Dad cold, tired, sleeping a lot, little appetite

I can quite see how your father is worn out and depressed, he is in an awful situation, old himself and his wife so ill.. Let him sleep when he wants to and make him as comfortable as you can, that's all you can do. You must be an enormous help doing all you do and do look after your own health too. Without you his life and your mother's would be much harder,

All sorts says it all. You're doing sterling work.

I m going to be very truthful your Dad is 94 that’s a very good age and his body is winding down, it is just a progression towards the end. We cannot live for ever and the body starts to ‘go slow’ until it stops
Keep him warm, an electric knee rug may keep him warmer, without the room being overpowering for others, and let him sleep as much as he wants, can you make him some vegetable soup instead of a big meal.
You sound a good daughter, just keep doing as much as you can to keep him comfortable and let him drift off At 94 his body and mind are slowly wearing out
💐

Are you having help with this OP? Carers? I agree with BlueBelle he is win̈ding down.
Until we had supplement drinks prescribed by the GP for D.H, I bought Ensure drinks on line for him.. Coffee flavoured DH preferred. I also make up a pint of fortified milk each day for him. That's a pint of full fat milk with 4 tablespoons of Marvel dried milk whisked in and he has that he has as 2 drinks of milky coffee and the rest on his porridge.

So 2 Ensure drinks and the pint of fortified milk makes 1200 calories which is a good daoly basis. With porridge, soup with grated cheese, scrambled egg, mince and mash, fish and mash with cheese sauce, your Dad would have easy to eat high calorie meals which don't take a lot of energy to eat and digest. That would help him to keep warm as well.

Look after yourself as well. Eat well yourself and if they don't have carers you may need to organise some extra help for them. I think Admiral nurses are the ones to contact for dementia care and advice. As a PP said you are doing sterling work.

You are a great daughter to do all this caring for your parents, they are lucky to have you.

As others have said, 94 is an advanced age and your dad's body is winding down and preparing to go.

He is most comfortable sleeping and keeping warm, and he is losing interest in food. Try to make sure that he drinks plenty and apart from that, accept that he is preparing to go.

The most important thing is that he is assured of your love for him.

I would kindly suggest you might like to think about how you want things go.

Nobody tells you this stuff, nobody talks about death and dieing.

Spot on BlueBelle!

I hope you are getting some help, it sounds as though you need a care package.
Are you claiming attendance and carers allowance?
Perhaps some respite care for your Mum would help your Dad get back on his feet.

You are doing a splendid job caring for them both. Do seek some help for them too so that you do not burn out.
I agree that your Dad is winding down.

I am with those who see itas 'winding down' But would add, just to be on the safe side, has he seen his doctor, I would try and get him to see his physician, and if possible go to the appointment with him.

When encouraging him to eat give him small meals. You do not need to cook full meat for him and try and make the meal attractive to look at. Encourage him to sit at a table to eat, or give him a tray, with cutlery neatly laid. If you give him scrambled eggs, for example, then garnish it with some slices of tomato.

I had a much younger relative, who was depressed and not eating. I made a great attempt to make food appeal to the eyes to get him to eat more. It did help.

I agree with the others. He is winding down. Would his GP do a house call to check everything that can be done is being done to make him comfortable?

In the olden days, this used to be referred to as "taking to his bed" which is what my dad did.

Take care of yourself too - you are being a wonderful, caring daughter. xx

I agree with what the OP said, you are a blessing to your parents, the older we get the more we feel the cold. your dad might not feel like eating dinners, so something like soup even drinking it from a cup might be easier...your mum with dementia should also be getting a council tax rebate.
If she's not...get a form from the council for mental health impairment, and your gp will sign it ..

I would get him checked out by the doctor. It could just be old age or it could be something else that can be treated.

Has he never had his prostrate problem treated? No wonder he is tired if he gets up so many times in the night.

The NHS will treat people regardless of age, so I agree contacting the GP or practice nurse would be a good start.

You don't mention your age but I suspect you aren't getting any younger either with two ageing parents- so make sure you get plenty of time for yourself too.

I agree that you clearly love your parents very much but there is no shame in trying to get help that is available for them, and for yourself.

I also agree with the people saying the body begins the process of winding down and this could be a signal that he is getting ready for the inevitable, or with treatment and help he may have a good few years left- who knows?

I hope you get the help and advice you need to help with this situation.

You are being a very caring daughter, I would suggest his thyroid should be checked, coldness and tiredness are two symptoms of hypothyroidism.

keepingquiet, even someone who’s had their prostate treated may well still be up and down in the night to the loo. Plus, it’s often simply an age thing. I’m up and down a lot in the night for the loo and I don’t have a prostate!

