Black Dog 14

Whiff I feel bad about myself feeling this way. My mum died of cancer 23 yrs ago. It was the worst thing Ive ever seen. Symptoms in December - gone 3.mths later. I feel bad that I feel like this and should not
have said so.
You have been through so much and I admire your bravery. It cant have been easy. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me. Thinking about what I want, apart from justice and pain-free, is difficult. I dont WANT anything. I can't see that anything can make me feel of worth. I've always tried to understand others, but I dont understand what's happened or why Drs did this.Thankyou Whiff.
Wyllow Sounds like your counsellor at the time was good and the help was over a longer time than I ve been allotted (12 sessions) I had psychotherapist counselling after my mum died. It didnt go well. She tried to allude that my 'problems' were due to something in childhood that I didnt agree with. Actually, more convince me of. Must have been just a bad counsellor.
Yes I dont like going out or being seen. DH picks up GS from school when it's arranged but I can walk where no one knows me(beach).
I'll be ok. As you say 'The human spirit is remarkable' It's just mine feels unremarkable right now. Ive been waiting for this feeling to pass.
This last 2 years have changed me and Ive been alone a long time.
I wouldnt have 'met' such good people here if Id not been desperate enough to go onto a social media forum. Thanks Wyllow.

Doodle I haven't got a recipe book for the air fryer, I look things up on YouTube. We use the hob more than anything - fajitas last night, stir-fry tonight. GDs half sister took an overdose of Paracetamol (30) on Sunday afternoon and was rushed to hospital. So far, she's got some liver and kidney damage, so I imagine that's being looked at. She's 14 and being bullied at school. The mum is staying at the hospital, 24/7, so our GDs are being looked after by their dad (Son1). Son2 moved into his GF's house in November, after he'd sold his own house. I hope you and your husband had a better night last night. Do you both go to church? It must be nice to feel part of a community.

I hope all on BD has a restful night x

Just to say to anyone who might have watched 24 Hours in A&E - Yes, most Nottingham people say "ey up" and call people "duck". I've never used the word "mardy", though .

Sweetpeasue I never think I am brave I am stubborn and have a temper. But haven't lost that apart from at myself since my husband died. I do have a rant at him at times as I talk to him everyday out loud. Where I used to live I was worried if I didn't talk then I wouldn't want to. Hence my talking out loud everyday. I wish someone could help you see how important you are and how much you are loved and needed.

You must write how you feel because if you don't you hold those feelings in and it will make you feel worse. Please always write how you feel. My oldest and dearest best friend who says we are more like sisters is a counsellor and a really good one. And said the best way to help people isn't to ask questions but just let them talk ,cry ,shout whatever they need as when they where with her it was their time and space to get how they feeling out and not be judged. I know I have hurt myself by holding my feelings in took me years to realise that . So I don't anymore.

Do you have something that you enjoy doing something that totally absorbs you ? I do cross stitch as I needed something to relax me 7 years ago I was under a lot of stress looking after others . I am a member of a multi media craft group. We met every week for 2 hours just so happens most of us have physical or mental health or both problems . It's just a craft group but it's the love of making something that holds us together and we all care about eachother. We are all different and we would never have met another way. No matter how much pain we are in physically or mentally we turn up every week because it makes us all feel better. We have a closed what's app page and keep in touch with eachother daily. I suppose we are our own therapy group. Several have quite serious mental health problems but crafting and talking helps them. Sometimes if someone isn't well enough to do their work they still come because it makes them feel better and know they are safe to talk about how they are feeling . Mind you our group subjects can get racy at times. Our age range is mid 30's to mid 80's . I wish everyone had a group like ours. I am glad I plucked up the courage to walk into the room not knowing anyone and not knowing if they would like me that was in mid 2019. During Covid lockdown it was very hard and it had the knock on effect of effecting their mental health so it was a relief when we could meet again .

Sorry again never know if I make sense.

