Black Dogs 28

You and I wouldn't like my Sis's life, HVDY. She's very self contained - can and will go days without seeing anyone but her DH. They don't do a lot together, either. She doesn't, like me and you like and need nattering away with others or have close women friends or talk about "feelings" except when I ask. She does speak a lot to her 4 sons and her stepdaughter/granddaughter a lot however.

I hope you liked your cosy day in -or did it turn out to be more? Well done on eventually passing the test, against the odds you were dealing with at the time. It took a second for me, but it was difficult for mum and Dad - Mum sailed through first time and Dad took 4 or 5, and that didn’t go down too well with him….😉
Is Hijack good?

One of the pleasures of winter for me and the lace work of trees Sweetpeasure is an enduring fascination of when the sun is behind the trees and the patterns of shadow they make.
Oh I so agree about the weather - especially wanting sun.
I’d glad to hear that you went to book group.
I looked up the cars you mentioned. They both look very comfy and very safe. I hope you find what you want soon - driving in a good comfy reliable car makes such a difference.

You took your test in Whitby? Quite a challenge, those windy streets and - hills! Pretty demanding. I took mine in Cambridge, totally flat. To do a hill start there was just one place - a road that went in a big hump over a railway. So there was only one place to learn and be tested on a hill start, always busy with learner drivers. So much easier than now - no sat naps, less complicated cars without all the electronics.

I didn’t know whether to write in the present or past tense, Doodle - its lovely thinking as you do, always present. He was clearly a very exceptionally demonstrative man in touch with emotions, not that usual for our ages. Yes, it’s been freezing today - such a chilly wind. I hope you can work in inks or water colours and not pastels tomorrow at art.

I had a very bad. Night becuase of something re current matters a Quaker said on the phone last night: extra meds to get through, but it was put right in a meet up with F the Quaker I am closest too, and both worked in and been a customer in Mental Health. After that, the day went well - a good gym sesh, a sleep, and more sorting art work out.

At the gym I asked for help to work out my body fat and muscle ratio - its good now, despite putting on weight, because of all the work I have done at the gym since last July. I’ve worked out a couple of things to try and keep my weight down (it being the tablets, which I cant control, making me put it on. I’m not doing any “cardio” - ie things that get your heart going and your metabolism (that burns calories) to its best. So it’s - fast walking, or cycle machine, or fast swimming.

Bad news - We are supposed at our ages to do 150 mins moderate cardio a week to get this effect weight wise. Sigh. Fast walking is easiest as you dont have to do it in long chunks - fast walks round the block starting with 10 mins etc. I also worked out from reading up on
(Doodle this may interest you)
that weight loss can be helped by extra protein which you can take in that protein powder form where you mix it with liquid. Low calorie, and lot of protein. Wither plant based or whey based. Scoops making up 40mg in two lots a day.

What is going to be much harder to tackle is my hair loss, due to the tablets, and I’ve been looking into alternatives to mine and there is very little wiggle room to change. Either they have the same effects, or alter the balance of depressions and “ups” unsuccessfully. I’m going to. Write to the psychiatrist as it is about to get to the stage of being quite upsetting, I can cover thin spots with curls, but that has limitations.

Scardeycat it must have been a difficult day for you and DH. Love coming your way:

And to all Black Dogs, posting or not.

Awoke after a great sleep but exhausted, and contemplating 150 mins cardio a week as a mountain not a hill, as it will be a challenge.
Looking back I've only done "cardio" when riding a bike when much fitter or swimming:

I think when I start getting out of breath I actually interpret it as a panic attack and slow down and have to break through the barrier. I wish I hadn't given away (well, sold at very low cost) my exercise bike, except there is so little room in my one downstairs open plan space. As I would probably do it watching TV.

Have the best day you can, BD's, I have a light day ahead, the cleaner for an hour when we can sort out my chaotic "under tha stairs" and will potter.

Needless to say, I'm already checking out folding bikes, but I need to examine may conscience "would I really use it:...

