never lend to family

I am sorry caz that you are in this sad position. I would do anything not to be kept away from my grandchildren.
I have always lent money with the attitude that I can bear the loss if it is not repaid. We loaned a smallish sum to one of our sons and my ex made his life miserable repeatedly asking when it was going to be repaid. Poor lad repaid in full as soon as he could. Now I am on my own my needs are few and I give to my offspring where I can, one of them far more than the others because the need is greater and fortunately the other two are happy with that.
I twice lent money to friends in difficulties and both times was repaid, one in cash and the other in kind.
But when our 'lovely' old apple-cheeked mobile knife-grinder, who had visited for years, begged me to help him with a small loan, under £20, to mend his van, I had a sense that it wasn't a good idea but felt sorry for him, gave it him and wrote it off in my mind. I later discovered that he had done the same to many of my neighbours and sure enough was never seen in our road again.

Sorry to hear of your situation caz55. We have lent to both our DC for various reasons.
Our daughter is very sensible and we lent her the stamp duty to buy a property, she had been saving for 11 years since university which we paid for, she did not come out with a loan. Had she not bought two years ago she still would be saving now. Unfortunately we live in a very expensive area. She has paid over half back already and is desperate to pay the rest as soon as she can.
Our son racked up debts on credit cards to pay for clothes, holidays and Champagne and this was whilst living at home. Twice I have paid off his debts and he has now paid most of this back as I let him off some of it. He has now moved into a rented flat which we have also helped furnish and set up.
Good for you Gononsuch if you can afford to give it away but we are not wealthy and my children do not expect us to support them forever. Of course we will always help them in whatever way we can.

I think that there are circumstances when you might give money to children, and in most families the parents would want to give equal amounts to each of their children. For instance if the parents have some sort of windfall, lottery win or inheritance.

I also think that in some circumstances it makes sense for a parent who can afford it to lend money on an interest free basis rather than have the child borrow elsewhere and pay a lot of interest to a lender. For instance you might want to lend your adult child money to buy a much needed car and when you do so put something in writing regarding agreed repayment schedule.

This is being a helpful and caring parent, but still being business-like and most children would be very grateful. The parents should tell their other children they had done this but need not also lend them money unless the need arose.

I've been in a similar situation. The problem was compounded by other family members making judgements which did not help the situation. Sibling rivalry and petty jealousies came into play too. I made it quite clear it was between myself and DS. It does make relationship with other DC difficult but I would have done the same for them if it had been necessary. If I thought that DS had the readies and all other avenues had failed, I would pursue in the small claims court. Maybe the threat will sharpen him up!

I agree that giving is much better than lending. My attitude is that I'd rather my children got my money now when they have many commitments, rather than having it go to the hatchet faced owner of a care home when I'm older

We are also of the opinion that money is more beneficial now, rather than later, re helping with properties etc, and as a result gave 2 DDs the same amount. Like many posters, we have said that they'd get it anyway, but now I worry that our assets may disappear to care homes. I know that if I died, DH would definitely need care. I have seen this happening to friends. A couple of years of care eats up a large proportion of finance.

Hi Libmoggy

Are you on twitter, if you are you've really got to keep you're wits about you now, I'll soon find out because I' sending you a welcome

I think the Small Claims Court is your best option and the text evidence should be sufficient to pursue the claim. It may not go that far, once he receives a summons it may "shame" him into repaying the debt. However, although you say it doesn't bother you to "sue" him because you don't really care if you never have contact again, "never" is a long time especially where grandchildren are concerned.

It is a sad situation and it seems your son has no intention of paying you back and finding elaborating reasons not too, I would right off the debt and formally tell him it is a gift. I would then give some time as he will have no reason to continue with the nasty comments and he will have to deal with that himself. You have a right to see your grandchildren so I would ask to allow visits and maintain contact via letters etc... So your grandchildren always know you you wanted to be apart of their lives (take copies of letters as when they are older of the letters are not passed on they can read them). Hopefully in tome you can build a relationship back with your son. This situation happened in my family and at the final stages of my nans life she wanted to make up and settle the hurt in her heart but passed away before this could happen, sometimes it really os too late.

I agree with Kathryn. In the end you have to decide what you actually want - is it worth all the grief? I would say not, and as unfair as it is to lose this money, wouldn't it be so much better to try and repair your relationship? I don't condone his behaviour for a minute, but who knows if you back down and say OK let's stop this all and I'll gift the remaining amount to you, he may rethink his behaviour and feel rather guilty! as well he should stopping you from seeing your grandchildren! sometimes though we need to back down even though we are in the right to resolve a situation. I hope you all the best and hope it all works out.

There was a phone in on This Morning itv about lending money to family and friends and there was some good advice given, worth a watch on catch up tv.

