Meeting partner later in life

storynanny

You are asking a difficult question and I can only say decide what you basically want and see a solicitor about getting some form of legally binding agreement drawn up.

Is it definitely totally his house?.
My mother and father owned their house on a tenants in common basis and I was in occupation of the house.
Mum left me her half of the house.
When my mother died I moved in to that house and a lady befriended Dad.
After about 18 months she demanded I left knowing I had spent a lot of money on the house.
Before I could speak Dad said that was not going to happen.
This lady had a house which she was living in it.
Dad died 3 years later and I got pestered by about 20 people saying I should hand the house to her for nearly a year in spite of Dad's half being willed to me and me being the legal owner of Mum's half

The other thing to consider is if you pre decease your partner what will you want to happen to your house.
You could will it to him but that would be unsatisfactory from your children's point of view.
You could give him a life time interest in the property but that could cause difficulties if he then meets somebody else and she outlives him.

I am widowed with 2 daughters and 4 granddaughters who live local and I am on very good terms with them.
I am not going to get another partner after my father's experience.

Frank

OH and I each have separate incomes and own bank accounts, cards etc, but we basically share all spending and evedy month or so we sit down together and do a joint accounting to make sure we can afford all our spending between us. This does require trust and honesty, I do not feel the need to have my own secret stash of 'running away money' just in case, as was the case in a previous less trusting relationship.

We each have grown up children from before our marriage. When we marrried we sold both houses and bought jointly. At the time we made a list of all capital, investments etc and agreed the percentage we each brought into the equation. Our wills set up a trust on the death of the first which puts house, money etc into the trust for the benefit of the survivor. Trustees are the survivor and the eldest child of each of us. On death of the second of us, the trust is wound up and his percentage goes to his two children, my percentage goes to my two. Percentages can be amended if one of us inherits a sum of capital for instance.

Sounds complicated, but was vedynimportant to us both that it should be totally clear to the children that our marriage would not make them lose out. OHs mother died when he was a child, father remarried and eventually left all to his second wife, who in turn left all to her own children. OH still very bitter about losing everything that had been his mothers, and that was 30 years ago.

Think the most important things are trust and honesty.

I will probably be accused of going off track but I do not for the life of me see that any children are ENTITLED at all. Children generally. People work hard for their money and retirement and I really do believe in SKI-ing! mean though it sounds hopefully my 'children' will be middle aged and beyond by the time I pop my clogs. Not struggling students or young parents. Just my humble opinion. I will leave a will but it will be a simple will. I may be seen as simple myself but all this about entitlement is beyond me. No one is entitled and it should not be expected that money or property is left to ones offspring although it is. I intend to enjoy my retirement and spend any spare money on holidays and my children while I am alive. Not that I have loads to spare.Don't mind being corrected if I am seen as wrong - I am expecting it. It may even change my opinion. Eeeeek I feel I have asked for it

Flower, I only meant what is left over, if anything, after OH and I have fully indulged our holiday habit for as long as poxssible and paid for a civilised level of care if we become unable to beindependent. its quite difficult to time ones demise to the same moment that the money runs out!

I agree Jamjam, hope you really really indulge yourselves, I too am in a second marriage - 29 years now. We both have grown up children and one of those is 'ours'. We did (and I am not sure if we did the right thing) take out Equity Release a few years ago. We did ask the children who all said that it was our decision and they were quite happy for us to do that. They really expect nothing but there will be something left for them to share. I suppose looking at it now (after 5 minutes of me ranting) that the mirror wills should also say that whoever is left on this mortal coil should ensure that all 6 children should get an equal share, even though my contribution to the family home was more than my DH (I think) It's making sure that there is no bad feelings between siblings when money is dished out.

fyi jamjam we have our own accounts and a joint savings account - holidays, expenses etc. - My DH pays household bills and I have housekeeping and use my money towards housekeeping and sundries plus try to save a bit. We both have work pensions DH has a good pension and the state pension, I have state pension and, as I took a lump sum when I retired, a small top up each month from my works pension. We manage.

