Gransnet forums

Legal & money

What a fun night....

(31 Posts)
Nanadog Fri 23-Nov-12 15:48:11

MrDog and myself have invited out DS and DD round tonight for a fun evening to discuss the Wills we are having drawn up and the Lasting Powers of Attorney (both Financial and Health & Welfare).
Has anyone else experience of having this discussion with their family? hmm
What is the etiquette? Do we provide drinks and nibbles or sit around a table?
All advice gratefully received.

Ana Fri 23-Nov-12 15:49:11

You could make it fancy dress....

Barrow Fri 23-Nov-12 15:54:07

Depends on how your family deal with your decisions! In my case as I don't have children I had separate conversations with the people I wanted to appoint as Executors of my Will and name in the Powers of Attorney. I told them what my wishes were in connection with my health (and where I hide the key to the safe!)

In your case I think nibbles and a few bottles of wine might help. Will they be happy you are leaving everything to them or unhappy that you have decided to leave it all to the local dogs home!

Again in my case I told them that I intended spending everything and then pop my clogs when nothing is left - leaving them with the bills grin

Stansgran Fri 23-Nov-12 18:18:08

We got them to sign very quickly when they were rather distracted-one had just had a baby and the health visitor witnessed it so it didn't get "heavy" and the other was around when we had other friends in so again it was brief and brutal but effective otherwise I would have got maudlin and weepy.

gracesmum Fri 23-Nov-12 18:21:01

Well done for getting this out of the way before it was necessary (or even on the horizon)!

Ana Fri 23-Nov-12 18:25:40

I honestly can't see a problem, but Nanadog you know your own family best. I would just place great emphasis on the practicalities and how relieved you will be to have everything in place - it's not as though you're planning on popping your clogs any time soon!

Mishap Fri 23-Nov-12 18:31:06

We have done both - just told them what we wanted to do and they said "Oh Mum, do we have to think about this?" I said yes you do, as I don't want you having a mess to sort if we become incapacitated or after we die.
They said OK and we just sent them stuff to sign, which they sent back without comment.

Get 'em drunk, they'll sign anything!

You are doing the right thing there's no doubt about that.

Nanadog Fri 23-Nov-12 18:36:09

I'm just feeling nervous for some silly reason. I've a feeling my DS may get quite upset/emotional, but then I'm going to try and keep it very low key. We went to see the solicitor yesterday and she said that we have to make our wishes very clear to our 'attorneys' (DS and DD) especially as regards the health issues. Not planning on 'popping my clogs' anytime soon ana but MrDog is in the very early stages of vascular dementia (though he's in denial) and who knows what's round the corner?

Will feed back in case there there are others in same position or considering this.

hmm

Ana Fri 23-Nov-12 18:39:49

I didn't mean to trivialise the situation, Nanadog - I too think you should be congratulated for putting things in place well in advance. Good luck!

crimson Fri 23-Nov-12 18:54:25

My mum and dad left hardly any money but, as they died without making a will, the solicitor got a hefty chunk of it. It pains me to this day. Nanadog; be careful that you don't use anyone as an executor that might take a percentage; I believe banks do this. Believe me, you'll feel so much better when it's done and out of the way smile.

Nanadog Fri 23-Nov-12 18:56:48

I didn't think you did Ana and I hope it didn't sound as if I did. I do want to keep it light if I can.

I can tell a wonderful tale of the day I collected my FiLs ashes from the undertaker and ferried them round Bootle all day while I was working. I had to leave my car in some very dodgy places so put the box in a Tesco bag and took it with me into the schools I was visiting and to all my meetings.

grin

Nanadog Fri 23-Nov-12 18:57:34

crimson I'm hoping my DS will act as executor.

nightowl Fri 23-Nov-12 19:15:43

It is a good idea Nanadog and something I have been thinking about for a while. I do have a will but it's about 10 years old and very out of date. OH doesn't have one. I am trying to persuade him that we should both have up to date wills and also take out lasting powers of attorney. I do see what you mean about the adult children not wanting to think about it though. Thank you for bringing this up.

Fondasharing Fri 23-Nov-12 19:35:08

Nanadog well done for getting everything sorted out whilst you can articulate your wishes! i am sure that your children will always appreciate your selfnessless.

