BLACK DOG 25

Back later as I've had a good day, but of course I'm very tired when I sit down!

I think, since I went for my bloods today with my carer, and it was so very straightforward, if I can find a lift I will "women up" and be able to do it. Thank you for your concerns.

(0f course, me and carer then went on to such an enjoyable natter - almost shared counselling and so many laughs, that we arranged an extra hour on the spot, but am all talked out.)

Well done on the aqua, HVDY, and ironing.... as it's a no go except exceptional circs here... respect.

Scaredycat, that was a very poignant time for you today at the Graveyard. A sad, and loving, time there. You have lived through so much, and come through compassionate not bitter.

You are very very right, its the confidence, especially on motorways, although in fact a motorway that is not crowded is far easier than a town or winding country roads.

I had a bit of a baptism of fire on that one. One thing Ex was good on was cars, and a year or so before it blew up, he chose a nice, safe, Volvo, not top of the range, but it felt so safe and has the power to react quickly as well as the features that help like auto braking, enough power to get you out of trouble quickly on a motorway.

So the tale, very sad and but happy, was that when it all started with Ex on his last big breakdown, I needed a break badly. the first time my family collected me and dropped me off.

Anyway, the next time I was desperate to get away:
I just got in the car, and drove all the way to their house. Needs must, and I enjoyed the challenge.

But I wouldn't dream of driving abroad now, of course, as you once did.

Scaredycat The years go by so quickly now that I find it scary when anniversaries of our loved one's passing arrive yet again. Wyllow is right about your so very sad losses and what you have experienced,as you never sound bitter and seem to have such a bright outlook on life. I hope you felt close to your son and his dad today at the cemetery. A hug coming your way.
Wyllow It's lovely you have that special carer. Thankyou for that song link( the one after Simple gifts had lovely calming words).
It's a good thing you have ex's friend to find out info about ex's condition as I think it would be too risky communicating with ex himself. As others have said, your own MH comes first.
Thankyou for funding out that info about burning stuff. I should have said that the neighbour has sold his house and bought another so it's just a matter of waiting it out a bit I think. He's been friendly with DH but the burning has got out of hand now. He had fire last night and again this morning. Not sure what he's burning now - he finds allsorts and is rather eccentric.
Doodle I've never actually been to a live musical show but I like the old Rogers n Hammerstein films and most of Andrew Lloyd Webbers. It must be nice to draw - I'm afraid I've never been able to draw at all. Hope you've been OK today - well as OK as your days can be right now.
HVDY Had thunderstorm here this afternoon and lots of rain this morning. Now the sun has come out. I'm not good in heat either but know some people who never seem to get enough of it. I let ironing build up when it's hot then have lots to do at once ,though the 'lots' is nowhere near it was when I'd sons at home. You did well with your aqua-aerobics.
EllieAnne Sorry you're still so low but good to see your post.

Took Fluff for a woodland walk yesterday- no more than about just over a mile but was lovely. There were large wooden sculptures of animals and she stopped abruptly on coming face to face with a fox one and jumped back n forth.
Book group this afternoon- small group again so good.
Hospital appt tomorrow and so nervous that DH will get full attention and investigative procedures.

Hope everyone has had a decent day and has a peaceful night.x

Sweetpeasue, I so wish I had had your weather - the garden is so demanding for me when it’s drying out all the time. I like rain there days. I love a dramatic thunderstorm, please send directly.

My experience it that it is harder to live with the heat as I have grown older. I used to delight in every minute of it, not so now at all.

The woodland walk with Fluff sounded very calming.

Ending by wishing you the very best for tomorrow.

**

Today’s U tube is perhaps one of the best songs ever written. Listen and see if you agree!
Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence Live performance.

Love should bring the world together not apart.
Silence in the song means not speaking out against injustice, personal, and political (with a small "p)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAEppFUWLfc&list=RDNAEppFUWLfc&start_radio=1

Ellie Ann, walking with you.

Scaredycat. You are always so considerate and thoughtful in your posts yet you have had such terrible losses in your life.
I hope today you found some comfort being at the cemetery and laying flowers. I can imagine all the thoughts going round in your head. The passing years don’t make it hurt less.
Sweetpeasue. What a lovely woodland walk you had. Glad you’re still going to book club. Hoping and praying your DH will have good treatment tomorrow
HVDY. Cooler here too thank goodness. Was the water cool in aqua aerobics. Too hot for ordinary exercise that’s for sure.
Your DIL and her little girl will have such a lovely time in London together.hope they enjoy it.
Wyllow your carer sounds so nice and helpful. Another good day . You are doing so well.
Ellie Anne I hate to think of you being so sad and down. Wish there was something to be done that would make you feel happier.

