unfaithful son in law

When my husband had an affair for the second time I told my daughter that we were trying to save our marriage [thinking she would feel happy about it]. She just said 'mum, he's done it twice, he'll do it again..get rid'. Once you make the decision you feel empowered. grandmaagain; if it is getting you down, don't hesitate to see your doctor. They do take things like this very seriously. I know I'm repeating myself, but, you can't look after others if you don't look after yourself [Eleanor Rigby syndrome!] And, try not to torture youself thinking about the past; the deceit etc [easier said than done]; think to the future.

..oh, and, a friend of mine went through a marriage break up before I did. Her daughter [who was probably in her teens at the time] said, 'mum, we're not a broken family..we're a healed family'.

GMA I notice you posted on my thread, I hope some of the things on there will give you hope. I do understand the betrayal feeling, although my Dil has at least no "cheated" on my son, I too had no idea this was coming imagining them to be totally happy so I the shock of this coming out of the blue is a very difficult thing for you to deal with and will continue to be so for a while. if it's any consolation I no longer think about it the moment I wake up, but I'm several weeks down the line,the shock has lessened but the questions are still there. I also understand that gransnet is a place to say exactly how you feel but in RL you are doing your greiving and crying in private. Again this is the same for me, I would be of no help to my son if I was upset in front of him. I also love my Dil as you do your Sil, and i would like to killllll both of them for hurting our children and for what seems like a total deception of everybody. My son didnt tell me they were having problems as your daughter didn't, don't feel hurt by this, they are grown ups and would want to try to sort their problems in their own way, it is a good thing and shows we have brought them up well in not running to mummy and daddy every time there is a problem. However when the s**t hits the fan we are of course the first people they turn to, quite rightly so. As to the future, all your hopes and dreams are shattered at the moment and it is scary thinking of the future, how will they ever survive, what about christmas, what about the Gson,how to deal with the feelings something like this awakens in us etc etc even how to get to sleep. so many questions. My one hope is that as my son has loved once he has the capacity to love again and even eventually to forgive. Your daughter has already shown her strenght and she too will eventually recover. I am sending you lots of love and support at this horrible time x

What a lovely post gow1 I'm sure that has given grandmaagain lots of reassurance. to both of you.

Well put gow1 - the very best advice comes from experience and I'm sure grandmaagain will really appreciate it x

I do very much
been to see her again today, she has rearranged the furniture, bought new soft furnishings and pictures, their home is her home now. the pain is still raw and telling our friends heartbreaking, however, I have made a decision not to use his name any more, that name belonged to a person I loved and trusted ,he does not exist and never really did, from now on he wil be him, the ex or GS's dad

Well done, grandmaagain. You're moving on already.

grandmaagain; I'm several months on from my heart breaking because of my son's unhappiness, but his life is now back on track and we are all happy again. I spent weeks thinking about it every waking hour [the worst time being first thing in the morning as I woke up]. Cried myself dry for a long time. Was probably re living my own relationship break up as well, which didn't help. Can still feel the pain of that time, but I am so proud of how he has dealt with it [as you must feel about your daughter]. The pain you are feeling now WILL go, and, in time the one suffering the pain will be your SIL because of what he has lost.

I can't begin to know how to thank all of you for this support you have each and every one of you been kind, understanding and wise. Mine and DH's hearts are still raw but today we are going to get christmas back on track and make it the best ever !!. I don't know when the pain will go away we loved and trusted him so very much the shock is still raw. We were so sure he loved our DD, that is what we find so bewildering, she is strong and I am so very proud of her, our pain is not a fraction of what she must be feeling, a fact I DO keep reminding myself of. We must move on but it is a bit like wadind through mud but we WILL do it as you say it is his loss.

grandmaagain Lots of loving thoughts to you and your family. Well done!

Of course you still feel raw, but you are so obviously moving on. The tone of your post is much more positive and your DD will be proud of her mum as well.

Good morning grandmaagain. What a tough time you've all been having. It's heartening to read what you have posted today, and it lifts my heart that you are starting to look forward - why should he do any more harm than he has already done to you all? He will come to regret what he has done, especially when he doesn't get to be involved in all the lovely family activities and get-togethers you have included him in before. You are a strong woman and you've dusted yourself off ready to start afresh

grandmaagain I've been very restrained today and only just logged on. Good to hear that you are all looking forward with courage and determination. One day at a time!

grandmaagain its good to hear you sounding so positive, get yourself sorted for Christmas and make it perfect for you all.

