Downsizing. Have to but don’t want to

I so agree with seacliff. Moving is always going to be easier as a couple and yes, when sadly one of you is left on your own you will have memories you have made together in your new house. I think you need to try to look on a move as a positive moving forward step rather than a negative regretting what you feel you are leaving behind one. It's just the next adventure for you both.

I can understand how you feel Lilypops
We talked for years about downsizing but without much urgency and I don't believe DH was ever really keen. He became ill and died a year ago so now I am in this huge place all by myself!
I love it in the summer but it is very cold at the moment so does seem daft.
I love where it is and the surroundings.
Friends tell me different things:
I will know when the time is right.
Convert it to flats.
Build a small house in the garden just for me.
Get shot of it and all its problems -move to a much smaller place and spend any money released on travel.
Don't leave it until it is no longer your choice.
I have looked around but haven't seen anything that has tempted me yet.
I will take the plunge. I don't think I can manage many more winters here.
I hope you are able to make a decision soon.

Atqui

Oh how I sympathise, Lilypops. Although our house is not Victorian , we are almost the same age as you and your husband ( same age gap).We can manage the house , but it will need work soon and the huge garden is too much . Friends say getting a gardener is the way to go ,but paying for this will have to come out of savings , and we had hoped the cost of moving would come out of the profit from downsizing. Our house is sold ( subject to contract ) but we cannot find anything to buy, that is not crammed into a v small plot on an estate, and living with wide open space with incredible views makes this difficult.Also bear in mind that the market is very difficult for buying at the moment: to many people chasing too few houses.
You could put your house on the market and hope that you find a patient buyer while you look. Fortunately our laws regarding house selling allow you to pull out if you don’t find anything.I’m very aware of “future proofing”: e.g. potential,for a downstairs bedroom and bathroom which may be the same for you. At the same time I wonder if we should stay where we are until one of us pops off as it will be much easier to find a suitable house for a single person. Hope this is food for thought.

Atqui. Thankyou for your input. My DH has actually said, why not leave moving till I am gone then you can decide where you want to live without considering me, that just made me feel even more tearful , but it makes sense, its just that 8 hoped to make this move as a couple, I can’t imagine moving on my own

I'm a failed downsizer. We lived in our previous home for 40 years and raised our family there. Added to that sentiment we had bought a dump and renovated it ourselves, over many years, to a very comfortable home. The property was on acreage which was why we bought it and in an area which over a short time took off in terms of development.
We held out much longer than many and it paid off for us.

5 years ago we decided it was time to move on but we had to deal with the sentiments of the property. OH is the least sentimental person on this earth so he had no issues. We spent 3 years getting a development plan in place and then sold.
The next step of buying was another marathon and it took over a year to find our current home. We did have some very specific must haves which we would not budge on. One of which was a single story home on a near flat block of land and no steps inside. At the time I was having difficulty in managing steps and suddenly that deterioated to not being able to manage them at all.
Our new home is way bigger than the old but it had to be to get our absolute must haves in the area we wanted. We are fortunate in that we are in a very sound financial position and when needed we can afford to have people do things for us. I just need to convince OH that is is fine to pay someone to do hedge trimming, lawn mowing , painting etc.

Leading up to our move I did go through many emotions but all the memories came with me. Clearing out was a challenge, I had many things that were over 50 years old, some I was given for specific achievements. Thing is I never used them but found it hard to let them go. Eventually I reconciled that by telling myself had I used them they most likely would have been broken! I don't need to be in the home to remember the events or sentiments. The worst thing for me was imagining someone else in "our" home because we had put so much of ourselves into it physically and emotionally. That however, was a non event because the house was bulldozed for the building of the new homes we planned.

We did go and watch the demolition of the house and it was quite a release of the emotions. Suddenly the circle was joined up and complete.

We had 2 moves in 12 months as we rented until we found our new home - here in Australia when we sell the date for settlement is agreed at the time of sale and the contract signed. Thus one knows exactly when they are moving. At 70/71 it was hard work even though we had the removalist pack and move us.

My mum was reluctant to downsize but didn’t preclude it at some vague point in the future. She loved her enormous house in a village without amenities 8 miles from the nearest town. It was an amazing house in many ways.

Her health deteriorated but she masked it for a long time and we didn’t realise how squalid the house had become beyond the kitchen. We had a battle to get her to accept a cleaner, despite her having one during my childhood. She fell several times in the house which was a death trap.

When she became unable to drive only one supermarket would deliver to the village and there was a minimum delivery charge of £7 and orders had to be above £40 which for a single woman with a small appetite was tricky.