Wyllow3 No, I couldn't have an isolated life like that (it wouldn't do well for us all to be the same). I like to be close enough to amenities (1/2 mile from me at the moment), and need to chat with people - my husband can happily go all day without talking (he struggles to get a word in with me anyway). "Hijack" is very good, edge-of-the-seat thriller. It's on Apple TV. I loved Idris Elba in Luther. You had a decent da, by the sound of it. The aqua aerobics I do is a cardio one, so we do lots of jumping and high-knee running. I really ought to do a lot more exercise.

How's everyone else been? Day centre meal was a roast beef lunch and Black Forest gateau. We played some games and did quizzes. x

Hi all

The funeral was so well attended by at least 120 people. Our friend was a very liked person and it must have made his family proud to see so many there. We were dreading it but so glad we were able to go and be with other friends to remember him and celebrate a life well lived.

Wyllow- what a lovely thing to look forward to- being together with your DB & DS. You can hear the happiness in your words.
My Sis would adore the life yours lives - surrounded by animals .
Hope you had a good cleaner day- bit of tidying and lots of chat and laughter.
Fast walking is what I loved - now I feel like I,m mincing !! I still try and do up to 2 miles in one go though.
You looked like you have loads of lovely curly hair in your photo!
HVDY- I must admit I like being close to amenities - our village has everything quite handy and retains a village atmosphere.
I expect you talk to Jaffa a lot. Now we have the boys there’s always someone to talk to when DH is out.😸
That was a great lunch- do you have horseradish sauce with your beef?
idris Elba is nice we might try Hijack . At the moment we are loving The Good Doctor on Netflix. It’s a bit saccharine but so feel good too.
Doodle- great you,ve framed some of your work- it’s a nice feeling of accomplishment isn’t it.
Yes our new provider is also much cheaper than BT . It’s not up and running yet so hope it’s straightforward.
Your DH was certainly the kindest most loving person. What a lovely thing he did for you. Not man6 men would do that.
SweetPeaSue- glad you got to Book Club. Sometimes it must be a big effort to go but hopefully it’s worth it once you’re there.
My first car was a Ford Escort too and ditto the test. I have a Ford Fiesta Vignale now and love it. Passing your test in Whitby was an achievement - so hilly and busy.
Nadateturbe- how are you today?

Love to all - hope those we haven’t heard from in a while are doing OK.

HVDY Ash Wednesday is the beginning of lent and we had the sign of the cross marked on our forehead in ash. The ash is made from burning the previous years palm crosses. It signifies repentance and a following of Jesus.
Like you I need to talk to people. I couldn’t be isolated,
Wyllow in some ways like your sister I could happily go for days just being with Dh but unlike your sister we did everything together,
wyllow I’m not taking your hair loss lightly because I know how upsetting it must be but have you thought of a hair extensions or too up hair. I know several people who for various reasons either wear a full wig or pieces that increase the amount of hair. They are very good these days and don’t cost the Earth. There’s a woman on Facebook who has her own hair but wears a wig every day. She has loads and they look amazing
Scaredycat you friend must have been liked as you say. That’s a good turn out. It’s nice when the service is full of memories and shared experiences. Thank you Dh was a really special person.
Been to art today and painted flowers in watercolour. Not to bad and an enjoyable morning followed by bereavement group.
Sweetpeasue how was your day today. Hope your DH didn’t have another angina attack. Did you get out at all?

Just so very tired.
Will post tomorrow.
Xx

I like the sound of the good company and quizzes etc at your day centre, HVDY Yes, your aqua is great cardio stuff.

I have gone and bought a foldable exercise bike after a lot of research. Folded up, the floor space taken is just 18 inches square, and I have a place to slide it. I also chose one that doesn’t require self assembly except the simple stuff. Well, or so it says.

I thought a lot about your funeral, Scardeycat. So important to say a proper goodbye, so very important. The blessing of meeting many people who knew and loved him matters a great deal. The hugs - the shared tears, and some laughter at recalled incidentsIt mattered so much when we said goodbye to my younger sis in 2019. I nearly didnt go, I was in a depressive phrase, but Ex to his credit got me along and all the way down to London.

Another reminder, as well, to live life as well as we can.

Hair wise from a distance its fine. My hair itself is thick, never coloured or permed, is curly ish, so can cover a lot, but close up, the pink patches are too visible to feel comfy with it, but I will do everything I can to improve the situation. No way round it - it matters to us women.

