Granny leave, sandwich generation, work...

Among my friends and acquaintances, quite a large proportion have far-flung families, all over the globe so they organise their lives to fit in with visits, some of which involve child care, including care of siblings when new arrivals are born, providing support such as respite care for parents of children with special needs ( again, a surprisingly high proportion). None of these grans are working.
However, many were working at a time they felt their ageing parents needed more support and some really regret that they could not take some form of break at difficult times when their parents were ill.
In my own case, Mum has lived with us for 35 years, since my dad died. At the beginning she provided child care while I worked, but osteoporosis soon set in and now the house and her lives are adapted to her needs.
One issue is that once retirement age is reached, carer's allowance ( less than £60 per week) cannot be claimed. This seems unfair, as Mum has no capital and would be a big drain on the State if she was in a home.

I've just been to a meeting arranged by MacMillan with other carers (although I'm not one now) to discuss the new bill on help for carers going through Parlament in October. It really highlighted the need for leave other than maternity/paternity leave. Many were still working and the struggle of caring for a dying relative with little or no help brought them to edge of breakdown. A couple quit their jobs as they weren't able to get any time off at all although the present law states that employers should make a reasonable effort to accommodate a carer.
And don't get me started on trying to obtain any sort of funding! (Even the MacMillan representatives were surprised to learn that carers allowance isn't paid if you're receiving a state pension.)

It's interesting you mention that the bulk of caring falls to women as this is absolutely my experience. I have wondered why this it and have concluded that I am of the generation where it was "expected" of daughters to fulfill these roles whereas sons were free to go off an be hunter gatherers. I like to think it will be different for our daughters and granddaughters but suspect it may take longer. Someone once said to me it is because women are more empathetic than men and used to being the primary carers for children. I thought that he may have been trying to ease his own conscience

My experience is not that it is always the woman who cares for GC or APs (aged parents)

Amongst my friends there is a very mixed picture. APs are usually a shared responsibility, either amongst siblings or between a couple.

With GC in my own case I do most of the baby care but DH does his fair share with older ones. This is also my observation amongst our friends.

My DH fortunately part has sisters and they do a rota of visiting MIL once a month. None of us live near. When she was really ill for a couple of weeks (turned out to be pancreatitis) DH did more than his share as he was more able to "work from home" than the sisters.
A difference is that if he is up to his eyes I sometimes "do his weekend" and happy to do so. Not in a million years would any of the sister's husbands think of doing so.
But let's face it, caring in the home for the young and the old has been the women's traditional role and it will take a long time before this tradition comes to an end.

I was forced to give up work to care for my mother as there was no flexibility offered and it became impossible to do both. That's bad enough but in my experience employers aren't exactly jumping at the prospect of employing us women of a certain age. We may have lots of experience but there always seem to be an endless supply of graduates willing to work all the hours for half the price. Anything that will help to keep us in the jobs in the first place can only be a good thing.

My husband and I have our own small business where we employ 5 people so I am forced to look at this from two very different angles. Firstly as an employer the amount of red tape, regulation and employment law we are forced to deal with is nothing short of ridiculous already. Can you imagine a scenario where we have one person off on maternity leave, another on paternity leave and another (me??) on carers leave? The business would be finished. It is much easier for larger organisations and the public sector but this would cripple small businesses. I am quite fortunate as I am able to juggle my hours a wee bit and am currently working three days a week (at work)instead of four. We cannot afford to pay someone to do my work so i tend to do my fourth "day" at night at home (PAYE, reports, quotes etc) .

Secondly speaking as someone who is very much caught up in the "sandwich" I can't honestly see what could be done to help other then perhaps allowing some sort of offset against tax for the time spent caring. I look after my 3 grandchildren 2 days a week (more during school holidays) allowing their parents to work (they both work in fairly low paid jobs so they are both forced to work). I have a very sick mother for whom I shop, and take to various hospital appointments.She is in a wheelchair. Then there is my grandma who is 97 and I am her designated next of kin as her only daughter (my mother) is less capable than she is. my grandma has just left hospital after a three week stay. She lives alone . We are a very small family so almost everything is down to me. I have managed to secure visits from carers twice a day via social services but I will still be her main carer. I visit her every day and sometimes its very hard to get away. It is me she has on speed dial for any emergency (being unable to find something is a major emergency, as is running out of bananas) and it is me who sorts out her hospital appointments, clinics, shopping etc. I don't begrudge one single minute of the time I spend with my grandma as she is so special to me and I feel that I am paying her back for the time she gave me as a child. I do however wish that the government could recognise how much money they are saving by my grandma staying at home and not entering the care home system.

