Black Dogs 28

snowdrop walk

It's hard, when you have made your family the almost exclusive focus of your life, Ellie Anne, to discover "that within" that can connect to other things that make life worth living. I think it probably happens to quite a lot of women.

What you may not see however is that some women, when this has happened, demand or expect their Adult children to fill the gap: you have not placed this demand on their shoulders, which is courageous.

I hope you got the sun this morning Scaredycat, for your Castle walk. it's a tonic, birds sing more in the sun, I'm convinced. Kai is of the cat opinion that it is outrageous for you to direct your attention elsewhere - what could be more important than stroking, and what is this strange unscented object you are writing on anyway?

So tired today, I was supposed how much, but it has been 2 busy days, but the sun came out about 1.30pm so I went to the park to people and nature watch. It has a river running through and an Urban Artist had been busy on the path in chalk..several words as the path went on, here is one..

surprised not supposed.

HVDY it’s not nice to think of your SIL being left wet and smelling of urine. These care homes don’t have enough staff. No matter how kind they are there aren’t enough to look after the patients properly. Must have upset you. I didn’t realise foxes have such short lives. At least the ones you look after have been fed well.
Wyllow it’s good you have such a nice relationship with your Ex. He sounds a nice man. Your letter sounds very well put and clear about your feeling and what you expect from them. Good idea to write it all down.
Ellie Anne sorry you’ve not been well and are feeling so down. It’s good your DD sent you a video of the kittens. Sorry I just have missed the bit where you said she had kittens. I know you go and look after her cat for her. Are the kittens a new addition . Maybe that’s neutral ground you could have conversations about. Hope you feel better soon.
Scaredycat my hairdresser did talk about bleaching a bit to put some purple in but he wasn’t keen on doing it. In the end I took his advice and left my hair alone. I am lucky to still have very little grey hair and my hair is quite thick.
Your walk sounds lovely. I didn’t know you lived near a castle. Is it lived in? I love snowdrops. So tiny and delicate but perfect.
Sweetpeasue if you’re scared of a test drive take your son with you. Let him drive out of the garage somewhere quiet so you can have a go with him beside you. That’s what I did when I bough my new car. Doing that on my own for the first time was really scary

Wyllow3 I hope you feel more settled after writing everything down. It's easy to trip/slip on the stairs. Hope you haven't hurt yourself.
EllieAnne I think all the rain is getting on everyone's nerves. I'm sure your children care about you.
Nadateurbe Hope you're getting on ok.
ScaredyCat Jaffa doesn't like our intruder . Yes, dementia is terrible. I worked in a couple of care homes, didn't like it, but we didn't do 13 hour shifts then. They do work hard, and for too many hours.

Doodle At one point yesterday, there was one carer with about 20 residents. I told her that it was dangerous and probably illegal, and she agreed and shouted for some help.

It's been a busy day - met Son1 and his girls & the dog. We all had a snack at the pub, walked around the park, then back to theirs for a cuppa. DH and I had an Indian takeaway with Son2 and family at teatime, then the parents went out, leaving us to put LG to bed. Got home at 11, left food out for Foxy. Off to bed now. Hope everyone has a good sleep x

Wow, that was busy, HVDY

I hope its a good church day, Doodle

Hi all
Wyllow- really kind helpful words for EllieAnne.
Think you’re right about Kai- how could anything be more interesting than him😸
Lovely to feel the sun again and people watching is endlessly interesting. Nice to follow the path with happy words on it. I love urban art work - some is fabulous.
Doodle- yes it’s a beautiful castle with a large moat around it. There has been a castle there over 900 years and was lived in until the 1970s it is now a charitable trust and open to the paying public. The tickets last for a year so for locals it’s a great place to walk.
This year seems to be a good snowdrop year - yes they are little flowers of hope.
You could always have a go yourself at a small purple streak in your hair!!
HVDY- that rain has overstayed its welcome hasn’t it. It’s quite mild today though. I walked up to my DD and had a cuppa with her and see my grandcats.
You had a nice day yesterday- after a day like that it makes you feel so lucky doesn’t it.
We,re going to visit our friend with dementia on Tuesday. So hard to see those poor people in the home. I can’t believe how quickly that horrible disease is destroying Her.
SweetPeaSue- hope you are both ok today.
EllieAnne- ooh kittens - would you like to have one? Your old cat might like a little companion.
Nadateturbe- How is your Sunday going?

