Black Dog 22

Doodle- ah what you are feeling is natural. After the first couple of weeks which are so unreal and busy now the reality is setting in. The tears are never far away but let them come- I didn’t and suffered so much years later. It will be a very busy surreal day tomorrow but you will get through it with the help of your family and people you care about. Take each day at a time - let your feelings out. When the sun shines get out and feel the warmth . That pointless feeling will not last - life will not be the same but will still be one worth living. You are much loved.

ScaredyCat Wetherspoons is good. Great value, too. What did you photograph? Nice to see the sun, for a change. Our balloon ride was bought as an early morning one (our sons really weren't thinking!) but we'd have needed to be up at about 3am to get ready and get from Nottingham to Derbyshire for 5am! I paid another £70, I think, to change it to an evening flight.

Doodle You must be feeling very sad. I'm sure we'll all be thinking about you even more tomorrow.

Doodle I've just lost my post to you which I'd tried to connect as best I could. I don't think this one will be the same but I know anyhow I'm helpless to comfort you in the slightest.
I've not been through the experience of losing the other part of you , your other half, so I don't know how very traumatic that must be-can only imagine- though I know how dreadful it was to lose my mum. Scaredycat has such kind words for you and all I can say is my heart aches for you .
I feel such sadness that things have turned out this way.
When I lost my mum , at first, it didn't seem real, but when reality sinks in , I would wake and howl.
Wish I could fast forward some of your pain until things are a little easier to bear , though I understand there will always be that loss.
I hope you can take comfort in those few last days with him in the sun at the hospice that your DH felt more at peace than in the hospital.
My heart aches for you and I'm sure you will be busy with organising the funeral and it's no wonder your head is so full and you're restless.
Just one day at a time Doodle.
God bless you and give you some peace and comfort you my friend. X

Doodle - hope all goes well tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you. My husband died six months ago. I miss him so much but things are gradually improving. Bad days and better days. My best wishes to you at this sad time.

HVDY Crossed fingers for the 29th and your balloon ride! Your quiche, salad , coleslaw and new potatoes is my kind of meal. Son did more brown food for barbie 😂 He loves his meat but he put together a gorgeous rice bowl with tiny diced cucumber, peppers, and pomegranate with lemon and lime.
Your college studies were far more suited to the world of work than mine-though I did enjoy my subjects but not the exams!
I think I'd like to be fitter too and could do with losing a stone. You are going to such a close GM to chubby chops. My DGS said the other day when he was here and playing 'football' how old are you? and Grandmother's don't normally play football! Haha.
Nadateturbe Hope you are OK. Not forgot about you. We finally planted my new climbing rose today and I thought of you. The Rose's name is 'Mary Delaney' and I don't happen to have another Irish friend!

Scaredycat So kind of you to find some merit in simple things --I hardly recognised myself! My book group is U3A and there are other subjects. I am feeling so much better in myself lately and I know it's partly to do with the ADs as well as the MH help. Such a kind and thoughtful post to Doodle. I know we will all be thinking of her tomorrow.
Wyllow I hope the hard day ahead that you spoke of hasn't turned out too bad whatever it was. So good that you have a good worker that you can talk freely too and she sounds so warm-hearted too. A proper real life hug means so much when you are so lonely and isolated. We all just want you to get well and for your poor heart to be mended. X

Thank you all for your kindness. I was in two minds as to whether or not to be truthful about how I was feeling but if I can let it out then our thread must be the place.
Scaredycat and adrisco thank you. Hearing from others who have experienced this loss helps give me hope.
Sweetpeasue you always have such kind words. I do appreciate it.
HVDY thank you. I know you’re all with me.
Bless you all x

EllieAnne As we have all said ,you certainly are not feeble. You have great strength to carry on in such sad circumstances and you do so much for your son and DIL and DGC. You are there for your DD when it's difficult to communicate at times but you do your very best. You are a great friend to the lady you visit with the damaged difficult son and have braved some frightening situations in order to support her. I'm not sure I'd be as brave. Please don't underage yourself. Feeble? Not you EllieAnne.

CandyWhiff**Allsorts**Nanny and sorry if any forgotten. Hope all are OK and wishing all a peaceful night from troubles.x

So kind sweet pea sue. I do try.
Hvdy could also do with losing a stone.
Doodle thoughts and prayers are with you.

Doodle My love and thoughts to you for tomorrow, and of course, after.

Read BD's news - will catch up tomorrow

Night night all xx

Doodle always be truthful how you feel. Today will be hard for you and it makes it final Mr D has gone. You will have lots of people around you and to be honest they will say all the platitudes and you will feel like screaming I don't want this it's not real . Some people will think the funeral is the end for your sadness and heartbreak but it's not . It just makes it real Mr D will never be there for you. Up until know you know he died but if like me it just didn't seem real even though I was with him when Mr W died. He was a joker and kept wishing he would pop up and say got you. Sounds odd I know but it's how I felt . The funeral makes it real .

