Downsizing. Have to but don’t want to

There is such a lot of stress involved isn't there.
I was with MiL today and we talked about her various house moves and I asked her if she had regrets.
They ran a B&B on the Suffolk coast for about 10 years and loved it but they were much younger and fitter then and made friends easily.
It is hard to make new friends as you age and as she pointed out she has outlived all hers!
There is a woman who goes to her lunch club who moved from Forfar. She just endlessly talks about the wonders of Forfar!
My in-laws missed Scotland and bought a house in the Borders when they retired hoping their English friends would visit but they didn't and even we were a couple of hours away.
The garden was massive as well and so they reluctantly sold that and bought something nearer to us and to their roots.
I wouldn't move to be near my DC as they would then feel trapped.

Conveyancing is so complicated and expensive now. Their first house cost £1600 freehold
I think I like the idea of decluttering and getting the place ready to sell if that is what I decide to do.
I am already about to rent out the granny annex and have volunteers to stay and help with heavy stuff.
I pay a gardener once a week who keeps things looking tidy. I have a studio too which I share with other artists. The house is special and would be hard to part with.

Sawsage, do be careful that in giving money away you don’t fall foul of the rules about ‘deliberate deprivation of assets’ should you need care. Your remark ‘better than giving it to care/nursing homes’ rings alarm bells.

We rented for a bit between buying houses and it made me feel quite insecure. I suppose it depends where you rent. I agree about giving children money which is a great idea often at a time when they need it most, but there are tax rules re this.

I have downsized to a small 3-bed new-build semi.

The important thing for me is that I am in the same area near my friends and family - so, as others have suggested, maybe you could find something smaller near where you are, so you are changing only one aspect of your lives: just making your home more manageable.

I had never expected to be in a new-build, as I thought they were small and boxy with no storage space etc. However I have been pleasantly surprised. It is in a small close and the house itself is relatively spacious for what it is, and has the massive advantage of having every modern convenience: excellent sound and heat insulation, state-of-the-art appliances all under guarantee etc. I have put my own stamp on it, making it warm and homely, even though it does not have beams!

It was not built by one of the big developers, but by a local partnership who live in the next village and have built several small developments locally. They therefore have a reputation to maintain and are not a faceless organisation.

But please do not underestimate the stress of dealing with estate agents and solicitors!

We had to downsize for financial reasons from a lovely property in rural Hampshire with fields all round to a small estate bungalow in Norfolk. Even the cat didn’t like it.i
I still don’t like it.

Oh dear, Bijou.

That's another worry, leaving somewhere you love.

I understand your dilemma, Lilypops, but living in a large expensive to heat and maintain house, especially if one of you is left alone, is going to cause you more problems as each year passes. As others have suggested, begin by having a good de-clutter, then perhaps you will feel more ready to take the plunge and downsize. Imagine the comfort, warmth and convenience of a more modern and smaller house. You could stay in the same area.
I also feel that I should move. Not necessarily to a smaller house, but somewhere nearer local amenities. I'm still driving, at 82, but know that the clock is ticking on that. If I can't drive, and become less able to walk life will be difficult, being a mile from the nearest shops and bus.
I have lived in this house for 55 years and have wonderful neighbours. I was widowed 6 years ago. It's quite manageable, at the moment, and the garden's not too big. It has no through traffic, and overlooks common land, at the front, and I would really miss the lack of traffic, and the open aspect of grass, trees and dog-walkers.
There are some bungalows in the neighbourhood, but they all cost more than the sale of my house would fetch. Buying another 2-storey might create mobility problems in the future. The other option is to get a flat, but a friend did that, then was tormented with noisy neighbours. The other alternative is to stay put and hope that my two very good DC, who both live locally, can rally round when I need more help.
It's a predicament.

