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Black Dog 19

(1001 Posts)
Doodle Fri 13-Oct-23 22:36:41

For the support, understanding and sharing of mental health issues.
All are welcome. We treat each other with kindness.

Whiff Tue 28-Nov-23 19:09:53

HVDY estrangement is a living grief . I know how your friend feels. But when your child or children don't want you as their mom it hurts. And if you never see it coming it makes it worse. My son gave me the boot via email. My husband and I didn't raise our children not to face problems they where always able to talk to us about anything . And they still did after he died. I was always their for them . The way my son did it was cruel and cowardly. He was a better man than that. I had a loving and caring son for 32 years. I have know idea where he went or way. For 7 months after I moved here he came every week with his 2 eldest they had lunch with me and usually sent 4 hours here. He told me they got excited when they realised where they were going. They are now 7,5 and their brother is 3 . I knew they where expecting another boy in July 2020 . But I don't know his name or date of birth. As my son sent the email 4 days after he spend hours with me on my birthday. He should have told me to my face I would never see or hear from them ever again. Instead in his email he called me vindictive and manipulative 2 things I have never been .

Luckily I have my daughter and family. My son not only doesn't want me but our side of the family.

The support thread on the estrangement forum saved me and I am no longer alone .

People automatically blame the parents when it's there children who are to blame.

But the pain I feel over my husband dieing hurts far more. I will not let my sin hurt me anymore so I am done . If he wants me he knows where I am. But I will never forgive,or forget what he and my daughter in law have done. And could never trust him again. They think they are perfect parents but they aren't. But I know my 3 grandson's are their world so know they are being well loved and cared for.

Sorry off topic here but I would hate for your friend to think it

Whiff Tue 28-Nov-23 19:10:53

My finger trembled and hit the button.
She was alone .

HowVeryDareYou2 Tue 28-Nov-23 19:28:09

Whiff I can only imagine how hurtful it must be for an adult child to behave like that. My friend has offered to meet her son and his GF at a place halfway, they won't. She suggested they stay at her house but they won't drive, said the baby can't be in a car all that time (2hrs). Whenever she suggests going to see them, they say they're busy/working (both work part-time)/away/ill, always an excuse. I think she's giving up hope of seeing them. They won't even send her a baby photo by text. I'm sorry you're estranged like that from your grandchildren.

HowVeryDareYou2 Tue 28-Nov-23 19:30:27

DH saw the GP re his low mood etc. Told he's got depression, offered "talking therapy" - he'll happily go the entire day without talking to me (never mind anyone else), unless I keep yapping, so that's no good. He's been prescribed Sertraline. We'll see how that goes. Hope ALL BDers have been ok today. x

Doodle Tue 28-Nov-23 20:03:11

HvDY I’ve read a lot in the papers recently about GPS offering talking therapy for depression. I suppose it might help some but I’m glad your DH has got some medication. Hope it works and helps him.
Have a lovely day with baby tomorrow. Have you brought her a Christmas outfit?
Ellie Anne I hope you didn’t think we were getting at you but I do think sometimes we don’t realise how worried others can be and take it as interfering. When I had my recent illness I didn’t tell my sons because they were in holiday. By the time they got back I was ok but they were both really cross with me for not telling them. They explained why and when I listened to them I realised I was wrong and I promised them faithfully that I wouldn’t keep anything from them again.
You are independent and I understand that but sometimes we need to let others share the load or be concerned.
I’d go to the appointment and let the nurse run some tests perhaps she might refer you to the GP herself.
Hope you’re feeling better now and your day went well.
Whiff as ever a thought provoking post. Threads in GN can sometimes be a lifeline for people.
Wyllow Scaredycat thinking of you x

Sweetpeasue Tue 28-Nov-23 22:45:45

HVDY I'm glad your DH is starting ADs. I never thought my DH would ever want or need them as he never ever has admitted to any 'weaknesses' (or what he feels could be weaknesses) in all our married life. He's on Sertraline too, though the GP that prescribed them for him has not suggested any follow up. He is struggling right now so he will see GP again next week for a higher dose.
Only saying this as I'm guessing your DH may be the same and not used to having any clinical Depression. So hope it helps. Your DH has had a lot to cope with (illness)and retirement is difficult enough for a man without ill health. X

Wyllow3 Tue 28-Nov-23 23:59:01

Night night all BD's xx

Whiff Wed 29-Nov-23 06:55:11

Glad to see you still checking in Wyllow. Hope you feel the clouds lifting soon. And hope you are talking to your Quaker friends .

