Downsizing. Have to but don’t want to

I used to work in the community helping people who had had strokes, and other life changing disabilities, to manage at home. Sometimes it wasn't going to be possible in the long term....not difficult, impossible, and although I never showed it, it used to make me crazy how people couldn't possible move "because of the memories" Its bricks and mortar folks, you will always have the memories. Honestly one woman wanted her husband in a wheelchair to sleep and mostly live in the garden shed rather than leave the house she was born in.

I like my house and love my garden (been here 30 plus years) but if I could I would be out of here like a shot because of the practical problems its giving me.

As I understand it, in many places, you can't view houses for sale unless your own home is at least on the market or you are a cash buyer.

My advice to you would be to decide on what you do or don't want in your next home and take a look around online to see what is available and what it would cost. That alone may make the decision for you one way or another. I wouldn't be worried about the being left alone on account of age thing. No one can see the future, I was left alone aged 58 when my husband died from a brief illness (cancer). If its heating, then can you shut off some rooms? You could do a repairs/maintenance list and set it against any savings you have to get a more realistic feel for that...and what do you mean by "manage" ? Look on it as afun "what if" exercise rather than some huge terrifying event.

crying won't help you or anybody and you don't have to make any kind of decision right up until you make an offer on a new house....all the rest is fact gathering. Honestly I mean this kindly but get a grip. You seem to be making yourself miserable for no good reason.

We had watched both sets of parents put off moving and struggle with houses that they really couldn't manage. It was difficult for everyone - them and the rest of the family trying to help/ keep tabs on repairs/ keep the gardens under control.
Consequently we decided to move when we retired. We didn't so much downsize as 'flatten out' as our new bungalow has a similar footprint to our house but no stairs instead of three flights! We were so lucky that this bungalow came onto the market at just the right time.

In preparation for the move we spent a lot of time sorting through our belongings before we even began house-hunting and consequently felt that we had said our goodbyes by the time to hand the keys over finally came. We like to think of our beloved family house being enjoyed by a family rather than rattled around in by two dry old sticks.

As others have said you will know when the time is right for you.

Make a list, perhaps, of things a new home must have, and think of things which would be more convenient now.
Then you could look online at places and narrow them down.
Then you could make a list of things you must take, and things which might be able to go.
Then you are still in charge.

You can leave the list making anytime it gets too much, and try again another time.

Lilypops

If must be a huge wrench for you.

We live in a large Victorian house it’s over 3 floors, there is just the two of us, though we are 58 and 65.

The problem is the maintenance of these houses, it really is like painting the Severn bridge!
It’s very sad to see houses in our Avenue falling into a state of disrepair as the residents get older.

Think what a joy it would be to have a smaller possibly newer property without all the maintenance issues.

Good removal firms will help pack and take a lot of the strain of moving.

If you were to convert your property then consider the noise issues, I don’t think it would feel like home anymore.

We sold our house last year but couldn't find anywhere suitable to move to, so we stayed. I am so relieved as I didn't really want to downsize. If you don't have a financial need to move, then I'd take the pressure off yourself to make a decision, especially as your husband doesn't want to move. Think the unthinkable. We had a good heart to heart about what each of us would do if the other died suddenly or had severe mobility problems. We talked to our daughter, we thought about what needed to be done to our current house to make it easier to run and look after. We realised that actually there wasn't a need to sell up and that if and when the time came we would almost certainly be looking to move to something smaller than we were considering.
It costs a lot of money to move and actually if we considered stamp duty, agents fees etc + the increased value of our current house, it didn't make financial sense either. We will move one day but not now.

Sago. I don’t think we would ever convert to two flats. I know it would give us an income but we think of the noise , the intrusion as it would have to be entry by the same front door,
I would love a fairly new build , there are some new ones nearby but usually too expensive , but we keep an eye on the market just in case !

Hi Green lady. Thankyou for your input, I appreciate what you are getting at, but unless you can imagine the strong feelings this house holds, it’s very hard to get a grip. , we moved in as newly weds in 1968 , so many memories are here and I really really wish I could just walk away with no sentimental feelings , but I know we must , I can’t not feel sad about it and DH feels the same. What are we like !!!

foxie48

We sold our house last year but couldn't find anywhere suitable to move to, so we stayed. I am so relieved as I didn't really want to downsize. If you don't have a financial need to move, then I'd take the pressure off yourself to make a decision, especially as your husband doesn't want to move. Think the unthinkable. We had a good heart to heart about what each of us would do if the other died suddenly or had severe mobility problems. We talked to our daughter, we thought about what needed to be done to our current house to make it easier to run and look after. We realised that actually there wasn't a need to sell up and that if and when the time came we would almost certainly be looking to move to something smaller than we were considering.
It costs a lot of money to move and actually if we considered stamp duty, agents fees etc + the increased value of our current house, it didn't make financial sense either. We will move one day but not now.