Love to all - mentioned or just in our thoughts

Sorry everyone
My head is all over the place- cant explain - its just full and Im so tired and depressed that even small things seem like gigantic jobs that need huge amounts of effort.
EllieAnne I hope you soon feel a little better. Ive no words that can help really - just wanted you to know I care.

Will try come in tomorrow.x

I can’t remember if I explained about the kittens. She got them from a shelter but her older cat knew they were there though kept apart and reacted badly and bit her which led to infection and hospital stay and me going down.
I’m hoping they are getting used to each other now but she’s not answering the phone so I don’t know.
Sweet pea sue I’m also very low today.
This awful lonlieness has come over me and being at church among people has made it worse though no one there would know.

HVDY that was a busy day for you yesterday. Lovely that you live near your sons and can meet up often. I bet Lg liked you putting her to bed. Did you read her a story?
Scaredycat how interesting about the castle. Nice that locals can visit and not be charged an entry fee. I live near Cliveden which is a lovely place to walk but it’s NT so too expensive to visit often
I decided to paint my nails purple instead. Easier to correct if anything went wrong 🤣
Sweetpeasue big hug and hope things are ok.
Ellie Anne I remember you going to stay and the cat biting your DD but didn’t know about the kittens.
I wish I could do something to help your loneliness. It’s a horrible feeling. I know you’re sad and low a lot of the time and it’s not good to feel this way. Wish I could help. Hugs for you too.
Wyllow is that one of your paintings? Lovely.
Church was good today. We had lent lunch. Nice leek and potato soup, bread and cheese and a good chat

Had another bad night, I didn't want to go to Quakers and face the complications. I also had red itchy eyes and flakes and a big TMI problem - I know my immune system is low, I never used to get any of this stuff.

I found a chemist open on Sunday: then decided to go the Quakers at the end just for the chat, and had forgotten it was a business meeting...ahh. the tedium...resented that, the sun was out and I wanted to go to the gym...

but one of the blokes after asked how I was he didnt know what had been going one which was nice he cared....I can be presentably civil to D, but my anger isnt so much there about the original attack anymore

- its the long drawn out time when I was left to fight it out only own and it made me lose a lot of energy and getting these infections, thats what I'm angry about, all because of a lie, and then denials, and its taken a way a lot of confidence.

Anyway something very telling happened later. F, who was at the meeting (and is the one I get on with well and has always accepted what happened and has cancer, its a ? waiting for some results right now)....

...rung me very upset - no one but me had asked her how she was despite all knowing!

It made me realise out little meeting isn't in the good state it was back early autumn. The Key organiser has moved away: people are ill and can't join in, another has pulled out of stuff because of work... we have new visitors but they are elderly or special needs and need that bit extra...its like people are too preoccupied to care like we used to.

I'm glad I went - note to self..... set realistic expectations!!!!
Bonded more with F, got a chance to tell all to the bloke who has always been shocked by MrA (but too ill to take part in anything)...

Anyway at last, they are deciding about MrA on Tuesday at last, and if he does come back I will attend another meeting or Zooms if I cant cope. (Links are close, it's not like going to a completely new church or something).

But I also have the gym in my life, and its been there for such a long time I never fail to feel better after.

I'd feel better if family were closer but have to be realistic. But I am often every lonely and want someone special for me.

Sweetpeasue I think you have been under so much stress for so very long, first it was the consequences of what was done to you, and subsequently you've had to fight hard and no certainties - it will hurt a lot some days and seem forever.

I just hope that there will be better days for you, and for Ellie Anne too, and confidence that you can cope with the future, which is.....so difficult when you are depressed.