HowVeryDareYou I hope your granddaughter half sister makes a full recovery and those that bullied her are mad to pay. When I was at school being bullied was viewed as normal. But it's horrible when you on the recieving end of it. I was bullied but I never told my parents and teachers where no use as in the 60's and 70's it was viewed as normal. I made sure my children didn't go through that and when my daughter got bullied I sorted it out . We had always told our children if anyone hits you are hurts you in anyway to fight back. The schools didn't like it but I told them I didn't care as I didn't want my children to go through what I did.

Bullying has gotten worse not better as there is cyber bullying. It doesn't just effect children but adults. There on some on GN that are bullies and have made friends of mind lived hell. Luckily GN sorted them out. But you see it on lot of threads passive bullying where it's there but not bad enough for GN to act. It's sad that people get pleasure from hurting others. I don't understand they mentality.

This group here is like my craft group you just click and help eachother so much. It's a safe place to be yourselves and get support , understanding and most importantly friendship. I hope you realise how valued you all are. And how much you help people I know you help me. You not only help eachother but the people who read but don't post.

Take care of yourselves and get through each day the best way you can . 🌹

Whiff Thank you for your kind thoughts. Our own 11 yer old GD is also being bullied (she's at the same school as her half sister) and the school has been told about it. Some children are so unkind and nasty. They often grow up to be the same. I can't understand why people get any pleasure from it, it must be some way of making themselves feel powerful, perhaps.

Anniebach Has your TV been sorted out yet? Any progress with a wheelchair etc?

How is everyone this morning? It's bright and sunny here, so far. I'm faffing about doing all my favourite things - washing, ironing, and vacuuming. The fun never ends . Hope everyone has a decent day. x

Whiff Thankyou for your kindness. I'll be ok. My cousellor is lovely. Didnt mean she only asks questions. Questions are end of session routine monitoring safety. I hope you have a good day. Its lovely that your move brought you so many friends and a good life.
HVDY Bright here today. Hope your son can get the bullying sorted out. Seems so much of it now. Have image of you tearing around like Julie Andrews now singing 'Favourite Things' while you dust.

Really dont want to go to reading group but probably force myself. Hope you all have a reasonable day.

Afternoon all.

I'm very sorry to hear about the bullying and the paracetamol HVDY. If she is young and healthy she should be OK: I took 70 in 2005 and survived organs intact. But it's a huge wake up call for her family - and the school. Most of all I hope she gets some counselling support now - and the school deals with it! You've had a busy morning everything must look spick and span.

Your craft group sound lovely Whiff, just the ticket. Hope you make it to the reading group Sweetpeasue. Long haul.

I was fortunate that my psychologist this morning was prepared - and able - to do a session via Microsoft teams. It went OK actually no sign of "time limits". Was too tired to go in person and slept afterwards and just pottering since. she finds my "diary" valuable and asked me to send it in advance in future. It was 29 pages covering a month.

Tired best wishes to all other BD's out there.

Scaredycat* holding your sister in my mind.

SweetpeaSue Did you go to your reading group? It poured with rain here all afternoon so I stayed in. Son2 made us some lunch, so I'm just doing dinner - soy and ginger salmon with oven-roasted garlic vegetables (I just throw a load of stuff in the airfryer)

Wyllow Thanks. The girl is apparently seeing, or going to be seeing, a Psychologist. She's improved a little bit but is still unwell. She's small for her age (smaller than our 11 year old), so I don't know to what extent 30 tablets would harm her. Glad your psychologist meeting went well. 29 pages - it's good that you were able to get all that out and on paper.

HVDY I hope GD is OK, but sadly paracetamol overdoses are so common they have very effective drugs now. I'm just SO GLAD she is going to see a psychologist! I am close to heading for getting an airdryer after reading your posts, you know. I'm assuming its cheaper than an oven, especially for one? Is it cheaper to do small amounts for example than heating a whole oven?

so exhausted today just went to bed and watched Father Brown on catch up and so on. Basically it took every little bit of energy I had on the Teams call and we covered some pretty upsetting stuff so I'm not really surprised.

