estranged Brother on will

Whether you like it or not, it is her choice.

I can understand why. Although this son has become distant and apparently uncaring of his mother - as far as she is concerned he is still her son and she wishes him to know that she has never stopped caring for him.

It is "taking the higher moral ground" if you like, but with a mother's emotion at the heart of it.

Please don't give her a hard time about it, or become resentful.

Yes I know it’s her choice, but it’s still upsetting! I’m going to try to let it go over my head, so to speak.

Thanks for replying 😊

If I were your mother I would not be able to leave one of my children out of my will even if I never saw them as I would have spent years of their lives with them when they were younger and I would still love them.

You say you do not need the money so let it go.
I would never fall out with family over money.

Yes it IS VERY upsetting. But she's his mother and nothing will shift her. I'm in the same situation but my Mum is now dead and he's got his share(?) of the spoils.
Nothing can be done!

You do lots for your mother because you either want to or feel obliged to. Not for monetary gain.
You really have no right to ask your mother to remove your brother because his actions have annoyed you. It's not your Will. If you let it, this will eat you up and spoil the years that you have left with your mother.
As has been said many times on this forum Wills and families are a pain in the arse.

It is HER money, to do with as she pleases.
You already have spoken to her.
Are you intending to keep badgering her?

Her will is we what she wanted

I understand being resentful as you do more for your mother than he does, it could be time for you rethink how helping your mother impacts your life, without the "revenge" factor into account

Although this son has become distant and apparently uncaring of his mother - as far as she is concerned he is still her son and she wishes him to know that she has never stopped caring for him.

That's exactly it.

The will represents your mother's feelings towards her son, which are nothing to do with you.

Trying to tackle her about it or making snide comments would be very unkind of you.

Leave her alone. Despite the estrangement she still loves her son. I understand how upsetting it is for you and your other brother but she’s trying to make it clear that her love for each of you is unconditional. Your estranged brother will get his just desserts when he has to cope with receiving a gift from his mother at a time when he can no longer make peace with her.

I'm another who feels you need to let this go for your own sanity.

Your mother loves all three of you.
No doubt she appreciates you and your younger brother more than your older one. She will have been relieved to have you take some of the strain when you supported her through the death of your dad and will be grateful also to your husband and daughter.
I know it must feel a bit grating but hope that in time you will just accept it as your younger brother has.

You have the knowledge that you were there for your mother and have a supportive husband and a lovely daughter who is kind to people around her.
These are blessings your older brother may not have.

Germanshepherdsmum You are very wise indeed. I cannot post the trauma that I have gone through and only God knows what is right and wrong in my situation but you are spot on about what unconditional love means and what parenting is about. Annie1962 has gained from a close relationship with her mum yet she now sees her part of it as all-important. To her mother, she is the one who gave birth and she wishes to leave this world with her conscience intact, I wish I could say the same about my own parents.

Germanshepherdsmum

Leave her alone. Despite the estrangement she still loves her son. I understand how upsetting it is for you and your other brother but she’s trying to make it clear that her love for each of you is unconditional. Your estranged brother will get his just desserts when he has to cope with receiving a gift from his mother at a time when he can no longer make peace with her.

That rather assumes he has a conscience though.
Does this brother know about the will? Is your mother hoping it will stir him to make an effort?

It’s mothers love. Even if you brother does nothing to help it doesn’t mean your mother isn’t hurt by his actions but maybe she loves him none the less. Perhaps she wants him to realise at the end that she still loves him. I do understand your annoyance and I can see how much you’ve done for both your parents and how it may seem to you but the relationship between brother and sister is totally different than that between mother and child. Your mum loves all of you. Please don’t make her feel sad that she’s upset you.

Absolutely agree with leaving it alone. It doesn't really matter whether he has a conscience or not,it is your mother who needs to feel that she has been even handed and to show that she still loveshim regardless of his behaviour.. which might not bother her at all..

I think you need to consider whether you are doing too much for mum and it's affecting you negatively.

I understand that it is annoying your brother isn't doing his fair share but this is what your mum wants.

Try to look at it from her perspective rather than from his. I think having been a good daughter yourself is something to be proud of and rewarding without the money... the money is a simple bonus

Just leave your mum to it and she might end up and decide herself to change her will, but don't make her feel pressured into it. You just keep caring and looking after her, the reward of knowing you did right by her is precious and worth more than any money at the end of the day.

Germanshepherdsmum

Leave her alone. Despite the estrangement she still loves her son. I understand how upsetting it is for you and your other brother but she’s trying to make it clear that her love for each of you is unconditional. Your estranged brother will get his just desserts when he has to cope with receiving a gift from his mother at a time when he can no longer make peace with her.

Totally this....although I can understand how you feel about it. Your mum will no doubt need you more than ever, given her loss and although you say, you 'always say what I think', there are times when honesty without compassion can become closer to brutality.

It really is up to her what she does with her money.

I can imagine how galling it is to think of how he does nothing, and you do a lot, but it often happens that way.

Think of the Prodigal Son!

In most other countries, there would be no choice. Children are entitled to their equal share irrespective of their relationship to the deceased.

Same happened with my brother- he never did anything for our parents- but got what was due to him. A friend in France had a brother who had disappeared without trace. They had to wait 2 years to sell the house, and then put his share in a special account, just in case he would one day turn up, or a child of his.

Perhaps my saying ‘leave her alone’ comes across in a bullying way, which I didn’t mean. I just meant don’t upset Mum by criticising the way she’s decided to make her will. Generally it gives people peace to know that they have done what they believe to be the right thing. It is their final and lasting expression of love and forgiveness.

your mum did right. She brought three babies into the world and it is good that she will treat all three equally in her will. It is the last thing she can do for all of you

She must be happy, the way you have turned out and also the brother who visits. No point fretting over what you perceive as unfair, an expectation is surely not why we help our parents

Your mum loved nurtured and brought up three children she needs to express that love in her will whether all three were good bad or whatever It may not seem fair to you or your younger brother but it is fair to your mum and will give her peace of mind

She has three children not two and all three in my opinion should be treated equally whether they deserve it or not

You say your brother will be left a substantial amount of money when your Mother passes
I think my late brothers wife thought this and was expecting a big chunk when she died.
She hadn’t bargained on years of nursing home fees!

It is what it is....I do everything for my mum ...my brother flits in maybe twice a year....it was once last year....he will inherit half... thats what my mum wants...he's still her little boy. .
.even though she knows he's a waste of space.....my brother is loaded so the money he gets will mean nothing...but there you go .....as long as my mums happy im not bothered