I recall when all - all - Ellie Anne until last June - was meaningless..it didn't go on forever, but would you reconsider counselling or meds?

Qhat is it that makes you feel "its not for me" - are there things that have happened before that have put you off? Bad counselling?

I know you weren't happy with the anti D you were on.

And I know that every time I suggest it you dont feel its helpful: help me understand why you feel its not - I guess I feel that way as meds and counselling have helped me so I recommend it?

Doodle did you get the lovely almost spring weather to go with your lenten church day - it was very nice here.

Oh, I cant imagine how it must be to see your friend just..gone..*Scaredeycat*..I know you have ways of deciding life has to count despite all, but it's hard for me to imagine the loss.

There is a lovely crescent moon in the sky and full stars, and it's the first time for as long as I can recall. I love it.

ScaredyCat That castle sounds like a great place to visit. Nice that you saw your daughter and the grandcats. We saw our grandcats last night, but after we'd gone home, DIL found a dead mouse in the bathroom (it wasn't there when I went to the loo, so Big Boy (he's 18lbs, makes Jaffa look like a kitten) must've taken it in there afterwards!

SweetpeaSue Hope tomorrow is better for you.
EllieAnne Sorry you feel like that. Don't you and your husband ever talk?

Doodle I read her "All in one piece". She's so good, goes straight to bed with no messing about, and she talks to herself until she falls asleep (we watched on a monitor). Your church lunch was nice. I do like soup.

It's been a very lazy day - after seeing the family yesterday and changing both beds, doing all the washing and vacuuming, there wasn't anything to do today. LG tomorrow and lung function tests for me at hospital. Hope everyone has a restful night x

I hope they go the best they can, HVDY.

Anti d s had different side effects. One made me sluggish and couldn’t care less and put on weight. Another made me full of energy and I didn’t sleep. Another damped down my feelings so much I felt flat all the time .
Hvdy we do talk but only about practical things like has the cat been fed etc. when I have tried to talk about things that matter I got ignored so I stopped.

Have you been on the newish Sertraline?

Having said that, EllieAnne, they never worked really well for me, because it turned out what I needed was a mood stabiliser as regards medication, but without any doubt at all, it was lengthy talking therapy that lifted me out of a whole series of suicidal depressions. I had to sort of get things straight in my head, to be able to choose what to do to feel better, what helped in my everyday life, including life changing decisions.

So I'm not saying Sertraline would sort matters, but if you haven't tried it, is it worth it? Just in case?

If you had a counsellor you'd have someone to talk to in your isolated depression as a start who wont say horrible things xxx

Thanks, Wyllow3

EllieAnne I see. I know you've tried antidepressants before, but many others might not have those same side effects. Or talking therapies?

Thankyou Doodle for that hug and thanks all for caring.
Hope everyone is ok and coping day to day. Sometimes best to take one day at a time than looking further when everything seems too much.
EllieAnne Thinking of you and feel so sorry for your loneliness. You keep going so you must be getting strength from somewhere and you are such a help to your family.
Still feeling bad. Couldn't go forward today. Will have to step up to the plate tomorrow and go out with DH.
Love to all and those not 'in'. X

Evening all. Been busy today meeting friends for coffee. Ran into our son and grandson by accident and had a lovely catch up.
Wyllow it’s good your friend has you to turn to. I would have expected more from your Quaker group. Nice the new man was able to hear your truth of what happened.
Sweetpeasue you’re very low. Hope your spirits lift a little and you get out with Dh tomorrow.
HVDY it takes me all morning to change my bedding. I do it one bit at a time. How lovely that LG talks herself to sleep. I pray myself to sleep most nights. I have evening prayers online and listen to those when I go to bed. At some point every night I drop off. Not for everyone I know but I find it comforting.
Ellie Anne I’m in sertraline. I think it helped me when I lost DH. I don’t know how much but I think it did. In some ways, I feel much like you. I still struggle with what’s the point of things but other times I look forward to art or meeting people, sometimes I will be absolutely fine then a thought passes me by and like a tidal wave of emotion it carries me off. The waves are just as big but not so often.