Have you thought about asking family to live with you, maybe whoever will inherit your home eventually? My mum moved in with us for a few years and had her own bedroom, sitting room and bathroom, it worked really well.
My Aunty and Uncle lived in a big old house in the middle of nowhere, talked them into selling up and buying a modern bungalow near to me, neither of them like it but it’s turned out to be so much better for them especially as my uncle has been unwell. xx

My own new build is on a small development, local builder and on a close. 11 properties of different types 3-4 bed, we have 3 children here, gorgeous and polite and quiet with very reponsible parents. I love that I am on a mixed development, several people came around with their phone numbers at the start of lockdown, said to call if I needed help

Be very very careful about giving money away. There is the 7 year tapered inheritance tax rule to start with and also the deprivation of assets, when cash that has been given away can be reclaimed if you need care. The authorities can go back into your accounts for endless years, you cannot hide from them

My inlaws invested in a stair lift a few years ago for him but now he has died, she uses it as well as the mobility recliner chair and other aids. The house has a downstairs loo and is easily accessible for carers who clean and cook.
Don't be afraid to adapt your home, is what I am suggesting. Close off rooms you don't use and heat the parts you do.
It will be strange at first but we humans are adaptable. Don't feel forced to move if your heart is not in it.
I am taking my own advice though I haven't installed a lift yet!