Foxie48. Sound advice from someone who nearly moved but am sure you are so relieved you stayed. , we are not infirm , far from it but admit to feeling at times a bit overwhelmed by the thought of moving , , along with our aches and pains that we get , my worry has always been we won’t be able to adapt to moving as we get older, but, maybe we will just know the time has come to do it , then it won’t be too sad or difficult to go.

Two priorities:

1. Can you afford the extra expenses of an old house e.g. roofing, pointing, windows, building regulations?

2. You will definitely need a ground floor bathroom preferably wet room as you both become less mobile. Is there one or can you afford to make one by an extension or by moving stud walls?

I would add that infirmities creep up on us more quickly than we expect as we age. One minute we think we’re pretty fit, next it’s a different story. I would say definitely do it before you have to do it, when it will be much more difficult physically and emotionally.

lilypops, there are some superb answers on this thread. Main is to get started, don`t wait until you are older. I did it by myself at age 72, a whole house, not as big as yours but I did it. It was not easy but I know I still have energy at age 74 and could do it again and so could you. It was incredibly worth it, I got rid of so much stuff, knowing I have helped a lot of people is very satisfying

My reward was to be safe and snug in a new build with 4 bedrooms, albeit 3 are small and one of those is now my sewing room. New builds are extremely well insulated and have downstairs cloakrooms. Very easy for me to clean and manage

Someone mentioned doing one room at a time, I would second that, otherwise it really could be overwhelming and you could end up staying put in a house that becomes decrepid and no longer enjoyable

Where I live, I did see a company that offers help to people trying to downsize, what a godsend that would have been

Caleo

Two priorities:

1. Can you afford the extra expenses of an old house e.g. roofing, pointing, windows, building regulations?

2. You will definitely need a ground floor bathroom preferably wet room as you both become less mobile. Is there one or can you afford to make one by an extension or by moving stud walls?

Caleo. A downstairs toilet is on our priority list , where we are now there is no where to build one. We have gone in to this thoroughly, We won’t be able to afford any major repairs to this house. We really need a newish build, with smaller rooms to carpet if needed. To heat, and to keep heated and clean

karmalady

lilypops, there are some superb answers on this thread. Main is to get started, don`t wait until you are older. I did it by myself at age 72, a whole house, not as big as yours but I did it. It was not easy but I know I still have energy at age 74 and could do it again and so could you. It was incredibly worth it, I got rid of so much stuff, knowing I have helped a lot of people is very satisfying

My reward was to be safe and snug in a new build with 4 bedrooms, albeit 3 are small and one of those is now my sewing room. New builds are extremely well insulated and have downstairs cloakrooms. Very easy for me to clean and manage

Someone mentioned doing one room at a time, I would second that, otherwise it really could be overwhelming and you could end up staying put in a house that becomes decrepid and no longer enjoyable

Where I live, I did see a company that offers help to people trying to downsize, what a godsend that would have been

Karmalady. Yes there is some excellent advice on here as always and I am grateful to everyone who has contributed
We will start to look around and hope there is something out there that fits every criteria,
I am sure that when we find our perfect house we will both just know that this is it ,and feel happy.
Thankyou everyone for advice. Much appreciated x

We moved just before Covid struck when we were in our mid 60's. We procrastinated for a couple of years before that, as the thought was so daunting. We had a large period cottage with a very large garden. I was terrified of the fact that we often got mice in, which was something my husband always dealt with and couldn't face the thought of dealing with that on my own. I had also seen my parents struggle with a large garden, so was well aware of the problems around that. We also (mistakenly) convinced ourselves that our property was so unique and quirky that it would prove difficult to sell.

The clincher in the end was that our daughter asked us to seriously consider moving, and she was expecting our first grandchild. We did a massive clearout before putting our house on the market and it sold within a fortnight. We found a modern four bed detached house with a garage and a small garden for a considerably cheaper price than our previous house. We're still about half an hour from our daughter, we didn't want to live on their doorstep. We bought in an area where we have access to village shop, pub, fish and chip shop, doctors and about half an hour on the bus to a major city. The bus stop is a short walk from our house.

We are glad we didn't leave it any later - we are both very fit but honestly it does take its toll, the worst part in my opinion being the stressful legal work needed for buying and selling. I think you get less confident about all this the older you get.

