Squabbles about inheritance

I think anyone in a 'normal' loving family would be upset if they were not treated fairly wrt inheritance (if there is anything) but families are complicated, unfortunately

Probate can take a year or more to go through and I always feel its best not to discuss these matters with other family members if you know they are not going to benefit.

If children are not being treated equally, an explanatory letter should be placed with the will (written whilst the testator is compos mentis, obviously). That can halt squabbles and threats of court action in their tracks.

When I worked for a local authority and dealt with the Court of Protection to sell houses to pay care home fees when relatives weren't interested in being involved, I never ceased to be amazed at how many came out of the woodwork when their 'loved' one died, claiming that she had owned all manner of things which certainly weren't in the house when cleared (we had to supervise house clearance too). A good introduction to the realities of family relationships.

Where there’s a will there’s a relative!

I was the only one that did anything for my narcissistic mother. I had had to go to the COP to get Deputyship, I dealt with all her affairs, the nursing home who wanted “top up” fees,her finances that were all over the place, I had two years of enormous stress that caused me to have panic attacks.

I knew that I was not a beneficiary in the will but did it all whilst trying to make sure that I could hang onto as much money as possible from her estate.
I cleared her house on my own, worked hard to get a private sale to save agents fees.
My three children were among the beneficiaries and they all thanked me for all I had done, the other beneficiaries didn’t even acknowledge their huge bank transfers.

My brother was the Golden Child, who did nothing for years, not even a Christmas card for her, I was the scapegoat.

At least I know that I always behaved honourably and honestly.

My brother insisted we split my mum's money, even though I'd had very little to do with my family. I didn't deserve it at all.

My uncle/aunt and cousins tied up my grandparents money very neatly so that there was no inheritance at all for my dad/bro & me. I still can't quite believe they did it, but...

As my parents never owned any property the inheritance they left was not very much. However my older brother had been a cause of stress for them for most of his adult life and had often 'borrowed' money from them, which he never paid back.
We had no idea where he was for several years from soon after our Mums death until well after Dads. My dad wrote his will leaving anything he did have to me.
My brother suddenly re-appeared some years later and became my NBF. I never told him of the money he had missed out from my Dad, so he had no idea. Sure he would have made a fuss if he had realised.

I worked in a legal firm many years ago. Wills, Estates etc were one area I was involved in. I saw a side of human nature heretofore unknown to me. Upon a relatives/friends death my phone would ring hot to ask when a bequest/dispersal was to be made…the Will hadn’t even gone thru Probate! All of a sudden these beneficiaries simply couldn’t survive without their inheritance, an inheritance many were unaware of just a week prior, if the death was accidental or unexpected.

My grandmother was sharp as a button until the end and died aged 94 suddenly oif a heart attack. She and my mother had been estranged for many years (family rift) but she took a real fancy to me. She continued to live independently to the end with support from my two aunts who lived only a few minutes walk away. She also had a cleaner/general help to do her shopping etc so no one had to do much for her in the way of personal care. I saw her every week, mainly just for a chat. My grandma had a rule that no visit ever lasted more than 2 hours. She enjoyed company but also valued her privacy.

Her will left the house to be sold and the proceeds evenly divided between my two aunts. My mother and sister were not included in the will because they had "done" things she did not approve of. I was left the contents of her house and a sum of money that was about 4 times what the other grandchildren (my cousins) got.

When everything was settled and the contants of the house sold my two aunts were shocked at how much her furniture brought. They had thought it a lot of Victorian tat. They had no knowledge of the antiques market which is why my gran had left it (and her jewellery) to me.

My aunts never knew the true extent of the proceeds from the sale but there were some oblique hints that I should give a share to my mother and sister and cousins.

I tool the view that the conditions outlined in the will were my grandmother's wishes and it was no one's business how much I got from the house clearance.

Yes - its amazing how people come crawling out of the woodwork claiming that my gran had promised them "such and such a thing" but fortunately they did not have keys to her house.

When my gran went into hospital her sister took the keys to her house and we never knew what she took. Any time my cousin comes to my house he points out various items and says those were supposed to be mine! I just ignore him.

My parents were very astute and fair so my siblings and I did not have to face the wrath and snide remarks of other relatives.

I do recall though, attending the funeral some years ago of a neighbour of mine. He and his wife had been really kind to me. I sat with her at the wake and a strange man came over, he was known to the deceased. He introduced himself and stated that the man who had died had promised him this and that and he was therefore claiming what he thought he was owed. It was items like a watch, a camera etc and some cash. He literally wanted to follow us home and take his dues.
The widow was getting very distressed at his point. She had seen this man before but knew nothing about any of what he was spouting on about.
I calmly explained to the man that he should go away and present his claim in writing to the deceased solicitors describing every item in detail and gave him their phone number.
Surprise, surprise...................we never heard from him again, nor did the solicitors. There was nothing in the will to substantiate it either.
I am so pleased that the widow wasn't alone that day, all her friends were quite elderly and there was very little family to support her, the outcome could have been so different.
There wasn't a great deal of money, just enough to keep the widow comfortable. She offered me several items to remember him by and I eventually accepted a very classy ballpoint pen which I still have to this day.

I have been livid in advance over a will - I knew the details because dh had a copy and was going to be an executor for this friend.

Without going into detail the terms of the will were grossly unfair, not to mention controlling, to his 2nd wife of 20 odd years - he had no children.