After I retired I gave 3 days a week to be a volunteer ambulance car driver in north yorkshire. So you have to have a car no more than 6 years old, clean driving license, and be crb checked. You dont take anyone who needs oxygen with them, nor people who need the actual service of the ambulance. So , in my case I lived in Richmond and took many people from the top end of wensleydale and swaledale to mostly James Cook in Middlesborough. There is a patient transport ambulance which takes up to 8 people , but of course , it takes longer to collect 8 people than 3 or 4, and you also have to wait for all the 8 to be ready to return so you are talking about most of the day, and it is not as comfortable as a private car. So I would be taking people for pre or post operation checks, eye appointments where due to the drops you have you cannot drive yourself, and when people were having radiotherapy for 5 days a week for 6 weeks a comfortable journey was appreciated. So naturally you get to know patients and they tell you there stories. Many people are very reluctant to consider moving from a loved house up the dales. But whilst at the moment they can drive and go as and where they please, any loss of sight will mean the loss of independance as there is very little bus service up the dales especially in the evenings etc. You could see and hear how people put off thinking about it. I have always been fiercely independant , and have seen people who perhaps had a stroke or had to go into hospital and could not manage at home on their own. If that happens you are forced to accept other peoples choices , due to needing help right now, so no time to work out what you want or like, and if family are concerned they may almost insist that you move closer to them, out of concern and your need to have help, but then you may lose all your built up friendships and contacts etc. My husband died 5 years ago and I stayed in my house in richmond but rather I should say I stayed inmy beloved garden. We lived there for just over 20 years, and my garden was on 3 levels , I am a galanthophile and had over 50 kinds of snowdrops, hellebores, planted trees , and had a summerhouse and it was on the edge of richmond so had both garden birds but also looked out onto open land and all the owls and hawks and buzzards etc as well. So obviously I did not want to leave, but have a bad back and now cancer and made the decision that I would make the move, partly practical , nearer hospital, trains and buses if I am unable to drive etc and a ground floor flat so that no stairs. As a professional singer I have had a piano since I was 5 years old and my hardest thing was to have to give up the piano as too large to come here. It was one of the hardest moves of my life , with covid thrown in it meant I had no help from my family and it all had to be done strictly following the guidelines. It was quite heartbreaking at the time and took me some months to begin to settle in but I was buoyed up by that feeling that it was my choice, and by doing this I still have as much of an independant life as possible. This main point has proved true. I am sat here late at night because my back is very painful and I cant do much. If I was still in the old house I would have difficulty using the stairs etc. Now I can just wander from one room to another, Yes I miss my garden , but am still sorting lots of things out here yet, but have been able to start swimming again after the baths were closed for a time due to covid. So, on the positive side I am definitely still the master (mistress) of my own destiny, still have many friends and colleagues around, sing with swale singers and I have been involved in Swaledale festival for over 20 years , and will be volunteering this year as well as singing in the festival. I am nearer to the coast, and dont have to worry about being snowed up on to p of a hill. You get that freedom of movement that you didnt realize had been lost over time. e.g. you know how up and down the weather has been, so last saturday it was sunny and bright and quite warm. My back would not let me garden or do anything special so decided to go to Thirsk. Put my picnic stuff in the boot and it was so nice I ended up going to Malton, then on to Bridlington, and back across the wolds. Had a lovely day totally unexpectedly, felt that I was doing something I wanted to after all this being shut in over covid. didnt mix with people though but really enjoyed my day with radio 3, the yorkshire post and my picnic. No worries about getting back for anyone else, could change my mind at the last minute, no worrying about the house etc, or jobs that need doing. I am , like many people, absolutely worried sick about the cost of electricity as this is a total electric flat here and I havent even been here a year to know a base cost. But I do know that it is defintely less than I would be paying at the house. So I know I have gone on and on for a bit but I just wanted you to see how something has worked out. Life always has to be a compromise , whether it is money or where you live or whatever. It is no good thinking you will just go to live near your children as they may move with their job and then you would be in a worse position, having left the familiar to be near family and then finding yourselves possibly left in an area that you dont car for. I am very anti "Ghettoising" you know all old people live in this area , all young people in that area. Here inn this market town there is a normal mix of all sorts of people , housing, and lots of opporunites. Once we feel safe to mix again, there are lots of things you can choose to join, I have driven the little white bus up swaledale, been a reader for Talking Newspaper for the Blind, been asked to help with the brownies (which I regretfully declined ) and of course have a fortnights festival coming up where I do a lot of collecting artists from the station and taking them up the dales, translating for people, spreading the word and giving out programmes etc etc. so long as it is clean I dont care about the decoration in the flat right now. Eventually I shall do something but now on good days I can do more interesting things without worrying about the tiles or the plumber etc etc and on tough days I can either stay in bed or sit up looking out at the birds and squirrel, that chases along the fence, reading my books with radio 3 on , and only a short step through to the kitchen . There have been days recently when I have really been grateful for that and thought to myself how much harder it would have been in my old house. Well this missive if you read it , will last you all morning, but I hope that it points you in the right way. My last thing I would advise, and have suggested to people trying to decide to take a job or move or whatever is this.
Think of the old concequences game and take two pieces of paper. On one piece write what you love about your home, fold it over and then each time you remember another thing add it on so it might be , the lovely smell of woodsmoke, or your lovely hamamelis scent, On the other piece write what you dont like, so the effort to bring shopping in up 6 steps to the door, or the noisy or inconsiderate neighbours you wont miss for a minute. Again fold it over and keep adding to it. Get your husband to do the same. dont show or tell each other what you are putting. Then when the page is full put it away in a drawer for about a week. So find a time when you are not too tired, but perhaps it is pouring with rain. so now again individually you look at the papers and the first thing you are doing is putting things together in groups, i.e. noisy neighbours, late night door slamming, loud music late at night, ior positive can walk to the drs in 5 minutes, local dentist has looked after your teeth for 20 years, the garden club is great etc. So when you have seen your groups then look at each others ideas. You can actually be amazed by something that didnt occur to you to mention comes up in the other persons list i'e' that flipping dog 3 doors down gets loose and comes in your garden wrecking your border,etc
It is not a competition, but you sort of then get into the trade off , so will put up with smaller garden if I can be close to the golf club or whatever. That is a good starting point, and has committed you to nothing yet, so the anxety of the thought of moving does not need to cloud your judgement and you can end up with a much clearer idea of what is important and not important. Dont forget the most important of all, you have each other and can still make the choices about what is important in your lives and you do not have to be shoved into making a hurried decision due to ill health. Dont know if you ever saw a programme called waiting for God, where diana - played by the wonderful stephanie cole is physically disabled and has to use a wheelchair or hobble about. But she has been a war correspondent and lived her life to the full and is not prepared to be talked down to etc.Well that is me! I intend to be polite where possible but no one is calling me dear or asking how are we today!! Read the poem , when I am old and wear purple by Jenny Joseph and that is my attitude to life and go for it. Every good wish and it does not matter what you decide to do in the end, go, stay, split it to flats. What counts is that it is YOUR decision as you have made decisions about your lives all the way. I hope that you will be happy together wherever you end up and would like it if you let me know what happens next!

madeleine45 what a lovely and very moving and thought provoking post, definitely worth reading over and over again

You have inspired me, to get out and about more, to drive to the beaches, to lovely devon, to explore the greater area in which I live. To pack a picnic into my boot and just go wherever the fancy takes me. What an adventure lies ahead. You have inspired me, you really have

I agree Madeline, that deserves "post of the year" in my opinion. Inspirational.