I started keeping the diary last year on January 21st when it all started kicking off big time with Ex. I felt I had to record what was so bizarre no one would believe me or they would think I was exaggerating so I included a lot - the exact abusive words used in texts and sound clips..

Without it the psychologist would not have got me safeguarded adult status (and made sure his MH people had a copy) and much more. And when I came to start with my current counsellor she had - gulp - 330 pages to read, but got a whole picture.

But many times I have written in it in order to express "bad" feelings and by putting them on paper, and knowing they will be read it helps me cope.

Wyllow3 Glad your Psychologist meeting went so well and you were given plenty of time. I didnt realise
that counselling could include writing in diaries. I hope you feel replenished after your rest.
HVDY The soy and ginger salmon sounds delicious. Plus the veg, but I'd have to pass on the garlic. After lots of indecision, I did go to book group. Although I didnt enjoy it, I'm glad I did as I felt Id pushed past my comfort zone. Even felt strange driving after so long but I was fine--only well known local rds. Pleased the poor girl is feeling better. Do hope she gets further help.

Wyllow Your post came in behind me. I see now about the diary and the sageguarding. What a good thing you wrote all this down at the time. It ensured you would be believed.

Still struggling after last night’s upset.

SweetPeaSue- I,m so,sorry,for,how you,are feeling. You have much to live for if you have a family. They love you and need you too. You are a very sensitive and loving person who just needs extra kindness right now. Such a shame you don’t walk in your village - you would probably gather up a few smiles on the way too - wish I could walk with you and chat!! I,ve just seen you went to book group- very brave and I hope driving again will give you the confidence to get out and about a bit more.
Whiff - you seem to see right to the heart of things. Your posts are thought provoking and inspiring.
Doodle- I hope you enjoyed your time at Church - lovely to be there in the beautiful silence. When we visit a church i always light a candle,for those we loved and lost- thank you for your prayers. I hope your DH gets his results soon
My sister is still the same but eating and drinking a little better.
She had a very fast heart rate yesterday so is being monitored very carefully. Still not had the scans she needs so hopefully have them today. Her type of cancer means she is very vulnerable if she gets an infection.
HVDY- that poor young girl - I hope she recovers without any lasting damage. Her little half sisters must have been upset that she has had to go to hospital too.
Bullies have no idea of the damage they do and now they can bully from the safety of their own homes. I,m so,sorry your GD is suffering too. I think you,re right they like the power but are probably the biggest cowards going.
You make the most delicious food .
Wyllow- thank you for your kindness.I,m glad your psychologist meeting went well. I think your diary has been a most invaluable exercise for you. It’s good too,put”stuff”down on paper. When I lost my son and his Dad I used to,write my thoughts down a lot.
Hope you feel better after your rest - love that we can watch programmes on catch up. We are watching His Dark Materials again so we can then watch series 3. Hope you have a peaceful night
Take care all xx

Oh Ellie Anne I missed your post from last night as it was end of the page, or I'd have come in sooner. How terribly distressing! Someone hitting out - because you'd helped - and got involved - so she turns it round...projects it back on you...
I'd feel devastated...have you a mutual contact you can share with?

Back later... just glad you made it Sweetpeasue especially the driving...and that sis is a little better "Scaredycat*.

Wyllow3 About the airfryer - the wattage of it is higher than the oven, but because it is quicker, it works out cheaper, I think. I rarely use the oven, but use a wok or slow-cooker quite a bit. Thank goodness you had written records of everything re your ex.

SweetpeaSue I'm glad you managed to drive ok. You'll hopefully start to feel more confident now that it went alright. I don't drive far, and rarely at night. I love to play my music via Bluetooth on my mobile, when I'm driving, and I have it on loud. I get some funny looks at traffic lights when people see an old biddy like me listening to heavy metal music .

