illness and to know there is now help if they seek it.
I accept more difficult since COVID, so reach out and speak
out , the days of ‘mothers little helpers’ - Valium , has gone.

Thank you Annie
My mom was addicted to Valium in the 70’s

Anniebach what a wonderful courageous woman you are. And an inspiration to us all. You have shown no matter what happens in our lives we can get through each day.

I am very glad I posted on here. You are all so welcoming,helpful and supportive.

Annie you made this a safe place for us to come. Long may this thread continue. ❤️

What a lot of courage and resilience you ladies all have.

Mental health is talked about more these days, but help often involves waiting lists for counselling. There is help available, though, and of course, this thread is so valuable for many of us. I think myself very fortunate in many ways. Hope everyone on BD has a good rest tonight x

Annie because I didn't know you from before thank you so much for your story.
I'm struggling with v hight levels of depression and anxiety in between moments enjoying grandchildren. Not too surprised as a lot on my mind I cant share with DS and DiL - partly sheer busy-ness, part exhaustion, and partly because its not the right time to share heavy stuff with them - or even here, because my Ex's Stuff is not mine to share.

So is there a night owl thread fanny? Not thinking for BD stuff but the ordinariness of hellos when on own in night.

Hello everyone
Sweetpeasue I have just tried to pm you about what you asked me yesterday.
Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be sending it.
I hope that you’re okay. I’ll try again later. Take care x

How is everyone, on this overcast day? (it is here, anyway)

Good Morning, its nice to report something positive, I had a better nights sleep than for a long time.

Been thinking a lot about your post above Annie. Your troubled past took my breath away in terms of what you've been through: and tho understandable how you've ended up wanting to fight for MH issues being an illness not shame and blame. May I ask, if you are prepared to answer, how you ended up in a wheelchair and restricted and needing carers? I'm sorry if this has been mentioned in the past but I'm a newbie.

I've always wanted to help others but can't take the path you have (Sams etc) because of my own condition and the inability to take responsibility when it means "commitments" heading into the uncharted future. (as well as being scared sometimes to leave the house except to go to the most familiar places!)

However I did decide to become a User Governor on my local MH Trust and..so far, so good. They are understanding enough to take on board one's difficulties and it feels I am not totally useless sort of thing.

One of my struggles over the years as a User has been that some MH professionals can't understand that I can be very articulate and also very vulnerable. (I have formal qualifications dripping out of ears but not been much able to put them to any use earning money or voluntary work)

For example, comments when I was an inpatient from one or two nurses, "whats the like of you doing in here". but that was quite a long time ago. I was an inpatient for 6 months and it was probably one of the most valuable experiences of my life in terms of who I met as other patients.

Of course, I've met some wonderful workers too. They are just very short on the ground atm.

Currently am greatly concerned for Ex, who, tho he abused me, IS ill and has been 'awol' since 9th Sept. Cant give details but I'm going to have to use any channels I have, to get his workers to check that he is at least OK, whatever he is up to, even if they cant tell me, as I do castrophise.

Morning everyone
I've not been thinking straight. Takes ages to make stupidly simple decisions. Still sudden, unexplained bouts of tears but I hope to see GP tomorrow. Don't want this to be all about me (been taking a while to find right words , as it feels so crucial almost not to misconstrue meanings-it's ridiculous, but if I mess up hope you'll understand)
Anyway, I slept last night which is amazing. Think I just crashed out. I would like to stay on BD as you've all been such a support. Just writing that has started tears but I need you all to know that. It might be in a different way as I don't think I'll be able to address everyone's post separately for now. Also if Im not on for a few days or perhaps longer., I just don't know atm, please don't be concerned. I don't want to cause any more worry. I feel terrible about it. You've all been so wonderful and, well, I just can't undo what's done so I can only say I'm sorry to worry everyone. Truly.
Been trying to delete some messages, as I'm aware it's public forum. It seems I must go through them 1 by 1 and write down date and time then get in touch with GN. I tried to do this yesterday but maybe it was too soon and I couldn't continue. Will try again later. Said I didn't want it to be all about me but I'm afraid that's what I've done. Hope you all understand.
Special Cwytch (hope it's spelt right Annie) to Annie. Thank you to all and love xx

oh dear . that sounded awful. I didnt mean I needed you all to know that I was in tears. I shouldnt have put that but dont know why I wrote it in the first place. Im sorry.

It’s OK Sue xx no need to say sorry nor worry about taking time out and thoughtful to let BD posters know.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow as you make contact with GP take best care now.

Sweetpeasue I don't understand why you think you have to apologise for writing about how you feel. Or why you worry about worrying people who are concerned about you.

If I thought that way I would never have joined GN in the first place. But I found people like me on various threads and without them I am able to cope with my life.

I didn't understand what was happening to me crying all the time that's why I posted on this thread. I thought I was trivialising people's mental health problems and did worry I shouldn't have posted. But realised I did the right thing as I have had help and understanding from everyone. And it's helped me sort out what was wrong with me. Without posting I would still be a sobbing mess.

As I have said I have been reading this thread for some time and past on some of the coping mechanisms people have written about to my nephew to help him and glad to say some have. So thank you all .

I haven't posted on this thread for ages and keep reasonably afloat, practising my mindfulness every day etc.
So why am I slipping back at the moment? The thought of a difficult winter ahead maybe. And the feeling that I am a waste of space, no use to anyone. I hope it will pass.
Meanwhile, yes there are some lovely kind people on here.
Best wishes to all of you, especially those with difficult problems to deal with.

Sorry but does anyone know how I get in touch with Lily Gransnet or whatever. For some reason I can't find what I want..
Thankyou so much Whiff and Wyllow3. Welcome henetha. People here are lovely.

Hello again Sue
I tried to pm you about that last night
Email [email protected]
or [email protected]

I find that you often get a quicker response from the Mumsnet one.
Good luck and take it easy