Good for you Grandmaagain, you will get there, and so will your dd as she has a strong caring mum to help her. (((Hugs))

not feeling to good this morning,it is DH's birthday tommorrow and the family are coming for tea..that is family less one.. for the first time in 11 years there will be one less at my table one I had grown to love and trust I will smile and make it a good day. But when do you wake up in the morning without the feeling that the bottom has just dropped out of your life? Every morning I think of her waking up alone and my heart just breaks for her, why did she suffer for so long without telling us why did'nt she let me help am I such a bad mother?

Probably just the opposite grandmaagain. She will know you well and have anticipated how deeply hurt you would be, so has tried to protect you. She needs to see that you can recover from such a terrible blow to your family, and might think in future that confiding in you could have been helpful.

grandmaagain you sound really low this morning. sending a virtual hug.
You are certainly not a bad mother. Your daughter was probably sparing you the worry, knowing how caring you are.
i know it's a cliche, but time will soothe the hurt.
Tomorrow will be a good day, you will be spending it with your loving and much loved family and you will all be supporting each other.

grandmaagain You are NOT a bad mother - you are a WONDERFUL mother and you must keep reminding yourself of that, but for your daughter's sake you must also try and remove yourself one step backwards. Be there for her but also try not to take on all the blame and anguish.

I am trying to do my best but then I always have tried to do my best I don't know what my best is anymore. I have always believed I was supportive, always told her I was proud of her, always told her I loved her (I worked in a hospice for 10 years that teaches you to never leave things unsaid) I always complimented her on everything she has done and how she coped with being so ill while she was pregnant I don't know what else I could have done.

Do you know what she needs from you tomorrow grandmaagain? She may have woken this morning also feeling pretty dreadful and it is she who has lost her husband. She may need to turn to you for some additional support. I do understand how confused and upset you are, but you have a full life behind you from which to draw experience in dealing with life's hurdles. Best wishes for the day to come - you could come together as a family and make it a really positive day

grandmaagain I think your daughter simply realised that there are some things a mother just can't fix! If you can accept that, it will bring a different perspective to your situation. When her DH was first unfaithful and she had decided to forgive him it would have been awkward for others to know what had transpired; hence, she shouldered the burden alone. When he cheated again she probably waited until she was sure and then gave him his marching orders. None of her responses were about you, simply about managing a difficult situation to have the best possible outcome. One unfortunate outcome for you is that your daughter has had plenty of time to to begin to come to terms with the situation, while you have not. The news of your SIL's infidelity is old news to your DD and she's probably past the first stage of grieving for the relationship, although her life will still be feeling pretty topsy turvy. She has taken positive action and now simply needs support for the decisions she's made. And you're in pole position to give it to her.

I have never shared any of my grief over this situation with her. I HAVE said that although we are shocked we are behind her all the way and what ever decision she makes we will support her. we have told her that she and GS are the important ones and we are here for them what else CAN I do.

Nothing else. That is what is bugging you, but it's something you need to accept because brooding about it will prevent you from going forward. Please think about your won wellbeing and that will impact on the rest of your family.

Do you know granmaagain, I think grannyactivist has truly hit the nail on the head.

Your D's responses make perfect sense and are not about a deficiency in your mothering skills - be proud that she dealt with the situation on her own to start with (she would have been wrong to broadcast something that would seriously disturb family relationships if she was hoping to get it sorted and get back on track) and be aware that the upbringing she received gave her the strength to do that, and the strength now to feel her own sense of worth despite her sadness and the rejection she has suffered.

Pat yourself on the back and continue being the excellent loving mother that you have always been. This is what she needs. Be sad, by all means, but do not turn inwards and agonise about your mothering, rather ackowledge that very understandable sadness, and gird up your loins and be strong for her.

Treat your SIL with courtesy - he is a father in this situation and that role is still important - and try and think how you would have treated a son of your own who did such a thing. You would not stop loving him, but you would be extremely disappointed in him. People don't always live up to expectations and he has failed everyone, but he has not suddenly become worthless - he has made a huge mistake, but he is still worthy of your care and concern - you did not care for him wrongly - he simply failed and made a huge mistake through human weakness, which we all share.

I really do think that things will shake down into a new pattern of life, and that your role as a strong rock to lean on when needed, and to stand back when not, will be crucial. Take up that challenge and move on.