Men think they always have to be the strongest when in fact women are stronger. They feel they shouldn't talk about any weakness they feel as it's not what men do. Think it's a generation thing. Younger men nowadays seen able to talk about their feelings. But men like my husband and brother and like me born in the 50's think it's a sign of weakness to admit they are struggling physically and mentally. Where woman are more open and talk about how they feel.

I know when my husband was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma and given 5 years to live. The skin McMillan nurse told us about a skin cancer support group but my husband didn't want to go and just wanted to talk to me. It would have helped me but I wouldn't have gone without him . And after his cancer was removed only me and the children knew he wouldn't live. He didn't want to be treated differently or as he said dead man walking. He couldn't have handled people watching him or seeing pity. He wanted a normal life so we did what he wanted. He was adamant we acted the way we always had and did what we always did. That included arguments even when he was terminal. When we had to tell people he was terminal what he feared happened and people treated him to so he cut them out of his life. I had to warn my parents not to treat him differently or he wouldn't see them and my parents loved him like a son. He's own mother just said oh and after he died denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren. It wasn't grief as she and my father in law where vile people. He told me I was defective but at least he said it to my face.

My brother had chest pain he already has permanent AF and 2 stents in his heart and insisted he fine. But my sister in law called an ambulance he had a bad chest infection which took 2 courses of strong antibiotics to get rid of.

I liken what I call a man's man to a silver backed gorilla always having to be strong and protect everyone and any sign of weakness is not being a man.

They are fools as it takes courage to admit that there is something wrong. That's

Whiff Wed 29-Nov-23 07:10:21

Finger trembled and pressed post. 🤦 That's why I nagged my husband,dad and brother. Torn strips of my dad and brother for worrying my mom and sister in law. I made appointments for my husband and threaten to drag him to them.

They don't realise how much they worry us when we can see they are suffering. But we wouldn't love them if they where any different. Catch 22 .

Take care all and hope the men in your lives get any help they need. As it's horrible when they die. To lighten that thought my husband said I would nag him to death but said that wasn't me but the sun's fault not my nagging. He then grabbed me and kissed me until I started to laugh.

HowVeryDareYou2 Wed 29-Nov-23 08:21:00

Doodle I've bought the baby a few outfits, as well as cuddly toys and ones that make a noise or do something (Fisher Price things). I've bought everyone's presents and wrapped them. I hope you and your husband are feeling a bit better day by day.
Doodle and SweetpeaSue DH has never taken ADs in his life and never been like this before (even when his parents died etc). Until he had an enlarged prostate, I'd never known him to go to the doctor's. I hope your husband gets the dosage right soon.

Whiff Men are very different to us, aren't they - my eldest son is "in touch with his feelings" and he's been on ADs for a few years now, following a breakdown over his ex and the children. Son2 had depression when he was 19, I took him to the GP and did all the talking! He was fine after a course of ADs but his Eczema becomes absolutely terrible when he's stressed (as he is at the moment). You and your husband obviously had a very strong love between you. His parents sounded awful, so it was good that he had you.

It's Chubby Chops day - she'll be here at about 10, so I'd better sort myself out. Hope ALL BDers manage to see a bit of sunshine today x

Ellie Anne Wed 29-Nov-23 13:03:45

Doodle I have to admit that I did feel a bit got at and wished I hadn’t posted. Because I don’t share anything with dh it’s made me very reticent with everyone except a few close friends.
I’ve now discovered that dd has sent an email to my dr surgery and I do feel she had no right to do that but I m not saying anything.

HowVeryDareYou2 Wed 29-Nov-23 13:13:21

EllieAnne I certainly didn't mean to make you feel "got at", but wanted you to see that your AC are worried about you (even if their attempts are somewhat clumsy). Have you spoken with your doctor?

Ellie Anne Wed 29-Nov-23 14:47:18

Hvdy I have an appointment next Thursday but it is with the nurse. Didn’t realise that till I had left the surgery

Doodle Wed 29-Nov-23 15:42:23

Ellie Anne Im really sorry if I’ve upset you. I didn’t mean to criticise your thoughts or feelings in any way only to say your DD may have done what she did out of concern.