What a fabulous letter Madeline, sensible, kind and provocative you!

Some thoughts come to mind:

1. Moving together now will help to build up new memories should either of you find yourself living alone at some point in the future.

2. Losing a partner and having to move not too long after could be very overwhelming later.

3. Living in a big house, even if all your memories are there, could make one person alone feel more lonely.

4. Living alone in a big house when you are too old, unwell, or disabled to look after yourself, let alone look after the house, doesn't sound appealing.

Looking at the future and the practicalities of that future, and it's going to come at some point, may help you make a decision about what to do. It might help to remember that memories are not fixed in a physical building or place, they are in your mind, very close to you, and they remain with your forever, no matter where you are.

Friends of mine downsized about five/six years and have not regretted it. They said it has made them financially secure as they lived in what had become a very expensive area and moved to one where property is cheaper. All I would advise is not to move to somewhere isolated as this could be difficult in the future.

That was wonderful post maddyone. So helpful and inspiring. Very thought provoking. Thank you.?

Lilypops: do it while you're both fit enough, is my advice. Also, get all the help you can, from putting your house up for sale to finding the right place to suit you both. When the time comes for removal, get the movers to do all the packing! Even though this adds to the expense, it's worth every penny. I speak from bitter experience! Don't delay, it gets harder the longer you put it off. Good luck ?

