Helping grown children with money

In situations such as this, i always think, the money that is sat in the bank may not be need right now, so thoughts are able to circulate ones mind of helping adult children out BUT what about years down the line when that money ( or some of it ) is very much needed, none of us know what is round the corner, so i ALWAYS feel the need for a 'cushion' ( Cushion being 'something' to fall back on, security)

I think OP is getting a lot of unfair criticism, nobody wants to see their families struggle. However these adults and have made the decision to lead the lifestyle they do while living on one income, all well and good if they can afford to do that, if they can’t afford this lifestyle then it’s up to them to find a solution. My daughters would dearly love to stay at home with their children but they also chose to have mortgages, cars to run etc which requires two incomes therefore they work - their decision. In your position OP I would also have reservations.

DS and DIL obviously have put their family choices over a higher income. If they can afford it and are willing to make the sacrifices involved, good on them. Maybe they are quite happy renting for a bit longer and delaying achieving their own home, as this is more important to them?

I've heard other people say they couldn't afford to stay home but in many cases, it does come down to lifestyle choice. A couple of us were talking with another mother who was quite upset about not being able to be home with her children. She lived in one of the most expensive areas with a huge house with an amazing ocean view. The mortgage was huge and took her entire salary. Sensing she really wanted ideas as she was quite tearful about this, it was suggested that had she consider selling and buying a still very nice house at half the price, which would have afforded her the ability to stay home, since she seemed to want it so much. She argued but she didn't want to give up that home, so she couldn't stay home. Well, obviously she'd made her choice and chosen her priority. She wanted the house more than to stay home.

OP's son and DIL clearly want the home life they have chosen rather than the house right now. They have also chosen what they will have now and what they will sacrifice.

That's something we all have to do. Few of us can have it all.

OP, my concern for you is that, if you give this money, it will leave you short somewhere down the line. Is that a risk you want to take? There is no guarantee your son and DIL will be willing or able to help you out in future if that happens.

I agree Liljan I feel that the original poster has been unfairly criticised. It’s very easy for those who have plenty of money to say that they gave or would give their children money for a house deposit but not everyone is in such a good financial position especially a parent on their own. The OP states that she would find it difficult and presumably has no way of replenishing her savings. The son and daughter in law have more options available to them. I definitely would not offer if it meant struggling myself. So according to some posters this would constitute selfishness. I just wonder if they would make the same accusations against the son and family if the parent was struggling financially?

I think there is a big divide between those who can run a 'Bank of Mum and Dad' and those who can't. The very fact that there is such a phrase is evidence of that, really.

It is not a sign of being a more caring parent to be able to help - anyone can throw money about if they have it - and where housing is concerned the sums are often huge. We all want to help our children, and most parents are very easily triggered into feeling guilty anyway. Constantly hearing about people who have 'given a leg up onto the housing ladder' to their children or whatever can make people feel that they have failed if they can't do the same.

On this thread, I think there has been a lot of smuggery. Saying that money has to be freely given, or should only come with no resentment sits on one side of a thin line below which is the suggestion that the giver is wrong (or morally dubious) if they weigh up whether the gift is needed or wanted.

IMO there is nothing wrong with feeling that you will help your children, even to your last penny, if they need it, but you will not give them the luxury of making lifestyle choices that run them short if that means that you will reduce the number of choices open to you.

In my experience, those who can give house deposits to children often have inherited big or been given that same leg up themselves. That's a huge financial advantage that can be passed on sometimes.

I certainly never expected anything from my parents and have only given to my children what I wanted to give, not because I felt I should or had to. Nothing as big as a house deposit, or close to it, though.

Money has never been that important to me. I'm happy with enough to meet modest needs. I value experiences and time with people and family more. I've told my own parents, when they've talked of inheritance, to spend the whole lot traveling or doing whatever they enjoy if they want to. It's their money after all. I don't have a right to one cent of it.

Needs are, of course, different. A mortgage on a personally owned home is not a need.

Friend helped her daughter with the deposit for a house when daughter was single. Daughter is now married with a baby. SiL lost his job at the start of the pandemic and has only worked on an ad hoc basis since last year leading to the daughter having to go back to work before the end of her maternity leave, but only part-time. Friend has had to pay daughter’s mortgage 3 times in the past year. Fortunately they can afford it. Friend has 3 children not sure they can afford to do it for them all. Their children are all very competitive and I can see this leading to problems in the future.
My point is unless you can do it for all your children or your child is in dire straits you shouldn’t do it.

nandad

I agree with you when you say unless you can do it for all your children, IF (big IF, you can afford it and it leaves you with a 'cushion' to fall back on)

I have a son and daughter and i would never treat 1 without treating the other, be it in money terms or practical help, obviously the sutuation on this thread entails a lot of money.

Betty25 It sounds like you resent your DIL. Spoof or not, I'm with Chewbacca and Smileless.

Instead if our dil working some hours in the evening, how about your son getting a second job?

Your, not our

Good point Hithere.

Hithere

Instead if our dil working some hours in the evening, how about your son getting a second job?

This is a massive leap from the subject of the OP, which is asking about whether Betty25 should give money to her son and his family. I have no doubt that if the OP had suggested that the son got a second job she would have been accused of interfering and told in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business.

Mollymalone6, I don't know about resenting the DIL, but recognising that the lifestyle choices of the family are what is preventing them from doing for themselves what the OP is wondering whether to help them with is not unreasonable, surely?

If one of mine asked for money (and I know the OP's haven't asked - this is just for illustration) because Covid meant that their hours had been cut and they were short, if I could afford it I wouldn't hesitate. If they said that they couldn't meet their housing costs because they'd booked a holiday, or bought a new car, I would think long and hard, even if I wouldn't miss the cash. If that's judgemental, so be it - IMO they are two very different 'asks', and require different thought processes to reach a decision.

not everyone wants to own a home and have the upkeep hanging round their necks for life.I know a lot of people who stayed in the same new council houses they got 50 years ago and are happy to do so.All major repairs are covered and they often have done lots of inside work .

I dont understand the "you have to get on the property ladder" mentality .Maybe because renting was always normal where I live .The OP should check out long term rentals for them and if their income is low they can get help with their rent .Theres no shame in that despite what a lot of people on here think .

Hithere

Instead if our dil working some hours in the evening, how about your son getting a second job?

How is that any different to the DIL getting a job?

Betty25 given that you have other children and that by the sounds of it are not overly flush with funds yourself, I would not make the offer. As one gets older the issues that may arise can become expensive and you need to keep your funds to support yourself.

If your son cannot find the deposit without your input then it is not the time to buy and he needs to find another rental until he and his wife can afford the whole of the deposit and comfortably the repayments then it is not time for them.

This is a massive leap from the subject of the OP, which is asking about whether Betty25 should give money to her son and his family. I have no doubt that if the OP had suggested that the son got a second job she would have been accused of interfering and told in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business.

I think that is a distinct possibility Doodledog [hmmm]