We just had the one car and hearse but I had told them not to drive very slowly Mr W was a speed demon so we went at the speed limit. When we got to the crem it was full of people waiting to go in . Many where crying. But strange as it seems me and the children had an unspoken pact we wouldn't cry because we knew a lot of people would be coming from all over the country. The funeral in front of us over ran and remember saying he would hate this as he hated queuing and the 3 of us laughed. I could hear my parents crying behind us . His mom was silent.

As we are atheists we had a none religious service and we didn't like flowers at funerals so the coffin was bear . We sat me in the middle and we held hands. We didn't have hymns but pop music . Our daughter picked a Franz Ferdinand song to go in too,when the coffin descended it was a Damien Rice song and when we left it was Mr Blue sky by ELO which was ironic as it was raining then.

The funeral director did the eulogy and it was all about my husband as he had been to the house and listened to what we had said about my love of my life. Remember hearing people crying and thinking he would hate this. It was packed and people where standing . The time went quickly. We where very glad we didn't cry as there where so many to thank for coming . We didn't have a wake as I never liked going to them.

The car took the 6 of us back to our house and my parents took my mother in law home as soon as we where dropped off. 3 of my daughter's friends had hied a car and driven over 100 miles to be with her. She didn't want her boyfriend there as she said she wouldn't have kept it together. Which I agreed with. The 4 of them went out for something to eat before they drove back . My son went out with his best friend.

I was glad I was alone just didn't want anyone expect my husband and cried that much I feel asleep.

People think the funeral is the end but it's not it's just the beginning of the fact this is your life now. My dear Doodle also it's a time you find who your real friends are. My husband's family disappeared apart from his mom but she denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren. We where lucky it was only his family disappeared so it was lovely to know how loved my husband was and how many people cared about us.

Because of no flowers we raised over £5,000 for the cancer ward that treated my husband. And that money was used for the patients not for their care but things that would make their lives easier like a fan ,or bottle of something nice to drink etc.

The next day it really hit me this is my life now . I was 45 and my husband was 47 when he died and the thought of spending the next 30 years on my own terrified me. Our daughter stayed a week and had to go back to uni as it was her final year and our son went back to college it's what I wanted as they had to have their lives .

I have said before I foolishly thought I had to be brave for everyone else. And fought my grief until I went to bed .
After the funeral it's a waiting game while probate goes through. It's a surreal time . I couldn't sort out my husband's clothes for 8 months in the end my daughter helped me. Because of his eczema he didn't wear our use scented shower gel but his pillows smelt of him and I put a coat of his that smelt of him a plastic bag in the wardrobe to smell . I wore or heal one of his jumpers but only in private. After he died I slept cuddling a toy snowman he won at the GP raffle for 8 months. It's 20 years since Mr W died and still sleep on my side of the bed and hate the empty side.

In the early years I always knew I had had a bad night as I woke up on his side of the bed.

Today is going to be hard for you today but sad to say tomorrow will be worse . If you want to be alone tell people don't be brave as you will hurt yourself more than you are already are. But please don't hold your feelings in scream ,shout ,swear hit a pillow anything that makes you feel better. I remember shouting at my husband for leaving me but then I saw him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better.

I can't say things will get better and your grief will lesson and you have all the firsts to come which will be hard. But so are the 2nd 3rds etc. grief like true love never dies but over the coming weeks ,months and years it will only get worse you just learn to cope.

By the end of today you will be worn out and exhausted. So rest and get an early night even if you can't sleep stay in bed and rest . I have said before I felt like walking through treacle . But for me I had the children had home for 2 years and they left like I wanted . But I had no life as I had parents and mother in law to look after. And it cost me health wise but I did what I had to because my conscience wouldn't allow me not to . Even looking after a woman I hated for 40 years. But she was family and I was brought up you don't turn your back on family plus thinking back it must have pissed her off.

Doodle get through today the best way you can . If you are having a wake but find it overwhelming leave no one will think badly of you . Today is about not just your husband but the love and life your shared .

My thoughts will be with you and all those who love you both . 💐

Thinking of you Doodle

Thank you for being with me all of you. Today was a day of some tears but lots of smiling and happy memories. Tributes to DH from our sons and grandchildren held fond memories and laughter. The sun shone and we were all outside by the river he loved so much. It was quiet and peaceful. I am so very tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. Sorry for short post. Be back tomorrow. 💕

Thank you so much Doodle for coming in and telling about your day. I hope your sleep is as good as it can be. x

Doodle So glad you've shared the happy memories today, they are always with you and your family.
Absolutely no apologies necessary. Wishing you a peaceful night dear Doodle and thankyou for letting us know how it all went. Much love ❤️