Flowerofthewest

Equity release is something my children have asked me to avoid and they said that they would lend me the money if needed and put a charge on the house so that money could not be taken for care fees etc.
In all honesty I am hoping to leave the house and some money to the children.
I may have to go to them for money if I was wanting to replace my car every 3 years etc until I am 107 but I don't think that is likely to happen.

Frank

I don't think my children could afford to lend us what we needed to improve the house Frank. They looked into it with us and were happy for us to go ahead. I have some regrets now as our mortgage was paid off now we have something rolling up that will have to be paid when we pop off. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Too late now though.

Flowerofthewest

I have told my children to make sure that if they lend me any money to put a charge on the house, charge interest and to make sure it would take priority over any care fees.
Eventually my daughters will hopefully inherit my house anyway so the mortgage will not be of any practical effect.
Obviously if there is any doubt I will use equity release if necessary but I think this will be very unlikely.

Frank

Flower it's not a case of the children expecting their parents to not spend their money and leave them an inheritance. Some of it is the situation of the parent's share going to the second spouse's children, who are not related. It is unfair and is exactly what my father has done because he didn't leave a will. Not at all what he wanted but even if he had left a will and his second wife sold the house to go into a retirement home his share would have been swallowed up. He had thought it out and talked about it, he also had shares to be left to his five children and his stepson after his death but none of us got them. He trusted my stepmother to carry out his wishes.

My step mother also sold items that belonged to both my parents, one they had both intended to be passed down to my brother. She also asked two of my children and one SIL to help her pack up when she had sold the house to move to a retirement village. When they were clearing out the garage they found Dad's old fishing rods and asked if they could have them and she asked my father's own grandchildren to pay for them. Dad would have been livid. A year after my father died I asked for a book my father had told me to take with me one day because I was reading it while I was at his house. It was a book of our ancestors and I stupidly didn't take it that day. When I asked for it she said she wanted to read it. Later she couldn't find it and I wont be able to get another copy. It's not a book about her ancestors. She had no regard that he was also our father.

It's not just about inheritance, it's about wanting your family to benefit and pass on family memories. I want my children to benefit from anything I have, I won't be forgoing holidays etc, but what is left after I die is for them.

I understand completely ~Faye, Just went off track a bit. sorry It does seem to get a bit messy in some cases I agree. And like you say it is not all about the money. There are some things I would want to pass on to my children, such a photographs etc. Not sure how these would be dealt out though. I suppose I was just focusing on the money aspect. I have friends whos children totally expect to be left a large sum of money, it just seems to be such an old fashioned way of thinking these days.

I knew I would be in trouble and

Thanks for all your comments, it's very tricky isn't it? My OH is a widower and also has 4 adult stepchildren as well as his own children from his marriage to his late wife so his own property is his. However one of the adult stepchildren made a sort of jokey comment recently about inheritance which panicked me a bit!
I can see that I seriously need to broach the subject of making wills, although have tried before and my lovely, lovely OH is just so totally laid back and lives for the moment!
I totally agree with poster who said there is no right to inheritance. My elderly parents are beginning to need some care and if all money and assets are swallowed up by the cost of that so be it, they worked hard all their lives and it's theirs to spend.

I don't have children so the question of who inherits what doesn't really apply. I have made Powers of Attorney and Wills leaving everything to be shared between my DH's nieces and nephews and my nieces and nephews (although when I mentioned this to my sister in law she said that she hoped I would spend everything before I went!)

Flower don't apologise. It was good to get it off my chest. I didn't realise how it all still annoyed me. None of us have said anything to her. My father who was very insightful sometimes was a bit insensitive at others. He burnt all his parent's family photos, while clearing out his parent's house. My poor aunt was not happy.

My mum knows a couple who had to deal with this. They saw a solicitor and made wills which made bequests to their own children. The upshot is that if/when one of them die their children will inherit half the house but the remaining spouse will live there in perpetuity. Then when the second one dies the other children inherit that half of the house. The house will then be sold and the money shared between the two. Their wills also make bequests of money and other things like rings, watches, paintings etc.