She then deteriorated to the point where she needed domiciliary care visits. It was a nightmare as I went through the list of agencies provided by the social worker and they informed me they didn’t cover Little Village. I finally found one, - with a travel surplus charged over the hourly rate for every visit because of the location.

The bathroom was upstairs and the shower was above a bath she could no longer get in and out of so she washed infrequently with wet-wipes, and unfortunately she became very dirty and smelly, I would go and she would be wearing dirty stained clothes because she rarely wore her glasses and didn’t realise. I got calls from the cleaner and people in the village worried about the same. Mum had always been a very glamorous woman who cared about her appearance. She still did care, she was wearing filthy expensive old clothes with her jewellery and accessories carefully placed on top.

She had a final fall in the house, spent time in hospital and was then discharged to a care home as she was correctly assessed as being unable to cope in her home unless her strength an mobility improved. She never saw her home again and loathed being in the (lovely) home with old people and would only talk to the care staff. She couldn’t be persuaded to join the social activities or use the lounges or garden. There were plenty of other interesting and intelligent residents.

Mum’s last 5 years of life were full of frustrations, indignities and the closing of doors. Had she moved to a manageable accessible house close to amenities her quality of life would have been much better. It is an irony that her “independence” led to premature dependency. It was awful to live through and although I didn’t everything I could and saw her at least weekly but more often usually, from 45 minutes drive away with a full-time job and a dependent child I couldn’t do everything she needed.

It negatively affected our relationship because she saw me advocating for a cleaner and later, her accepting the need for domiciliary care, as me telling her what to do and “treating me like I’m gaga”. In the last week of her life when she was very weak, I was talking about all the lovely things we’d done over the years and how she’d made Christmas magical etc. and she got upset and said she thought she’d been “silly” and “spoilt it recently”. Of course we reassured her that she hadn’t, but I wish she’d made it a bit easier for us and above all for her.

Just to add to the above; at 75, my mum would never have imagined herself living as she was just 7 years later, or making the choices she did.

She had no dementia but with age and infirmity there are common changes and patterns. Speaking to friends in similar situations and on the Aging Parents board you hear it time and time again.

Lilypops as most posters have said, it won’t get any easier to move, time marches on and TBH you could drop dead before your husband, as a neighbour of ours did a couple of years ago, leaving her infirm husband alone and unable to cope.
So the time to move is now, whilst you are still able to declutter and sort through your home to make it an easy move, then you get the movers to do all of the packing for you.
However, you say you have 3 reception rooms. Why not turn one room into a bedroom with an en-suite? in the meantime, empty the upstairs rooms of everything except the essential furniture, get thermostats for your radiators and leave them on low, close the curtains and shut the doors.
Concentrate on making your downstairs the main area of your home, at least when you are unable to go upstairs you know you will be able to live on a single floor and you will have totally decluttered.
Trust me, there is always room for a downstairs bedroom when you have 3 reception rooms, it might take a bit of jiggling around but it’s doable and whilst not cheaper than moving house, it’s less emotional.

I don't regret for a minute downsizing and moving over 100 miles from where I lived. My husband died 18 years ago today aged 47 I was 45. But still had both parents and mother in law dependent on me so couldn't move to live closer to my children. Mom was the last to died in 2017. Unfortunately not long afterwards got jaundice from 2 sorts of tablets I had been taking for years. 5 months of being seriously ill gives you a lot of time to think. Only wanted 3 things move, lose weight and get fit. House went on the market March 2018. Luckily accepted an offer in June and found my bungalow. Day of exchange in September buyer pulled out . Devastated . Got another buyer October. March 2019 buyer pulled out 4 days before exchange. Can not describe how devastated I was. Week later got another buyer. Should have moved May but their solicitor was a a nightmare finally moved August. Luckily everytime the executors of the will waited for me as I would have been heartbroken to lose the bungalow.

House buying and selling is not easy and is stressful until you exchange people can pull out. If you are thinking about moving don't out it off do it. The paperwork alone is enough to drive you batty. And people are liars . Never believe someone is a cash buyer unless your solicitor has seen a copy of their bank account. Also it costs a fortune to sell and buy . I moved in August 2019 the costs have risen since then. Also property prices . My bungalow has increased in value by £70k .

If you want to downsize do it. My running costs are a lot less than my large 3 bed house. Also it's warmer. Bungalows are more expensive to buy but cheaper to run.

Moving is only going to get more expensive as the years go by. As you get older health problems appear and you haven't got the same energy. I moved on my own. Did all my own packing etc. Also the first couple of years in your new home is all pay out as you get it as you want. Mine was all finished before Christmas. Had everything done. So happy I moved. Love my home. Brilliant neighbours and see my daughter and family every week. Plus health care here excellent.

