Helping grown children with money

I agree about giving money if you can afford it. But I also totally agree about your DIL getting a job perhaps in the evenings for a few hours. It would show willingness to help and financially could make quite a big difference.

We provided my daughter with the money she needed for the deposit on her house.
On the paperwork we were required to say whether it was a gift or a loan.
If we'd declared it as a loan we would all have had to agree what the repayment schedule was, and that amount would have been included when the building society assessed her ability to repay the mortgage amount.
We ticked the "gift" box as it was simpler!

You have to take your children's family set-ups as they are. This is their chosen life style. At their age how would you have felt if you or your spouses parents had tried to change any aspect of your life style to suit their preferences?

I also think I think any money being given should be given unconditionally unconditionally. If it is a loan, then make sure that everything is written down and signed and make sure that both of you place the same interpretation on every clause.

Don't lend or give for deposit ....if they buy somewhere themselves....but them a house warming present.

So, your dil has a load of pets but your son doesn’t? This screams spoof to me, too.

Oh, and what are the sons thoughts on the home educating? Has he had no involvement in these significant child rearing decisions, then? Sorry, still thinking “spoof” post.

I agree with MOnica in any case it sounds like you don't have a lot of spare cash to help them. You need to look after yourself as well. Are there other ways you can help, school books, food, baby sitting etc.

I'm a bit stunned, frankly.

Your DIL, by homeschooling, saves thousands a year in child care costs. Add in all the other stuff she does to make your son's and grandchildren's lives better (guessing she does most, if not all of the meals, housework, etc).

And none of that counts for anything, since there's no income earned.

Wow.

And to add, don't give the money, since it's clear you'll resent it.

I'm just stunned that the work of a stay at home parent, who's homeschooling the children (ESPECIALLY given the global pandemic) is dismissed as not working/choosing not to work, and why can't she at least get a part time job to contribute.

I think that some of the comments to the OP are a bit unfair.

Switch the specifics of the son’s family circumstances to ‘they want me to give them money towards a deposit when they holiday three times a year, all have phone contracts that cost £80 per person and eat out twice a week’. How would those criticising feel then?

If the OP feels that changes in the family lifestyle could mean that they could manage without her help, does it matter what those changes might be?

The OP has said that she has worked all her life for her money and could ‘just about’ manage to help. I can understand her feeling a bit uneasy about running herself short to help someone who has chosen not to work, just as I could understand someone being reluctant to do without luxuries themselves to subsidise the basics for a family with an expensive lifestyle.

The principle is the same (or should be) whether you approve of the lifestyle choices or not.

Perhaps the way in which what were, presumably, joint decisions about work, schooling and pets have been laid at the feet of the DIL are unfair, but I don’t think that having second thoughts about subsidising a lifestyle that is too expensive for the family to afford is unreasonable at all.

Betty25, don`t do it, you will need your own safety net, especially as you get older. You will need to keep your own home warm enough, what if you need a carer to come in to help you?.

They have a safety net in that if push comes to shove, they could use state schools and both could then go to work. Your savings will be your safety net and please stop feeling guilty, their lifestyle is their choice

Chewbacca

Hang on a minute.... If your daughter in law is home schooling your grandchildren, how do you expect her to go out and get a job? Are you suggesting that she could get a job and work from home at the same time as home schooling the children? If so, yes, you are being u reasonable. Or are you suggesting that your son and his wife should give up their principles of wanting to home school their children, send them to a state school and send the wife out to work? If so, yes, you are being unreasonable because how they run their home is nothing whatsoever to do with you. Please, under no circumstances, lend/give/donate them any money. The resentment you feel, and which is clearly showing in your post, will eat away at you and your son and his family will feel beholden to you forever. Money, whether given or gifted, should be with no strings attached, no judgements and certainly no resentment. Keep your money in your pocket Betty25.

All of that that!

Plus, if your son could only "just" afford the repayments on a mortgage, he might struggle very much as the cost of living crisis deepens, especially if it lasts any length of time (assuming you are in the uk).

Would you then be prepared to help out on a regular basis if 'just' were to become 'not quite'? If it was your generosity that got them into that situation, there might be a certain amount of moral obligation ...

I'm just stunned that the work of a stay at home parent, who's homeschooling the children (ESPECIALLY given the global pandemic) is dismissed as not working/choosing not to work, and why can't she at least get a part time job to contribute.

I'm more stunned that someone might accept (we don't know that they have asked) money from someone else when they are capable of providing for their own children themselves.