On a much lighter, not to say silly note, when absentdaughter and absent son-in-law were discussing whether to have another child – they already had four – absent son-in-law pointed out that I had only four investment properties so perhaps they ought to wait until I bought a fifth. They didn't wait and absentbaby is now one year old – but I now do have five investment properties.

I perhaps should mention that my oh is from the Far East where there is no culture of inheriting, everything is rented and therefore he finds the subject of inheritance, wills etc puzzling.
As we own a house each I would hope that eventually our children will inherit their own parents house but of course this would only be after we have both passed away.
Out of interest, if we were married, would these problems still occur on one or both of our deaths?

Going off track a little again. A very very good friend of ours passed away last year. He lived on his own, a retired minister, his family only really contacted him sporadically, he used visit them 200 mile away when he was well. He has a very good and loyal friend, also a minister and his wife, who used to take him back and forth to hospital and who visited him every day and sat through the last days of his life.

When he had passed away the family turned up to 'clear' the house (which was rented) A skip was hired and almost EVERYTHING was thrown into the skip without thought that a friend or another member of the family would like a momento. Luckily the minister friend knew of the skip idea and turned up just in time to rescue a treasured coffee table (to which a story hangs) hundreds of books and photograph albums. The family were about to heave the lot into the skip. Also rescued were papers, letter and cards all of which his dear friend is trawling through to see if there is anyone who needs to know of this lovely man's death.

So sad, just wanted to get this off my chest. BTW we have been given the photos pertaining to our holidays with him as have members of his family who are in the photos.

Flowerofthewest

I think it would be good if elderly people had a list of people to be contacted in the event of their death.
I lived with my father for over 8 years before he passed away.
To date I have had 6 people contact me saying they wished they had known and they would have liked to have come to his funeral.
Another thing I have done is keep my father's mobile phone and I check if people are trying to contact him.
Immediately after his death I checked it daily but I now check it once a week.
Nobody had tried to contact him on it since about September last year but somebody did last week.

Frank

AS I live alone with no neighbours, I have thought seriously about what would happen in the event of my sudden death. Juragran knows my daughters contact number and would, I am sure, let her know. I must give Juragran's name and number to my concierge. I would not like my daughter to waste money on attending my cremation - she knows I have no belief in any afterlife and do not care what happens to my remains, other than to hope any useful bits can be donated.
I have already divided up thousands of photographs taken over 50 years and made two different sets of albums, one for each daughter containing all the photos of their own children. I have given them the albums and now my photos are all on line.
All my documents, bank accounts, tax returns, etc. are in separate folders in a plastic crate. Juragran has offered to deal with the sale of my flat if it is ever necessary. (What would I do without her?)
I will just have to stay alive until I emigrate - it would be too complicated if I died in France!

Sorting out financial affairs with a late-arriving partner does involve a lot more than deciding on wills. There are the nuts and bolts of living to deal with too – arguably more important than what happens once you're dead. This can be especially difficult if there is financial imbalance in the partnership for example. It can also be difficult if one partner had a profligate partner in the past. As we get older, we tend to get set in our ways. I married Mr absent when I was 48 and it took a very long time before I yielded at all over my total financial independence.

Some expats to France have run into very serious problems because of the way the 'Code Napoleon' dictates the inheritance rules. It is impossible to disinherit your children, even if you have not seen them for 40 years. This can cause trouble even where a couple just have shared children, but where one or both has children from a previous relationship it can be disastrous. If they get proper advice before they buy a house, they can put it into a sort of company trust, but many have not realised this and have been dumbfounded when they find an estranged child of their spouse is entitled to a big share of the estate.
It is now possible to leave a certain sum outside of your will to anybody you choose, but after that the rest follows a strict order.
This is another reason for me to move to New Zealand.

Greatnan / absent

I wont go in to it as you knew my father's and my circumstances.
It would have been almost impossible for my father to get into another relationship.
Dad took the decision that he wanted me back in the parental home and I had altered my circumstances accordingly.

Frank

My post was not intended to refer to your situation, Frank, it was just a comment on how difficult things can be when there are stepchildren involved.