Wow GillyBob . You certainly have your hands full & I full of admiration for all you are doing. Although your last sentence has been crossed out, I do agree with those sentiments and think that the government is missing the "bigger picture" . Is society being financially pressured into pushing the elderly ( particularly those with few assets) into care homes rather than encouraging more care within the family unit , which must be cheaper, as well as being far better for most. I have a picture of women in particular, trying to hold down fulltime jobs for much longer than in the past, but racked with guilt because they cant afford to do take time off to care for elderly parents.

The State Pension Age for women is rising...I will not get mine until I am 66. This means that whereas previously a woman could retire at 60 and look after family while still physically able and with a small regular income, this is now getting later and later in life. This also means jobs are not being freed up for youngsters thus creating a vicious circle.
Also I have been looking for an interesting but not too demanding local job. I would like a few hours each week on the same days and at the same times. But I keep coming up against 'zero hours' 'flexible' contracts..flexible in that you can be asked to work at any time to suit the business and not to suit you. I don't think that businesses that run like this mix with the idea of flexible transferable carers leave...

I found this article in the Guardian very interesting. goo.gl/kuvsJ5
Wouldn't it be cheaper for the government to find a better way of funding family carers rather than trying to fund an increasing number of health professionals and residential homes?

I too have a huge amount of respect for all you are doing gillybob. But I have much less respect for couples who have several children before they have the means to care for them themselves.

Sorry if this upsets anyone. And I know it will.

But to be. Fair, J0, for some people, there will never be a time when they can comfortably stay at home and care for their children themselves. Most childbearing is done by young people, who by definition have not worked their way up increasingly impossible career ladders! My mum helped me, and I'm glad to be able to help mine. That's life, really!

Pittcity - I can see your point but we are mostly healthier, and live for longer so it seems right that the pension age is pushed further back. It is also true that, in general, older people start to need care at a later age and couples are having children later so, apart from people like gillybob, the later pension/retirement age shouldn't really matter.

Hmm. Maybe.

I guess the looking after the grandchildren is probably the happier part of this kind of burden.

That was in reply to hummingbird.

Couldn't agree more, J0!

Hi Kittylester
Sorry to disagree, and hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but my own view is that the increase in retirement age matters because in the past, the likelihood of your parents having died ( often quite suddenly) before you retired was very much greater. It's great that better health care means people live longer, but that doesn't mean we are all sprightly in our latter years. More and more older people need care & it seems to me that daughters will continue to be viewed as the first option, whether or not they are still working. Due to a number of factors, including higher divorce rates, an increasing number of women in their 60s have little choice but to work.

I married a man with a 5 year old..I was 25 then had two children myself, a third 7years on so I feel my adult life was juggling childcare with tge demands of a business. I worked throughout. Right now, youngest child is in her own home and all are independant. This is the first time for many years that I can do exactly what I choose. I never expected my mum to look after my children and I have no intention of signing up to look after my grandchildren. As and when is no problem but there are many things I want to do and looking after children each and every weekis not one of them.

I know many people do get enormous pleasure looking after their grandchildren it's not my choice now when the world beckons.

My children are absolutely fine with my attitude. I doubt gransnet will be

Why do you think that Sel? I think we have had these kinds of discussions many times and it's always been clear that there is a wide range of views about this, as you'd expect from a wide range of people . As j08 said, looking after the grandchildren is probably the nicest kind of burden when compared to looking after elderly relatives. It doesn't mean everyone wants to do it though. Speaking for myself, I could turn your statement round: 'I don't want to be out in the work when my grandchildren beckon'. Some people will see that as a bit sad, and evidence that I don't have much of a life (they're probably right). But that's the point, we're all different

I appreciate that nightowl and also appreciate that for some it is an ecomonic decision. I'm enjoying 'me' time - awful expression I know because I can and I feel thankful for that. I know many truly enjoy spending time looking after grandchildren, guess I just feel I've done my time

I meant to say 'don't want to be put in the world' not 'out in the work'. Must have been a Freudian slip - I am still very much in work and thought I quite enjoyed my job! I guess my typo suggests otherwise

I give up out not put! Must get some new contact lenses.

Having had my own 2 children very young (18 and 23) I did think that by the time I reached my 50's I would have all the time in the world to do whatever I liked and still be young enough to enjoy it. But things sometimes don't quite turn out the way we expect do they? I can honestly say I didn't expect to have three grandchildren, I didn't expect my mum (who is only 71) to be so ill, I didn't expect my grandma to be still here!

As both J08 and nightowl have said, in no way do I see looking after my grandchildren as a burden, quite the opposite. I do sometimes feel very tied by my situation but certainly not burdened by it.

Hats off to you, Gillybob, you're doing a great job!