If you want to move do it don't wait.

whiff she tells it well, downsizing is quite a journey, best to do it before it is an enforced process, when you may have to stay put or be moved to care or assisted living

What I disagree on is having to have facilities downstairs, it is very easy to have and use a stairlift to a walk in shower upstairs. My elderly mother did just that and loved her small house, in spite of having severe RA

Almost every couple ends up as one, the stress involved when that happens overshadows the stress of moving, which is best and easiest done as a couple. It would have been lovely to have had a valued second opinion and help with paperwork, decor etc. Procrastination truly is the thief of time

Such a cautionary tale Loulady !
And Spice and Whiff have given me food for thought so no doubt Lilypops too.

I am at an "in-between" stage. I am trying to declutter and do urgent repairs and improvements so that the house will be saleable as well as easier for just me, and not bulldozed like Spice's
I have been living in 2 rooms, a granny annexe, which I am about to let out to help pay some of the bills.
The rest of the house is freezing.

My MiL who is still in her own house, has been managing, since Lockdown began and the carers and cleaners no longer visited, with her 2 remaining DC taking turns to live with her and care for her and to keep her out of a care home/hospital. She is frail but has no dementia. Last week they had a power cut and within minutes she was freezing up. The stair lift didn't work and everything is electric from doorbell to kettle.
I rescued them to mine to thaw out.

At 73 I don't feel ready for a bungalow but I may think about a flat. DD says I must have a lift

karmalady you seem to have got everything right at least for your DM.

my mother passed 25 years ago, she stayed in that house right up to the day she had a severe stroke.

I've just downsized as cash-poor /asset-rich and I want to retire early, so that has to be paid for too.
I now live in a beautiful 2 bed apartment with balconies. No garden is bliss. Of course there is an annual management fee (mine is £120 a month) that includes building insurance. It pays for lift maintenance, the communal gardens, all the exterior type things, the communal area is well lit and heated.
The sense of relief is totally liberating. Yes, it will be stressful so I would recommend you use a proper estage agent and lete them take the strain. With covid I had to be out of the house during viewings, which was better for me - I just popped out and did my errands - no problem. Not sure if it's the same now.
Start to de-clutter - be ruthless - if you can!. Do you have anyone that can sell/give away things on your behalf? Facebook Market Place is brilliant, plus there are freecycle facilities.
See it as a project, and try to get into it with positivity. Why? The benefits are immense - you will soon see that, once you're sipping a cup of tea on the balcony and watching the sunset - lovely.

My friends are ‘downsizing’ but they don’t really want to move. Their current house is becoming a bit too much to manage, mainly the large garden. Their new bungalow doesn’t have what they were looking for and they are making do, it will not lend itself to make it how they want it. I cannot understand why they are buying something they know isn’t right for them. I just hope they will be happy, they are moving a long way from their friends. Concerned.

I hope DMiL will be like your mother karmalady. However she and DFiL were very unlike DH and myself. They were always moving house. They/she have only been in their current house for 15 years. They were married for 76 years and have lived in a mansion, an old church, a bungalow, a farmhouse in France and this more conventional house.

We bought this doer-upper when we were young and fit.
At least I have no problem, apart from financial, asking for help. I host volunteers too although that has dried up since covid quite a bit.

I have a walk in shower and can live in one room downstairs if I have to.

Good luck to your friends Shropshirelass . It is tales like this that worry me. People think and know they ought to move but their hearts are not in it.
Heatherbee well done you!
We are all different though, thankfully. It makes life interesting.
I managed to sell something on gumtree a few weeks ago - only another 10k items to go.

I would say in response to some suggestions:

Turning a reception room with an en-suite may be impossible. You need a large reception room for that which you don’t have to walk through to reach another, with plumbing and drainage available. Costly if it can be done and may devalue the house as a family home.

A stair lift will break down, leaving you stranded, in the event of a power cut.

Please downsize to a home suitable for your future needs while you are both fit and well.

That should have said Turning a reception room into a bedroom with en-suite….

Grammaretto I am always surprised how many older people say they are looking for a bungalow when down\=sizing and not a flat.

A bungalow may give you single storey living, BUT still has all the same problems as a house with regards to roof, gutterings, garden, fences, etc. etc.

So, unless having a garden is something you could not do without, then a flat is a much better option. Would not recommend any of the so-called retirement flats, which appear to be smaller, with large service charges, etc. Just a normal block. Obviously, a lift is imperative - but does leave you the choice of using stairs on those occasions you can.