I give money, not lend, at least we can see where it goes. When they inherit it could be frittered away on holidays we could only dream of

Print out the texts so that you don't lose them and then sue if you need the money. It is a verbal contract evidenced in writing by his texts and that is enforceable. You can also go straight to a bankruptcy notice but a small claims case is probably better.
It is a bit sad though. I had to apologise some years ago because I hadn't been able to repay my mother some money she had lent me when I had expected to and she said 'oh I've forgotten about that'. It wasn't as much as you had lent but still a considerable amount. Now she won't take anything but I worry that she could do with more care than she can pay for.
Hopefully a summons would be enough to produce a response, most cases don't get to court, but some people never pay and don't really care about judgments. Would you be prepared to send in bailiffs.

We have lent our son money in the past and he has always repaid it, but we wrote off the money when he was getting married. My daughter never needed a loan so it wouldn't have been fair to just give him the money. We have paid for things for her though which probably equalised the situation. I wonder caz55 if your MS resents you needing the money to put down a deposit on a house for your younger son. Did you do the same for MS?

It's a very sad situation and there is no call for him to have disowned you like this.

Seven years ago I lent my brother £70,000 for six months to prevent him from going bankrupt. He signed a statement to this effect.
Since then I have continually asked him when he is going to pay us back and the answer is always "in January when I've sold one of my properties "or "in April when I get my pension "and many more excuses too numerous to mention. He doesn't ever contact us it's always me who makes contact with him. We have recently moved house to a more expensive area and need the money for renovations,needless to say it still hasn't materialised.
My son in Australia always pays for my flights when I visit and uk son pays for us to go on holiday abroad with them each year. They are both aware of the situation.
I'm writing this as a cautionary tale to anyone who is thinking of lending money!

on the other hand I have recently found out that 2 of my Children have lent money to their Dad ! He has no intention of repaying it , they are philosophical about it at the moment but I can see fireworks when they try to claim from his estate , the other Children have no idea

the point is we don't have the money we are not well off by any means he needed the money to get himself out of debt and now we are the ones in debt because we helped him ,

yes he was helped to buy his house in fact he had mil house at a very good price and YS also knew it would be a loan to get them started

Giving money too readily doesn't encourage a sense of responsibility so lending can be the best option. Anyway, how do we know we won't need it ourselves at a later date. I gave one of mine money for her wedding and the other got the deposit for his first flat purchase. After that it would be loans only as who knows what's round the corner. I would be in no doubt I would get it back. I would be in no doubt they would lend money to me in the unlikely event of me needing it.

My ex husband gave a loan to my Son without consulting me it was a large sum of money. My son did not tell his wife when we divorced things took a turn for the worse and I told my son that his wife needed to know about the debt he still refused to tell her so I forced the issue. This has resulted in my Son not talking to me it has been 6 months now and I have not seen my grandchildren I am very upset that he has taken his wife's side when we did him a favour !

It is all very kind to give adult children money rather than lend. I would give my DDs again but one has a DH who does not work eats take aways rather than make a meal he does not even make a sandwich he will buy them at high cost. DD maybe willing to work all hours to keep this lazy man but I dont want to.
Other Dd had a drug taker now has aomeone I feel unsure about. She seems to be more stuck for money now than when she had a druggie in the house. She was complaining about the cost of DGC clothes so I offerred to buy the clothes but I got nipped at and not spoken to since.
I dont know what all is going on but I dont want to be financing other peoples adult children.

We have recently given both DDs very substantialt sums to buy property (inherited money) DD 1 has had twice as much as DD2 so our wills have been changed to reflect this .Both know and and DD2 is quite happy with it (she doesn't actually see the need, but we do!) .They have both been brought up to understand that fair doesn't always mean equal(at least not at the time)
Dd1is borrowing a further £10,000 to refurbish and furnish .We could afford to give it to her tbh but she and we feel 'enough is enough'She will ultimately get a lodger and the rent will be the repayments.It hasn't occurred to us to set up formal agreement ....
I too believe in giving the DDs money when they need it if you can do so without compromising your own situation..Both ours are well aware of how fortunate they are and would not dream of making demands on us

That should have read that I would have given my DDs anythimg.....

peaceatlast that's my view too. I wouldn't give my grown up children money without a jolly good reason. I recently lent my daughter and SiL £4,000 (interest free) to upgrade their central heating system as if they had taken out a loan to do so it would have entailed interest.

I don't believe in paying interest. I'd rather keep the money in the family than pay banks etc..

They have proved they are good at repaying in the past so I trust them on this. I lent money to my late sister which she never made any effort to repay and when she asked for a second loan I refused.

I don't think I'm being mean or hard but my children were brought up to value money and both had weekend and holiday jobs and worked to supplement their grants through university, still managing to get good degrees.

If you want the money rather than need it, as you have other children I suggest that in your will, if you are dividing money between all of them, that you make it clear the money he owes should be deducted and split between the other 2 before the rest of the money is divided equally. If you are not including him in your will he is the loser in the end, so just try to forget about it. If you need the money, of course you must try to get it back which, I think, must mean consulting a solicitor. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.