He did change the will to some extent not long before he died - I’m sure because people who’d thought him no end of a good bloke would have been appalled at what he’d done - and although he could be very mean, controlling and selfish towards his wife, general popularity was hugely important to him. But many people would still have been startled, to say the least.

Things that only came to light after he died made me finally realise that he was a more or less textbook narcissist.

My will (I hope) ensures that there can be no bad feeling amongst my five children and eight g.children. Main part of my estate just split ways, Sum to be put aside to give each g.child a small sum when reaching their 25th birthdays (or immediately if they are already older than that when i die.

My two eldest daughters are much closer to me and take a far bigger part in my life than my other three children, but no way would I put anything in my will about that. The very last thing I want after my death is for them to fall out.

My Aunt died just before christmas last year.
I did all her shopping/cleaning etc,and why shouldn`t i,we were very close.
All of a sudden i found i had relatives i never new,never met,and they are getting everything she had.
Am i annoyed with my Aunt ?,no,just peed off that i was stood in the cold for hours twice a week every week doing her shopping in lockdown and they were no where to be seen,they never once visited her and they live less than 5 minutes from her.
Would i do it again,of course.

I have written my will with some very specific instructions. I have given my son £20,000 over the last few years to bail him out of financial problems. I have asked that my other two children each get £20,000 from my estate before the rest is divided equally between my three children. I have told all my children about this so there will be no surprises.

It looks like I will be giving my son in the US some more money as he lost his job due to Covid and his new job does not pay very well. His ex wife is refusing to allow him to see his children unless he pays the full child maintenance which was based on a much higher salary. My son needs to engage a solicitor to get access to his children - it’s very complicated as his wife had/ has a drug addiction so my son was given shared access.

This time though I plan to give my other children the same amount at the same time as luckily I’ll be getting an unexpected inheritance after my mother died recently. I never expected any money so intend to share it with my children now when they are at an early stage in their lives with big mortgages etc.

I would hate it if there were any arguments among my children after I die. There might be money to inherit or there might not if I need to pay for my care, who knows!

I inherited a property with my two siblings when my mother passed away. I assumed we would sell the house since no one needs to live in it but so far they have refused to sell saying they want to keep it as an investment. They also say they cannot afford to buy me out of my share. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to fall out with them but a third of a house is no use to me, I would prefer the cash equivalent. Apparently we can’t sell unless all three agree to it. Any advice? Anyone been in this situation and managed to get their share without a legal dispute?

Many years ago I worked for a firm of solicitors in the criminal department and as you can imagine, lots of our 'clients' were interesting to say the least.

However, when I covered sick leave for a colleague - in probate, I was so pleased to return to the 'criminals'.

The spite, anger, jealousy and utter bitterness was awful.

Gosh, on my side of our family, we have never had any problems over wills, not even when my sister died suddenly and intestate.

DH had a bit of a problem with a cousin when he was appointed her father's executor, she kept demanding things of her father's that her father had clearly disposed of and then accused DH of theft when he said he couldn't find any of them, but nobody took any notice of her, or believed her. Apart from that he never had any problems with wills in his family either.

I cannot remember any friends having particular problems either.

Inheritance not worth a squabble, to me.

Nicea, I have come across that, with friends, and it is difficult. It's not clear how well you get on normally.

Certainly begin by explaining how you feel and ask if they have any ideas (I expect you've done this already). I have 3 suggestions to explore, all of which I have known to be done, and which may or may not suit:

1. The house is rented out - agree that you either use an agency, or one of you takes responsibility and is paid for that. You all share the cost of getting it up to standard for renting. It won't bring you a lump of cash, but may be an option you can live with.

2. Your siblings buy you out in one of 2 ways:
By handing over a sum of money, and adjusting your share of the house accordingly.
Say a house worth £3,000, so £100k each. A gives you £50k & B gives you £10k.
A now owns 50% of the house
B owns approx. 36%
You still have £40k invested in the house, approx. 14%
I think that adds up, but you get the picture - and finally when sold, it gets distributed accordingly.
Of course, there are legal costs to this, which may make them think!

OR the siblings get a mortgage to buy you out completely - which really make them examine their 'investment'.

Hope you sort something out. Unless the property is in an unusual area, it is unlikely to gain significantly - they can always use their share to buy property if that's what they want to do.

Nannarose, thank you for your suggestions. I have tried to make my wishes clear but my siblings say they are the ‘majority’ so what they want goes. I get on okay with them in general but we have to steer clear of sensitive topics. I am the middle child so perhaps I try to appease everyone and don’t insist on getting my way, then afterwards I feel my wishes have not been taken seriously. I hadn’t thought of the part buy-out. That is something to explore and would mean everyone got something of what they wanted.

No need to add that careful advice needs taking! I have no 'knowledge' just seem to have come across this a few times, and know some who have done this.
Seems like a faff to me, but goodness, I too know about appeasement!
Good luck!

You need both legal and tax advice on a partial buy out Nicea. One owner can force a sale but it would mean legal action and probably the end of your relationship so I doubt you want to do that.

Thanks Germanshepherdsmum. I have begun the process by making an appointment with a lawyer. I want to know what my options are before proceeding further. My relationship with my siblings is more important than a property or money. We all have roofs over our heads so it is a luxury to be left another property. When I revise my Will I think I will leave my own property to just one person because jointly inherited properties are a minefield and frequently lead to disputes. A wise friend has already told his mother not to leave him any part of a split property and not to appoint him as an executor either. He wants to steer clear and preserve his relationships with his siblings!

Very wise!