Obviously, ALL flats have a service charge, but if you live in a bungalow/house, etc you would likely be allocating money for on-going maintenance, and this is just the same. If you can find a block that is self-managed, then that can mean the service charge is not at all expensive. Our service charge covers not just all the obvious building insurance, etc, and ongoing maintenance of the building, etc. but ALL water charges, and a 24\7 contract for all flats with British Gas for our individual combi boilers and CH. The public areas are kept spotless and regularly decorated - all for £1500 pa- is not bad. It also provides our own community giving us company if we want it, whilst having the total privacy of our own flats. All have balconys - some of these are quite large and private - one is large enough to have a greenhouse, and garden shed. Flats also provide a feeling of genuine security and safety. Your own insurance will be cheap as will only be required for Contents, and energy consumption tends to be lower in a flat than in bungalow or house.

Moving - as you get older - is very stressful. I can remember moving house when I was well on in pregnancy, with a couple of very small children, and cannot remember much real stress, equally, some years later moving with disabled hubbie, dog, cat and five young children (including 16-month old twins, and - again - cannot really remember any great stress. However, when I last moved, two years ago from house to this flat- it was a long and horribly stressful journey. Selling and buying property has got a lot more difficult - but I really think the main problem was that in my late 70.s I was so much more unable to cope.

Downsizing is something that takes a lot of thought, should never be undertaking too soon after bereavement and - where possible should be done well be the age of 75 years (preferably whilst still in sixties).

I can say that my moving to this flat was one of the very best decisions I have ever made. My health has so much improved since I have been here - and even during lockdown did not feel totally isolated as I would see people in passing when I went in/out.

Lots to think about when moving particularly for older age.
Location of the property must be high up in list, with near access to public transport, shops, pharmacy, hospital, doctors, dentist, optician, social activities, etc. etc.

My car was always such an important part of my life - and I insisted of only looking at flats that had garages. Would not have believed that less than two years later I would be happy to give up my car - taking away another source of stress and cost. With buses stopping literally outside these flats I was not using it and it was just staying in the garage. Still happy I have that garage, as it means I have places to keep things.

I echo about stair lifts breaking down . My sister in law's mom was stuck on hers for 3 hours before help came. Her dad could help her mom up stairs and her mom couldn't walk up them. As she was going to the toilet she had an accident.

I couldn't be without my garden. And knew I would hate living in an apartment. So my bungalow is perfect for me.

Greta8 made a very good point: the legal work.

Lillypops
I’m sure that when you bought your house 53 yrs ago the conveyancing was all very nice and simple. Lovely caring solicitors who only wanted to do the best for you and look after your interests.
Those days are gone. ( generally speaking) ?

I can’t begin to tell you what a minefield it is out there now
with buying and selling property.
I’m no shrinking violet and neither is my OH but it brought me to tears many times.
The last straw was a court summons for non payment of council tax because my buyers solicitor hadn’t registered the property with the land registry. ?

Good luck with whatever you decide. It is so very difficult. Like others have said perhaps looking for a smaller place in the same area would be something to consider. You wouldn't be leaving all you are familiar with. Sadly, you do have to consider how either one of you would cope, left on your own. It's not pleasant, but it is a sad fact of life. As another poster said if you are really in doubt, perhaps just leave it for a year, but look at what is available in your area in the meantime.

Lilypops, if it'll lift your spirits as it has mine, there's a picture of Princess Anne and her husband sitting in a living room of their " vast " property. The room could be mine here ( cluttered ) and stuffed with all kinds, but looks cosy and inviting.

Of all the rooms there must be, the obvious chosen one is where they feel the most comfortable.

In other words, there really isn't any need to have anything more than you're comfortable with. I think it's a brilliant photo which really puts me at my ease.

Lilypops

Hi Green lady. Thankyou for your input, I appreciate what you are getting at, but unless you can imagine the strong feelings this house holds, it’s very hard to get a grip. , we moved in as newly weds in 1968 , so many memories are here and I really really wish I could just walk away with no sentimental feelings , but I know we must , I can’t not feel sad about it and DH feels the same. What are we like !!!

The house doesn't hold them, your brain does and it always will.

Feeling sad is all part of it but feeling tearful any time you think of it is perhaps a bit OTT? I found a saying a few years ago which I find a lot of truth in.
"Use things; love people" A house is a thing.

Is your grief perhaps for the life that is gone and for the life that you see coming?

If you need to pay for help in the future you could think about equity release which can be managed quite quickly. Don't move if it is making you so sad.

My parents downsized in their late 70's and it was a big strain for them. All the planning, sorting out what to keep/take, organising the removals and then when they arrived surrounded by boxes they didn't know where to start. They never really had time to get the new home as they wanted it because they had left it too late. I took on board what happened to them and we moved in our early 70's. We have been in our bungalow for 3 years and we are very happy. We both agreed that it was best to make the move while we are fit.