I will look into those Doodle if it gets worse, some extensions etc.
Will you observe Lent? One vicar was giving up cheese, as I suppose he likes it so much, others seem to chose sweet things like choc or cakes.
Doodle my sister was a consultant, (but part time) and so was her DH. When the children were growing up he was out of the house from 6am to sometimes 8 or 9pm many days of the week.

She has always has had a very independent soul. I suspect - because of my Dad dying when she was 14 and my mum going into Mental Hospital - there is part of her that will never let her become very dependent, so close she would feel she couldn’t live without someone.

I may be wrong, but she made the choice living so far from a town or city as a last home, and staying, she had thought of her DH dying first, as he is older, but she says, ever realistic well it depends on how old I am. Her children adore her - maybe sh’d move near one of them - but she projects super strong, always supporting others - but I know it isn’t like that inside.

Me - I get very dependant, very easily, but have a strong streak of survival alone, as I did as a rebellious teenager that would not go along with family leading to a grim depression through most of my teenage years.

I'm enjoying being on my own more than I ever have really: it's very difficult at times, but so was being depressed when living with someone. ...so my expectations of life are well - modest, now. It's only taken to 75 to get here....

ScaredyCat What a lot of people at the funeral. He was obviously a very popular and loved man. Glad it went ok. Yes, I talk to Jaffa a lot , although at 4.15 this morning, my words to him weren't pleasant! He's a lovely cat, but he wakes me up too early (I don't like him being downstairs alone). I don't like horseradish. I'm not keen on sauces. We haven't got Netflix any more, but sometimes watch things on Amazon Prime.

Wyllow3 Your hair looks good in photos. It looks thick and curly. Would a colour help? I sometimes use a shampoo-in one (blonde), which lasts for 6 washes (Amazon). I've always needed someone around. I've never lived alone (I was only just 20 when DH and I moved in together). Sad about your dad dying when your sister was only young, and then your mum being ill like that. It must have been very difficult.

Doodle Thanks for explaining about Ash Wednesday. My husband's sister is a Christian, although she hasn't been to church since before the pandemic. A lady at my day centre has given up sweets for Lent, and she's Catholic. Do you give up any food in particular?

Very tired, so off to bed now. Love to all BDers. x

My hair is quite a pretty white/ash blonde already, pure luck, next stage all white, it went from brown to this without the dull grey stage.
Anyone here brave enough to try pinks or purples....

Wyllow That does sound pretty. Mine is mostly white now.

Seeing my brother later, and we'll visit his wife. Just been looking at our CCTV from last night - the fox was here at 3am - he had cheese, luncheon meat and 3 eggs. Hope everyone has a decent day. x

Hi all
HVDY- I think you must be on Fox Trip Adviser - you are so kind to them. I can understand you not wanting Jaffa to be alone at night.
At the moment I am trying to type with Kai sprawled all over me so balancing the iPad on the arm of my chair😩Nothing as awkward as a cat!!
My hair is white/blonde too that makes 3 of us!!
Hope your SiL is fully recovered and enjoys your visit.
Wyllow- glad you got your bike- sounds perfect.
So sorry you lost your younger sister- it must have been devastating for your family. Ex made a good decision. You have a great sister in Doc Sis. Independent and wise with a big heart and a vulnerable soft side.
You are right to live with somebody yet feel sad and lonely is so much worse than livingcontentedly alone. There is great positivity in your words and thoughts com8ng through.
Doodle- I went to a convent school and we went to Church on Ash Wednesday and received the ash cross on our foreheads.
We also had to give something up for Lent - always sweets for me!
I,d love to see your watercolour flowers. One of my art friends with dementia wasn’t very good at Art but her watercolour flowers were beautiful.
Hope you,ve had a good day.
SweetPeaSue- hope you managed to get a good nights sleep and feel brighter today. I,ve just had a little sleep as yesterday wore me out. Then today have done some shopping for our poorly friend and called round to see her.
Hope your DH is doing well.