Doodle You don't say about your day. I hope it's not been too bad. I just don't know what to say. If I was you , I'd not take much notice of others who have not lost their nearest and dearest other half. Sending love as always.
Wyllow Thunderstorm not quite as dramatic as you think but so much cooler outside just now and yes, garden smells fresh.
I absolutely LOVE Simon and Garfunkel songs. The Sound of Silence is an incredible song , as far as I'm concerned, and the words are just brilliant. Don't think there's ever been the equivalent to those wonderful artists.

ScaredyCat You've had so much sadness, but you care for us all here. Your memories of your husband and son will never leave you but I hope you remember them both with a lot of love now.

SweetpeaSue Your walk with Fluffball sounds lovely. One of our local parks has got wooden carvings, too. Glad you're enjoying book club. The very best wishes for your husband's appointment tomorrow. It's been extremely windy here today, which has been good for drying washing. Much better weather.

Wyllow3 It's great that you get on so well with your carer. She must be a very nice person.

EllieAnne Hope your worries are sorted out soon.
Doodle The water was so refreshing for aqua aerobics.

Did the ironing, sold a few more things on Vinted (and bought a few more dresses), did the cleaning. Jaffa's better in himself. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Good night there, and a warm wave to Doodle, glad you came in.

Wondering how the larger group of BD's are doing, do post!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zytX4zFQfw&list=RD-zytX4zFQfw&start_radio=1

Went to bed at 10.45, still awake at 12.30. Broken sleep throughout, finally got up at 6.15. It's not good to start the day being tired, but it's the centre today, so I'll be chatting a lot . Hope ALL BDers have a decent day x

Now that was a bad night, HVDY.I hope you can cope with today, but having chats, one always wakes up and responds, but it's just as well you haven't got LittleGirl.

I went to bed late, on a bit of a high, (but knew what was going on), and slept a good sleep till 9am.

After I've done these bits and bobs on the list that couldn't wait, I will take it easy and head for the gym. I have at long last got my gym bag fully packed with all I need - I do this to avoid re packing at home every time I go - so can have a nice pampering shower at the gym.

I hope BD days are as good as they can be.

Walking with you, Ellie Ann.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- I do hope that DH appt today will have been worth the wait and he is given the care and attention he needs. Thinking of you both.
Even after all these years it still feels unreal what happened. I can’t elaborate because of privacy. We must try and enjoy our lives . They are a gift we only get once and it’s a privilege to have a long life when so many don’t get the chance. But of course that doesn’t mean it’s easy!
Your walk sounds lovely- poor Fluff coming face to face with a big old wooden fox! I absolutely love sculptures especially in wild settings.
Thinking of you today.
Doodle - Yes I,m afraid my head is always bursting with thoughts- it’s never quiet in there.
You must feel as relieved as I do that the heat has subsided a little. It actually makes you feel a bit claustrophobic when it’s so intense.
I hope you had a nice day yesterday and were able to see your Church friends. I expect you,ve had to put thoughts of going away somewhere on hold til you are less incapacitated . Do you and your lovely friend fancy anywhere?
Wyllow- your carer seems like just the right person for you. You need laughter in your life and I,m sure she can be serious too when needed - a great combination. That extra hour will be full of fun as well as hope.
I too still prefer motorways to country lanes. The ones round here are awful and full of potholes too. But it’s easy access to the motorway thank goodness. Isn’t it amazing how you took
the bull by the horns and just drove to the safety of your family.
Enjoy the Gym- DH is there too - not yours ha ha. Remember to take pit stops during your day.
HVDY-/Its lovely to feel the breeze again isn’t it. I love hanging the washing out when it’s like this- I know I should get out more😀
Glad Jaffa is better . Last evening was the first time DD 2 furry boys sat on me in the evening. I love a cat cuddle and it was much cooler for them.
What a horrible night you had- you must be tired. Still as you say the Day Centre will wake you up with lots of nice chats and hopefully the lunch will be tasty.
EllieAnne- thinking of you and hoping you have some bright moments in your days.
Nadateturbe- it must have been difficult for you to cope in that hot weather. We miss youx

Went out early this morning and it was so nice to feel the cooler air but it was warming up by the time I got back. Thinking of all our friends who we,ve not heard from for a while- hope you are all coping as well as possible xx love to all

"Even after all these years it still feels unreal what happened. I can’t elaborate because of privacy. We must try and enjoy our lives . They are a gift we only get once and it’s a privilege to have a long life when so many don’t get the chance. But of course that doesn’t mean it’s easy".