I had this with my wife in the final weeks, she regained strength 3 times which gave hope then the downwards progress continued. All you can do is make your father as comfortable as possible, arrange what help you need and prepare yourself for the worst. We are all going to face this situation, doing your best is the most you can do.

Much sympathy

I recognise the beginning of this winding down in myself. The naps and the feeling cold.

With food my digestion simply doesn’t digest. I often don’t feel hungry because the last thing I ate feels as if it’s still sitting there hours later.

If I am honest, I simply could not cope with somebody else to look after too. Perhaps, even with all the help you are giving (and I do think you are marvellous) it is simply too much for him. Living with someone with dementia is exhausting even when you are younger and well.

Is there any way you can arrange some care for your mum and then have him to stay with you for a couple of weeks. Or would he agree for them both to have a “holiday” in a lovely care home where others would be responsible for your mum.

It might not make a difference to his winding down physically but I think it would help him with tiredness and tedium.

I also think that he needs to be checked medically.

There are some kind, helpful posts on here. Yes, you are doing a wonderful job and they are very lucky to have such a caring daughter nearby.

Your father may just be winding down but perhaps he does need to see the GP. Under the circumstances and with your mother having dementia, will the GP make a house visit?

Extra help should be available too.

Has he never had his prostrate problem treated? No wonder he is tired if he gets up so many times in the night.
Yes, that is a cause of day-time tiredness.

I'm not sure what treatment he could have though. Is it wise to undergo that as you get older and there is a risk of complications? There is medication which can be prescribed but that has side effects.

Is there any way you can arrange some care for your mum and then have him to stay with you for a couple of weeks. Or would he agree for them both to have a “holiday” in a lovely care home where others would be responsible for your mum.

Good idea, Lsthyrus
Some respite care - aka a holiday.

I hope I didn't come across as uncaring with my earlier comment.

I went through a terrible time with my very , very elderly parents. I would have appreciated some honesty and kindness.
It might be helpful just to sketch out a few ideas in your mind OP as emotion can make this tricky.

This is a normal process, as life comes to a gentle end. The body's organs and their functions slowly wind down. He's tired because his 94 yr old heart is in decline, napping because his 94 yr old brain is shrinking. Less responsive.
He's not hungry because his worn out body no longer needs to build new cells; his digestive system will slowly stop processing food.

He might enjoy some very tiny snacks that have quite a strong flavour; a little marmite or gentlemans relish on a finger of buttered bread. A tiny bowl of rhubarb ad custard.
A small glass of his favourite tipple. But don't be disappointed surprised if he's not interested and completely stops eating or drinking. That is normal, natural,.

Keep him comfy. A heated lap blanket. Now, peeing;

Almost all old men develop an enlarged prostate which presses on the bladder, reducing its capacity, so it feels full and needs to empty far more often. (It's not cancer, just old body) Getting up to pee several times at night results. There are ways to manage the frequency of night pee disrupting sleep.

DH is in full remission from prostate cancer and has learned to live with the numerous permanent side effects of his successful treatment; includes reduced bladder capacity . By day he just pees more often. (Bushes, bottles; no blushes) He's found by experimentation that if he drinks no liquids after 7 pm, then a bed time pee leaves bladder empty enough for good unbroken sleep all night long. Wakes up rested.

Some one nearing the end of life, no longer needs to " eat well and drink lots of water to stay healthy" . Their body cells have stopped renewing; their organs are reducing function ready to shut down. That can happen very quickly.

It's time to switch the carers mindset away from " Keeping them alive" to " letting them go gently'

"Staying hydrated" is now less important than a very old man being comfy and safe at night. Then he doesn't worry about pee accidents, can get better sleep,and doesnt risk falling on sleepy /exhausted night trips to bathroom.

See what works; reducing evening liquids; incontinence pants, a bucket or urine bottle beside the bed .

I'm afraid the time is fast approaching when he physically can't carry the responsibility for mum when you're not there. He may already sense that and be struggling with guilt and fear there will be some crisis when they are alone in the house. You're no doubt sharing that same dread. Talk to him.

Can you afford to buy in additional day time visits by a team of carers? Or seek help from Social Services. Their GP should be able to help.

Or, they might need residential respite care.

Do you know any retired nurses, unemployed family members, students on study leave, experienced friends who could move in to dad's home for a few days/ week/ pick up the slack while you sort something out.

If ever there was a time to call in a favour; deploy all your work skillset( organising and communicating).. now is it.

Good reply butterandjam.

Everyone may be right.
Or he may live to 104.

A GP appointment?
See if he will go outside in the fresh air. And a view if there is one?
A visit from someone?
Some little treats he likes?