Love to allx

HVDY Oh that test in Derby really must have been nerve wracking! I just cant sit next to a stranger and do a test drive with pending new car so DH will need to do that. So glad your fox is back - or do you think its a new one. I know whichever it is you will keep it well fed.
Doodle I cant believe a great love can die - I know your love with your DH is very special. At book group I was sat opposite the oldest lady there and I thought poor E, she must have fallen . I thought shed explain in t break as could see others looking too . I thought perhaps a vein had burst. Everyone was relieved at end of session - she explained she'd been ashed and had come straight from church.😂 My DH was ok yesterday but needed spray today. Hope your day has been OK.
Wyllow My hair has been going very thin for yrs - on the front and crown. Ive mentioned it here before but I do know how awful it makes one feel. My hair went completely white early in life , its hereditary. I hadn't realised that there were hair pieces to put in , as Doodle says though Im not sure if my hairs too thin to disguise them. Strange- a mobile hairdresser's card was put through door last night. I too think your hair looks very pretty with its natural waves and curls. Glad youve sorted the exercise bike. You're so self disciplined about exercise. I know I should do better.
Scardycat Glad the funeral of your DHs best friend went well. It must have been so sad for your DH but nice to remember him amongst friends who knew him.
I could just imagine your cat sprawled in your lap- dont drop the lap top on your foot like Wyllow! You too used to go to Ash Wednesdays . I dont think Id ever seen anyone with the black mark on forehead until the lady in our book group. Nice of you to shop for your poorly friend.
EllieAnneNadateturbe Hoping you're both OK.

Son2 and his wife came this afternoon for a cuppa. DILs mum is worse Im afraid though its expected but still v difficult.
Looked at same cars today but got no further on with decision making. Im so bad at making decisions but expensive ones feel so stressful. Ive always hated car searching - DH had enough today.

Sending love to everyone in or posting. X
I

Wyllow I’m not giving up anything for lent. I’m going to try doing more of things. Like more of my physio which I need to do but can’t be bothered. Drink more water which I always forget to do . I’m attending a lent course and plan to read a book about St Paul. I was going to give up chocolate last year but my friend said I’d lost enough and if chocolate gave me any comfort I should continue eating it.
I would love to have purple in my hair and asked the hairdresser but he tried the dye on a sample and it wouldn’t take. I suppose I shouldn’t complain. I have a lot of hair and hardly any grey.
Sweetpeasue that made me laugh. Yes people often forget they’ve been ashed. A friend went into a shop and the girl at the till said I see you’re religious and wondered how the girl knew till he realised he’d ash in his forehead. Sorry about your DILs mum. A hard time for them
HVDY is that your original fox or a new one. Still having gourmet treats I see. No as I said above I’ve not given up anything this year for lent. I have in many previous years but it’s not always giving up stuff sometimes it’s reading more of the bible or praying more for people. Even just spending more time sitting in quiet with God. People go about it a different way. Hope your visit to your s’il went ok
Scaredycat I’ve been so sleepy today. I took an antihistamine last night and it’s wiped me out, I will show you my flowers tomorrow. I can just picture you trying to use your iPad with a cat draped all over it. Lovely that they are so friendly and cuddly.

ScaredyCat This fox must be a new one, I think, as the last one hasn't been for 14 months. It's in good condition and has a beautifully thick brash, so it must be managing well. Kai wanted your full attention. SIL was in a good mood but didn't remember me. When my brother came back from the toilet, she asked me if I'd met him before, then said I couldn't have him as he's her husband. Kind of you to see your friend and do some shopping for her.

SweetpeaSue Yes, it was quite challenging. I hadn't driven for 4 months before. I messaged everyone I knew to tell them when I passed! Neither of us had a test drive of this car when we bought it. I'd seen it on the Available Car website, liked it, and only looked at 2 others. It's been a good car for what we want. Nice that your son and his wife visited you today, but sad about your DIL's mum. I hope she doesn't linger on for ages.

Doodle Doing more things like reading the Bible or praying is a much nicer way to recognise Lent than restricting anything you usually enjoy. The fox must be a different one, I think. They don't live long (18 months or so, they usually get hit by cars), poor things.

It was chaotic at the nursing home - several residents were wandering about and/or shouting, and my SIL was wet, smelt strongly of urine (she's not catheterised now but cannot walk or even stand), so had to be sorted out. The carers are all very kind, but overworked and do 13-hour shifts. I'm sorry to say, I was glad to leave after 3 hours. It's rained for most of the day.

