How to nurse a bad tempered patient at home

Your husband can’t confide in you or talk about it to you because once he’s done that and it’s out there, then it’s real it’s happening…. while you don’t know any details he can pretend to himself that its just you making a fuss
He’s obviously got a definite health problem and is too terrified, without realising, it to bring it out in the open

My friends partner has been diagnosed with some form of stomach cancer and has completely shut her out, not only will he not talk about anything with her, but he won’t engage at all even sleeping downstairs on the sofa he won’t let her go to the hospital with him and won’t tell her anything that was said He is shutting her out completely and she’s as frightened and worried as he must be I think it’s shock and again while you don’t acknowledge it, then it’s not really happening

If your husband is not fit to drive, you have literally no option but to get rid of his car keys and insist he either uses transport provided by the hospital he is going to, or lets you or someone else drive.

Whether you take this route or not, here is what I would do.

I would tell my husband in no uncertain terms that if he is worried to death, so are you. That I neither will put up with not being told exactly what is wrong with him, what and when his hospital appointments are, and if he knows what treatment or tests he will be having that he tells you.

That whatever his emotional difficulties are in coping with what he doubtless is afraid is serious illness, I married him because I loved him and for better or worse. I still love him, and "worse" means sharing the bad times not being excluded and treated like a mentally incompetent child.

If that is what he wants to do, he can start divorce proceedings. If he values our marriage he will honestly discuss his anxieties, his prognosis and TAKE ME WITH HIM TO ALL HIS HOSPITAL APPOINTMENTS!

You probably think I am completely inconsiderate in saying all this, but to my mind you are risking your own mental and emotional health by putting up with your husband's completely unreasonable behaviour.

Thank you ExDancer, good advice too. Hope you soon get to the bottom of your husbands issues and get sorted x

I struggled when I realised I had sleep walked in to being carer for my OH, who is a year younger than me. I have mental and physical health issues, but have taken all the meds and the therapies to reduce the effects they have on me.

Two phrases I took up early where
'Not my circus, not my monkeys!'
And
'i will not let the behaviour of others change my behaviour '
OH has many signs of being a narcissist, and they just love to think their actions make a difference to you, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is often one of the codependencies of Narcism. None of us is perfect, the best you can do is protect yourself by developing a thick skin and ensuring you aren't depriving yourself of the good things because of their behaviour.

Not sure, RakshaMK, how your post relates to what ExDancer is going through, or how helpful it is to her situation.
Thinking of you, OP, and hope your poor husband lets his defenses down soon and allows you in 💐

Definitely talk to his Dr,people can get very abrasive when scared,it is a case of breaking down the wall.Try “I love you very much and want to help,what can I do to help” etc maybe put it in writing if he won’t listen.Really feel for you,do you have family who can help ? Also please look after yourself,meet a friend for lunch so you can talk.People cope with age & illness in different ways,some not very well.

Do you have children? It may be that you can confide in them and ask them to to calmly bring up the subject. If you have a son, he might feel more comfortable to talk to him than you. He can put on his big boy pants and bravado with him but if he divulges what is going on, his confidante may encourage him to talk to you. My daughter managed to get my very embarrassed mother to talk to a GP about her incontinence where I was failing miserably.
Failing that, I would be quite firm with him about the need to know. If he needed an ambulance suddenly, they would be relying on you to feed them information about his condition, especially if he wasn't able to. Take him for a meal and tell him exactly why you need to know. Whilst I would let him know that his silence was causing me anxiety which is just unfair, I would focus on the danger of you not having that information to hand in the event of an emergency. It literally could mean the difference between life and death.

Does your husband have a relative or friend that he trusts and might be prepared to listen to or at least talk to them? I would also try and arrange for someone to be with him for a couple of hours so that you can go out and have a break, whether that is going for a walk or taking the car and going perhaps with a friend for coffee or some tea or whatever might give you a little respite. I think that you need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him. Possibily , you might organise someone to be with him and just go out not stating where you are going (whilst giving your phone number or whatever to the person staying with him) Then when you get back , he may want to know where you have been or say why couldnt he get hold of you and you could say to him that , the way he has felt not knowing where you are , is similar to the way you are feeling constantly as you dont know what is happening. I hope that you are able to get some help and that this will resolve for you.

Your husbands behaviour over A few months is what I put up with over 20 years of his illnesses , they followed one after the other …cancer scare (benign) …stroke….dementia …and finially Alzheimer’s. Through it all I worked full time. …did everything in house and garden and wore myself into 3 strokes …and the ground! I finially threw In the towel , and he’s now in full time care…he’s 76 and I’m 73….my daughter said enough was enough! He didn’t then, and doesn’t now give a damn about my feelings, and I’ve had 20 years of skivviing and bad looks. So how you deal with this recalcitrant man I don’t know. I’m useless at it! But good luck. Some men just turn nasty when they’re proved mortal like the rest of us….yours maybe one.