So true, and understood, Scaredycat. You are remarkable to take the journey that you have: and yes, it was remarkable to just "drive" and I was delighted it was so, like getting my freedom back.

I'm thinking of Sweetpeasue and her DH.

As for "Enjoy the Gym- DH is there too - not yours ha ha"
Well, I am on extremely cautious "looking out for" as this time I know what I want - with great caution.

Nadateturbe you are also always in my mind, lying there struggling with "Wishing otherwise".

It's just right here today - temperature around 21 degrees, sun in and out, and a modest breeze to dry my "smalls" but not blow off!

As regards the myriad thoughts all going round, yes of course atm that is me too, *Scardeycat.

I now cope by talking to myself. "Now Wyllow, breath deeply! Ignore this and that, only that needs to be jotted down and attended to.

Like a list for the surgeon on Monday.

Have you tried talking to yourself? Its great.

Scaredycat Thanks for your best wishes and thoughts.
I understand how what's happened makes you feel the need to live life as fully as possible. You're also doing it for them too . You have so much reason to be proud of how you have(and are) coping - I really mean that. It must be so very hard .x
HVDY Hope you've managed to get through your day on such bad sleep and enjoyed the chat at day centre. I wonder if it's extra active mind or also could be such warm nights.
Wyllow Hope you've had a good Gym outing. Yes. I need to talk to myself more ,maybe out loud.
Thankyou for your good wishes today .

So, we've both come back very low indeed. This morning we saw a Cardiac nurse ( not Consultant) No scans were done (apart from ECG) Nurse seemed thorough about asking lots of questions ( in about an hr) and because DH has the tight ,pressing, crushing feeling most of the time-- though gets much worse with any small activity-- she doesn't think it's Angina. She took hos pulse in both wrists - no pulse felt in left one ( the one where left Subclavian artery has plaque) and listened to chest and back said no abnormal sounds. On leaving she wished us good luck with Spirometry test next week.
We both felt temporary relief not heart then still questioned the outcome later on.
Went to Hobbycraft afterwards then had a coffee and came home.
Had a few tears that we feel no further forward ,then we decided on a walk nr sea along prom. After 5 mins DH had to stop for rest on bench as his tightness was bad. He'd not brought spray either ( as nurse said he didn't need it) . I said he should still carry it though not sure if that's right or wrong really.

Think we need Vascular again but not the one we went to as the hand/ arm pain there all the time but worse if he uses it on things like gear stick. GP noted , last time we saw him that Vascular thing( Sub Steal) still needs to be looked at as we saw same Dr for second opinion.

Sorry so long. I think it helps me a little to write down and gets thoughts in order.
My feelings are another thing. Despair, Frustration and more worry and fear.
Sorry to be on a downer. Someone has got it wrong somewhere.

Can’t write much tonight as wrist hurts.
Sweetpeasue I think when you’ve got the results of the spirometry test you need to go back to the GP and ask what is causing this tightness in your husbands chest. Don’t give up. I know it’s disappointing but on the other hand the nurse didn’t suggest there was anything wrong with his heart.
I have read and thinking of you all but I’ve overdone it with my hand in art today and it needs to rest xx

Doodle So good of you to respond. Hope you had fun in the art class ,rotten that you have to suffer for it though.
Yes , we must wait now for Spirometry test results as no one will want to do anything else till that has been done.
Just seems odd that last ECG nurse said 51 far too low ant to go to A*E , then ECG a couple of mths ago the Dr came out and asked him if he felt dizzy and warned him to go to A&E too if it got worse as his heart BPM was again very slow.
Anyway ,thanks Doodle. Well not let it go as something is wrong.
Take care and hope your hand aching doesn't disturb tonight's sleep.x

ScaredyCat Despite all the heartache and grief you've had, you're always cheerful and caring . Cat cuddles are lovely, aren't they/ I love to have washing on the line, too - DH says I look for washing .