That was a very very difficult time with your SiL, HVDY, very sad to see how she is. It's the first time you've reported inadequacies in care at that home - perhaps they had had people not turning up for shift. Your brother isn't good at the best of times, this really couldn't have helped.
What an incredibly lucky fox! top meal there.

Doodle that is a splendid top Lent idea. and it's spot on because Lent is a challenge to do what is difficult, and doing those many positive things are difficult for you.

St Paul now, that should be interesting. We had a lot of St Paul at secondary school, almost daily readings from him as well as the classic parables and 10 commandments but it would be good to do a depth study not just the famous readings.

I'm not surprised you had a sleep today, Scaredycat, strong emotions, lots of different people, for an extended time. Also `I think one needs sort of internal catch up time to process events like that funeral.

It's hard to feel you are making the right car choice, Sweetpeasue. It will be a relief when you get it. You are buying new, aren't you? It's so good to have the three years of no MOT's and clean running. I did like both the ones you showed us. But yes, it is a big decision.
Can you ask the car salesperson to drive you both around a bit in the chosen cars before DH tries? That way you'll get a feel of it without the stress and can see how the controls work and discuss it without either of you having to drive.

I hope it went well with Son 2. It's sad about her mum, not a lot you can do except a sympathetic ear.

Todays energy was spent when I had a really nice 4 and q bit hours with my first DH. its so easy to be with him: we always share a lot about DS and DiL and the DGC of course. He's a very emotionally insightful person indeed now: since splitting in 2008 both of us have done a great deal of therapy, and understand what went wrong, but there is never any blame, just insight.
He's the only grandparent left to DS and DiL who can help out with the kids in their home - he gets worn out in 2/3 days but is good at switching off and napping in front of all, I could never do that.

After that I had a long sleep, it hadn't been a good night again but you are right Scaredycat the trend is mainly that of general exhaustion but better mood: enough energy for exercise most days as long as I get a sleep a couple hours anytime between 2.30 and 7pm each day, I plan around it and rarely go out in the evening, and don't really want to atm, I will more in the spring and summer.

thinking of absent BD friends and how your lives are getting on.

Wyllow3 The nursing home is always noisy, with people shouting or being disruptive (all in the mid to late stages of dementia), so nothing can be done about that (years ago, those type of residents used to be sedated, which isn't done now). SIL will probably, at some stage, be catheterised again. My brother hadn't ever experienced people with dementia (the 3 of us were carers for the same company for a few years). He gets upset when his wife says she wants to go home - although she's thinking about her childhood home when she says it. It's lovely that you've got such a friendly relationship with your ex, and good that he's able to help out with the grandchildren.

This diet hasn't been very good this week - lunch out on Monday, Tuesday and yesterday, then an Indian takeaway at Son2's tomorrow evening. Must do better next week.

1 step back, 3 steps forward, HVDY. You're doing great.

Thanks, Wyllow3

Looked at last night's CCTV - Jaffa chased the fox at 11.45 (I'd gone to bed and DH had let the cat out), preventing him from getting to his food! Foxy returned after DH had got the cat indoors. Naughty Jaffa.

Jaffa isn't going to take kindly to territorial invasion!

I woke up depressed and lonely that I wouldn't be able to find peace in our Quaker meeting again if MrA comes back as things stand. The Safeguarding people are discussing it on Tuesday - I was copied into an email to our Servants of the Meeting - and I know have been trying to do some work with MrA.

so I wrote to them thus and feel happy with what I have written:

"I woke this morning very low, that the peace and feeling comfortable and loved in MfW, (Meeting for Worship) cannot really return when MrA returns.

I told myself of course that I had idealised MfW: conflict can never be avoided in life.

I asked myself, what is needful for me to cope with MrA returning, and this is what I came up with: (as ever, I use 20 words when maybe 4 will do, but want to be clear)

The reassurance from you that MrA fully understands that I experienced what he did as violent, and that perpetrating a falsehood is as serious, has caused much distress: it has led to some key people in my meeting to not believe me or to minimise the impact of what has been happening, or even to write to me to say I was not assaulted and was seeking a negative “zero sum” game from Remedi.