And now, a little digression!
Not sure how many Gransnet members have watched the film or read the book called "Tuesdays with Morrie" (film starred Jack Lemmon just before he died). A wonderful story of how a man (an ex teacher) who is dying shares his life's philosophies with a past pupil (a sportswriter) who visits Morrie most Tuesdays before he dies. Morrie also wants to have his funeral "before" he dies as he wants to enjoy the occasion!!!!

Would highly recommend this film/or book to help others confront the final journey they will make. DVD is available on lovefilm to rent...

Description of the Story
Maybe it was a grandparent, or a teacher or a colleague. Someone older, patient and wise, who understood you when you were young and searching, and gave you sound advice to help you make your way through it. For Mitch Albom, that person was Morrie Schwartz, his college professor from nearly twenty years ago.

Maybe, like Mitch, you lost track of this mentor as you made your way, and the insights faded. Wouldn't you like to see that person again, ask the bigger questions that still haunt you? Mitch Albom had that second chance. He rediscovered Morrie in the last months of the older man's life. Knowing he was dying of ALS - or motor neurone disease - MItch visited Morrie in his study every Tuesday, just as they used to back in college. Their rekindled relationship turned into one final 'class': lessons in how to live.

TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE is a magical chronicle of their time together, through which Mitch shares Morrie's lasting gift with the world.

Ana Fri 23-Nov-12 19:42:39

I don't think this thread is the right place for that glowing endorsement, Fondasharing. hmm

Nanadog Fri 23-Nov-12 22:09:50

That was very worthwhile. Surprisingly it was DD who was most emotional. But a lot of worthwhile issue were thrashed out. Both DD and DS have agreed to be executors of the Wills and Attorneys for our Lasting Power of Attorney. They had some insightful contributions to make and these we have 'taken on board '.

So glad that's all sorted. I'll sleep tonight. It's made me see a side of my DD that I didn't realise was there and made me realise what a close relationship she has with her brother.

Ana Fri 23-Nov-12 22:11:12

So glad it went well, Nanad. smile

nightowl Fri 23-Nov-12 22:20:52

What a heartwarming outcome Nanadog! Our adult children can always surprise us. And how lovely to know that your son and daughter are so close - it's what we would all want for our children, to know that they will be there for each other after we are gone.

yogagran Fri 23-Nov-12 22:38:17

That's lovely news to hear Nanadog - thanks for keeping us up to date with your evening. Now I must try to persuade OH that our wills need to be updated. It's been on my "to do" list for far too long

grannyactivist Fri 23-Nov-12 22:42:11

Nanad life would be so much simpler if we all took the trouble to think of those we leave behind and sort this kind of stuff out in plenty of time. I still can't persuade my 83 year old mum to make a will. hmm

Fondasharing - I do see the link with the OP, having read (and loved) the book. Just ordered the DVD; didn't know there was one as it wasn't ever released in this country. smile

Nanadog Fri 23-Nov-12 22:53:03

Thank you for your support. It was quite a big deal sitting down with our little family and talking about dying or becoming physically or mentally incapacitated.
GA very worrying when your mother refuses and there's so little you can do to change her mind without seeming insensitive. Have you made your own will?
yoga good luck with OH
* nightowl* spot on with that observation, very heartwarming.
Ana thanks
fonda smile
Everyone moon

grannyactivist Fri 23-Nov-12 23:23:51

Yes, I have made a will and so have two of my children; neither of whom is even forty yet. smile

kittylester Sat 24-Nov-12 07:22:09

We have wills made thirty years ago blush and keep talking about up dating them. Part of what makes is put it off us knowing which children to have as executors. confused

Nanadog Sat 24-Nov-12 08:14:28

How many have you to choose from kitty? It may be that some don't want to do it. My DD was initially reluctant but when I explained that they could act jointly or severally then she accepted.

Barrow Sat 24-Nov-12 08:44:36

As mentioned previousy I have no children so perhaps my experience isn't quite the same but when it came to choosing executors and who should have the power of attorney I decided on my brother in law (who knows a lot about property and investing) and my sister in law (who is also very good with money but also has some experience with caring for her Mother).

I also trust them both completely and know if I should lose my mind (some say I already have) then I know they will act in my best interests