As people have said, it is their choice to run their lives like this, but we can't always choose to do things how we would like. If I could choose to live in a mansion overlooking Lake Geneva I'd be there like a shot; but as it is, I make the best of what I have. I don't buy one, then expect someone else to pay the mortgage.

The best Help you can give us to point them in the right direction - help to buy ISAs, part but part rent schemes, how to budget - TV programmes on budgeting - ie: Martin Lewis Money Show, there are others that show families how to budget.
Helping them stand on their own feet is more enabling than throwing money at the issue.

This has disaster written all over it so I would not get involved in the first place. Giveing money can lead to a lot of problems no matter what agreements have been signed. If someone chooses not to repay you then you won’t get repaid! Let’s pretend you do help them buy a place and down the line they split up and the house is sold half going to d in law as it should. Another scenario to bear in mind because I’ve been on the end of that one!

We have helped both dds with property purchases, but had to stipulate in writing to their mortgage lenders that the money was an outright gift, not a loan, so I’m not sure any help with strings attached would necessarily work.

OP, I think that any such help needs to be provided very willingly, or it’s almost bound to cause resentment later.

Have the son and dil actually asked for help or money or is the op just sticking her oar in, pardon the expression, thinking she is helpful but wanting to lay down laws and conditions? Have they enquired about a mortgage? Some people are just happy paying rent. Housing associations have deals for part buying and paying rent.

Giving money to your children does not always help them. At times you get absolutely no thanks for it. In larger families it becomes an issue of great resentment between siblings. Ive also known some people who lend/give money to adult children, who then return to parents and always have the next crisis or other they need money for. It is very difficult. One thing, treat your children the same because if you don't, they will resent you and their other siblings.

TerriT makes a very valid point about divorce. I also would not lend money if I could not afford to do so.

If you have any reservations or want to make any stipulations about giving your family money, then I would say don’t do it,
I would only give it as a gift with a good heart, and let them decide how to spend it.
Certainly don’t leave yourself in a precarious financial position to give them part or all of a house deposit IMO.

Doodledog

*I'm just stunned that the work of a stay at home parent, who's homeschooling the children (ESPECIALLY given the global pandemic) is dismissed as not working/choosing not to work, and why can't she at least get a part time job to contribute.*

I'm more stunned that someone might accept (we don't know that they have asked) money from someone else when they are capable of providing for their own children themselves.

As people have said, it is their choice to run their lives like this, but we can't always choose to do things how we would like. If I could choose to live in a mansion overlooking Lake Geneva I'd be there like a shot; but as it is, I make the best of what I have. I don't buy one, then expect someone else to pay the mortgage.

According to OP, nobody's asked her for money. She's considering offering.

Just do not do it is my strong advice. You will need a safety net of savings for your future, especially with cost of living . Your son and dil have made a life style choice which is all well and good if you can afford it. There are other choices for getting on the housing ladder ‘ rent and buy, is just one of them and then look at there life style choice and see what they can change to afford saving for a deposit.

Your DIL is working all day long and saving the family a ton of money. Working outside the home, especially with childcare expenses, costs quite a lot. It's unfair to expect her to be able to work evenings as well as all she does. When I was home with children I was also busy all evening long, then waking up during the night to a young child. I presume your son has some say in the family arrangements. My DH was quite happy for me to be home as it meant he didn't have to make work compromises, advance more slowly due to this, or juggle his schedule around shared childcare.

If you are going to resent giving money, then don't. They will find another way. If it means they have to choose between a particular lifestyle and a home, then that's for them to decide. It puts no obligation on you.

According to OP, nobody's asked her for money. She's considering offering.
A point which I made two posts above the one you quote.

My response in the post you quoted was to your being ‘stunned’ that someone might have a different point of view from yours. The OP had pointed out that her reservations came from the fact that she worked all her life to put herself in the position where she could ‘just about’ afford to offer help to their son and his family, when, however you phrase it, they have opted to live on one salary.

To dismiss her reservations as ones you find ‘stunning’ is to disregard her right to feel as she does because her reasons for having the reservations don’t align with your personal beliefs.

The OP was not asking for a judgement in her views about her DIL not working. She was asking whether, in the light of her reservations, she could justify not paying towards supporting that way of life.

OP doesn't have to justify offering or not offering. It's her money. If she has reservations then she probably shouldn't offer. If she thinks she might resent the consequences for herself of giving away money because she has a judgement of her son's family's chosen way of living, she shouldn't give either. Any gifting needs to be free of any mixed feelings for the benefit of everyone involved and for the good of the ongoing relationship. IMO.