Hmmm. Not sure I agree with her writing to your Gp though. I think she should have talked to you. She is obviously worried. Were you perhaps in a worse state than you think. You must have frightened her for this response I think. Sending you a hug and an apology 🤗
Whiff my father was definitely of the generation that never went to the doctors. Everything was brushed off. He hated hospitals. Fortunately, DH is different. I think perhaps because he started being ill quite young and has had so many things wrong with him he kind of accepts it as a way of life (mind you he hates hospitals too)
HVDY have a lovely time with the baby. I’ve just started looking online for presents.

Felling really rough today. The cough won’t let up and I feel exhausted. Been for chest X-ray today. 3rd day of antibiotics today so hoping for some improvement soon.

Scaredycat Wed 29-Nov-23 16:30:02

Doodle- My niece’s appointment was cancelled because the patient before her had complications arise so her Op took a lot longer and so my niece took the hit and was cancelled.
I was worried in case she had a problem - hope it’s not too long before it’s rescheduled. She was so nervous.
You and your boys have a really good balance of care and independence . There will always be times when we need each other - it’s a circle of love.
Sorry you feel awful today - coughing is exhausting. Hope the antibiotics kick in soon.
HVDY- I feel so sorry for your friend - her heart must feel broken by such indifference from her children.
Hope the Sertraline helps your DH as much as it has helped me. He must have felt bewildered by the depression. My DH had never felt depression until he had cancer and has taken a low dose ever since. Your poor boys have suffered too - the eczema must be so debilitating sometimes.
I,m envious you,ve done all your wrapping- I keep putting it off there is so much.
Have a great day with Chubby Chops.
EllieAnne- there will be times in the future when you might need help from your Children, I think your daughter was frightened by what happened to you and just wanted to make sure you were safe. I understand how you feel as perhaps her way of dealing with it was a bit clumsy.
It’s sad that your relationship with DH affects your confidence with others who care about you.
So glad you have an appointment - perhaps you could confide a bit to the nurse about how you feel.
Whiff- once again a post full of emotion and love. DH sounds a lovely and funny man such a shame he had such unkind parents. I agree it does take courage to admit when things are not right- even Silverbacks need help sometimes!
SweetPeaSue- glad you know what your chest pain is - it must be frightening when it happens.
If you are unable to do as your GS Mum has asked please do not beat yourself up about it- you and DH are not well at the moment and that is too much pressure for you both. It’s dark after school and lots of traffic and you,ll be exhausted. She knows you would help if you could.
Yes hope you can restart ADs very soon.
Nadateturbe- Sorry you had a problem to deal with yesterday - hope today is better. With our ‘invisible’ conditions it is not easy for people to understand - which can be very frustrating can’t it. No wonder the Chocolate was calling to you!!
Wyllow- hoping some moments of your day are feeling a bit brighterxxx
Candy,Nanny,Allsorts, Fishwife,Bea65,Hymnbook, and any I,ve forgotten wishing you a restful eveningxxxx

nadateturbe Wed 29-Nov-23 18:00:29

Good evening everyone, I'm not posting atm, been busy, just to say EllieAnne, sorry if we upset you, I think we were just trying to make you feel's good to share. I think maybe find a nice way to tell your daughter you appreciate her caring, but please don't contact your GP.

HowVeryDareYou2 Wed 29-Nov-23 18:38:02

EllieAnne See how the appointment goes. Have you met that particular nurse before?

Doodle I do hope the cough will improve soon. Coughing all the time can be so draining (my DH gets like that). It's good that you've made a start with the online presents shopping.

ScaredyCat I hope your niece gets her operation soon.

BabyDoll has just gone. She's such an easy, happy little soul smile. DIL is moving all the rest of her stuff (big things like white goods will need to be sold) into Son2's on Dec 18th. Hopefully, her DD will have a place at the new school by then. DH is just doing him and me something quick to eat. Hope ALL BDers have been ok today x

HowVeryDareYou2 Wed 29-Nov-23 19:16:56

DH has just had an email to say he's got an appointment to see an Endocrinologist about this nodule on his thyroid - 25th January (it will be just a bit over a year by then since he first saw a GP). Glad it's going to be looked at x

Doodle Wed 29-Nov-23 21:09:24

Sorry can’t type more tonight. So exhausted with coughing.
Love to all x

nadateturbe Wed 29-Nov-23 23:00:49

Will answer people tomorrow.
Hope your cough lets you sleep Doodle.
Love to everyone x

Wyllow3 Thu 30-Nov-23 00:25:06

Night night to al BD's xx

Sweetpeasue Thu 30-Nov-23 10:58:04

HVDY So glad at long last your DH's appt has come through. Not before time! Hope you're OK today. Had snow most of day yesterday. Still around now but just sleet and rain showers.
Doodle Really hope you managed to sleep last night and the wretched cough didn't keep you awake.