ScaredyCat I hope your sister starts to feel better soon. The hospital will know what to do. Talking about fast heat rates - a man on 24 Hours in A and E last night had a heart rate of 220! The hospital had never seen that before. They got him sorted out, eventually, and he's fine now. I'm on beta-blockers to slow down my heart rate.

The dinner was pretty good, if I say so myself. Son enjoyed it. DH had poached eggs on crumpets . He doesn't like anything too healthy!

Hope all on DB has a relaxing evening x

Scaredycat Its good that your sister is continuing to eat and drink and I really hope she will make a significant improvement very soon. Hope these scans will take place today too. You are so good, you continue to show such support and love to all here despite your worries. I'm so sorry you are having such a distressing time. Sending love and continue to pray for your sister.
EllieAnne It sounds as if this lady is quite a problem if she has upset others too. You must feel incredibly hurt when you were trying to help. I can imagine how I would feel in your place. I really hate conflict, it can make you feel ill, Im not surprised it's affected you so badly. I hope things settle soon but it would be better if when this lady calms down and thinks things over if she could apologise. It will cause a bad atmosphere and its such a shame when you need the support from your church meetings. I hope things get sorted soon.

Hello all. I’m exhausted tonight. Been on the go all day.
Church this morning then blood test at hospital for DH, 2 hours in the optician sorting his new glasses then Waitrose shopping. Cold wet and windy. Glad to get home.
DH has gone to bed. His RLS is bad tonight and he can’t walk it off as he’s so wobbly on his feet.
Wyllow it was lovely in church. Such a nice bunch and so peaceful.
Your session today sounds so positive and the fact you were able to do it online helps. I’m pleased she thought your diary was useful. It’s good to jot things down each day that way you remember how you were feeling and what’s going on.
Dear Ellie Anne I feel for you. That’s the sort of thing that would upset me too even if I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong I would worry about it going over and over what had been said.
Don’t let her put you off going to church. That’s between you and God. If she’s done the same to others then they will know what she’s like. Shame after you’ve been trying to help her too.
I would do what you’ve done. Just avoid contact. Like you I get very upset if I think I have fallen out with someone. We are here for you just try and not let her get to you.
I hope you have a better night tonight. We are all here with you.
Sweetpeasue we all have worth. We are all worthwhile. Your constant pain and not getting answers to your problems is bringing you down.
Funny what you said about your counsellor. When I went to see one about my claustrophobia she too spent a lot of time questioning me about my childhood and my relationship with my parents and my DH. Seemed keen to lay the blame somewhere.
May I ask why you don’t want to meet people?
I’m glad you’ve got your beach to walk on. That must lift the spirits a bit.
You did well to make yourself go to book club even if you didn’t want to go. Like you I only like driving local roads don’t like motorways or going too far,
HVDY I am so sorry for that poor little girl. I hate bullying in all its forms. Also sorry for your DGD going through the same. In my experience schools don’t do enough to stop it preferring to expect the victim to put up with it.
I hope your DGD and her half sister get support from mum and dad and school. I think I remember you saying the 14 year old didn’t get on so well with her half sisters. If so, that’s a shame as they both sound as though they could do with someone to talk to. Your DGDs are lucky to have their dad and you and your DH who have so much contact with them. Does their half sister feel left out do you think or does she have contact with her dad and family?
Yes I think my son is looking on YouTube and also asking advice from friends who have an airfryer too.
Whiff that’s such a nice post. What a wonderful group you belong to. Must be so nice to be there for each other.
I’m glad you’ve found such a group. Must be a comfort.
Scaredycat said some prayers for your sister in church today along with some for the rest of us.
I’m glad your sister is eating and drinking a little more that is progress. I’m sure she’s in the right place to be monitored and kept an eye on.
I’ve watched His Dark Materials too. I enjoyed it but not sure I knew what it was all about 🤣
Annie sending much love x
Sleep well all. I wish you all a peaceful and untroubled night. Just going to check on DH. Hopefully he’s asleep now and the irritation has gone for the time being.