Doodle have sweet dreams about Mr D. Glad the sun shone for you. 💕

Sweetpeasue hello, thanks for thinking of me. . I'm OK.
I'm very low in energy and concerned about my son who has left his partner, and my daughter who isn't very well and also very stressed at the minute. (daughter, not me.) Which is tiring.
Normally when I post on BD it takes at least an hour and a half. I just unfortunately can't manage atm.
I have read all the posts and there is so much I would like to say, I'll try to post on Monday. I have things I must do tomorrow. So Sunday is a rest day. I have to rest alternate days.
Strange thing, I've spent so much time in the house recently I ran out of jigsaws, went to art on Monday and a friend said I have a surprise for you after class in my car. Surprise was 5 jigsaws some not even opened. Someone was looking after my needs!
I'm so glad you're managing a bit better now Sweetpeasue. You certainly sound better. And have written some very caring words to people.
HVDY Scaredycat EllieAnne Zakouma66 Whiff Wyllow3 Candy
have read your posts and thinking of you all.
Dear Doodle I was thinking of you today as I do every day and praying for you. I'm sure it was good to share all those memories with your family, I'm glad the sun was shining which probably helped a little. I hope you have some peaceful sleep tonight. Sending much love.xx

Good to see you in nadateturbe so sorry about family troubles.

Very tired, so will wish all BD's night night xx

Nadateturbe So sorry to hear of family circumstances. You have so much on your plate with your own illness that it will have set you back enormously and I understand what it's like when AC are going through such bad times. They're always our 'children' and we hurt when they hurt.
What a lovely friend -to gift you those jigsaws! She must realise how you value them to relax and take your individual off troubles.

Well I've had a real shock, and afraid I've had a row with DH over it. He had message on phone that his Rheumatology appt put back till next January.
He's ill- no doubt about it. Constant headache, throbbing and stabbing in temples and constant flu-like severe fatigue. The lovely GP has persistently ignored our visits-on the wrong track- and believed DH's headaches are caused by worries about me. In writing to Rheumatologist and putting in letter that I have done reading on TA and think it's that , I think he may have skewed the situation. It was meant to be a letter to bring forward the appt! He'd also put we were thinking of going private(we were/are) but why did he do this? Because he thinks I'm paranoid because of MH issues and my past experience with Dr's? I don't know but I've had hell of a night.Cried tears of anger and frustration and fear.
Trying to get appt with another GP on Monday - though she may not be there- DH finally realising we're in a corner.
So scared- his headaches continue.
I've read of a FTP - fast track pathway- for suspected TA , so will bring this up with next GP appt. Obvs we will need to go private - but how much influence will our nice but completely misguided GP have on next Rheumatologist .consultant?
Such a frightening situation but need to stay calm. DH realising, I think that we need to kick up a fuss. Could bloody kill him for being so 'nice'.
Sorry all. Just needed to get this out .

Sweetpeasue I'm so sorry about this. That was indeed a shock. I don't know why your GP wrote what he did. Maybe he thought it would help - have you read the letter he sent?
I do think though that January is too far away. Many people are having appointments put back. If I were you I would get a GP referral and go private for the consultation and test. You can check with the private clinic for an idea of cost. You could also contact your MP and tell him simply how much your husband is suffering and how long the wait is. My MP has been able to help bring tests forward in the past.
I feel so sorry for you both. It's difficult not to get frustrated and argue when you are so worried and your poor husband is suffering so much. And I do think he deserves better treatment. I think you need to be assertive and do what you think is necessary at this stage and be insistent with DH. Maybe he feels so ill that he just can't cope with doing anything about it.
I hope you've settled a bit and are getting some sleep. Hugs.xx

Thanks Wyllow3. Sleep well. x

Sweetpeasue I may be misunderstanding here but if can have the rescources to go private, why wait? Its wrong, we shouldn't have to of course but needs must.

I pay through the nose for all sorts of things which keep me afloat eg physio, therapy, dental and so on.

We must value ourselves. The system is broken for sure.

but how much influence will our nice but completely misguided GP have on next Rheumatologist .consultant?

Any consultant should be doing his/ her job professionaly.

You can change GP?

Doodle I'm glad the sun was shining and you all shared happy memories of your husband. I hope you slept a bit better x

nadateturbe We worry about our children even when they grow up. Both of my sons went through the same thing of leaving their partners, which was upsetting, but both are happier now with their current partners. Your son will get through it. All you can do is offer a listening ear if/when he needs to talk. Hope your daughter soon feels better and less stressed, too.

SweetpeaSue January is too long for your husband to wait! My husband has had his hospital appointment postponed 3 times now, until August (from November last year) but your husband is ill. He can't carry on like that. Would he go to A&E? (is there any point in doing so) or ring 111 to try to get seen by someone soon? In telling the GP you were considering going private, they're probably hoping that's what you'll do.

Wyllow3, EllieAnne, ScaredyCat, Whiff, Candy6, zakouma66 and ALL BDers - hope you manage to have a decent day x

Thanks, flat as a flatty thing right now. Will pull on trews and force self out of the door.