Hope everyone OK. PM appt this afternoon. x

Doodle Thu 30-Nov-23 16:19:54

Sweetpeasue surprisingly I did sleep well. All the coughing in the evening did subside. I’ve now got a more ‘productivé cough which is good I think.
I’m hoping your appointment goes well and you’re happy with the outcome.
Wyllow keep on posting please x
HVDY that’s good news about your husband’s appointment. It’s been a long wait.
Glad you had a lovely time with the baby and things are going well for your son and DIL.
nadateturbe a perfectly out post I think and I agree with you.
Scaredycat those cancelled ops happen often. It’s happened to DH in the past and my own op was cancelled too. Then suddenly I became the emergency and someone else had to lose their place. I do hope your niece gets seen soon.
I must admit I hope I feel better soon. Not for me but I need to be fit to look after DH. He relies on me totally at the moment as he can’t get around much. I phoned the DN today to discuss his poor heels. Thankfully they decided a visit tomorrow was needed.
Take care all.

nadateturbe Thu 30-Nov-23 21:28:57

Whiff it's very sad what has happened with your son, and not knowing why. So cruel. I feel for you. And I'm so sorry you still grieve so much for your husband. But you are so brave the way you keep making the most of life. Your husband would be proud of you.

It's good to know others understand the feeling of not being understood because as Sweetpeasue said its not like a leg in plaster. I have had some odd looks when I use my blue badge. People don't realise you have to use every ounce of energy wisely, and it might give out suddenly. You can't change attitudes, you have to change your reaction.
I talked to my sister about the problem and she gave me good advice and was very helpful. I was being asked to collect someone and take them home after our lunch (aunts and nieces), which I didn't have enough energy to do.

Doodle I'm glad to hear you had your sons to help. They sound very caring, and as Scaredycat said it seems well balanced.
I hope the appointment tomorrow helps your husband. You both are having so much to cope with x.
Glad you slept well last night and I hope your chest clears soon. But take it easy.
HVDY glad you had a nice lunch with your friend. Its sad about her son not keeping in touch. I don't understand children. I know they are busy with their lives, but I couldn't have gone a long time without seeing my mum. I loved her too much
I hope the sertraline helps your husband. It's a pity he won't talk to a therapist, but I think many men are like that. I'm glad he has an appointment with the endocrinologist, but a full year to get to this stage is not good.
My son is depressed atm and I was able to talk to him and advise him about possibly getting some ADs thanks to this thread.
I always bought my children Fisher Price toys, I loved them.

Scaredycat circle of love, yes that's how it should be.
I'm glad that ADs have helped both you and your husband. It's useful to read others experience of taking them. I always had a fear of needing them.
I suppose complications must happen sometimes with operations. I hope the patient concerned is OK. And I hope your niece gets her op soon. Its an anxious time waiting again.
I too am not looking forward to wrapping presents, writing cards. It's not the pleasure I would like it to be. Time seems to go so fast these days.

Sweetpeasue how are you? How did your appointment go today?

Good evening to Wyllow3 and everyone else, hope you are all right tonight.

HowVeryDareYou2 Thu 30-Nov-23 21:41:59

SweetpeaSue The gritter lorry came up our road last night (it's a steep hill at both ends) and we'd had a light dusting of snow in the night, so I had to scrape the windscreen this morning (I miss my Ford for having a heated front windscreen). How was the pain management appointment?

Doodle I'm glad your cough has loosened a bit. Your poor husband, too. I hope he gets sorted out with his heels.

nadateturbe I hope your son accepts some help with his depression. A lot of people don't like the idea of taking ADs, but most people will experience depression at some stage in their lives, so if tablets can help, why not? My brother was reluctant to take them, but he's been on them about 6 months and can cope better with things now.

My brother rang and he'd visited his son (he's at home). Despite having lung cancer which is also in his kidneys and brain, he feels ok and is going to go back to work next week shock.

Wyllow, Candy, Whiff, ScaredyCat, EllieAnne and ALL BDers - hope you've all been ok today. Love to all, for a restful night x

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