Getting cold feet

With each of you having having a family living with you, how are you going to find any time just for yourselves? Why can't your DD and SIL rent? I accept that they want to get a better house but it could be at the loss of your partner. How would you feel about that?

I understand that people put their children first but grown up ones? Of course it's different if they ill and having a difficult time but your DD is moving in with you just so that she can save for a better property?

I hope you partner doesn't want to end the relationship.
It would certainly have come under a lot of strain if you'd gone ahead with the plans for everyone to live together.
I hope he can see that you and he have dodged a bullet on that one.

It sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen.

I too think you should stay in your own homes. It will be very difficult for either of you to relax with each other's children around. I believe it will lead to all sorts of stresses and resentments.

I now see I should have read your recent post before commenting.

I think you are doing the right thing. Hopefully your partner will realise that you are being sensible and your decision should not affect your previously happy relationship. Good luck.

We met up last night to talk things through. It wasn’t easy.
He, understandably feels very hurt.
We talked for hours and agreed we didn’t want to split up but the shock of me pulling out has triggered the feelings of rejection from when he ex wife left him.
I think I managed to convince him that I’m still committed to our relationship and we agreed that once the kids are all settled we could think about moving forward together once more.
I think he needs a bit of time to process this hurdle as he really wasn’t expecting it.
I’m not 100% convinced we’ll get over this. Only time will tell.
I still plan to sell my house which shocked him a bit, but he understands that it’s getting to a stage where it needs so much doing to it that I can’t afford to do. Plus, at 57 I am fed up of so much of my wages going on a big mortgage.
I told him I am happy to sell up again in a couple of years, so he mustn’t think I am buying a smaller place to create a life alone. It’s purely for financial reasons that I am ploughing ahead with that.
To be honest, had the boot been on the other foot, I know I would question his commitment to me and I would feel hurt and let down. I tend to be stubborn and bear a grudge, so I am grateful he’s not acting as I probably would!
Thanks for all your advice
I knew what had to do, but just needed confirmation that it was the right thing

I know it’s been decided now Flaxseed but I would have gone ahead with the move to a house that you obviously love.
This may well concentrate the thoughts of both your adult children and his.Whilst you have separate houses you could be used ( even if you don’t mind) as a Mum or Dad hotel for their convenience.A joint house may put them off living with you.
They are too old to be living with you unless they have real problems of some kind.Good luck anyway, sounds as if you have a stressful life.?

Good luck Flaxseed. I suspect this will focus a few people’s minds on how their expectations have impacted on your and your partners lives. I hope you have a positive outcome but, as no doubt you know, if it was going to work it will work and if it wasn’t, no amount of houses are going to solve it. I wish you all the best. Good luck with the new house. X

lemongrove thanks for a different point of view.
My DD’s temporary stay was decided ages ago. Property in the SE is so expensive and I was willing to help out temporarily and wasn’t going to go back on my word. I think their stay will be more temporary than originally planned anyway.
It was also agreed that his son would move with us too.
Although stressful, I probably could have coped. What I hadn’t reckoned on was the sons gf, DP’s DD and her dog rocking up too, with no immediate plans to move on.
Just thinking about it again gives me palpitations.
I’ll be happy for us to live together, alone, in the future and should a child need temporary accommodation they will be welcome.
But to move en masse with that lot? No. Years ago I might have found it hard to say no and would have just put up and shut up at the expense of my own mental health. But I’m too old to suffer in silence now .
Even if DP decides he can’t get past this hurdle, I still won’t regret my decision.
I have checked Right Move and the house is already under offer again. I’m glad for the vendors

polarbear
Thank you.

All the very best Flaxseed. You are obviously a very caring and thoughtful person who is being pulled in lots of different directions. I do hope it all works out for you as your needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

So here I go, putting my head above the parapet to be shot down. I know I'll get a lot of abuse for saying this, from a lot of people BUT
How old are these "children"?
Do they realise they are breaking your relationship with their childish dependence on Mummy and Daddy giving them homes? I hope you haven't ruined your DP's faith in you, and vise versa, because unless these children are really children, you don't owe them a home at the expense of your own happiness.
Tine they stood on their own two feet.

ExD
I welcome all opinions so thanks for your contribution!

My DD didn’t ask to come back and stay, I offered. This was last year before we even found this ‘dream house’
My house is big enough, I didn’t want them losing their buyer as they have had a bit of a nightmare over the last year with a sale falling through.
They both need to be local for work/GS nursery. They don’t actually need to stay as long as we first thought as they now have access to some funds that will allow them to move on as soon as possible. They moved in this weekend and whilst it’s lovely having them here, they came with a fair few belongings. It confirmed that it would have been a logistical nightmare to move with more adults too!
His children are a couple of years younger than mine (all in 20’s) and have been more privileged. Privately educated, not had jobs until well after leaving uni.
DP has always encouraged them to travel and that was their plans - until the world descended into Covid chaos.
Therefore, they need a base until they can set off again. And who knows when that will be?
I can’t tell him he’s wrong. I can’t say his children can’t live with us until it’s time to go again.
But most of all, I can’t live with so many adults when myself and DP haven’t even lived together ourselves before.
We are supporting our children temporarily, but I am just not sure how temporary it will be. Things are still very strained between us, but short of making them all homeless we have no other option. No one earns enough to privately rent and we couldn’t make exceptions. It would have to be all of them go, or between us we support them all for the time being. It feels like an impossible situation where unfortunately our relationship is the thing suffering.
I just hope he can get his head round the fact I don’t want us to split up and that I want us to move in together when the children are settled.
Neither of our ex’s are particularly supportive of the children so we do both feel like have to compensate for that.

Aww, he’s probably a really nice man who has this vision of a house full of love and laughter and fun. I blame television sitcoms?

Probably when he’s had a couple of weeks with his family in his house he’ll see your point of view?

It’s wasn’t just you two getting on with each other’s children was it? You might have managed that. It would also have been your daughter and her family having to get on with his children.

DP and myself stayed with my sister for a few weeks between selling and buying. Three mature, reasonable adults. Guess who was piggy in the middle when it came to getting on each other’s nerves!? Guess who would have been referee in your set up!!!

Absolutely the right decision flaxseed?