Bailing out family member again!

Oh Wendy I know how you feel !!!! I really miss my husband desperately at times like this as he was always the tough, logical one. Also the utterly maddening thing is that all my children have grown into wonderful, straight, honest, hard working and independent people to whom I turn on occasions for advice. Sadly can't do it in this instance, they would be mad!!!

When you say your children would be mad it makes me think you know it is wrong to help. I worked in debt management for a while and the best help you can give is to say no. That way they need to cut their cloth accordingly and realise they can't open more than they have coming in. To the OP re vets bills I would have insisted they now take out pet insurance as you will not pay any more bills for them. Please don't think of this as tough love the best love is nurturing everyone into responsible independent adults

I really wanted a Swarovski watch. It was the 'bling' one with the diamonte strap, and not cheap.

I dropped hints for Christmas but people bought me other things.

I could have bought myself one, a new coat and a designer handbag and some Ugg boots. I could have had a nice new hairdo, plus I could have had a spa day somewhere posh, and afternoon tea at Harvey Nicks in Leeds with the money I have 'lent' out since Christmas to a family member.

I won't get the money back and don't expect it nor want it, but I could also have had that watch............. it was within my grasp........

Never lend money to a family member if you expect it back.

Never allow anyone to think you can afford to lend it if they keep on bleeding you dry because one day you will be as dry as a bone.

When they call, don't answer your mobile, is another good one

Good advice from a weak woman

DS2 and his GF got engaged in the Maldives, bespoke ring, etc. A year or so later they honeymooned in Hong Kong and Borneo. He said, 'We haven't got any money, Mum'. Mum smiled sympathetically.

On those occasions when we have helped out, we have always insisted on a pay back plan, eg. so much each month for x months till it's paid off. That way, they don't ask very often (not at all, nowadays as they're more settled and earning more).

And we don't feel too put upon....

I have never ever given DC money when they have got into a financial mess. I have only lent it to them with a tight repayment agreement, which I kept them to. As a result since they graduated and started working they have run their lives circumspectly. I had seen too many friends bailing their children out and the more they bailed the more they were asked for help

I have given DC money at various times, either because I had a windfall or legacy or because I could see they were potentially in a tight spot and a little extra might help.

Constantly bailing children out is killing them with kindness.

When she was a student DD2 once rang and asked for some money to tide her over. She had looked in my little pot of cash in the kitchen and it was empty.
Unfortunately we were camping on the Scilly Isles at the time and had no way of transferring any money to her account.
That taught her

One of mine actually offered me a loan a year or so ago. Tables turned!

There's an organisation CAP, Christians Against Poverty who will work with people in debt whilst helping them to be realistic, learning about budgeting and money management without being judgemental. I know several people who had got themselves into serious debt and who are now walking much taller and managing their lives more effectively. If you Google CAP you'll be able to access more info.

Beattie there could be a long wait to see someone at the CAB, especially just after Christmas. You might be better off telling them to get in touch with one of the big debt charities like CAP or StepChange which will be able to help them now. It just takes one phone call to take that first step.

CAP

StepChange

One important thing to stress is there's absolutely no need to pay for help. There's a lot of companies who offer help, but charge for the service.

I do not lend money to anyone and especially not family. My parents-in-law bailed out and bailed out and bailed out their sons and daughters for years(not just pennies either,£1000s), and when they got old and elderly and needed help with things (not money,practical things) where were they all? They were nowhere to be seen apart from me, my husband and one or two more distant relatives. My parents-in-law got all their thanks in one basket and the family learned nothing, they are still getting into monetary sh** to this day.

I have gifted money or loaned on a very odd occasion, in a one off emergency or something like that. I had years of having my husbands family at our door to borrow money, that was the only time we ever saw them, they never came for a visit or to see how WE were, it was always some disaster or crisis, usually a money one. When the cash machine that was my parents-in-law dried up, so did the visits. The same when we refused them money, the visits stopped when we would not drop everything and lend them cash. I would also like to add they were then earning a damn sight more than the both of us.

I have come to the conclusion that if you lend once, they just keep coming back and assuming it will happen all the time. The trouble with my husbands siblings they all wanted a film star lifestyle, but didn't have the earnings to do that. My husband and I now live off a pension, so don't have the means to lend to anyone now.

Cher53 the reason my late Dad didn't want to marry my Step-Mum was her family. He didn't want them to get their hands on his money. They treat her like dirt when it comes money and take advantage in so many ways. She worked, but not in a well paid job and had a mortgage. All three of them are still sponging off her even now when she's in her 70s. Her son moved in after his marriage broke down and he pays for nothing even though he is in a well paid job. The two daughters are both married with children and regularly go shopping with my Step-Mum, adding things to the trolley knowing they won't pay for them - even big packs of nappies. It's how she brought them up and the GC think she's wonderful because she buys them things. I can't help but think she's i debt herself because she gives so much to her family.

The sad thing is Wilma, the families just don't see their own selfishness and I think it is downright unacceptable to be taking money from your aged parents, the sons and daughters should be supporting them ! Not the other way about.

But if the children have been brought up to expect to have everything they want..... I heard a very sad interview on the radio a few weeks ago. A retire couple were explaining that because they had had impoverished childhoods when they had a good income they gave their children everything they wanted, thinking they were giving them opportunities they never had. Instead, they said, their children were now in their 40s and still expecting their parents to fund things they couldn't afford but had bought anyway.

The parents said they had finally decided that the time had come for them to put themselves first. They had told their children that they would bail them out no longer and stuck to it and as a result they hardly ever saw them. The wife said as an afterthought, 'we thought we were doing the best for them, but we were wrong weren't we.'

My old neighbour had a saying - "rags to rags in three generations". People need to know hardship in order to learn how to overcome it. Continually drawing money out from the Bank of Mum and Dad teaches adult children nothing.

I agree with synonymous I think Beattie is being too kind. There is being short of money because income is low but if you can afford to buy big holidays and designer clothers etc but cannot afford the bills you are living beyond your means. S

Posted too soon.
Synonymous's advice is good, as are others who talk about how to set limits organise finances. Tough love is needed.

If they were short of money for reasons beyond their control I would be more sympathetic and willing to assist.

We continuously bailed out a family member till Jan 2015. We watched our savings steadily lessen. It was the last straw.

Now all is on a level footing. A relief to all concerned