Make a note of the names of his medication from the boxes then you can look them up on the NHS website so you will know what they are for. Don't go on Google because that will scare you even more.

grandtante Totally agree - this is how I would have behaved with my late husband in these circumstances, sometimes tough love is necessary to break through those annoying walls of male pride and general idiocy.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it is very difficult for you as I know. Perhaps he is trying in a misguided way, to protect you. If he has had bad news that may be his first instinct. He may have given his doctors instructions not to discuss anything at all.
The only thing you can do is tell him he is causing far more hurt by not confiding in you. Bless you both.

He is very scared and also very angry about the situation. If he has kept fit all his life he is wondering why this has happened to him. Next time he goes to hospital insist on going with him and you ask the medical staff what's going on.

I’ve been exactly where you are ExDancer, it’s difficult and soul destroying watching you partner suffer and not leaning on you for comfort. My husband shut me out totally after being given a terminal cancer diagnosis. I knew my normally confident, in control husband now had no control over his future and it turned him into a person who found fault with everything and everyone. He was hell to live with for a while and stretched my patience many times but eventually he seemed to come to terms with his lot and opened up one day to reveal he was terrified and devastated that he wouldn’t see his grandchildren grow up. I made allowances because I couldn’t imagine being in his shoes and carrying on as normal but it’s really hard to watch someone you love hurt and also take it out on you.
He fought like a lion until the end as I knew he would.
I also think it’s a man thing of his era.

grandtanteJE65 and Saetana I cannot believe that you seriously think that would help!

That would make me want to move out if I was him. How dare you demand information and access to those things he is struggling with.
If you can't be kind, back off. If you can threaten divorce when someone is obviously in such anguish I'm sure he will feel further afraid and alone!
Even those who love us have no rights over our body and should not be "demanding" things in this way.
The whole brutal tone of this is staggering.

bobbydog24

It is well known that most men compartmentalise their feelings as a stress avoidance mechanism. This is why they can sit in an untidy messy house and "not notice" that there are jobs that need doing, whereas most women would feel obliged to tidy up. Or they will piddle about in the garage with some job on the car while the kids need getting ready for school.

Men tend to concentrate on the immediate task in hand, in line with their traditional role as hunters and warriors. They file the difficult emotional things away until they are ready to deal with them.

But how do you define 'nursing' - as in the title of the OP
How to nurse a bad-tempered patient at home ?

Does he need nursing?
He appears to be self-caring, mobile and in control, albeit not the way the OP likes it.
He takes a lot of meds - as do many here.
It's just that he doesn't want help with any of this.

Please give him time to come round. All he needs is for someone to show that they care .

There is a problem when a person won't let someone accompany them to hospital appointments, especially if they are very anxious. They may not properly take in and understand the information they are given. This happened with my OH - he completely misunderstood what was involved with a prostate biopsy and refused to have it for months (I couldn't go with him to appt due to Covid). Finally I found good online information that it was a very minor procedure and he agreed to have it.

In OP's case, she should try to insist on going with him as it's important for her to get the correct information in case her OH doesn't process it correctly.

If somebody "insisted" that I do something or allow something, I'm afraid I would dig my heels in and nothing would change my mind. However, logical, reasoning would have a much greater impact. I wouldn't like the thought of hurting my loved one either so if I was making somebody worry more by my silence, I might be more expansive.

What alarms me is 'day 2 of the silent treatment' which sounds as though this is a tactic that has been used before.

Ex-Dancer does have a right to know some facts because her husband's ill-health may well impact on her future; I feel that she has shown him that she cares, and the deliberate exclusion on his part is hurtful and causing her considerable worry. Not the way to treat a spouse: 'in sickness and in health' and he should remember that; it works both ways.

Ex nurse here…
He’s frightened and also very annoyed he cannot function physically as well as he used to and expects to but won’t face up to his fears. Have you tried talking to your GP? You need support in managing this at home, none of this is your fault and you’re doing fantastically just by being there even though it may not feel like that. There are also many heart charities that can help. I’m guessing you have access to the interweb as you’re on here so start googling the uk heart condition charities. As well as support they also offer practical advice and education about different heart conditions. Knowledge is power and will hopefully offer you reassurance as well. You have my full sympathy as it must be so difficult for you when you’re clearly doing your very best to help him.

Thank you Jzpap