It's very hard - maybe you could think about starting the ball rolling by getting a couple of estate agents valuations? That doesn't commit you to definite action, but it would confirm what your budget would be in you decide to move. I sympathise, it's certainly not easy to leave a beloved house where you've bought up your children and lived for many years. But I can confirm you can be totally happy in a new property and we're so glad for our new adventure. Also despite going from a 17th century cottage to a 20 year old house, the new house still throws up a few issues occasionally - nothing's perfect and there's always maintenance to be done!!!!! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Don’t wait - do it while you are, as you say, fairly fit. Best decision I ever made. Well, quite frankly, divorce took it out of my hands. I stayed in the large family home, for a few years after , but it was getting too much , although I too, was younger and fairly fit. Since moving to my present house, I haven’t looked back. Although this house has 4 bedrooms (grandchildren stay over occasionally) it is compact. The garden is small and mostly paved over. No regrets whatsoever.
Your husband is 88 and quite fit, so do it now. Good luck!

My husband is 88 and we hope to move soon. We have a classic three bedroomed house at moment so not too big and we love it but sometimes you have to be practical. We are moving to a fairly new detached two bedrooms house in a dearer area. We will be very near our younger son and half hour away from older son. I look forward to arranging the house and buying things like new curtains and lamps and exploring a new area. So please put a positive spin on the move. Good luck.

We will be looking to move at some point from our home of 25 years. We love it here but our children have left the area and won’t ever return. We are in a rural area where it will be difficult to get old, with all the services having gone from our village.

I’m looking at it as a chance for another family to raise their children here and enjoy all that we’ve enjoyed over the years. Since Christmas we’ve had a massive declutter and once I got into it, I found it almost enjoyable! It is hard to part with things but I came up with a system of asking myself whether we would ever use/watch/read etc whatever the item was, or would it sit forever in a cupboard. If it didn’t fulfil some function or other, useful or aesthetic, out it went.

I also spent a bit of money on buying flat pack boxes (from the big river company) which made sorting things out so much easier.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Lots of good advice on here Lilypops and lots to consider. I agree with Germanshepherdsmum that infirmities creep up as you age. Fast forward 10 years when you’ll be 82 and DH 98. Do you think this present house will meet your needs? If not will you be fit enough to move then?
My mother aged 97 left it too late, and she fell downstairs and hasn’t walked since. Her big house is now in a poor state of repair and her large garden needs maintenance. All these expenses to be paid for from her modest pension.
I know it’s wrench leaving a family home but I would at least have some viewings of something you can afford? Location is the main thing IMO.

Calendargirl

For what it’s worth, I think the time to make the move is before you need to, not after. Plus it’s a seller’s market at the moment,which will apply to you as a buyer also of course.

You cannot live in the past, though it’s difficult to think of uprooting I know.

Totally agree. I definitely don’t want to be here on my own. Too much to go wrong and worry about. Plus it’s easier to throw things away when there are two of you.
It’s on my list of things to do.
So many of my older clients have left it too long and then the move is even more traumatic and usually comes after worrying about upkeep and gardeners etc. for years.

I feel for you Lilypops.
The sensible thing to do is to make the move soon as you are unlikely to find it easy if you put it off until you’re older.
It won’t be easy on an emotional level at any time.

I agree that it's just bricks and mortar. It's far more important to be comfortable than to hold on to the past.
We downsized last year. We made enough money from the sale to get our new place as we want it. No worries about energy prices and far less upkeep.
I'd have no qualms about downsizing again in the future.
My parents went from a 3 bed semi to a one bed flat as they wanted to enjoy life not be slaves to house upkeep. I would like the same.
Moving is not for wimps but neither is getting older.

This is of interest to me too, very interesting replies.

One thing that struck me, not a nice thought but eventually only one of us will be left, alone. I would much rather go through such a move as a couple, it is always a stressful time. We could support each other, and it's always good to have someone to talk through decisions with. From choice of house/area to the little things like colour of decor etc. Once the move was done, you would both feel so relieved. Then you could start making memories together in your new home.

I know many are not that lucky and have to do it alone, very hard. Just another point to consider.

A very valid one.

Oh how I sympathise, Lilypops. Although our house is not Victorian , we are almost the same age as you and your husband ( same age gap).We can manage the house , but it will need work soon and the huge garden is too much . Friends say getting a gardener is the way to go ,but paying for this will have to come out of savings , and we had hoped the cost of moving would come out of the profit from downsizing. Our house is sold ( subject to contract ) but we cannot find anything to buy, that is not crammed into a v small plot on an estate, and living with wide open space with incredible views makes this difficult.Also bear in mind that the market is very difficult for buying at the moment: to many people chasing too few houses.
You could put your house on the market and hope that you find a patient buyer while you look. Fortunately our laws regarding house selling allow you to pull out if you don’t find anything.I’m very aware of “future proofing”: e.g. potential,for a downstairs bedroom and bathroom which may be the same for you. At the same time I wonder if we should stay where we are until one of us pops off as it will be much easier to find a suitable house for a single person. Hope this is food for thought.

I agree about moving before it’s forced upon you by illness or worse. Decision-making when under pressure is dreadful and you may end up with no choice at all.

At least by doing it now, it’s under your control.