madeleine45

After I retired I gave 3 days a week to be a volunteer ambulance car driver in north yorkshire. So you have to have a car no more than 6 years old, clean driving license, and be crb checked. You dont take anyone who needs oxygen with them, nor people who need the actual service of the ambulance. So , in my case I lived in Richmond and took many people from the top end of wensleydale and swaledale to mostly James Cook in Middlesborough. There is a patient transport ambulance which takes up to 8 people , but of course , it takes longer to collect 8 people than 3 or 4, and you also have to wait for all the 8 to be ready to return so you are talking about most of the day, and it is not as comfortable as a private car. So I would be taking people for pre or post operation checks, eye appointments where due to the drops you have you cannot drive yourself, and when people were having radiotherapy for 5 days a week for 6 weeks a comfortable journey was appreciated. So naturally you get to know patients and they tell you there stories. Many people are very reluctant to consider moving from a loved house up the dales. But whilst at the moment they can drive and go as and where they please, any loss of sight will mean the loss of independance as there is very little bus service up the dales especially in the evenings etc. You could see and hear how people put off thinking about it. I have always been fiercely independant , and have seen people who perhaps had a stroke or had to go into hospital and could not manage at home on their own. If that happens you are forced to accept other peoples choices , due to needing help right now, so no time to work out what you want or like, and if family are concerned they may almost insist that you move closer to them, out of concern and your need to have help, but then you may lose all your built up friendships and contacts etc. My husband died 5 years ago and I stayed in my house in richmond but rather I should say I stayed inmy beloved garden. We lived there for just over 20 years, and my garden was on 3 levels , I am a galanthophile and had over 50 kinds of snowdrops, hellebores, planted trees , and had a summerhouse and it was on the edge of richmond so had both garden birds but also looked out onto open land and all the owls and hawks and buzzards etc as well. So obviously I did not want to leave, but have a bad back and now cancer and made the decision that I would make the move, partly practical , nearer hospital, trains and buses if I am unable to drive etc and a ground floor flat so that no stairs. As a professional singer I have had a piano since I was 5 years old and my hardest thing was to have to give up the piano as too large to come here. It was one of the hardest moves of my life , with covid thrown in it meant I had no help from my family and it all had to be done strictly following the guidelines. It was quite heartbreaking at the time and took me some months to begin to settle in but I was buoyed up by that feeling that it was my choice, and by doing this I still have as much of an independant life as possible. This main point has proved true. I am sat here late at night because my back is very painful and I cant do much. If I was still in the old house I would have difficulty using the stairs etc. Now I can just wander from one room to another, Yes I miss my garden , but am still sorting lots of things out here yet, but have been able to start swimming again after the baths were closed for a time due to covid. So, on the positive side I am definitely still the master (mistress) of my own destiny, still have many friends and colleagues around, sing with swale singers and I have been involved in Swaledale festival for over 20 years , and will be volunteering this year as well as singing in the festival. I am nearer to the coast, and dont have to worry about being snowed up on to p of a hill. You get that freedom of movement that you didnt realize had been lost over time. e.g. you know how up and down the weather has been, so last saturday it was sunny and bright and quite warm. My back would not let me garden or do anything special so decided to go to Thirsk. Put my picnic stuff in the boot and it was so nice I ended up going to Malton, then on to Bridlington, and back across the wolds. Had a lovely day totally unexpectedly, felt that I was doing something I wanted to after all this being shut in over covid. didnt mix with people though but really enjoyed my day with radio 3, the yorkshire post and my picnic. No worries about getting back for anyone else, could change my mind at the last minute, no worrying about the house etc, or jobs that need doing. I am , like many people, absolutely worried sick about the cost of electricity as this is a total electric flat here and I havent even been here a year to know a base cost. But I do know that it is defintely less than I would be paying at the house. So I know I have gone on and on for a bit but I just wanted you to see how something has worked out. Life always has to be a compromise , whether it is money or where you live or whatever. It is no good thinking you will just go to live near your children as they may move with their job and then you would be in a worse position, having left the familiar to be near family and then finding yourselves possibly left in an area that you dont car for. I am very anti "Ghettoising" you know all old people live in this area , all young people in that area. Here inn this market town there is a normal mix of all sorts of people , housing, and lots of opporunites. Once we feel safe to mix again, there are lots of things you can choose to join, I have driven the little white bus up swaledale, been a reader for Talking Newspaper for the Blind, been asked to help with the brownies (which I regretfully declined ) and of course have a fortnights festival coming up where I do a lot of collecting artists from the station and taking them up the dales, translating for people, spreading the word and giving out programmes etc etc. so long as it is clean I dont care about the decoration in the flat right now. Eventually I shall do something but now on good days I can do more interesting things without worrying about the tiles or the plumber etc etc and on tough days I can either stay in bed or sit up looking out at the birds and squirrel, that chases along the fence, reading my books with radio 3 on , and only a short step through to the kitchen . There have been days recently when I have really been grateful for that and thought to myself how much harder it would have been in my old house. Well this missive if you read it , will last you all morning, but I hope that it points you in the right way. My last thing I would advise, and have suggested to people trying to decide to take a job or move or whatever is this.
Think of the old concequences game and take two pieces of paper. On one piece write what you love about your home, fold it over and then each time you remember another thing add it on so it might be , the lovely smell of woodsmoke, or your lovely hamamelis scent, On the other piece write what you dont like, so the effort to bring shopping in up 6 steps to the door, or the noisy or inconsiderate neighbours you wont miss for a minute. Again fold it over and keep adding to it. Get your husband to do the same. dont show or tell each other what you are putting. Then when the page is full put it away in a drawer for about a week. So find a time when you are not too tired, but perhaps it is pouring with rain. so now again individually you look at the papers and the first thing you are doing is putting things together in groups, i.e. noisy neighbours, late night door slamming, loud music late at night, ior positive can walk to the drs in 5 minutes, local dentist has looked after your teeth for 20 years, the garden club is great etc. So when you have seen your groups then look at each others ideas. You can actually be amazed by something that didnt occur to you to mention comes up in the other persons list i'e' that flipping dog 3 doors down gets loose and comes in your garden wrecking your border,etc
It is not a competition, but you sort of then get into the trade off , so will put up with smaller garden if I can be close to the golf club or whatever. That is a good starting point, and has committed you to nothing yet, so the anxety of the thought of moving does not need to cloud your judgement and you can end up with a much clearer idea of what is important and not important. Dont forget the most important of all, you have each other and can still make the choices about what is important in your lives and you do not have to be shoved into making a hurried decision due to ill health. Dont know if you ever saw a programme called waiting for God, where diana - played by the wonderful stephanie cole is physically disabled and has to use a wheelchair or hobble about. But she has been a war correspondent and lived her life to the full and is not prepared to be talked down to etc.Well that is me! I intend to be polite where possible but no one is calling me dear or asking how are we today!! Read the poem , when I am old and wear purple by Jenny Joseph and that is my attitude to life and go for it. Every good wish and it does not matter what you decide to do in the end, go, stay, split it to flats. What counts is that it is YOUR decision as you have made decisions about your lives all the way. I hope that you will be happy together wherever you end up and would like it if you let me know what happens next!