Wyllow3 I talk to myself, too - always have done - it's meant to be a good thing to do. Hope you enjoyed the gym and a lovely shower afterwards.

SweetpeaSue That wasn't very helpful today, was it? The crushing feeling in the chest, particularly on exertion, isn't right. If it isn't Angina, did she say what she thought it might be? I think, if the spray helps him, your husband ought to carry it with him, just in case. I hope the spirometry tests show something, one way or another. It must be so hugely frustrating and worrying for you both.

Doodle Glad you managed to do your art today. Have a rest.

I've been tired all day, but the centre was good. Honey & mustard chicken, potatoes and veg, then cherries and ice cream. I should sleep tonight. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Of course its OK to write down and share your day today, Sweetpeasue

It seems to me that you need to talk to someone, maybe your GP, and try and pull together what you do know and dont know, as you are clearly going round in circles. I wish I were a medic to do this.

Its seems to me a lot of people are saying that these symptoms do not add up to anything life threatening, although they are distressing and sombre particularly worrying -

I might of course be entirely wrong, and do not in anyway wish to belittle your concerns nor wish you to “take my word for it, as your first thoughts will be..but what about this, and what about that.

But all these doctors, no one has indicated great danger.

It maybe with the cluster of different symptoms you can at this point only treat each one symptomatically,

get the balance of meds right through trial and error,

until any particular symptom becomes critical, at which point go to A and E. whether you think they will “believe” you or not.

Can you try and see if this approach works? Ease your despair by thinking “we are doing our very best on each symptom”, not to give up hope,

but to invest time in treating each symptom with the very best outcomes you can?

Hugs for you both - Is it time to talk to your psychologist as in “how can I cope with this burden of worries” - maybe Dh go with?

Back later, I have to make a phone call xx

HVDY No she didn't say what it might be. When I questioned her about the low heartbeat and last ECG and the nurse saying he should go to A&E she said that nurse must have been panicking. She said his low heart rate BPM could be normal for him. We checked the referral from GP to the rapid access chest clinic today and he'd actually put his heart rate , for him, was normally low. He'd only got the ECGs from the last 4mths so I can't say that the heart rate bpm on those would be exactly normal as DH has been suffering for the last couple of yrs since he got Polymyalgia.
Yes, agree about spray for now.
Thanks HVDY. Hope you sleep better tonight.

Black after my phone call with my son, which had rather an explosive and brief argument (I've avoided talking about something that had stewed for 2/3 years) - and it got sorted pretty quickly and went on to a normal chat. Pretty much a landmark thing to happen, tho - returning to my "before Ex" assertiveness.

Doodle I'm sorry your wrist is having a bad time after the class. Your recovery must seem like forever and I wish it were different x

Hmmm, that sounded delicious, HVDY. I hope you sleep well.

Sweetpeasue I hope you can find some peace of mind and heart, for it's a long, drawn out bad time.

Tomorrow my cleaner comes, its early, and we are tacking taking down some very very heavy curtains for me to take to be re-lined (horrible black mould on linings), so it won't be a late night here.

I'm missing BD's not in, take care.

Tonights U tube - I think its a lovely, gentle rendering of Lady Gaga's song, "Always remember us this way".

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zerJVmOc-v0&list=RD-zytX4zFQfw&index=4

SweetpeaSue The slow heartbeat might well be normal for your husband. It's good that it isn't a cause for concern to the medical people. The nurse who suggested A&E probably didn't know what else to suggest (and I suppose "they" have to cover their backs). It would be a last resort, I think - sitting in Casualty for hours on end. I slept better, thanks.

Wyllow3 I slept well, thanks. Hope you had an earlier night, ready for your early morning. Busy day again for you.

I slept 11 - 4, which was very good, then 5 until 8. DH and I are going for afternoon tea later, which we love doing. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

A sleepy good morning all, as I am up early (for me), for the cleaner.

I was thinking of what I wrote to you Sweetpeasue and realised there was something important I should have added. I’m very aware how much in the past, people kept attributing your health problems to “it’s all in the mind”.
I really really dont think that, far from it.

It’s just this: many people, in the situation you are in, with physical illnesses, suffer mentally and emotionally as a result of their illnesses. It’s so well known, I’ve experienced it too like when I first found a lump and had to wait to find out if it was benign or cancerous.

So that really is all I meant, hence the suggestion to possibly get some support on that front, because you are suffering so very greatly, both of you.