That MrA signing a “Statement” and then ringing me and talking to others, as if all is concluded, is not realistic, it was a very important and significant part of what is actually a process.
I am thankful he engaged with Remedi, but not its conclusion to be compartmentalised and packed away, that in a way, things cannot ever be “the same”.

That the Servants of the meeting are clearly given to understand that when a sexual assault occurs, it is the victims experience that is “heard”, not their interpretation of my experience, and this is a key part of Safeguarding practice.

That we live in a time when at last Sexual Assault is taken seriously, particularly in religious organisations, and that local Safeguarding is moving at a Quakerly pace with others nationally concerned towards best policy.

That it will be announced either verbally or in writing to all in the area as appropriate, but soon, that “such and such an incident has taken place in one of our area MfW to all meetings and …..(action taken, lessons learnt etc)

Glad I said all that.

I dont think I told BD's yesterday: in a hurry to get ready to go out, I actually tripped and fell down the last 2 stairs. It was a miracle I avoided the sharp radiator. I remember thinking as I fell, "oh no, my knee". but my knee was OK, I got up and carried on:

only to find myself awakening this morning with all kinds of bits and bobs aching. Apparently the body produces protective thingies against mentally or physically feeling it then it pops up.

Basically I'm incredibly fortunate, it could have been really bad, and thanking (ouch) lucky stars, and take more care on my very narrow stairs!

I did add it could be positive for Quakers - ie a learning experience for all, that if MrA can reach the point, he would be actually admired for it, not condemned: a learning point for me (I'll tell you when I ID it, other than not idealising what humans are really like just because they share a faith, not acting on how things ^should be, but rather, as they are.

The sun has just come out, and I found this intelligent and wise little snowdrop all alone under the lip of the back doorstep, self seeded, yet thriving. It grew in a difficult - but sheltered - spot.

Snow drops are amazing.

Wyllow I also woke up depressed and lonely.
I made my family my life and now they are too busy to bother with me unless they need something.
I know this is how things are and if they lived nearer I’m sure I would see more of them but I do feel unwanted. I think being a bit unwell for the past few weeks has dragged me down.
And the relentless rain.
Dd sent me a video of the kittens. They are growing so fast.

Hi all
SweetPeaSue- don’t blame you for being nervous of a test drive. I,ve done lots in the past but now I,d be a nervous wreck. Hope you find a good car soon- probably when you least expect it!
You could just try a little hair piece to see,how it looks- maybe ask your hairdresser. My Stepdaughter has a long one and it looks great.
I,m sorry your DiL,Mum is getting worse- it’s so hard watching somebody you love getting weaker and weaker.
Kai often gets on my lap if I use my iPad - typical cat behaviour- he doesn’t like being ignored😸
Doodle- I think your plan for Lent is a good one- your friend is right you have lost enough.
You could have a purple streak in your hair if you bleached it first- sounds like you have plenty of hair to play with- must be lovely.
I,m sleepy again this afternoon. We went for a walk this morning in our local Castle grounds . So beautiful and lots of lovely birds too.
Looking forward to seeing your flowers.
HVDY- at least your SiL was in a good mood not like my dear cross friend. It must be so difficult for the carers to keep everyone clean and happy- they work so hard. It’s the most upsetting,destroying illness to witness isn’t it.
I echo Wyllow - you are doing great with your diet and a treat now and then does you good. I think you’re brilliant how well you are doing.
Jaffa is guarding his territory- letting Foxy know who,s the boss.
Wyllow- what a nice relationship you have with your first ex. Being able to chat amicably about your family and old times is lovely. He has learnt a lot over the years and is a good friend it seems.
Hopefully you,ll get some peace now you,ve written all your thoughts down in the way you have. Yes conflict will always be with us but it’s how we deal with it that’s important and you nailed it.
Thank goodness you haven’t any lasting injuries - those last few steps have been my come uppance a couple of times lately. Please be careful.Hope your bits and bobs are all in good working order now.
Dear little snowdrop - there were lots on our walk this morning.
EllieAnne- good to see you.
Nadateturbe- hope you are feeling a bit better xx

Love to all- and hope to see some of our old friends soon