Just seen a thread on MN about how some poor soul (with a full time job and family) did a kind deed to help a neighbour and now found the latter taking the pi**. She was really being guilt tripped into doing more and more. Not only doing the (physical) shopping but each item had to be "right" and earned bitter complaints if it were not the correct brand. And so on.
Many years ago (about 15 to be exact) I found myself in the same position when I offered to fill out a DLA form for an elderly neighbour - although not an imediate NDN. I then found myself becoming lumbered with other jobs such as shopping (I dont drive and did not work anywhere near shops) making phone calls to various bodies, arranging tradespeople and so on. I also worked full time in a very demanding professional job. Worst of all my neighbour would "pop around" for a coffee two days a week and stay for hours when I was supposed to be WAH. So my afternoon would be gone and the work was still there waiting.
The worst of it was that he adult son came to live with her and although he had a car he was somehow "not good at" all the things I was expected to do. Si I was still lumbered.
Eventually I began what is generally called "ghosting" by not answering the phone when I saw her number, or not answering the door when I was supposed to be WAH. I rationed her to one chat a week and then gradually tailed even this off. "Oh the university wont allow us to work at home any more ..." At least I knew she had an adult relative and it was time he stepped up and did his bit.
Has anyone else got themselves stuck in this situation with a needy relative, friend or neighbour and how did you deal with it? Did you feel guilty setting boundaries or stepping back?
It seems that no good deed goes unpunished.
Has she got trees?
We once lived somewhere where a neighbour's tree roots went for their drains and soakaway and blocked them.
There are large trees in the business park which runs behind the properties. This was another suggestion my handyman made. The property was built in the 1980s when they were still using the old pottery pipes rather than the plastic ones of today. These pipes can crack and as you say trees are attracted by the moisture. A camera survey would have revealed any problem of that kind.
In my work (with homeless people) I try to set clear boundaries with both the clients and with other agencies. I find the expectations of the former are sometimes more easily managed than the latter!
People don’t generally try to take advantage of me. My problem is that I’m surrounded by genuinely needy people who often have literally nobody else to turn to. They’re usually very appreciative of any little thing I do and wouldn’t dream of asking for more time than I can spare. I just wish I could clone myself, but I’m finally getting more volunteers to work alongside me.
“No good deed goes unpunished “ is something a friend said to me, after she fell and broke her shoulder whilst drying the neighbour’s towels! I had a car crash while driving a friend to pick up her cat from the vet’s !! Food for thought….
If everyone did just a little to help people who need it, it wouldn't end up overwhelming one person.
We can all spare the odd 10 minutes, unless we're having a crisis ourselves.
biglouis
*more than likely you will be unable to remember at any given moment that there’s actually anything wrong with you*
What a silly think to say!
There are numerous online tests to enable individuals to determine whether any symptoms they have is normal "age related" forgetting or dementia. I occasionally cannot recall the exact word I want but I can think of alternatives or use the "synonym" function in google to find it.
One of the problems of failing memory is that patients doesn't remember that they have it, so they believe that their memory is perfect. If you don't remember that you had various symptoms, how do you look them up to see whether they are "normal"? And how do you remember the synonyms for what it was you have forgotten - they may have evaporated along with the name of the forgotten thing that they are synonyms for?
Miss A
One thing is sparing 10 minutes, I agree.
Something else is keeping an individual I denial that he/she can manage living at home by themselves.
If you need 10 min help once in a while, no biggie
If you need 10 minutes from different people every day, you need to realize you need to hire help instead of taking everybody's time from granted
Callistemon21
Ailidh
Biglouis, I love the drains and radiators analogy.
It was me who said that!
I learnt it on GN so can't claim it as an original.
Oh, sorry for the misattribution!
I've been in a friendship with a drain for 37 years, and it took me 35 to realize it.
As the Cosmic Jester would have it, we now live in the same flats complex. With a common room.
She moved in about 6 weeks ahead of me.
For my first 3 weeks she ignored me.
In week 4 she began beckoning imperiously to me across the room. I declined.
She is now ignoring me again, from week 5.
It's now week 7 and blissful.
I haven't told her to shove it, I'm just declining to dance. I wish I'd done it sooner but I'm rather enjoying now.
I'm just declining to dance
I like it!!
Hithere
Miss A
One thing is sparing 10 minutes, I agree.
Something else is keeping an individual I denial that he/she can manage living at home by themselves.
If you need 10 min help once in a while, no biggie
If you need 10 minutes from different people every day, you need to realize you need to hire help instead of taking everybody's time from granted
Agreed.
I well remember dh’s aunt, when younger and still perfectly capable, saying (after helping a neighbour with something)
‘I’ll do it once, but I’m not getting involved.’
A whole different matter when she was the one needing help - and refusing to pay for it.
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