Scaredycat I guess you’re off to visit your friend tomorrow. Must be so hard seeing her like that. You’re a good friend to keep on visiting.

Doodle I often do the same( prayers at night when I wake up troubled) and think it helps. May those tidal waves be ever less often and not so large.
I believe its the Fibromyalgia that is making things much worse as every part feels stiff and difficult to move and of course the extreme tiredness.
HVDY Oh just noticed you found a dead mouse in your bathroom.Glad Jaffa wasnt to blame. Its what cats do though isnt it, their instinct. Hope your day with LG was good and the lung function tests were OK.

My eye problem developed into pus seeping last night, and I also have had that fishy down there thingy for 6 days, so ring GP first thing and got am 11am appointment: I tided before went out (appallingly needed) long wait, but got 25 mins,. So I now have anti-biotic eyedrops and already they have started to kick in. Awaiting results of swabs as to more anti-b’s. eyes eased already.

My immune system is used to be superb: last months hospital whatsis for infected chest, now this, shows its not: and needing a sleep every afternoon, but all considered, I can get to the gym most days, and sometimes Costa, do my shopping, do some long term planning, and thats enough. the bike has arrived, I'm going to have to ask someone for help (I call rarely on nephew, but this is a shoe in for him)

I had at last, the Zoom with the Quaker HQ Safeguarding, very satisfactory, she heard the lot.
Now she needs to be in contact with local safeguarding as to what happens to MrA and also developing a working Adult Safeguarding policy that works.
She said every Areas has an Adult Policy, I said well where had it been, where had it been followed? If there was one, why didnt I know?

then I feel all guilty I had said negative things about people, and told myself this Will Not do.

I'm sorry it carries on being such a grim time, Sweetpeasue. I think all you can do it get the best out of anything you can do and lay low, rest a lot, eat well, any tiny pleasures possible, try not to live too far ahead ....
But just...if it does settle into a bad depression, well, you know what I'd say..reach out..
At night for regular bad times I put on either music if that works, if it doesn't, I need distraction, and curl up with something like Death in Paradise to cope.

Not able to pray a lot atm. but I do believe it will return.

How did the tests go, HVDY?

Warmest thoughts to regular - and irregular BD's and hope to see you in soon.

Oh, Doodle, meant to say....erm..I have a cleaner, and she changes the bedding and does the heavy work like hoovering and kitchen floor .....

SweetpeaSue Sorry you're feeling low. Hope today will be better for you and that you manage to go out with your husband. Take care of yourself - anything that gives you pleasure (a drink, cake, bubble bath, etc). The mouse was in Son2's bathroom, caught by their huge cat. Jaffa's only ever once bought in a bird - which he ate, apart from the head and feet .

Doodle I'm lucky that DH helps to change my bed - it's king-sized, but I've done it alone on occasion, and it was a struggle. How lovely to have seen your son and GS by chance like that. Glad you saw friends, too.

Wyllow3 It's a good job you managed to see the GP. Hope the antibiotics work soon, as those "down below" things are unpleasant to have. I'm glad your eyes feel a bit better already.

Not a bad day yesterday - playgroup with LG, then lunch here, and DH dropped me at the hospital. Lung function tests were ok, I think. (Consultant ringing me in 3 weeks' time). It all took 35 minutes, so DH picked me up, and LG had a nap. Meeting my friend for lunch later. Hope everyone has a decent day x

I'm glad to hear that you felt the lung tests went OK - and that it's good in 3 weeks time. Hopefully that means nothing major flagged up, or they would have acted quickly.

Tired: just the gym today, whatever I can do - and a quick zoom tonight. Been feeling dizzy.

The exercise bike has arrived, and I'll need help - its heavy, tho its not full assembly, even "easy assembly" (ie bits like the seat and the electronic screen needs fitting - made me gulp when I saw the instructions. I'll call on nephew and wait till he has time.