A long long day Doodle.
Just....go whenever you can to your church and any get-togethers.

Having watched to the end of His Dark Materials on I player (and some conversation with DS) I don't get it all at all but it's very allegorical in terms of life, death, religion as in the Inquisition, god et al.
And Lyra as an archetype of Eve who changes the destiny/heals of worlds...it helped to google about the stories a great deal.

(there you go -thats put everyone off).

A thought about therapy/counselling and our families. My sister, who also had lifelong depression on and off, would not examine any possible origins in our family life. She experienced depression as a sort of immovable invasion that only drugs would help. I took another route, that of a lot of therapy.
I have gone into my childhood and can see how my own mum and dads difficulties contributed to mine.

But understanding is very different from blaming or being critical

I think my sister thought she was a bad person even considering my mum and dad were not perfect and wonderful and she just ended up being sort of cursed. Probably afraid of the "opening Pandoras box"'too, but I never talked to her about it, it was a no go area all our lives. (she's not with us now)

We have to choose what's right for us but it is worth considering whether not looking into our childhoods is because we feel we are bad people being even possibly critical of loved parents. I have been able to talk a lot to my other sister who hasn't been ill but is unafraid to try and "understand" things like heavy weights of guilt and avoidance of loss.

Sorry that must have been a puzzle, I had two sisters, the one I talk about the ex doctor , the one with severe depression died of cancer in 2019.

Oh Wyllow Im very sorry about that. It is quite recent too.

Thank you everyone. Doodle that’s exactly what I am doing but am meeting a friend on Sunday after church who is also involved in this situation. She is younger than me but very wise and will try to deal with it biblically and sensibly whereas I get down and panicky. I have to say I’ve always been a bit afraid of the lady who has upset me as she is very forceful.when she was unwell and I was doing shopping for her I always worried in case I got the wrong thing.
Today I am visiting a lovely friend and will show her the messages to see if I am overreacting.
I drank too much last night.
I hope the young girl recovers ok. My 12 year old gd has had problems with bullying too. It’s horrible for them.
Annie and others you are in my thoughts.

Good plan Ellie Anne, I hope so much it goes well with friend today.

Doodle You had a very busy day. I bet you were glad to get to bed. I hope you managed to sleep well. GDs stepsister chooses not to see her dad - he lives locally but has another daughter (8) and doesn't live with her either. He has visited her at the hospital, though.

EllieAnne I think the best thing to do is to avoid all contact with that woman and to keep company with good friends, like the one you were visiting last night.

I hope everyone manages to have a decent day. DH is going to work later today. He's seeing the GP first, about a dry cough he's had for about 2 months. I'm going to the day centre with my SIL. x

How has everyone been today? It's been extremely windy and cold here. GDs stepsister went home today, so that's a relief. She won't be at school for a little while - I hope the headmaster will now sort out the bullying. SIL went to the day centre (1st time back since mid-December). She won both the sweepstakes, so £50! We got our Secret Santa present each. I got a very nice vase, she got a Dove toiletries set, and everyone got a large tin of Belgian chocolate biscuits. A good day x

HVDY what a super day - what a lovely centre. Good to hear GD news too. How long before she gets to see the Psychologist?

I am fed up of waking exhausted each day knowing how little I can do but thats how things are atm. My cleaner comes fortnightly at 9am so I got out to the gym and did my 20 mins walk and 40 mins yoga, home to do a clothes wash, long sleep, bit of admin, and its TV/reading. Tum sticking out like I'm 6 months pregnant so the delights of extra TMI attention.

Current ambitions
*to find myself wanting to do some craft stuff. I have enough energy, but no inclination.
*to want to engage much with people especially my family. It all feels too much
*to get well enough to go to the gym everyday!

But sometimes life has to be in a waiting room, and what matters is to keep self care up.