Madeleine Thankyou for such a thoughtful post , I love all the things you suggest. , especially writing down what we like/want from a move to a smaller house,,we want to stay near friends, shops , the train station , doctors , bus routes, and my golf club,
We have all of these where we are now.
This has been our family home for 54years, we moved in after our honeymoon in 1968. It’s going to be very very hard to leave when the time comes. I am trying to be very brave, but yesterday I had a real wobble and was tearful most of the day. Silly I know. !!

Queenofsaanich69. What a thoughtful post. , We do intend to start decluttering , one room at a time, in fact I did my sewing room on Sunday when all the football was on and DH watched it all day , It felt good filling up bin bags with bits and pieces no longer needed ,
My family have all promised to help us make the move and will keep an eye out on the market for us too,
Thankyou for everyone’s very kind, caring comments ,

Lilypops I’m sorry to be blunt but your husband is 88 and you recognise the likelihood that he will die before you. If you don’t move whilst he’s still with you, how will you manage alone in this house with a smaller income? You will be even less likely to want to move from the house you moved into when newly married if you are widowed, but much less able to maintain and heat the house. Your memories are in your head. They are not in your house. Please phone an estate agent to get an idea of what your house is worth so that you can look to the future and what you can buy. Days spent being tearful about this are precious days of your life and your husband’s life wasted.

Germanshepherdsmum

Lilypops I’m sorry to be blunt but your husband is 88 and you recognise the likelihood that he will die before you. If you don’t move whilst he’s still with you, how will you manage alone in this house with a smaller income? You will be even less likely to want to move from the house you moved into when newly married if you are widowed, but much less able to maintain and heat the house. Your memories are in your head. They are not in your house. Please phone an estate agent to get an idea of what your house is worth so that you can look to the future and what you can buy. Days spent being tearful about this are precious days of your life and your husband’s life wasted.

I know you are right , although you were blunt and t9 the point. It’s such common sense , I know 8 wouldn’t be able to afford this house on my own or maintain its upkeep. It’s three storey and a monster to keep warm and clean. , and i always said I didn’t want to move to another house without DH with me. Now is the time. Thankyou for your advice GSM

Let the gransnetters know what you are looking for and I am sure they/we will help you search!

Grammaretto

Let the gransnetters know what you are looking for and I am sure they/we will help you search!

I can't even find anywhere for us!

lilypops, you mentioned not being able to afford to live in the house you are in now, if you are left widowed. Facts do need to be faced. I was suddenly widowed in 2015, was fortunately financially aware and savvy, I organised the bank accounts, savings etc and then I did probate etc

I was not fully aware of the actuality of lost income, which happened the moment that my husband died. Any that was paid that month had to be refunded. His state pension disappeared, his private pension was halved. Do some sums and get your skates on, so that your husband can play a full part in seeing you comfortably settled in a manageable affordable home

Costs: £5500 for the funeral and gathering afterwards
£20000 for moving, solicitor, estate agent, stamp duty, removals
£20000 minimum as a safety net for making a new house into a home

None of us who have moved and downized have done it lightly or for fun and not everyone has moved into the home of their dreams but everyone has done it for the most sensible and practical reasons. Personally I would have liked an old rural cottage with a large garden but with a sensible head, I bought a pretty cottage -style new build detached house with a small garden, within a nice market town. I have made this house my own